My Mom passed away almost a month ago

Discussion in 'Comfort, Grief and Advice' started by rosemarie, Feb 23, 2013.

  1. rosemarie

    rosemarie Member

    MOM passed away almost @ months ago and i still don"t feel sad for the loss. i feel relief that she is not in pain any longer> i belive that she is with my dad now in paradise and they are getting to know one another again after a fourty_four years. i feel glad that she and daddy are together again. yes this is my belief and in my heart i know it is so>

    i had to put up with my brother who really didn"t know our mother and didn"t honor her last wishes like being buried in her wedding dress> the people she had wanted to speak at her funeral were changed adn when i wanted to share my thougths adn memories I was told that my brother and i would say the same things>> not so. my memories are real not some thing she wrote down years ago> i remeember seeing her hold her first born granddaughter> even tho the situation was not planned momma loved my daughter so much adn always made her feel that she was loved and welcomed in her home> I was blessed to see her hold each granddaughter i had and tell them how much she lvoed them and gave them so much love< acceptance adn they loved her so much>

    my brotheres kids really didn"t know mom as my brothere didn"t come to seee mom often ad they din"t come for christmas"s < family dinners as I was told later on that he didn"t want to drive teh twwo hours to her house and then spend an hour talking to her then having to drive home late at night for teh two hours>> he nevr went out of his way to be with her when she was sick< I spent ten days one time with her in slc and another time it was two weeks taht i spent at her bedside because she didn"t want to be left alone> no matter what i told my brother he was mad that i was "bothering her and the staff" i helld medical power of atterny andi wqas there to see that she got the best care possiable from the best doctors> he cowould come and chat with mom a few times always after she had been given some med for pain and she would not tell him what she had told me so to him i was lying to him all the time> there was no way htat our momthere would have yelled at people< swore< hit < screammed and dreamed that she was in a airplane that was crashing and she yhelled to me to jump out now> I AWOULD TALK TO HER SOCIAL WORKER and try to understand all teh parts of her illness"s and he was really nice and help ed me to find her great rehab centers> unlike my brother who thought that he would book a room in a rehab center in anotehr gtwon taht was ffor orthopedic patients and he didnt" know what hhhhhher illness"s were othere than her broken hip soscket> he could not answer who her doctor was< did her doctor want her transfered there? So many questions he had not answer to> he even said that i t was closer to him and if her could not spend time woith her my cousin could < but this couisn worked full time and had her own family to take care of>

    now that the serivce is over i am still irratated at my brother but I wil get over it> which is more than I can say for him>

    I am so hurtt hat i could not tell how i lvoed my mom and how much she meant to me> i miss her dealy< but i reliiize that the mom iiI miss has been gone for a long time> the momma i told my de epest secrets to has not been around for years>
    it brings tears to my eye:"s when I think of her houes being sold to strangers< to never go in it again for a family dinner> i miss her when i got my bill from the hospital as i was relly ill with septic pnumonia and if I had wated for much longer I could have been on a ventalotor. Scarey and all I wanted was to have momma hold my hand and tell me I wou ld be fine. But she could not do that as she was too weak at the time. We did chat on the phone alot and I loved hering her voice and it is those memories I will miss...... I called the hos pital about my bill and found out htat it is a darn good thinkg that medicare is paying for most of this bill. I asked how much? 11,664.73 I thought that I should call m om and tell her and then I stopped and thought she is not here to do that any mroe . that makes me feel so sad. , I cry at the dumbet timgs and not for a long time but for a few mo ments here and there. I some times wonder what is wrong with me that I am not grieving ofr her and not missing her like I should be..

    Maybe it is due to the fact I watched her slowely drift away from us , dying
    slowly every day, watching her for get teh great grandkids that were the joy of her life as she saw them daily.

    My 5 yr old grandson watned to see her before the funeral so my daughter took him by himslef and explained deawth to him and where his grandma was. He looked at her adn said" Yep she is dead" But she looks better and when he talked to me he told me that grandma had arms fluffly like mine almost. The little one said Grandma Alicai is dead she is an angel now.

    Am I am rotten daughter because i am not crying and greiving deeply? I lost it years ago when she had blood clots and aolmost didn't make it, I was hyisteriacl that time adn I was so sad for days after , even after she started to get better. I greived for her each time an illness
    left her a bit foggier adn not her self, I wastched as she couldn not knit anymore or paint or play the piano, all the things that brought joy into her life she could not do any more. Now she can.
    I lvoe my MOM Alicia Rogers dearly, with all my heart mind adn soul, She loved me no matter what I did that was stupid and loved me dipite the mistakes I made that were huge ones. And she loved teh resullllts of one of those mistakes dearly, her granddaughter. MOmma loved me because I was always there for her and always had time for her. I took her to doctors appointmetns, to get her glass's fixed adn I toook her for drives for fun. I staayed iswth her when she was really ill so htat she would not feel like she was all alone, I nevr wanted her to feel that she was alone adn no one as there to say I love you momma.
    I will always love you forever and ever Momma, you taught me how to lvoe life no matter what happended. You showed me unconditional love always. I will miss you so much, but I know that if I stop and remember for a moment I will find you in my heart where the memories are strong and I wil feel your love agAIN. You brought me into the world and I made sssssure that when you left this life you were not alone. Momma I miss you and am so confused as to how I am to feel.

    My fibro is really bad and so painfull , each day it gets wores and I guess that the snow storms make my pain go away. I have not slept for almost a month now I can 't sleep at night. i wish I cou ld talk to you to hear you tell me to relax and don't sweat the small stsuff. KNow that I love you always and I know that you were there supporting me when I left this life...
    I am so mixed up and sad and happy and confused. all at the same time. MOm you mean the world to me and I am b lessed to be your daughter. i will alwauys love you.

    HUGS,Rosemarie
    Sorry about the caps adn missed spelled words my keyboard is acting up. Sorry
  2. freida

    freida Active Member

    Beautiful writing, about your mom,
    and about yourself,
    aND about the difficult and challengeing process,
    of trying to adjust to life's most difficult changes and losses.

    Thanks for sharing your feelings and thoughts.

    I'm thinking of you, as I know this is a very slow path, and you will have many twists and turns on it.

    Watch for any moments of peace and light, that you can find, untill it becomes a little easier than it is now.

    I'm sorry you did not get to do some of the things you wanted to, after she went.....

    I'm glad you are finding other ways to do parts of it, including writing about it.

    Leah

  3. TwoCatDoctors

    TwoCatDoctors New Member

    I'm late in responding, but I read what you wrote. I'm so sorry for the loss of your Mom and the problems with your brother.

    I also had problems with my brother during the last part of my Dad's life. You will be surprised as I was, to learn that many like you and I end up having to deal with one or more siblings that are just terrible during these times in our parents' lives. They intrude, they act up, they do things they should not, and just seem to push their agenda during a time where caring, love and concern should be the immediate goal. While our concern is helping the loved one, their concern is an agenda and sometimes they act with a chip on their shoulder.

    I know that my Dad is out of the horrible pain and suffering he was in prior to his passing and he's in heaven with long lost loved ones and pets. Your Mom too.

    I don't have any contact with my brother any more. Let the anger go and take the time to pray each day and each day celebrate the good times and the fun times you had with your Mom. She would want you to remember her that way. Many hugs.