Need Advice Marriage (Very Long)

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by aka1977, Nov 12, 2006.

  1. aka1977

    aka1977 New Member

    My husband and I have been together for 10 years he was 17 I was 19 we have been married a little over 5 yrs. We had a problem almost right off the bat with his family. They didn't want him with me. And honestly I can say I gave them no reason I'm a decent girl that most moms would've be happy to have there sons bring home I think. We'll his mom kicked him out at 17, and he was just always to protective of her (could've come from the fact that his mom & dad split up when he was 9 and he became the man of the house to her, and his two siblings, his dad was barley there especially for him. Anyway well we fought for years because his mom would say terrible things about me and he would do nothing, he was just awful, she accused me of cheating, when I'm not that type, she would comment if I gained a little weight, when my dad passed away unexpectedly she made the comment that now I had him exactly where I wanted him, he would feel to sorry for me for the rest of my life to leave me. None of this affected him. Finally the day we got married in 2001 and he was able to watch her and her mother treat me horrible, he hasn't talked to her since.


    Well in the mean time she wasn't the only issue earlier I mentioned his dad. They have never had a relationship, his dad was always close to his younger brother, and the two other kids he went and had almost immediatly after leaving my dh mom. Well anyway the night my dh graduated high school, my mom had cooked a supper for dh, and his dad showed up with the kids and said he wanted to take just my husband out to eat, well my husband was like well, her mom cooked for me. Well he said it's her or us. Meaning me or him. Well my husband stayed with me. So they didn't talk for years.

    Well a few years later we found out he was bad mouthing again about us getting married and that we were rushing into things and that my husband was making the biggest mistake of his life. We had dated for five years before we got married - he didn't invite his dad to the wedding (his choice).

    Well a few years later he started talking to him again, and stuff was going o.k. and then his dad met a woman, and stopped calling or coming around, which was what he always did when they were younger. So again they didn't talk for a few more years. Fast forward their talking again for a little over a year now and the sun sets and rises in his father you know where. His dad can say, do, act how ever and my husband is oblivious the same way he was with the mom.

    My husband is really great otherwise but this family thing is just awful like he says I mean everything to him, but about a month ago I started having pain in my breast and on one Saturday I passed out in the kitchen, well that same night we were supposed to go to supper at his dads, he still went and expected me to go so I did but I said if I started to feel sick we can leave right, well as soon as we got there he acted like I wasn't even there, and we ending up being there for like 3-4 hrs. And I went to the doctor and I had to have an ultrasound on my breast they found a lump, so I've been worried about breast cancer, and he's telling me oh he's scared and can't imagine his life without me so I went to have a needle biopsy he went along, and I was supposed to get my results last Thursday, well last weekend he comes home and starts fighting with me that since this weekend he was going to be going hunting with his dad he thought I should call and try to find out the results sooner because he wanted to give his dad the common courtosy of letting him know in advance if he couldn't go. I'm like thanks about worrying about me.

    So they did call me last Monday and said it was nothing, so he left for hunting on Thursday, and he has just been an a-- when he calls, he's short, doesn't even sound like my dh, he's like were are you, are you drinking which I hardly ever do. And then today he called when I wasn't home so he didn't get a hold of me, well normally he would've been in a panic calling like a maniac worried he left me a message and never tried again. He's almost like someone I don't even know.

    I don't know if I can live like this because he doesn't see anything wrong and when I say something he says I just don't want him to have anyone in his life but me, and that I'm nuts and paranoid. And to make matters worse is I have been disabled since 2002 so no job, no money, and worst of all is I really love him, and I just wish he could see or feel how bad this hurts when he makes me feels discarded when he's with his family, because when none of them are in his life I'm everything to him, and when they are it's like your important to me when I want you to be. I'm just lost. Sorry so long, but my family is also no real help.

    Thanks,
    aka1977
  2. bmadan

    bmadan New Member

    aka1977,

    I am so sorry you are going thru this. I wish I had some great advice to give you, but I am single and have never been in this type of situation although, I am more than happy to lend you a shoulder to lean on.

    Sending positive thoughts your way!

    Barbara
  3. fieldmouse

    fieldmouse New Member

    I don't think there is anything I can say to make things better for you but I do hope that things get better soon. It sounds to me that he is just like his dad. There can only seem to be one most imortant person in his life at a time. My father-n-law is just like that with my husband. He moved close to us when he and his wife split up. My husband was the most impotant person in his life. He did everything with us. Then when he and his wife got back togeter he moved away and hardly ever even calls. When my husband calls him he always makes it short and don't have much to say. He don't even call to see how the kids are. He hurt the kids real bad when he moved. Its like he don't even exist any more. I don't understand people like this but it is very sad for the whole family. I am sorry I can't be of any help and I don't have any advice for you but I do hope things get better for you. ~Hugs~ Mick!!
  4. Catseye

    Catseye Member

    Hi, my mother-in-law is a dumb, country hick who can't speak English, can't cook (she just heats food up, no spices, not even salt) and I mean she can't even work the yellow pages. I'm always civil to her even though she hates me. I've been to college and have a house but I still wasn't good enough for her son. So that's about par for the course with mothers-in-law. His dad's nice but old and not going to last much longer. My mother-in-law also drives her son nuts and it ends up causing problems with us but you just have to distance yourself from it. Some people are just lacking in proper brain DNA and the neurotransmitters that are responsible for sanity. It's not really their fault, it's like a hardware failure. It's better to see it this way, anyway. Focus on your husband and what you guys have. Nevermind his goofy family! Just like my in-laws, they won't be around forever. My mother-in-law's whole family knows she's nuts and when she dies people are going to be relieved rather than miss her terribly. She's always laying guilt trips on everyone when she doesn't get her way. Just like a child throwing a tantrum. It's better that you know you are acting properly but never say anything bad about them; it still hurts a guy to hear something bad about his mother [edited]. You're aren't the only one with nutty in-laws!
  5. aka1977.

