My Mom:U need to do something to get out of this funk..

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by jaynesez, Oct 4, 2009.

  1. jaynesez

    jaynesez New Member

    After working all week (while sick), Saturdays are my "crash" days, the day I try to recoup from the week, the day I'm in bed all day, in pain & exhausted. Well my Mom (who is a dear lady, but a typical mom) asks if I've paid her speeding ticket yet (online, she's not that comp literate) for the second time (Saturday would be the first day it was in the system) and once she asks how I'm doing, and I tell her I've been in bed all day, so no, I've not done it yet, she starts in on me about "you need to do something to get yourself out of this funk", "this is no life to have" and don't forget the almight guilt trip "we haven't seen you in a month of Sundays".

    Yes, this is a VENT, but when will they ever understand! Yes, I agree this is no way to live life, but unless I hit the lotto I'm stuck right now. My mom is a sweet lady, but is the Queen of Guilt Trips, and I've told her that as long as I have to work full time, this is my life, and yes, it sucks! I was trying to be kind by offering to pay her ticket and take the four hour traffic school for her, and now I wish I'd just kept my mouth shut! Between her and my two sisters constantly harping on me, I'm ready to move out of state!
    I'm so sick of trying to explain! I love them all very much, but they are driving me nuts.
    Anyone else having this much fun with family??
  2. FibroFay

    FibroFay New Member

    They don't have our frame of reference because they haven't experienced anything like we are suffering with. When they get sick someday, then they will finally get it.

    People can, be downright hurtful. Yes, I've been through this too with family. If they only knew how much emotional pain they cause us!

    Sorry for your frustration.

  3. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    The best advice I ever got from a therepist was: "Get the toxic people
    outta your life."

    Generally that applies to the people who are supposed to be our
    closest and dearest.

    Move, if necessary. I moved from Minnesota to California. If phone
    calls leave you angry and frustrated, then stop them too. You have
    no obligation, legal or moral, to let your life be ruined by family.

    I know. Most people don't want to hear this. But denial and inaction
    just lead to more frustration. You can't change other people's behavior,
    but you can stop being part of it.

    Good luck

  4. SwatWife525

    SwatWife525 New Member

    UGH! If one more person tells me "mind over matter" I think I will throw something at them!!!

    I did not ask to be sick for the rest of my life and if mind over matter worked then I would not still be battling this horrible and disabling Fibro!!!

    "Are you going to stay in bed all day?"....... WHY YES AS A MATTER OF FACT I AM! I'm like you, after working all week I am past exhausted!

    I'm glad we have each other on here that understand each other.
  5. Janalynn

    Janalynn New Member

    Well, I don't think everyone who has a 'negative' thing to say is a toxic person. =)

    I'm fortunate that my immediate family is very supportive and actually tells me to lay down and rest - BUT I do get the - "so and so (who has Fibro) is doing SO well now cause she exercises every single day!" mmm hmm. good for her. Glad she can get up and do it. She doesn't work either.
    I also get every suggestion in the book about what I should try. "My mechanic's brother's housekeeper tried some herb from Mexico and she had Fibro BAD, but now she is 85% better", then they get that sound in their voice when I haven't run out and tried it.

    The one thing that's hard for me - when my family asks me "how are you today?" If I say "good",or "fine" they say "YOU ARE???? OH Good!!" When in reality, I'm just so damn tired of saying "okay". I personally would be sick of talking to me if I always heard, just "okay"

    Question- why are you going to 4 hrs of class for your Mom's ticket? Can you even do that for another person? what a nice daughter you are!
  6. FibroFay

    FibroFay New Member

    came repeatedly from my ex-husband. "If you'd try harder you could do more". It's a long story but he pays alimony now.

    rockgor, the problem I have with what you advise is that these are my loved ones. I need them in my life and I'd be extremely lonely without them. You know? Most of us have lost enough already without losing the people we love too.

    Best wishes,
  7. jaynesez

    jaynesez New Member

    for sharing the "issues" you are dealing with regarding family. Yes, you can drop friends, but family is family! Even if they are exceedingly annoying at times. I think its so sad that there isn't more empathy, more understanding from those whom we love, and that love us.

