I am alone in a room typing this. My situation has not improved from my last posting regarding my mother and her care. Some of you know me from my post regarding another situation in Addictions where I was contacted by an ex. (*For those of you having replied to that post, yes..I heard from her a few weeks later and put my foot down. Said there was nothing I could do, I did not get her in that situation therefore, I was not the one to bail her out. I repeated the options, once again refused and I said there is nothing else I can do until "you" choose to do it). Here, on this post board, in this room, writing to this board another situation still at hand is taking control of my life and I can't take it anymore. My depression now is at an all time high and I feel like I'm walking on thin ice, cracking beneath my feet even with the slightest breathe. To reinerate: I am 45 soon to be 46. Here in my mothers home leaving behind my own and my own family (as she flatly refuses them in "her" home, because it would make "my" life easier is the bottom line)to care for her. She is functional at 86, suffered a few mild strokes, no longer drives, widowed now 3 years, this year makes 4 after a lifetime with my father. I don't get along with her. Never have. She has been the one source to ruin much in my life. This is not resentment or vengence..it is the truth. My happiness was not to be, non acceptable all my life and I had to fight tooth and nail to rise above that. When I did, it was still not good enough, right enough and someone, someplace, even relatives that were far removed from the family or contact, God..even strangers, faired better, did better, were nicer looking, taller, more direction, better jobs, better relationships..you get the idea. Dad on the other hand, was always a smile away. Always one to ask how life was treating you, how was your day, and pat you on the back with a congratulatory comment for the slightest endeavor. For those triumps that may have failed, he was there with a comment as simple as, "Don't worry, tomorrow will bring along something else". Mom on the other hand, ignore you. Flatly ignores your pain, joy, laughter, tears, happiness. I have a very good relationship of 3 years. A 11 y.o. daughter that is a very good kid, making A's and B's this year...3,000 miles away. They are not allowed to come here to help me..my mother flatly refuses on all counts and said she will throw all of us out. I am with a woman in my relationship that is a professional administrator, holds a good job, actually holds down the fort all on her own back home to include our daughter. For her to come here, she would find work in no time, the child would be 5 houses away in school, and there would be time to juggle and balance all that needs to be done. The key factor here: I would be happy. Get the picture? I have not been doing well since here. This will be the 4th month now. I've looked for work, but with the situation at hand, she makes life so miserable and refuses any kind of social assistance (tried and she turned them away, locked the door, called and cancelled or told them I was trying to run her life)..in order to compensate. She never talks to me, there is no conversation of any......of any kind. It is a pounding on the door to take her to the store, or standing by the only phone in the house to listen to my conversations with my daughter or wife. If mail comes for me, she will throw it in the room on the floor even if I am sitting here on the computer. I am living out of suitcases still, can no sleep anymore and am up all hours of the night sitting on the porch just to "breathe". She will not talk on the phone if I am here, as I've witnessed her in conversation only when she thinks I've left for awhile, walking in and hearing her say negative things about me. I am here all the time except leaving to look for work, working on the computer looking for work, going to the local store or such. I have no friends or contacts in this state any longer, therefore I am not socializing in any form which is so NOT like me. Since I've been here, I've maintained the yard, grass is green and cut again, planted flowers and pulled up the dead ones, took care of all her animals 3 cats and a small dog, to include grooming, vets, etc. I've cleaned this entire house and do so 2x a day (usually very early and very late) because I am highly allergic to the cats, I can't breathe..when the house is not clean. I've painted the inside of the garage, put out money I didn't need to spend, and such. It is not like I sit here and do nothing. She refuses to shower. It's been 3 weeks. She is clean, takes sponge baths....but trust me, needs a full shower. She lies to me, tells me she took one at such and such time..no she hasn't. One time, she just sat in the bathroom and ran the shower..telling me she took one. My mother is very verbally and emotionally abusive. She was to my father, I lived it and witnessed it all my life. She was to me...nothing I did was right and my happiness was not worth noting in any fashion. Why did I come to help her? I felt obligated to her in some way. I know she is old and I respect that 100% and the emotions that come from aging and losing her husband, my father after so long. I know being alone is horrible..I've experienced myself many times and being 86, it can be detremental. Yet, the options available, she flatly refuses. She will not socialize at the Senior Center, go to church, nothing. The few people I had come over...she refused to have them back in her house....this included a priest from the catholic church, yet she talks about God all the time.....not right. I am trying to find night work here, easier for me all the way around until I make the deciscion to return home, but even in that....I am growing ill. My depression here is bad...heavy...very heavy as is this house and the lack of life in it. *if I do her laundry with mine at the laundry mat...she will rewash all her things. I stopped taking her for lunch on the weekends. I grew tired of hearing you make negative comments about people within hearing range...often ones of prejudice. I was not raised that way...what happened? Or she will talk to a waitress or someone she is familiar with and hug them, tell them how wonderful they look or are to her and for the rest of the day, that is all you hear. She will not so much as "pat me on the back"... I was very ill the other day. Stress. Attacking every part of me now. Body aches, chest pains, throbbing pains in my head, blood pressure soaring, not eating right at all...and not the healthy way I am use to...no sleep....permanent frown lines on my brow. I laid down in this room on the bed for about an hour..mid day. She opened the door and said, "You NEED to take ME to the store now!" and I turned and said, "You are going to have to wait, I don't feel well at all and can't even see straight" She said a few cuss words and slammed the door. How old am I? 10? 