Need advice for this long distance caregiver

Discussion in 'General Health & Wellness' started by youngirl5, May 11, 2010.

  1. youngirl5

    youngirl5 New Member

    Here are facts:
    Mother has Moderate Dementia
    Father is Primary Caregiver and active alcoholic deeply resentful of caregiving
    I am an only child, due to have my first baby in 2 months with high risk pregnancy and live thousands of miles away.
    My mother has worshipped her family her whole life and they, in return, want nothing to do with her.
    Nonetheless, after I scheduled long distance a cognitive evaluation last year (my dad had not taken her to a doctor in 3 years) my dad flipped out on hearing that the memory issue was only going to get worse. Packed them up and moved them to the middle of nowhere in a home to be "near her family" who they have, after one year, barely seen at all, which is no surprise to me.
    The only family member who shows interest is really after my mothers possesions, and my father who would anyone at all to relieve him of taking care of my mother is more than happy to have her involved.
    So, now I am 7 months pregnant and I am informed that my father plans to "get rid of all the junk" in our family home, sell it, and move with my mother permanently to the middle of nowhere, near toxic family. Geographically alone it will be almost impossible to visit, psychologically it will be dangerous for me as well. I have tried every solution, homes near me, letting him know there is plenty of caretaking where they currently live, on and on. It doesn't matter, he wants to do what he wants to do. He hasn't even taken her to have a formal evaluation, only to a GP but that was enough for him. He also has done NOTHING to protect me or my mother if something God Forbid happen to him, not even HIPAA. Should I get a lawyer here to help me? I am at a loss and so depressed and so angry that I want to feel the joy of having my first baby and all this is happening. And I feel mostly terribly scared and depressed and helpless. No one in my immediate friends or family seem to have any advice they are at a loss.
  2. TwoCatDoctors

    TwoCatDoctors New Member

    In reading between the lines, it actually sounds like your Dad may also be suffering from some form of ailment or even Dementia also--his judgment involving the care of your mother is not consistent, not in her best interests, he is not getting her to doctors (you said he hadn't gotten her to a doctor in 3 years).

    One suggestion I have is to contact the City/town where they live and ask for a social worker to do a "welfare check" on BOTH of your parents. Ahead of time write down your concerns and relay those concerns to the social worker, and ask to speak with the social worker after the visit. Based upon what the social worker tells you, you may have to do some serious consideration of whether you want to be a guardian for your mother, and possibly your Dad. And I suspect your Dad would fight you tooth and nail if you tried to take over your Mom's care from him, so it might require you flying out for potential legal proceedings, and eventually placing your Mom into a care place (either assisted living or nursing home, depending on an evaluation of her and what would be better for her).

    All of this is not easy and is upsetting. At least you have some ideas to start investigating.