    I'd like to think that I would be there for one of my sisters, and in fact, I believe my brother, who died in a car accident in May of this year also had FM (I told him to get a dx, he had all the sx) and tried to give him as much advice and understanding that I could.

    Tamsyn, please let us know if you get some responses to your email! I think that is a fantastic idea, and hopefully they will understand just how much courage it took for you to right it. It may be that they need a little time to absorb it, and respond appropriately, I sure hope so. And you know what, I'm sure the majority here would bring the turkey and family to you, so that you wouldn't be alone on Thanksgiving. I don't know what is wrong with ppl anymore, it seems as if everyone is so wrapped up in their own worlds, they can't be bothered.

    As Swatwife posted, we certainly didn't ask for this awful mess, who would want to willingly suffer this way?? Anyways, it helps to hear how you all are dealing with "FAMILY" and I got a great laugh from Janalynn's "mechanics' brother's houskeeper" LOL!! You all are the best. And Swatwife, I am going to lay in bed and BE PROUD OF IT! :) We just start a gang, called whatelse, the "CRIPS"

    Hang in there and hope everyone has a pain free day.
    Oh, Janalynn I'm doing it for her online.

    [This Message was Edited on 10/08/2009]
  8. steach

    steach Member

    Boy can I relate!!! I have 4 children, 3 of whom are 18 & over. The older ones expect me to do everything for them- I guess b/c I used to before I was dx and was able.

    The older ones still live at home -rent free- and basically chore free. They want to know if their laundry is done, what is for dinner, why the house is cluttered,...... If THEY would help-out and not expect me to do it all, life would go smoothly.

    We just moved into a new home about a month ago. One of my older children wanted to know where her suede boots are; I told her they must still be packed in a box. She demanded that "I" go find them for her- I told her if she wants them, go look for them! She hasn't lifted a finger in this move and expects the royal treatment! I am trying to unpack and set-up house the best that I can- I told her that she can expect to kiss my *ss! I WILL NOT be treated this way by my own children.

    Because of the FM/CFS, I had to quit teaching full-time. I will take substitute jobs and pray that I can work those days. I am told by my kids that I am lazy and don't want to work! I am at the point where I am about to tell them to go out into the real world, get their own place, and realize just how much I have done for them. None of them will go to a rheumy appt. with me to ask questions to clarify my condition from a medical professional.

    I can relate to your frustration and grief with family.

    I think we need to stop doing for others and just take care of ourselves. I don't think anyone will ever understand unless they have what we have. I guess I am venting, too!!

    Good luck,
  9. Shirl

    Shirl New Member

    I think we can all relate to your problem to some extent. No one can understand this tiredness or pain that has never had it. I have one friend 'left' that has always been very considerate of my condition. One only!

    Those that gave me problems, I did what Rockgor suggested, I elimated them out of my life. They only added to my stress. I had friends for twenty years, but when I got FM/CFS all they kept telling me was to 'exercise', do this, do that, etc. I got fed up with them all and quit answering their phone calls. That is about 7 years ago, and believe it or not, I do not miss them!

    Their attitude was, I do not 'look' sick, so I must not be 'sick'. One friend had diabetes, and all I could hear from her was; 'you can eat anything you want, you are not overweight', you don't look sick, etc. I finally told her I had enough of her heckling, and it was not my fault that she had diabetes and could not eat junk food, sweets, etc. Which by the way, I do not eat myself, and never did!! I do not even like ice cream or chocolate for that matter!

    As for my family, I have more problems with my daughter than my son's. She just refuse to face the fact that I am sick. To her, I just don't want to do this and that! All I can figure out is that she does not 'want' me to be sick, therefore if she refuse to believe it, then it will 'go away'! It would be nice if it were that simple :). She tells me she wants her 'old mother back', the one that could do just about anything, go anywhere, anytime, cook anything, etc. From the looks of it, its never going to happen.

    I have a very small family, so do not have too much trouble, but I sure can understand how you all feel. My grandson understands, my granddaughter is like a 'fleather in the wind', so do not try and tell her anything but; 'NO'! that she understands..........

    Just try and take care of yourself, do what you are confortable with, and let the rest just pass by. Thats what I do these days.

    Shalom, Shirl

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