My jealousy has consumed me

Discussion in 'General Health & Wellness' started by cantfeelbetter, Apr 13, 2009.

  1. cantfeelbetter

    cantfeelbetter New Member

    Hi All,

    This is my first post. I have been looking for support, but am too ashamed to admit my problem to people I know.

    I am an average looking, professional woman. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 years, and he is a wonderful man. He treats me well, and is very loving and adoring.

    My issue is my jealousy. Before we dated he tried to get back with his ex that treated him poorly. He said that he realized how terrible of a person she was, and how self-centered she is, and ended the relationship the second time. However, even after almost 3 years of being with him, I can't help but think he still wants to be with her, and is settling with me, because she had no interest in him, and 'tells' me he ended things with her.

    I have googled her at least once a week, and have kept very close tabs on where she is working, and what she is doing... thanks to the internet - which is my double edge sword.

    He had once told me that he was obsessed with her when they first dated, over 5 years ago, and although only dated for 2 months, he was deeply hurt by the break up and could barely function for months afterwards. Years later, she was 'thinking' of him, and called him, that was a few months before we met and once they starting to spend time together, this is when he said he realized how self-centered she was, and left.

    Why is this bothering me now? I have no idea. I am in my mid-thirties, and have moved out of state to be with this man, but my gut is telling me he is longing to be back with his ex. I have mentioned it nearly once a month for the past 6-7 months, and he gets angry that I keep bringing it up, that he doesn't even think of her, and doesn't want to be back with her, regardless if I am here or not.

    I am deeply ashamed of my thoughts. I constantly think is he thinking of her, comparing me to her. I don't know where to turn. I sought therapy, and the therapist told me if my gut told me he was cheating, then he is... that was the first and last session with that therapist.

    He tells me he wants to marry me and grow old with me and raise a family with me. BUt he 40 years old, and I feel as if he would want to settle down't with anyone at this point, because of his age, and because the person he truely wants to be with, doesn't want to be with him.

    My thoughts are consuming me, I went from a fun-loving, energetic woman, who would smile and laugh, to someone who is removed and depressed. This has been going on for several months... and for the full 3 years it has been on my mond, but lately it has consumed me.

    I know this is not normal, but I keep trying to find out more information, checking his email when he is not around, and I've even gone so far as checking out his photo albums to see what they had done in the past. It hurts me to no end... I know I am making things worse... I don't know what I am looking for, or why I am staying and torturing myself.

    Has anyone ever felt this way? And if so, what have you done to get over this? Should I leave him, should I go to a therapist? Should I truely be concerned?

    I need help desperatly, its hard to even look him in the eyes...and he has done nothing wrong to even make me think he has her in his life...

  2. TwoCatDoctors

    TwoCatDoctors New Member

    How to Overcome and Abandon Jealousy!
    Submitted by Anonymous on November 11, 2007 - 11:04am.

    Few qualities are more unattractive in a person and are unhealthy in romantic relationship or even casual dating than jealousy. Jealousy leads to insecurity, anger, unfounded and unnecessary fights in relationships and painful break-ups. Thus, learning how to overcome and abandon jealousy can be crucial to a person's dating life and romantic relationships.

    I remember asking one of my female classmates to go out dancing a few months ago. We have been talking and studying together once in a while. She had a boyfriend and she knew I had a girlfriend. My behavior around her was not flirtatious or suggestive in any way, so she had no reason to suspect that I was romantically interested in her. Despite that, her response to my invitation to go dancing was very surprising to me. She told me that she couldn’t go because her boyfriend wouldn’t allow her to go to a club without him. I was shocked. There was so much I wanted to tell her about this, but I didn’t know where to start.

    Jealousy is one of the worst poisons of any relationship. The devastating effects of jealousy are twofold: first, jealousy ruins good communication between people, causing a mutltitude of unfounded arguments and fights; secondly, jealousy conveys some of the most unattractive qualities in a jealous person such as lack of confidence and insecurity which are some of the bigget turn offs for both men and women.

    Jealousy and suspiciousness indicate insecurity in a person’s self-worth and lack of confidence in his ability to attract and keep a partner interested. A lover who suspects his partner of unfaithfulness without having real evidence of that will literally “terrorize” him by questioning and constantly treating him as a suspect of the crime of cheating.

