My I cry on your shoulders??

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by lilaclover30, Aug 27, 2005.

  1. lilaclover30

    lilaclover30 New Member

    This has been a bad week. Our daughter became a grandma for the first time Aug. 17. This is our first great-grandchild. Our daughter wanted to stay for a week with her adorable Arabella and help take care of her but her daddy took 2 weeks vacation. This was to be their "time alone and as a family." Our daughter cried for 2 days and I don't blame her.

    Our sons, who live with their families about 120 mi. from us have not been here since Feb.!! There is no reason - except busy with grown kids, vacations, many of them, the lake, etc. Tbree of the grandchildren have not been here (home) for 5 years. The other 3 have not been here in over a yr. One daughter-in-law has been 1 time in 5 yrs., the other not since last Dec. It breaks my heart. All I can ask is "why?". We have always been a close family, that is, when i entertained them all.

    Then today, our granddaughter called her mom and said that her hubby was going back to work Wed. and she could come on Tues. eve and go home Fri. so they would be alone all weekend! On their website, today's entry, said "we will keep on a schedule, no matter if we have guests or travel. That means all of us are not welcome on the weekend!!

    Then, my hubby still has not accepted FMS real well. If I say I hurt, his answer, "Wish I could do something". I have said over and over that there is nothing - all I ask when i say I hurt is a "sorry", "what can I do?", "may I rub your back?" etc. Nope!!!

    So now my answer, if and WHEN he asks anything, I always say "Fine".

    I have been in tears already once this week - I fell when outside trimming and hit my head on the wall of the house. Hard time getting up. No big deal I guess and I was in tears over everything.

    Today I said I wondered it anyone really cared about how i felt. Yes, it was the wrong thing to say. he got mad, mad, and it ended in another argument. I begged for him to please no act that way about my pain as I was crying again. He said it he felt that way, he would sit down and be quiet. i left the room and I cried and cried at the computer. I have been her for over 2 hours, just looking at the baby's pictures and reading and looking at things.

    He finally turned the AC's on. It was well over 81 and I was so hot!

    We have argument after argument about things that seem to stem from FMS. I have been is such hideous pain today - I grocery shopped yesterday with an electric cart which hurts my hands and wrists soooo bad. Then I fill the trunk, we come home, I carry in 2 handsful, get my folding grocery cart, fill it and try to get it in the house. My arms and everything hurts so bad after that.

    Today I went for coffee with friends, then went into our wonderful gift shop for their sale. I was so light-headed, both knees hurt so bad that I was afraid of falling and I was just miserable.

    Hubby has a leg prothesis. Last winter and spring I spent over 9 wks. taking him around i a wheelchair, lifting all 55 lbs. of it in and out of trunk 4-8 times a day. bandaging the stump that had a wound on it and doing it very single night. Then since then, I have to use a pumice stone on it every other night before we go to bed. He is on a nebulizer as he absolutely refuses toi completely stop smoking. He has a rash on his back that comes and goes - i put med. on it at night. The Dr. cut his big toe when he cut his toenail so I bandage it every night. I keep thinking, "Please help me, even if it is to rub my feet, my back or help me.l

    I am sorry. I hzve "cried" and "vented" enough for today --- and maybe even more!

    Thanks for letting me "talk". There has be to someone as kids don't pay any attention to it.

    Love you all and Gentle Hugs.
  2. Rose_Red

    Rose_Red New Member

    Sometimes cryng is all you can do. Sometimes it's what you need to do. I know how difficult it can be when family gets all weird and tweaky and no one understands anything that's wrong with you.

    I can see why your daughter's in tears. It sseems like the daughter-in-law's been reading too many 'new mommy' magazines.

    Right now everything is so overwhelming. Things will settle down - they always do. If you need to take time for yourself then take it. You can't take care of anyone else if you don't take care of yourself. When you feel awful - rest. Become spontaneous! When you feel good don't hesitate to pick up the phone and run out the door. Just because we're ill doesn't mean that we have to stop living - we just need to re-prioritize things because we can't do it all anymore.

    There is one thing you need to do right now. Stop apologizing for your illness! You didn't ask for this. You didn't bring it on yourself. People should apologize to you when they forget that your entire life just changed and not for the better. (Sorry guys but I can't call all this pain life changing for the better no matter how hardI try)

    Marraiges are partnerships. You take care of your husband. Now it's time for you to take care of each other. Face it - men are men. If you want them to do something for you, you'll probably have to remind them each time. The next time he says "I wish there was something I could do." tell him !!!!!!! Say something like "Oh, but honey there is. You could rub my back, tickle my toes, run me a salt bath", etc - whatever it is that your little heart desires. You're worth it!

