My mother in law is coming

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Christinawensell, Nov 2, 2005.

  1. Christinawensell

    Christinawensell New Member

    Hi all,

    I am sorry I have not been able to write for the last few days. I am still not feeling well. It does not seem to let up.

    I went in on Monday for an MRI and I am hopeing that some type of resolution to all this will be there with this kidney problem.

    As I said in the beginning my mother in law is coming in tomorrow by airplane. My mom and her have been talking about what is going on with me and she says that she is concerned.

    She never has been concerned before. I have talked to her on the phone about what is going on up to this last July when they all (my husbands family) told him that it was all in my head. That he needed to put his foot down and have me go to work and not be taking so much time off, and bringing our family income in the sewer.

    My daughter (oldest) when she was first born had medical issues which made her be hospialized for the first year and half of her life. I called my husbands brothers 3 of them and his sister 1 and told them they said she had a slim chance of surviving. I called her grandparents (my hubby's parents and told them the same "Please come" I was only 19 years old and my hubby was 26. We needed their support. Did any of them come? Only once her grandma and she only stayed for an hour. My parents came every evening after they worked. I stayed day and night. I wanted them to know her and wanted them to see her in case it was the only chance they could see their grandchild. Thank God is wasn't.

    Allysa is now almost 17 years old now.

    I guess I still have resentment about all that. How could they? She was just a baby. I never did anything to them either. I have forgiven them, but I can't forget.

    Now my youngest is 16. My sister in law only saw her one time before my sister in law dies of breast cancer about 10 years ago. I think that is a shame. The rest of the family has only seen her about 4 or 5 times besides that. They only see them when we bring them to California. No one has any effort to want to come here. Their Grandpa on that side dies this past July. He never knew his youngest grandchildren, not really know them anyways. That is very sad I think.

    Now after all this time she wants to come and stay with us for several weeks to help me. WHAT HELP DO I NEED? I HAVE DONE FOR YEARS WITHOUT HER. I guess that sounds mean. my mom says to give her a chance and I will, but I just can't believe that now the girls are almost grown she wants to make an effort. She never sends them birthday presents or Christmas presents. I mean they would appreciate a one dollar item. They are like that (barrettes or makeup or whatever). Just the thought counts, but no thought is not acceptable.

    I think I have put my negative thoughts on to my children because they are very mad that she is coming and I am not saying any of this now to them. I keep telling them like my mom is telling me GIVE HER A CHANCE. In my heart though I am saying something different. I don't feel she deserves the love my children have for her. Which they do love her. She does not deserve their tears that they have at the funerals (Grandpa's, 1 aunt and 1 uncle) They did not want to know them. They have hurt my babies, why give them the satisfaction?

    I am sorry if I sound really mean. I just don't know what to do with all these feelings. I will put them aside like always while she is here, but I just don't know why she needs to come.

    My father is having open heart surgery on Tuesday the 8th. She will there for that. I am hoping my mother and her do not have words. They get along pretty well, but there was a time. Like the time that my family did not know their daughter (me) was pregnant with my sides first grandchild and my hubby's parents knew through my spouse (boyfriend then), and told me it would be better for me to have an abortion. They said I did not need to have a baby right now to weight me down. We'll of course there advice was not what I did. I hated them for saying that. How could they say that about their own flesh and blood.

    Anyways this is getting very long. I think I have said enough about my dear mother in law WHO IS COMING TO HELP ME, MORE LIKE STRESS ME OUT, on thursday.


    I have been cleaning and getting a room ready for her, and cleaning the car for her to come. Sounds really relaxing huh. When I should be just worried about me and my father right now.

    Anyways,

    Blessings, ((((hugs)))))
    And prayers to all of you who have in laws like mine,

    Christina


  2. Adl123

    Adl123 New Member

    Dear Christina,
    What a sad situaton. I can tell how hurt you are. Please let me share what I have learned.
    Sometimes, as people get older, they think about the past more and more. It is then that they realize their past faults, and feel badly about them. It could be that your mother in law is doing just that, People grow at different rates of speed. Maybe she is just coming to realize how precious a family is, and is trying to reach out.

    I'm glad you are giving her another chance. Why don't you wait and see how it goes? This could be a wonderful chance to heal, and maybe make a good friend.

    Hugs,
    Terry
  3. Christinawensell

    Christinawensell New Member

    for your support.

    I think you could be right in saying she is trying to reach out now because she realizes about family. She has lost alot in the past two years. She lost a son, the oldest granddaughter and her husband.

    I will think positive.


    Hanginginthere, problem is I already have a job, but I am sick so much I miss alot of work and no pay.
    I guess I will have to show her the things I really do, and see if she can keep up on all of it. Even with her being fairly well. :)

    Thanks

    Blessings
  4. suzetal

    suzetal New Member

    Its too bad she has treated your family that way.And you are not being mean.I wont go into details but I had the same type of ML.Well what I did when she came to visit for my son after not visiting for my daughter who was born 9 yrs before my son.

    This is what I did. I sat her down in the den with no one around but her and my son.I told her I had a friend who does not feel very happy with her mother in law right now. I asked her if she could come over to talk with her.She might be able to help.She said sure fill me in.I did. Bingo lights went on in her head and she said oh my your talking about me .Oh my dear I never ever meant to hurt you or Kim or anyone.I was raised without much affection and thats just me I am so so sorry.

    She told me to please tell her immediately if she ever hurts me or the children again .She never new she had.

    And she stopped and thought before she did or said anything ..We became great friends.To bad she passed on to a greater place 10yrs ago.

    We will always love her.And she had become the greatest Granmama to my 2 children.

