My Mate is Dragging Me Down with Him....

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by catgal, Jan 14, 2003.

  1. catgal

    catgal New Member

    Before I left for the Christmas Holidays, my mate gave me $300 as a Christmas present which I used to pay bills. When I returned from the holidays, I had saved $600 to pay the December end of the month bills, however, he had hawked his motorcycle several months ago, and needed $450 to get it out of hawk or lose it.

    I gave him the $450 out of the money I had saved to pay the last of December's bills with as he said he would pay me back the following week.

    Then, I was notified by the bank that the $300 check he wrote me had bounced, and that meant that I was $300 short in my checking account, and the checks I wrote to pay bills based on that $300 were going to bounce. Then, my mate couldn't pay me back the $450 I had saved to pay December's end of the month bills with--so those didn't get paid.

    When my mate moved in with me 6 years ago, I did not know he was so in debt that he couldn't help pay his share of the household bills or living expenses. Due to my FM/CFS, degenerative disc disease, and other medical problems, I am only able to work part-time, and thus, only get a part-time paycheck, however, for the past 6 years I have had to pay all the household bills, living expenses, buy the groceries, pay all the other expenses it takes to live, plus my own personal bills and medical expenses.

    He bounced so many checks at the local bank in town the first 4 years, that they closed his checking account. He then opened a checking account in another town 3 hours away, and has bounced so many checks there in the past two years--that they have closed his checking account there. I can't understand why a 55 year old man cannot balance his checkbook.

    Over the past 6 years, I have tried & tried to help him figure out why he bounces so many checks and tried to help him figure out his checkbook. But, he just gets angry and defensive when I mention it.

    I have never bounced a check in my life and have always maintained a good credit rating. But now, creditors are calling me threatening to shut off utilities, close out my personal accounts, and give my credit rating a black eye.

    Then, after I got his motorcycle out of hawk--he turned right around and hawked it again, and I never saw a dime of that money. I found out several months ago that he does quite a bit of gambling because two of the Casinos called about checks he had written to them that bounced.

    He has a good job and makes good money, but he is so in debt that he cannot pay his own personal bills. The loan company is in the process of repossessing his car because he got so far behind on payments.

    Right now, I cannot pay the last of December's bills, nor first of the month January bills, nor buy my medications, nor pay for my upcoming doctor's appointment. And, when I do get paid, there is no way my part-time paycheck is going to cover all these bills & expenses.

    He told me this week that this coming Friday he has an appointment with a bankruptcy attorney and is going to file a Chapter 7 bankruptcy. Which is the best thing considering how in debt he is at age 55.

    But, none of that is going to help me out right now. Before long, we are going to be sitting here in the dark, without heat, no phone, and no food.

    I could strangle him, but blame myself also. Considering his track record with horrendous money management, bounced checks, and total financial irresponsibility--I should have known better than to think his $300 check was good--or that he would pay me back the $450 I had saved to pay bills.

    Have any of you had these problems with your mate? The stress of all this is bringing me down physically and emotionally. I feel that he is dragging me down with him financially. I talked to him several months ago about his gambling when I found out about it--he said he would stop--obviously he just slowled it down a little.

    Any responses or suggestions you might have would certainly be appreciated. Thanks for listening to me vent. Carol...
  2. Betty50victor

    Betty50victor New Member

    By your bio you sound like a lady who LOVES life and do not need that man in your life! We are all brought down with our illness and sure don't need a man to bring us down more. I adopted a doggie, Llapso Apso 9 yrs. old male, from the pound on June 6, 02. I needed him and he needed a good person (mom) like me to love. Before I got him I felt that I had no reason to be around anymore cause I had no one to talk to or spend time with. Well, now, I know that no man could have been as good for me as my "Duke" has. He accepts me the way I am, no make-up, not feeling well, etc...
    I hope you don't go on letting that man cause you problems in your life.... You (we) have enough to deal with as it is.
    You have your love of the Rockies and your pets to enjoy and boy it sounds absolutely beautiful.
    Well, that's my 2 cents worth. Hope life gets better for you and your pets.
    Very Sincerely, Betty Boop in Calif.
  3. RoZzZ

    RoZzZ New Member

    Please...you sound like one of the nicest people on the planet, stop letting this guy treat you like this. One thing I have learnt is that everyone's for themselves, if he really cared for you, he wouldn't be treating you like this. How are you coping?....I would have fallen to pieces by now...way toooooo much stress.
    Look after number one....YOU!
    Want some positive reading (something i love to do but can no longer manage). "Life Stratagies, By Dr. Phil (From Oprah)...One thing he says' "You create your own life experiences"
    I don't want to sound like a drag....but you are too beautiful to be mis-treated. You seem like a truely kind hearted person.