    Just don't forget to say thank you.

    It's so hard learning how to live with each other again. All your routines are in place, your daily bump and grind is getting all ground up now and it's very upsetting. The only thing worse is not having anyone to share it with.

    (((((((((((((((((lilaclover))))))))))))))))))) <---BIG HUGS


    Luv & hugs,
    Michele

  3. Rose_Red

    Rose_Red New Member

    It's a very difficult realization when it finally hits home.

    If you got paid off the books - I would say nothing.
    If you're getting a paycheck with taxes and all - you might want to mention it because SSA can and will run your work history anyway.

    I would say something. I would be running to the doctors office making sure he put it in my medical records. "Hey doc - I couldn't handle 6 hours!" Accidently forget to take your pain pills that morning so he can see how much pain you're in.

    (Ok - maybe it's devious but if your not practically on your deathbed social security doesn't care.)

    Good luck,
    Michele
  4. Denamay

    Denamay New Member

    that you are having such a time of it!

    I know what you mean about children and grands not visiting.

    They get so busy with school,work, activities and on and on.

    I have two daughters living fairly close by.

    We see each other but we have to put aside the time.

    Our treat is to 'go out for lunch'.

    I cann't do the family dinners any more so the kids aren't here very often.

    I haven't seen my new great granddaughter yet and don't know when I will get to meet her.

    I hope things perk up for you very soon.

    Try not to let how others behave affect how you feel, hard to do I know.

    Love from the other great granny. Denamay
  5. Meekah

    Meekah New Member

    Hey, will you be MY Grandma? I'll love you no matter what!

    Hope you know you're cared about and prayed for by us.

    Hugs and Prayers for a better tomorrow.

    Love,
    Meekah
  6. heartinheaven

    heartinheaven New Member

    My shoulder is spong for you...cry away, maybe I will cry with you.

    Blessings and prayers to you lila,

    H Michael
  7. granny1353

    granny1353 New Member

    lady, I can tell by all that you have done for your husband.

    My hubby is very good to me and I hope if I ever have to help him I will be able to. I am not sure I would be able to face and take care of someone losing a limb.

    You can only do what you can, you need to take care of you cause it sounds like no one else will. So don't be so hard on yourself and you can always come here for a hug.

    I hope your day gets better, I will pray for you.

    Gentle Hugs
    Granny
  8. JLH

    JLH New Member

    I can relate so much to what you are going through.

    I helped my mother care for my dad while he was ill and after his amputations. It's a BIG JOB!!!

    My brothers and sister did not come or call my mother nearly often enough and they all lived in the same town - and I live 40 miles outside town.

    Your work to take care of your hubby never ends. I know my father took all of that work for granted that my mother did for him--there were rare times when he acknowledged it, but he was worse off than your hubby and was not able to do anything for my mother.

    I would love to be able to come over and help you. We could sit and drink coffee and cry together!!!

    You need some time to yourself to unwind. Does your insurance or Medicare pay for a "visiting Nurse" or home nursing care? Your husband needs someone to come in 2-3 times a week to help him with his dressings, etc. My father had a nurse that came in every so often. You should check into it. It would get a lot of pressure off of your shoulders.

    Take care, dear
    Janet

    You will just have to ask him to rub your back, your shoulders, your feet, etc. Most men don't think of it on their own!! LOL

  9. Bruin63

    Bruin63 Member

    You really do have your hands full taking care of others, and I do understand about Grown Children, not spending time with you.
    It hurt's, and I miss all of my Nieces and Newphews on the DH's side of the family.
    When they got to be Teens , they didn't need , "Aunt Sharon" anymore, ;o(

    My Dh used to be that way alot, it was like he would, and still does sometimes, turn a deft ear to my Pain.
    But what a baby when he's Hurting.

    You really do need to spend sometime on Yourself, if you have others depending on you, and you just keep giving out, and not getting to Receive, in kind, then what will They do, when you can't go any more?

    Crying is a good release, and I do my share of it, from the frustration of not being able to be the Old me, and do the things I want to and enjoy.

    Hope today, will be a better one for you, not so stressful or painfull.
    Sending gentle, ((((Hug's)))),
    sharonk
  10. Bambi

    Bambi New Member

    to what's been said. I just want you to know I understand and care! So many of us are there one way or another! Take care of yourself.
    ((((Hugs, Bambi)))))