Need advice from grandparents out there please.

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by montanaskyes, Oct 4, 2012.

  1. montanaskyes

    montanaskyes New Member

    My name is Sydney and i used to be a member here along time ago ,,,,FM is my disorder. my user name here before was sis.

    My Daughter and her husband had twin baby girls a little over a year ago ,,,,to help them out i have been babysitting about 4 days a week,,,it was very hard at first to get used to it since i had become diagnosed with Fm,,and that was in 1998,,,anyway to make a long story short,,,, needles to say it has been a real challange! Daughter and i had a big disagrement over me needing to pick up a med at a certian time.
    It was a big disagrement because i don't drive the kids in my car,,,(to much with 2 girls! and no car seats,,,,Daughter got mad and told me to leave because i told her that she was not my boss! Now she's ignoring me and it's been 4 days since i've heard from her,,,,I love the baby girls very much and tried as best i could to help out with them!

    Any advice as to how to handle this situation?,,,i'm still in alot of pain everyday but it did seem to help to be around babies!
  2. ksp56

    ksp56 Member

    I am sorry you are going through this with your daughter. I've had the same problem with my DD, on and off, the last three years. Your daughter is NOT your boss. You're her mother who is helping HER out. Let her pout it out. Seriously. She needs you much more than you her.. She wanted for you to drive without carseats for the girl's? Against the law, and too much to handle with someone dealing with Fibro.

    I'm doing 2 day's a week for our 3 y/o grandson and 5 month old granddaughter. As long as she's a better sleeper than her brother was, I will continue. If she doesn't nap, I go to one day. Too much with 2 kids and no down time. I doubt if I'll do anything but one day next fall. Or I may not watch them at all. Maybe you could cut the number of days you help her out. And if she doesn't like that, it is really her problem. She will not stay mad forever.

    She owes you an apology. It took me a long time to put my foot down with my daughter. She didn't like it, but she respects me more.

    I hope your situation is resolved soon.

    Take care..


  3. montanaskyes

    montanaskyes New Member

    Wow,,Someone who understands! Yes this has been a long week! Daycare costs for twins is astronomical! And may i add that i was not getting paid eighter,,,,sometimes i was treated to a hair cut and color,,,,,

    Bless you for putting your foot down! and thanks for the idea to cut down on times,,,i kept telling her that she needs a back-up besides a friend that works part time. i never got car seats for my car because it's just to much with 2 babies who now weigh 25lbs a piece,,,,have decided to write up a statement that says what i can do and can't do! hope this goes over,,,,i will wait this out like you said!

    Bless you Kim and Thanks!
  4. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    Welcome back but I'm sorry for the reason for your return. Sweetie, regardless of the family relationship, our first duty is to ourselves. Your daughter is waaaay out of line in abusing you when you are helping her out. Unfortunately, this kind of stress is the worst kind of thing for us. If she wants your help, she needs to have an attitude adjustment big time. In addition, it is illegal for you to drive those kids without the proper child restraints. If anything happens, it's the kids who would be hurt and you would be in hot water with the law. Even your insurance would likely skyrocket.

    Manage your stress, even if it means no contact until she comes around. I'm sure she struck out at you out of her own frustrations, dealing with her kids and whatever life has dealt her. Still, you have to put yourself first or you will not be able to help anyone. Good luck to you. Prayers going up.

    Love, Mikie
  5. montanaskyes

    montanaskyes New Member

    Thanks for your kind and heart warming advice! I know about all the car seat regulations. I would never drive the babydolls in my car without car seats anyway. It's very painful to realize that she is actualy treating me this way, But like you and Kim said i need to let her come around.

    The prayers are very much appreciated!,,The babies were born @ 34 weeks so needless to say it was really a challange to help care for them when they finally did come home at 5 lbs a month later. That was October 4th 2011,,,,they are beautiful and smart little gals! I love them so much,,,,

    It's nice to come back here and see some familiar names!,,,
  6. MicheleK

    MicheleK Member

    My heart goes out to you. It is very hard when you are a grandmother and want to not lose access to your grandchildren to put your foot down, but the advice is right and solid.

    Doing so will not only help you physically and emotionally by cutting down on such incidents of disrespect and obviously being very taken for granted, but it will help your daughter and grandchildren in the long run.

    By stand up and setting firm boundaries, ignoring the pouting and temper tantrums of a grown child, you help teach them to respect you, your time, your energy, and to appreciate it instead of taking it for granted, as if they were somehow owed you killing yourself for them.