    God Bless
    (((Hugs)))
    Sue
  5. Christinawensell

    Christinawensell New Member

    I can only hope that will happen here too. I have told her though that she hurt me and my daughters have too. It didn't wake her up at that time.

    I will pray about it.

    Please pray for me that this will be a great visit and not more stress to me.

    Thank you, Bless you
    Christina
  6. suzetal

    suzetal New Member

    Im sure it will work out .You will see.

    Hugs Again
    Sue
  7. Bambi

    Bambi New Member

    do with family members that hurt you and short you of their affection and
    attention is to love them anyway. Love her to death. Tell her you love her, tell her you are SO grateful she cared enough to come, tell her her help will be SO appreciated. If nothing else she will be surprised and yes, she may go home and tell the others you are "crazy". But she won't be able to say you did anything wrong.

    And maybe if you say it (and picture in your mind that you MEAN it) you'll find you can. I had a friend who was a nurse. A doctor that practiced in the hospital where she worked was always mean, rude and obnoxious to her. She hated him. One day she decided to try a new tactic rather than just ignoring him.

    Every time she saw him she said in her head "Bless you"..at first she said she said it with a few expletives at the end (LOL!), but she kept it up. Then after awhile she started saying "Bless you" every time she saw him, in the elevator or any place. She said all of a sudden one day she realized she meant it and also that his attitude toward her had softened.

    Love heals many wounds and softens many a heart. Try it and try to let her do as much as she will to help out. Ask if you need help with something in particular. Some people have to take care of a baby to learn to love it. Maybe she's one of those
    people, and with these dd's we are
    sometimes like helpless babies too. I don't know, but my advice is to just
    try it. Hug her big and hard when she gets there and keep it up until she
    goes. It's hard to resist someone that loves you.
  8. Christinawensell

    Christinawensell New Member

    That made me laugh when you said she will go back and say I am crazy. LOL. Thank you for making me laugh. :)

    I guess that is like the old saying kill them with kindness.

    I am very sweet anytime I am by her though. I have never been rude to her. I think she thought I was trying to change her baby always and that is why they never liked me. He was on drugs when I met him and he was headed down a long road of trouble. I thought getting him off was good, but it made it that she could not control him anymore. He was giving her his paychecks and she handled all his bills for him. He was 26 years old. Lord I was more independent than that at 16.


    She tried at first to bond with me after I had the baby (I guess it was bonding) She had me come over and tell me all the things did wrong. Like the way I packed his lunch. She said I did not give him enough (he was a growing boy -yeah outwards. Ha,ha ((JK)) )I would put I love you notes in his lunch too from me and the baby and she would read them. That made me so mad. So I stopped making the lunch and the notes too. HE went everyday to his mother's for lunch after that. That made her very happy. Then it was the way I did laundry. I needed to fold his socks not cuff them like my mom always did to my dad's socks. I needed to fold the towels a certain way (like that made them any more or less clean). Anyways I just listened did it her way there and then went home and said I will do it my way here. So then my hubby started taking his laundry over to her house to clean too. At first I thought good less for me, but it still irritated me. After a year and a half of that and two children I was so sick of it all. I moved to Arizona without him.

    They were not happy about that either. I wanted a marriage with him not all of them. He needed to grow up and get away from mommy. He came after us about 6 months later and moved to Arizona too.

    I live close to my folks but they are supportive of both of us and my girls. They do not stick their noses in.

    Anyways. I guess I am on a go again.


    Thanks,

    Christina


    P.s Hopefully she does not go into our dresser drawers and our linen closet it will drive her nuts. My girls do it my way also, HA,HA,HA. MY HOUSE, MY RULES
  9. JLH

    JLH New Member

    OMG, if it were my mother-in-law coming to stay with me, I would be heading out of Dodge as fast as I could!!!!! LOL

    or .... I would hop on my broomstick and hightail it out of there!!!!!

    The only help that my MIL could provide me with would be for her to stay home!!!!

    Gotta go ... just talking about my MIL makes my stomach quiver!!


    Janet
  10. libra55

    libra55 New Member

    My mother-in-law never caused me any trouble. She was confined to bed with rheumatoid arthritis and I used to go and visit her quite often. We had many wonderful conversations, and I found her to be quite wise in many ways even though she had no formal education.

    Unfortunately, the same could not be said for her children. (my husband's brothers and sisters, there are 7 kids in all). They are selfish and uncaring. So I can relate to your situation Christina. My kids are 17 and 15 now. They have no relationship with these people at all. Not one of them ever paid attention when my kids were babies.

    Right after these kids were born, all of them and their spouses one by one moved out of state, to the south. Since my husband worked constantly I raised my kids pretty much alone. (I am an only child and my father was deceased, mom had Alzheimer and was no help to me). There were no aunts and uncles no cards or gifts on birthday or Christmas, or any other time.

    Now one of the siblings (my husband's youngest sister) decides suddenly she wants to "get to know" my girls. They could care less about her. She flew into town one day, rented a car and showed up at my house. The kids were in the driveway playing basketball when she pulled in. They had no clue who she was and were actually afraid. She was angry because they did not recognize her. Did she pay any attention to them over the years? What did she expect?

    Since then she has done it several more times. It is very exasperating to me because as we all know with this DD we have bad days and I would like to know if someone's coming over. I have asked hubby to talk to her and I have even asked her to call first but she doesn't listen.

    Christina I commend you for trying to be accepting of the situation and I wish I could be more like you and some of the others on this board but I just haven't got to that point yet I guess!

    (By the way this particular SIL is very critical about everything like whether the house is clean or not, and since mine is usually not up to her standards I dread her visits even more)

    Good luck and ((((Hugs)))) to you,
    Michelle