12? Other siblings you ask? No. They cut themselves off from this family about 20 years ago. Have I tried to contact them.....yes. Do they show concern? No. Last word I got was "Good Luck..it's your problem" and that was it. My partner is a wonderful woman. She is staying very strong at home and speaks to me nightly on line or the phone and is fully aware of the situation. She will no longer speak to my mom since she flatly refuse her and our daughter to come out. She has agreed that it would only make my life easier, happier and God forbide there be some happiness around to benefit "me". And, the little girl? My daughter will ask me online or in snail mail: " What did I do to grammy? Why is she being like this?" and I have to find answers to convince her, it is not "her" fault. I am tired. My soul is tired, do you understand that comment? Those of you reading this? My soul is hurting. I can not put her in a home, there is not money and I will not put her in a state operated facility, it is not a point to be made. Do I leave. Do I pack things up and tell her I need to leave. My partner tells me she is helpless being 3,000 miles away should something happent to me and I am only human, it will take it's toll and she will be damned if she looses me to something or someone that doesn't give a damn about me. She is right. This, here....this place I am in is very unhealthy in all ways. I am not like my mother. I am nothing remotely like her. I love people, love to socialize, love to smile and laugh, go places....be happy. Someone recently told me my mother is bitter and as an abuser..she will not change. Being old< does not mean she has to be nice nor would that alter her outlook on life or the companionship she has not...she will push that away too and then point blame. Another told me a week ago that my life and health and my own family is important, as my mother would be only too glad to see me fall seriously ill alone out here with no one to help. Do you know how hard it was to hear those things though it were as if they were pulling out my own thoughts and images. I've offered for her to sell the house and relocate with me to an enviroment with life, senior availabilities, new environment....flatly refuses. Her last comment, of which I heard her on the phone to a nieghbor was: "I don't want to be in that house with that woman, the one he lives with. I don't like her"...that woman. That woman. That woman bent backwards for her when she was ill and has been nothing but kind, helpful and attentive. That woman..wrote letters to mom, send cards, gifts....all disappeared. She trashed them. Yet, for those of you that read my story about the ex in addiction? My mother will open the doors for her should she come here......now, what is wrong with all this? A woman that destroyed our relationship, is not a drug addictive, has been with how many? But....this woman is welcome. Do you see what I mean? Her basis for this? The ex has a history with me, was part of this family for 12 years..my current partner..only 3 and doesn't mean anything to her. That was not the case when my ex was trying to reconcile with me here before all this happened.....years ago. My mother......added to destroy that, lying to her constantly to the point niether my ex nor myself knew which was the truth anymore. Nice, uh? Long story, I apologize and this is just the tip of the iceberg. I am sure you can fill in the blanks had you lived in a situation similiar..I am spinning my wheels here...I would have been working again full time had I stayed home, the offers were coming in. Here, with the way I look now, it would be a miracle I even make it through an interview...worn, circles under my eyes, drained looking, lack of sleep, lack of everything happy or remotely pleasant. I came out to help her and instead have been thrown into a depressive nightmare. I should have just flown out for a week or two..lied about having to get back for work or something. Instead, I drove 3,000.....well, had to, there was no other car here at the house. I'm sitting by an open window, it's dark out at 6:38 pm. The cool air can be felt even through my sweatshirt. My head is pounding, my temples hurt to the touch, I look in the mirror across the room and I don't even recognize the reflection. My eyes have grown dark....what the hell happened to me? Please don't think me cruel. As I said, I respect(ed) her for being my parent....I lost that seeing and witnessing what she is capable of. Four months...no conversation of any kind....none. Not even a good morning...she walks past me, ignores me unless she needs a ride or a phone call made or the trash taken out. What topped of this letter tonight...yesterday her grown cat slipled past her legs and ran out front. No big deal. He is an indoor cat, yet once in awhile just runs out, rolls around on the grass, walks under a few parked cars in their driveways and works his way back and wants in. She started cussing at the fact he ran out...I was watering the lawn. I put down the hose and called to him following him as I've done a thousand times before as he was working his way back in my direction flaunting his tail..purring. She comes out in her robe (which she has had on for 2 weeks now....)and yells at the top of her lungs for him to get back in the house..a few neighbors were out not paying much attention. The more she yelled, the further the cat would run and away from me. I walked up to her, took her gently by the arm (I don't hurt her) and said, "You NEED to stop yelling at him it only makes him scared and he runs. He will run in the street and get hit by a car. Leave him alone, he is right here and I will get him" Easy enough. To the point. Even for her. No. She pulls her arm away from me and says, "You SOB, get your hand off of ME you are nothing but the devil himself you worthless thing!!" and went inside. I stood there. The neighbors heard that. The cat was sitting at my feet purring, looking up at me. Now......is it time for me to leave?