    Further, the grand kids are watching. And we all know children are sponges! They notice everything and then imitate it. By being a grandma with reasonable and definite boundaries, one who gives and expects respect and love in return, you will be teaching those little ones to expect that for themselves.

    It is emotionally unpleasant but necessary to do this. I am sure your daughter, having twins feels overwhelmed, and sometimes our kids take things out on us when they are frustrated, but she will need to find a different way to handle her frustrations. And maybe you not being so readily available will force her to get some additional help. Four days a week is a full time job!

    I will be interested to hear how you work this out. In the meantime, welcome back and I wish you all the best.
  7. montanaskyes

    montanaskyes New Member

    You have opened my eyes even further in this situation! I will gladly take all the advice here and work with it! In my mind i kept telling myself that i'm doing this for the Babies and to not be selfish. However when i'm so burnt out and can get nothing done at home then it's time to step back!

    Also i realize that this has nothing to do with the babies! They know i love them and will do all i can for them!

    I will keep you all informed! I appreciate your advice and support very much!
  8. mbofov

    mbofov Active Member

    Everyone else has given you very good advice. I just want to say I have twin boys (long grown up now!) and they were born a month early too, but were darling babies and a lot of work too of course. The first year my mom took them one day a week so I could have some down time and I was so grateful. I wasn't working then but just needed time alone.

    Good luck - it sounds like you're on the right track!

  9. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    And a joy but twins has to be soooo challenging. Again, prayers going up for all of you. Glad you can enjoy them despite this stress.

    Love, Mikie
  10. montanaskyes

    montanaskyes New Member

    Two babies makes a whole lot of difference! Glad your mom could give you a break! This is the longest i've ever gone without seeing them! 5 days,,,it seems like alot longer than that!!
  11. montanaskyes

    montanaskyes New Member

    Thanks for your helpful post! wow,,it sounds like you really have your hands full also! The crying at the same time is very hard to deal with! so you get 2 bottles and prop the babies up on a pillow and feed them both at once,,,,and as you know the diapering never ends!,,,,,let alone the spit up! lol,,,sorry just had to add that in there,,

    I have no idea how you care for all three at once!! Bless you for doing that. I'm sure your daughter is very thankful that your there to help,,,For my DD to have the girls in licsened daycare can run up to 1400.00 a month so i figured that i have saved them thousands of $ already.
    i know they are thankful,,but are also taking my help for granted!

    They are both in professional jobs and make good money but also are still in their late 20's and the babies were a surprise in the first place,,,oh my gosh when we went in for the 5 month ultra sound and 2 heads popped up on the screen,,,,,yeah ,,it was like that! so i was very willing to help out because everyone else was busy. I'm still holding out for an olive branch,,,,,Thanks again,,
  12. montanaskyes

    montanaskyes New Member

    Thanks for your greeting!,,My grandson will be 3 nov 2nd,,,Thanks for asking,,His mom and dad are teachers so he already knows everything!!,,lol! I miss him alot! They live 600 miles away from here, But do come to visit more now that the twins are here!

    Thanks for the invites! i'll check it out ,,,,,,Your just as nice and as peppy as before!,,,hugs!

    My Daughter stopped in after work and we had a long talk ,,,,alot more about me just being a Gramma and not just the sitter was discussed! I did tell her that i will be asking for gas money and some other stipulations,,,,

    we decided that more communication is definetly needed. and that i should let her know when i'm in a flare and not just me trying to work through it,,,, anyway i will keep u all updated as there are more stipulations needed before i take this on again!
  13. montanaskyes

    montanaskyes New Member

    Hi Everyone!

    Well ,,,lol,,,it's better,,,Thanks for your prayers! I will be doing 2 full days a week with a break in between and 2 half days,,,,This was one of the hardest weeks i've ever lived through emotionaly,,,Didn't realize how much they all mean to me,,,,,The Dollies were very glad to see gramma and me them! we had pizza and play time,,,,,,,

    My Daughter has changed her attitude and i hope it lasts! We will see. I exsplained to her in depth that the FM has no set pattern and can sneek in and send me into a flare at any time. One day at a time!

    Thanks for all your advice and comments! Sydney
  14. kellygirl

    kellygirl Member

    I understand. I have been watching my 3 year old grandson since he was born. I would drive to their house 9 miles away because it was easier for my daughter. It was rough on me. She had also given me a rescued dog! Boxer/lab puppy that I had to take with me and she was wild! With her dog and my puppy and the baby, it was a circus!

    My daughter has been known to be very manipulative with me and not always kind when she's "having a bad day". I love her and tolerate a lot.

    Today, my grandson has always napped with the dog, Lola, she would lay down next to him and is very protective. They grew up together.

