Discussion in 'Caregivers' started by LEFTYGG, Jul 1, 2010.


    LEFTYGG Member

    Our 3 houses set on 6 acres. weve lived here 40 years.this past year my mother has made it be known she needs someone to spend every night with her.I live closest house but we set up schedule for 14 people to take turns spending nite.

    i usually make sure shes fed dinner around 5 if the perssssson isnt there she wants me to stay till they get there. then she starts saying well theyre not coming.they have to do their things sarcasm inserted.really mean things like well im done with them if they dont get here.

    ill say no they will be here then she says no one wants to stay....SOMEDAY YOULL FEEL THIS WAY...LIKE SHES THROWING GUILT ON ME.
    Really no one does want to stay but two days a mnonth is good NOWWWW she wants us to sleep with her. theres a beautiful comfortable bed in a room 30 ft away.
    ps she has macular degeneration and is hard of hearing shes 91 and is a wonderful mother but i think shes expecting to help help
    [This Message was Edited on 07/01/2010]

    LEFTYGG Member

    how many 91 years olds have 2 4 6 visitors a day. she really only wants me so i feel trapped i dont even want to go back to her house cause she doesnt want me to leave.i also watch my 4yo gs so it crazzzy. so do i give in a nd sleep with her. i have a DH i prefer to sleep with. ysrry so long love gail
  3. TwoCatDoctors

    TwoCatDoctors New Member

    My Dad is 92 years old, competent and we have him living in an assisted living place. It is his own apartment in a lovely facility that has lots of activities, they provide the meals, they make sure the medication is given and taken, and they even take the clientele out on trips. Each room has a "help" button and someone is there 24/7 to help if needed. And they have to get up and press a button when they get up in the morning, otherwise someone comes to check them in their room. It is truly wonderful, very active, I got a kick out of them having an "Elvis Vegas night." My Dad without this place was going to die an unpleasant death on his own or end up in a nursing home.

    It takes about one month or a little more for the person to accept and get acclimated to the new place. But once they do, it works well. My Dad is actually gaining weight from the meals he is eating and that's wonderful for him.

    Your Mom is getting very hyper about being alone and it would be a gift to her and you and your family if you would consider something like assisted living for her where she would be surrounded with so many people of her age, so many activities, so much fun. A side effect is that with all the activities, she probably would be too tired at night to be afraid.

    This is just something for you to consider.

    P.S. I also wanted to mention. It sounds like she may be deteriorating mentally and it would be good to get her into her doctor for testing. SAY NO to allowing her to make you sleep with her and that's over the line. You have to take some control in this situation.

    [This Message was Edited on 07/03/2010]

    LEFTYGG Member

    I promised her years ago she would never go to any home so thats not an option. we have a big family so theres 14 that take turns but she unloads on me most.she was such a hard worker but now shes nearly blind and deaf so she cant do much.shes mad at the cards shes been dealt.

    ive never seenher cry much but now she crys all the time then i raise my voice to be sure she hears me hahaha then she tells me not to yell at her. shes smart as a whip but does forget stuff and get mixed up she dwells on things always has then worries. oh well thank you for your suggestions but i just cant do it but im not sleeping with her im to stiff and restless.
    love gail
  5. TwoCatDoctors

    TwoCatDoctors New Member

    With my Dad last year, the doctors stated he could not live at home any more with people coming in to help, that he needed to be in assisted living for his health and welfare. So there comes a time when promises have to be put aside for the health and welfare of the person being cared for. It's not mean to break promises, you do it out of love as you can't always keep all promises, especially what she has asked of you.

    If they are crying a lot and unhappy that's a sign that some things need to change and how they need to change could be helped by talking to their doctor, or even a nurse or social worker that you might arrange to visit to see how her life is right now and how it could be improved.

    And Broadcasting is so right that it might be depression as it does hit as the person goes downhill physically, but a doctor can intervene to try to help. Plus making sure their diet is very tasty and nutritious helps a lot and that they are getting the supplements they may need. My Dad is losing his vision to Glaucoma and needs hearing aids very bad but won't get them even though he has the money so those types of ailments makes it difficult, but not impossible.

    My Dad has now gone into the hospice level in the assisted living (which is when he is on the path to dying) and that is the advantage as he is not in a nursing home, but remaining in the assisted living. They have various levels of care. They are doing massages and reading to him (very loudly so he can hear), a minister is coming in and talking to him, they have someone wheel him in the wheelchair outside and around the pool and the beautiful flower garden in the inner courtyard so he gets out and gets some air and the person picks some flowers for his room, and he is getting music therapy with music that he likes (Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin), he is getting foot rubs, and it goes on. He qualified and received a phone for free that is designed for those that are deaf to help him hear phone calls. He also now has a bed that is electric controlled and the head and feet go up and down however he wants so he can be comfortable and has side rails.

    I hope you take some of this as ways to help even while your mom is at home. Visitors from outside the family can make her feel good, like ministers and the minister can probably suggest more things too. Good luck. Thanks for everything you and your family do.