    im so sorry that toxic people are coming between you and your husband.

    on this web site you might find a link about toxic people,,they are people who for whatever reason ,just make every body elses business,their own.and cause distress to others,when they should in fact,keep their nose out of other peoples relationships.

    i have seen a pattern on this site,and its that ,we who are hurting and fatigued,are bullied by healthy people in our lives.

    the only advice i can give you right now is this.take time out,and try to have a break from visiting your husbands family for a few weeks.if your husband asks ...why wont you come with me to visit my family? just say to him,that you are getting advice from this site on how you can plan out ways of better helping yourself to cope with living with this illness.and dealing with your bodies pain.

    tell your husband that you are going to start taking short walks out doors (invite him along if he,ll join you)that way you can get some time together,just the two of you,and it costs no money at all,just a walk.

    and tell him that you are going to start doing some gentle excersize at home,in hopes that you can gain muscle strength.then tell him that because you are ill,and trying to help yourself get well,it takes it out of you,and you need to rest a while,but that his family can come and visit you at home if they choose.

    that way you wont have to go to their house,and tense up(like we do when visitng toxic people)believe me i know.

    theres no harm in him visiting his family without you.they are the toxic people,why would you even want to hear their negative remarks.but in you and your husband spending some time together,walking,whatever you choose to do.you might find that the length of time he spends with his family,gets shorter,he might then spend more time with you doing things out doors,at a gentle pace of course.

    this illness has a gift in making us think we dont matter to anyone,or anything.but i want you to read about toxic people on this site.how destructive they can be,if we let them.i want you,in time, to find that hero, that is still inside you.its still there.and i want you to visit here and read how we all are getting some sort of control back in our lives.the first lesson.love yourself.

    share your husband with his family and yourself,but let him see that,right now you are tired,but starting a road of some sort of recovery,like we all are.

    you dont need to tell him that in your opinion his family are toxic people.he loves them,they are his family.but you CAN choose what sort of atmosphere you want to be in.

    i choose not to be with toxic people,but if i have no choice in the matter,id limit my time being in their company.


    love fran
  6. NyroFan

    NyroFan New Member

    aka1977:

    Yes, I know marriages and families can be this way.
    For years I thought 'grin and bear it'.

    When I got sick hubby did not take it well (and that is putting it mildly).

    I divorced him, but in your case that sounds like it would be very extreme.

    I just wanted you to know that sometimes the husband can not handle an ill wife, but very often when educated about the disease they become more caring.

    Taking him on some doctors visits when he can sit in the exam room with you might help. In my case it did not work,but in thinking back my husband was a money-maker and charm boy,but when it came down to brass tacks: he was a bum.

    You take care of yourself and remember that until your husband and family comes down to it: they will have to understand about you or you will need to protect yourself from their ignorance.

    nyrofan
  7. carebelle

    carebelle New Member

    I have been married for 33 years and I learn early on not to say anything bad about his family.No matter how bad they are ,rude ,weird or anything else they are still his family and he loves them .

    you are better off to surport him and encourage him to have a relationship with them.He will get fed up sooner if you dont add your 2 cents .He will always defend them no matter how disfunctional they are.Try to understand he is probably trying to get over a hard childhood.

    Its best you are there to surport him and love him when they disapoint him yet another time.
    If they are rude to you return kindness he will love you more for not doing anything to add to their rude behavior and his stress.
    hang in there dont take things personal if he does things with his family find something you want to do .If you have a Great Family he will will soon tire of his familys drama .This really has nothing to do with you its about him trying to have a better life with his family.
    just love him he will appreciate you more for not adding to the stress.
  8. elliespad

    elliespad Member

    You've gotten good sound advice from many. Only thing I would add, INSIST he NOT allow them to degrade/bash you, whether in your presence or not. You are his WIFE, and he should honor you and INSIST they honor you also. I would (and did) stop going to their house, it wasn't healthy emotionally for me, and I simply announced I'm not going. Try to keep your opinions about them to yourself. Let him draw his own conclusions.

    I think barrowinnovations and I married into the same family. But they are long deceased.

    BARROWINNOVATIONS, YOU CRACKED THE HELL OUT OF ME !!! I was howling and snorting, could barely read it to my husband. LOVED IT !
  9. joyfully

    joyfully New Member

    BINGO!

    I had the MIL from he** after her husband died. She decided that she wanted her son back and did everything possible to break us up.

    Get the book "cutting Loose". It will at least help you identify their manipulative behaviors. The best advice I can give you is to REMOVE THE AUDIENCE. THAT IS YOU!

    Go for a walk and remove yourself from the madness.

    The more you try to defend your position, the more your hubby will defend his parent. Whacky? Yes. Unfair??? Yes. Hurtful? Yes.

    Get a hobby; do some things for yourself. Just don't sit there "stewing" or you are going to be like the safety valve on a pressure cooker. The pressure will keep building up until everything comes spewing out.

    The most you can say is, "it really hurts my feelings when you treat me hurtfully after you are around your Dad".

    When he tells you he doesn't.

    Tell him from your perspective ---he does and it makes you very sad.

    When he asks for examples, he wants to debate you into the ground and make fun or minimize your examples. SO I WOULDN'T fall for it. Just state, "Just please treat me the loving way that you normally do when you haven't been around your Dad."

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