    My daughter and family have moved to the country where I can run my dog. My daughter has a new job that she brings my grandson to me and he is in preschool two days a week where I can pick him up.

    The doctor had told me I was "deconditioned", but from having to lift my grandson and taking care of the dog, who is 65 pounds, my muscles have become much stronger.

    I do not get paid $$$ but I love him so much. I even had to buy my own car seat at a yardsale and a potty, she would never volunteer to buy them for me. I would get mad, I buy clothes and don't see them again.

    Things are getting better, I speak up a lot more. My grandson loves me so much, he has two homes, and wants to be at both. I have so much fun with him, taking him shopping, swimming in the Summertime, the parks. It's all worth it.

  15. montanaskyes

    montanaskyes New Member

    Thanks for your post!

    We have alot in common,,,I can identify with alot of your statments,,,Bless you for sitting for 3 years,,It's hard to put your foot down but we have to! I'm glad that your grandson has a loving Gramma!

    Yes the dog issue! They have 2 big labs and i have one springer/border collie,,needless to say they all need a babysitter too! there is a large Kennel there where they live so that comes in handy,,,the babies love the dogs too!

    Yes the Toleration thing sounds familiar,,i've learned to speak up! Somehow though whatevers going on is always my fault,,,(yeah right!),,anyway i have learned to not argue with her ,,,just walk away is my new stratagie!

    I'm glad that you have it easier now! You have earned it! Your grandsons love is the reward,,,
  16. kellygirl

    kellygirl Member

    Yes, sounds like we do have a lot in common...that's why your post caught my eye. My family all thought I was nuts with what I did for my daughter, but I did not want to lose my grandson or have that between us. I have so many happy memories and more to come!

    The Summer was wonderful, he was old enough to walk by himself and put himself in his car seat. We went swimming with family each week, to the state park, shopping....I miss the Summertime.

    I had to go to the doctor from lifting him, I had pelvic pain and just wanted to rule out that nothing was medically wrong with me. The pressure in that area has gone away now that he is older.

    Let us know how things go.
  17. montanaskyes

    montanaskyes New Member

    Hello Everyone!

    just thought i would lrt you all know how things are going in the babysitting realm,,,,
    I sat 2 full days this past week and it did go well,,,They have another gal to sit part time for them now!!!,,,,Yay!

    The baby girls are having attachment issues with gramma not being there all the time ,,but there is nothing i can do about it but take the best care i can of them when i'm there,,,

    Kellygirl,,,i'm considering getting some good used car seats so i can have them in my car just in case i have to take them with me somewhere,,,The girls are now walking full time and can climb up on things now so it will help to get them in and out.

    DD is being more considerate of me (finaly) but like you all know i have to remind her about the limitations of FM,,,and she is understanding of it,,,,i'm the one who has to keep reminding myself of the managing efforts it takes to sort of keep it all on an even keel ,,and to speak up when i can't handle it!!

    Anyhow i hope you all are having a great Saturday! Thanks again for all your kind words and advice! it really helped me in the standing my ground arena!!
  18. kellygirl

    kellygirl Member

    Montanaskyes...that's great. My daughter was acting rudely to me yesterday and I said, "well, I WAS in a good mood"....then, she just turned nice???? I don't know if she doesn't realize what and how she sounds or's like a light bulb, turning it off and on.

    Once I asked her husband which one of us she was mad at and he said "I don't know".

    I asked her why she was yelling at my 3-year old grandson and she stopped, I honestly don't thing she realized sometimes what she's doing.

    She is a great mother, very caring, but she does get into yelling for no reason. Venting, I guess.

    I, too, have found that I need to speak up more often.
  19. lea

    lea Member

    At Walmart dot com, you can get a "Cosco Highback Booster Car Seat, Polyanna"$39.98. And, you should be able to do a store pick up for free shipping.
    Cosco Highback Booster Car Seat with a harness,

    Forward-facing weight range: 22 to 80 lbs
    Forward-facing height range: 43" to 52"
    Belt-positioning booster weight range: 40 to 80 lbs
    Belt-positioning booster height range: 43" to 52"
    5-point harness with up front adjust
    2-position shoulder belt guides
    LATCH equipped
    Removable cup holder
    Storage travel bag

    I believe you cannot buy used car seats due to laws etc. I even heard something about expiration dates on car seats!
    good luck

    [This Message was Edited on 10/20/2012]
  20. montanaskyes

    montanaskyes New Member

    Thanks alot for all the info on car seats Ann,,,Yes i believe the new ones would be the way to go!!