    Ironically, we are more likely to develop jealousy and let it adversely affect our behavior if our relationship is great and we are very happy with our partner. Our jealousy and our possessiveness is a side effect of our desire not to lose something that is very special and very precious to us. And the more precious our partner is to us, the more carefully we guard him / her by being jealous. That concern and fear of loss of someone very rare and special leads us to overprotecting it. Suspiciousness, lack of trust, and questioning your partner about his whereabouts in an investigating manner cause unnecessary fighting, conflicts an eventually break-ups of relationships that otherwise had great potential to develop and prosper. Don’t let this happen to you. If you believe that you subject your partner to your jealousy, start working on eliminating it immediately. Eliminating jealousy is not a quick process. Jealousy is a trait of character, a frame of mind and an emotion, and as such – getting rid of it is a gradual evolvement that requires work, self-reflection, patience, and persistence.

    The great news is that the rewards of dealing with and overcoming jealousy will likely keep you free of jealousy for the rest of your life and will make your future relationships much more successful.

    So, what are the steps that you can take to deal with and overcome jealousy and possessiveness? The first and the most important step in dealing with jealousy is, like with many other issues is recognizing that you have a problem. Most people who have jealousy issues are in denial and refuse to admit that their behavior and perception are irrational and their lack of trust is unsubstantiated by any real facts. Recognizing that you have a problem is essential to your motivation to work on it and to your success in overcoming jealousy. Once you have passed this crucial first step and have recognized that you are jealous, I suggest that you adopt the following, proven-to-be-effective beliefs which will gradually eliminate your jealousy and all of its manifestations:

    Become aware and accept the fact that whether you trust the person you are with or not, whether you question his actions or not, and whether you “spy” on him has no positive effect on his behavior and faithfulness. If a man or a woman wants to cheat, he / she will find a way to cheat, and there is nothing you can do to prevent it. So, stop it! Stop assuming the worst about him. Stop wondering where he is and what he is doing at any given moment! Assume the best about your partner and his faithfulness to you until and unless you have real reasons to believe otherwise.

    Keep in mind that the only reason, the only thing that keeps your partner around you is his desire to be with you. Nothing else keeps either of you near each other. And his desire to be with you comes NOT from your pressure, your being jealous or your attempts to convince him to be faithful to you but from your other qualities that make you attractive and desirable. Your efforts to keep your partner have no positive effect on your relationship. If anything, it might put excess pressure on that person - something that no one enjoys and tolerates for very long. Remember that the best “leash” is the loose one or even better – a total absence thereof. To remove your mind from jealous thoughts, become a little more selfish. Spend more of your time and your emotional and intellectual resources on building yourself as an individual rather than perceiving yourself as part of the relationship. Work on your career and your other goals. Take a class in a field that you have an interest in, learn a new language, engage in a form of creative art, take a dance class, and do anything else that you have or might have an interest in, so that there is more to your life than just that relationship, and so that your life does not revolve around any given person and his faithfulness to you. Pursuing other objectives of your life will prevent you from obsessing over your partner and will keep you in a much healthier emotional state, free of jealousy.

    By getting rid of jealousy, you will exhibit some of the most attractive qualities in you: your common sense, your confidence in yourself and in your ability to attract the other person and maintain his exclusive romantic interest in you, your value as a wise person, and your confidence in your partner’s feelings. Don’t miss out on such an easy way to demonstrate those great qualities by rising far above jealousy.

    Remember, there is no insurance policy or collection agency for any relationship and jealousy certainly won't help make it more stable. Whether you are casually dating someone or are married, whether you have been together for one month or twenty years, it’s possible that your relationship will end at any time for a hundred possible reasons. I do not want to sound negative, but I do want you to be aware of the reality of all relationships. What does this mean to you? This means that you should enjoy and appreciate your relationships as long as they last but at the same time accept and embrace the possibility that any such relationship might be over one day. And if it is, it will be tough, but you will get over it. It will not be the end of the world for you. Your duty is being the best you can be in a relationship that you want to have. The rest is NOT up to you. The rest depends on your partner and you have no control over it, and whatever you have no control over, should not concern you or be a cause of your anxieties.

    As you are successfully fighting jealousy, you will start experiencing tremendous freedom - the freedom to enjoy your love life without the taxing pain of jealousy and insecurity and the pleasure of giving your partner a better, wiser, stronger, and happier you!

  3. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear you are not feeling well.

    It's obvious to me that this relationship is not good for you, and you should end it.

    You should also see a therapist.

    But I suspect you already know that, and don't want to hear these suggestions.

    Why is this relationship so important? Why are you doing things that make you
    uncomfortable? I really think a profession therapist would be helpful. We don't have
    any pros on the board. We're all just experts on our own story as they say at
    12 step meetings.

    Good luck
  4. cantfeelbetter

    cantfeelbetter New Member

    Thank you for the comment.
    I'm still here, because I know that jealousy is making me think and act this way. I'm not normally this insecure. In fact, I'm very secure about everything else in my life, well, about 85% of everything.