    Keep Smiling...Ros
  4. JacqDobson

    JacqDobson New Member

    Carol,
    worrying will not help the illness. It's bad enough dragging this monster around with us day after day without having extra baggage to carry, and that is exactly what you're doing "carrying baggage".
    Cut off the help and support that you're giving this man and realise that he's the one who should be helping and supporting you, not financial support but emotional support. If he decides to up and leave then you have your answer to how he views the relationship. It will hurt to be so strict with him but the options are clear "Sink or Swim".
    I too have been in the same position, before I became ill, but I managed to take out a loan to cover the financial side, threw the man out and cut my cloth accordingly. It took me about two years to get straight but I got my credit rating back and my pride.
    You sound a really caring woman and, beleive me, there is someone better out there just waiting for you.
  5. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    You sound so loving and caring and that is exactly the kind of women that men like this prey on. No matter how much you love him, he is totally out of control and no amount of love will fix his problems.

    Please call your local mental health dept. and see if you can find some help and support emotionally because you need to lose this guy fast or he will continue to drag you down with him.

    I pray for you and wish you luck.

    Love, Mikie
  6. pam_d

    pam_d New Member

    I can't add anything really----everyone has put it well, this guy IS dragging you down financially (as you said) and I personally hate to see a great person who's responsible & ethical get into the position you are now! Aren't the financial strains he is causing in your life wreaking havoc on your health?? We struggle so to maintain some kind of quality in our lives with this DD, don't add to it by extra financial burdens, too...please take a hard look at this relationship! What is is going to be like in a year, or two years????? People with addictions like gambling or alcohol ALWAYS make promises to stop and may have good intentions to, but it's a sickness requiring serious help (and, unfortunately on HIS timetable, not yours)----Carol I wish you would take a serious look at getting out of this situation, you are too nice a person, and your health & well-being's important to all of us, too!!!!

    Good wishes & prayers,
    Pam

  7. lisjhn

    lisjhn New Member

    Are you seeing my man?!! Our stories sound a bit familiar.

    My boyfriend has a gambling problem too but won't admit it. He spends thousands a month and won't acknowledge the fact. Bad thing is, he owns a real estate company and uses the money from that so I'm always hearing..."I've got to come up with another $4000 by Monday to cover the checks" and so on and so on. I always ask him why his finances never work out and he gets defensive. Last year we moved into a beautiful house that he wanted to fix up more before he could sell it, because he wants $320,000 for it, not the $300,000 it's on the market for. Well, he pays all the bills around here (thank god) and after a year of $2000 monthly payments on the house, he moved his business office to a shed behind the motel he owns. Horrible decision if you ask me but he said it'll save him $4000/mo. for the business space he used to lease out.
    Anyway, things are going downhill for him, he's slowly losing everything. I had to go bankrupt due to this DD and him (since he promised to give me $1000/mo.) in July 2002. But I can't really blame that on him I suppose.

    To make things worse, I learned how to count cards a couple years ago to supplement my income when I knew I was getting too sick to work much more. So that's how I've been making my money, I make an average of $2000/mo. playing blackjack and playing tournaments but that's only because I know how. It takes a lot of discipline and knowing when to leave and which games not to play. So he thinks he has to outdo me and show off like it's some sort of contest. He plays all the unbeatable games in town and makes his bets at the wrong time it just drives me nuts. I've offered to stop playing if he would, but that doesn't work, he just sneaks out and I'm left without any money. I asked if he'd want to go to Gamblers Anonymous with me and he said no way and I've even offered to teach him to count cards so at least he'll learn a little about the game and start coming out ahead, but he definitley won't have me showing him how to do anything. So I'm in a rough spot too. It's not a healthy thing for either of us to be doing, I would much rather be working a regular job.

    I just figure, he'll ask for help when he's ready. I've already gone bankrupt and I don't loan him money anymore. So it's up to him now.

    ~LISA