My husbands questions about sex

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by tannat, Jun 4, 2003.

  1. tannat

    tannat New Member

    I told him to register and ask his own questions, but he wanted me to do it. Anyways, he wants to know how the other spouses/partners of those with FMS/CFS deal with the infrequency of sex.

    In the past 6 years our sex life has gone from fantastic (6-10 times a week) to almost nothing (once or twice a month). He has always had a STRONG sex drive, and I think a lot of our marital problems have stemmed from his frustrations of not 'getting any' and my frustrations with him not understanding and my guilt over not being 'the woman he married'.

    I'm happy that at least we are talking about it now, but it is still a major issue!! We both miss the intamacy a lot!! I'm sure others here have dealt with this issue, and would greatly appreciate any input/help/advice.

    Tanna
  2. LeLeHpr

    LeLeHpr New Member

    Used to be me...Chasing him around the house..LOL Now, I get naked and tell him to get it over with..LOL We both have a good laugh. This DD has cost me a lot, but I know it will never take my husband or my sense of humor...
  3. DLBRPAC

    DLBRPAC New Member

    Tanna-
    Six to 10 times a week? Even when I was healthy I couldn't keep that pace. I don't know if this will help you, but I can say that Wellbutrin and Testosterone supplementation has brough back some of my libido. I know that the fatigue is the huge component, and unfortunately I don't have anything to add to that. But, please know that there are many men out there who empathize with you as well. My lack of drive or inability to act on it has brougyt end to more than one relationship.
    -David
  4. stillafreemind

    stillafreemind New Member

    but ya know what? There are lots of ways to satisfy your mate..just gotta use your imaginations a little. And hey..I know my husband appreciates the effort and I do too..cause I really miss the closeness of having sex.

    I think my hubby loves it when I am the one who starts things..I think it takes the guilt away from him..as he is always afraid I am too tired or will hurt myself..and it takes the guilt away from me for not being quite the same gal that he married.

    Touch is a wonderful thing..does not take much energy on our part. I hope this helps a wee bit.
    ....Sherry
  5. tannat

    tannat New Member

    sometimes the desire is there, but I hurt so bad or know I'm going to be hurting afterwards, so I just avoid it.

    He always seems to know when I'm just doing the "ok, lets just get it over with so you won't be so cranky" thing, and gets upset with me.

    How do your husbands deal with it?

    Tanna
  6. tannat

    tannat New Member

    *sigh*... I love to just lay and cuddle ect.... but he turns that into a sexual thing to sometimes..it's frustrating for both of us.

    I have tried 'alternative' methods, but it's hard when my hands fall asleep and I can't feel anything or they cramp up so bad I could scream!!!

    Tanna

    There is no fun left in it any more... it's like "I feel pretty good today.. lets hurry up before something hurts". I used to love it when he would just grab me at the dinner table, throw me over his shoulder, and kidnap me for an hour or so. I miss that sooooooo much. But I know he doesn't do that any more because he is either scared of hurting me, or afraid of being turned down.
  7. kmelodyg

    kmelodyg New Member

    Tanna,

    Oh hon, I can totally relate. It is becoming more and more of a problem with me andd my man too. We used to also be the 6-10 times a week couple. Now, it's like mabye 2-5 times a week. I always have to be on the bottom. ANd i always pay for it big time later on. We had a favorite thing where he put a pillow under my butt during sex, and we just realized that that is very damaging to my spine. It helped because I could not be very active during sex. Recently, I have been preforming more oral sex on him. It's great for him, he loves it. I just take my pain meds and wait until I feel OK, and do it. I also enjoy it alot. During sex it has become very diffiult for him too. He is always preoccupied about how it's going to hurt me. We are also both on Paxil right now and that cuts down the ability for both of us to have an orgasm. It's hard becasue sex lasts alot longer now, and that makes me hurt even more. We are just talking as much as we can about it, and are working together to keep sex in our relationship. There are so many things that you can do besides intercourse. Just make sure that you do not do anything that you are not comfortable with. You don't have to just lay there and tell him to get it over with. It should be loving and feel good to both of you. Good luck!

    Kathryn
  8. Princessraye

    Princessraye New Member

    maybe you should have your hormone levels check and talk to your gynocologist. Sometimes we tend to blame all our ills on fibro or cfs when there are other physical problems.
    Good luck!
  9. jamedw1

    jamedw1 New Member

    when we get up to the "marshmallows"...lol...

    i remember that post... :)
    ed
  10. sggas

    sggas New Member

    I am female and on the opposite side of this equation. I have a partner with fibro and we have definitely had our challenges in the area of intimacy. I certainly hope that I don't offend anyone because I certainly understand both sides of the problem.
    He is in constant pain and fatigue and "I" have the sexual appetite of a healthy male. (we often chuckle at the apparent role reversal)
    I have had times where I feel that our intimacy is not at its best. He is stuggling just to make it through a day and tends to get caught up in his own pain and suffering and doesn't realize that it has actually been (10 days)
    I completely sympathize and understand what a struggle this is for him and tend to feel guilty when I have my own desires and needs. It is a little more difficult to tell a fatigued male to just lay there and you will let them know when it is over......lol.
    Anyway, sometimes I feel that with all of the emotional difficulty and frustration around dealing with this DD it is nice to come together and connect. I feel like after we are intimate I have a renewed strength to support him and desire to give back alot more than I can when I am walking around frustrated and angry.
    I know as a woman how important it is to just cuddle and be loved, but I also know as a sexual person that cuddling after a three week draught would be terribly dangerous territory.
    In our relationship, what we have tried to do is keep the communication open as much as possible. Try to laugh and joke about it as much as possible. And he gives when he can as much as possible (even sometimes when he feels it is the last thing in the world he wants to do) He usually ends up enjoying himself or at least enjoying the fact that he pleased me.
    Not sure if this helps or not. I just felt a need to respond.
    sggas
  11. AC77

    AC77 New Member

    replacement therapy may help. As may Viagra 25mgs. which sometimes helps women with stimulation. It's not just for men anymore!
  12. Jen F

    Jen F New Member

    my previous partner preferred me on top, but my arm muscles are weak and if I went on top, and used my arm muscles to hold myself up, I would pay big time the next day.

    Then, as I became weaker that was even less of an option, til I became more restricted to a lot of "just lying there" even tho I enjoy the sex and intimacy.

    Also, with the fatigue I often am too tired to climax.

    Whether or not I do, but especially when I do, I pay for it later.

    At least for a short while, if I can get into it, the pain and fatigue does disappear for the most part and that's great. But, they come back even worse pretty soon after....

    Recently more than a couple men have expressed an interest in dating me...and I think...oh yeah...if you only knew.......you'd probably be running for the hills!! LOL!...Even when I tell them I have CFS, they don't seem to get what that really means in a relationship and I don't think it would be a pleasant surprise!

    I find a relationship with someone else with CFS has definite benefits. Of course, being with someone who is WELL would be ideal. However, our disabilities are obviously hard on them.