    I told myself that for two weeks I would not check out to see what his ex was up to, and give myself only 20 seconds a day to think about it, and those two weeks were a lot better than they normally are.

    I'm still here, because my boyfriend is a wonderful man. Will do anything for me, and treats me as his equal. He is funny, and smart, and enjoys life more than anyone else I have ever dated.

    If the final word is to leave him, I would do so knowing that I tried, but I don't feel as if I fully gave it 100% to get over this jealousy issue.

    He has offered once before to go to couples counseling with me, and I agree that I need to seek therapy starting as soon as possible. But getting through this issue, will it only make me oblivious to things, and is my sixth sense the one that is kicking in for me by making me think these thoughts?

    Your advice to say that this relationship is bad for me is very strong. Will the next one be just as bad - and will I only find something else to be jealous about with a new person?

    I doubt there is anyone in this world, in my age range that have not dated or had feelings for someone else.

    What should I do?

  5. TwoCatDoctors

    TwoCatDoctors New Member

    Like Rock said, we don't have doctors here and it's time for therapy for you to work through this. I have never had extreme feelings of jealousy like this and they are not normal and they are not the normal feelings people have for others, and when it reaches this point, you have no life of your own and are just living in the shadow of your fiance and tracking everything he does. Your fiance does not need the counseling, you do. This is strictly a problem you have and not him--re-read the article.

    But if you have not had these feelings in any other relationship, and it is only this relationship (that is a good gauge for you), Rock may be on to something that it is time to bail out of this relationship. If this is the only relationship that has ever set off these absurd jealousy feelings then perhaps you are sensing something and it's time to end the relationship and end this torture you are doing to yourself.

    But if you stay in the relationship and do nothing, it will eventually destroy the relationship anyway.

    No one here can make the decision of what you should do and you have to decide that for yourself with what you have read here and other research you can do or after seeing a therapist for a while.

  6. cantfeelbetter

    cantfeelbetter New Member

    You guys are 100% right!
    It is completely my issue. And come to think of it, I have done similar things when with other men. Not to this extreme, but that was mainly because the internet sites, such as facebook and Linkedin were not as prominent.

    I am going to seek therapy, and take care of this now, if not for the relationship, then for me and any future relationships I may have.

    I cannot stress how appreciative I am of this thread. I have discussed with a friend of mine awhile back who thought I had 3 heads, so I have shyed away from talking about it. But what I really needed was a swift kick in the butt, or at least some pure honestly...

    Thank you thank you thank you!!
  7. shelbo

    shelbo New Member

    I think it's pretty natural to feel insecure when we have so many limitations. Many of us will suffer with insecurity because our confidence can be low.

    I don't think (at this stage) you need to end the relationship. He has given you many reassurances that he wants to be with you and not this ex. Why ask him again and again and again? It's almost as if you are trying to press him into saying he still loves her and wants to be with her, not you. I know you're not but that's how it seems.

    I was totally cut up when I split with my last boyfriend. I was devastated. BUT I have now been with Ed for 9 years. I love him so much and very rarely think of my ex if at all...and when I do it's usually cos he was an idiot! LOL

    That article someone posted is super helpful. I, too, suffer insecurity and have, in the past, been prone to jealous outbursts but the article is only results in the person running away! I try not to let my insecurity get the better of me these days and I am a much nicer person as a result. I would also say our relationship (though always happy) is happier than before.

    I think you should try to stop even bringing this girl up in conversation. The fact you have asked him many times if he wants to be with her shows that he has been given the opportunity to say that he does love his ex and end things with you if he wants. Just try to concentrate on building your own self-esteem and stop questioning him about the ex...nothing will drive a man away more than this, I reckon. You said yourself you felt much happier when you did not allow yourself to spend long periods thinking about this girl. I don't think you need therapy - I think it's over-rated in many cases personally. You are able to stop what you are doing - it's a choice imho. Many here will disagree with me I'm sure... :)

    Please, for your own sake, stop googling this is not healthy!! What does is achieve for you to know what she's up to or where she's working... I think you are tormenting yourself unnecessarily...

    Hugs, Shelbo

    <br><br>[<i>This Message was Edited on 05/15/2009</i>]
    [This Message was Edited on 05/15/2009]
  8. momof27

    momof27 New Member

    OK start today with the new you the one you were when you met him, then shower him with fun ,laughter, and some good food keep your mind on him only and you will be the winner he is fine without her so enjoy the best years of your life now. Praying for you sweetheart, MOM
  9. momof27

    momof27 New Member

    OK start today with the new you the one you were when you met him, then shower him with fun ,laughter, and some good food keep your mind on him only and you will be the winner he is fine without her so enjoy the best years of your life now. Praying for you sweetheart, MOM