Need Advice on Spending Time with a Friend

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by bpmwriter, Mar 19, 2006.

  1. bpmwriter

    bpmwriter New Member

    hi all,

    somehow i've managed to put everyone in my life on hold for the last year and a half. the toxic friends were dismissed a long time ago, but these are friends i really care about. the good ones. and i feel like i need to find a way to see them while remaining at peace with the fact that i have limitations and new boundaries.

    a friend of mine from new york emailed the other day to say he was thinking of getting away for a couple days to florida (i live on the west central coast) and wondered if i was going to be around. since i was feeling good at the time, i suggested we meet in miami and maybe drive down to the keys. then i had a bad day and started thinking it wasn't a good idea to talk him into any plans that weren't his own. what if i feel rotten? i'm sure most of you have been through this little dance countless times. have you figured out a scenario that works for you??

    in my perfect world, i have my own hotel room, spend time with my friend as i feel up to it, and retreat to my room when i don't. does anyone else feel like a crazy person when they suggest these types of scenarios?? in my twenties i use to travel around europe in cramped trains, share rooms with friends and spend days on end with people without thinking twice. now the idea of spending more than a few hours with anyone makes me sick to stomach. it's like i have to have an exit at all times.

    i guess i just need some moral support on this one. tell me i'm not alone?? :)

    eddie
  2. pemaw54

    pemaw54 New Member

    I know how you feel. I cant make plans even for the next day anymore and I was always the list maker and planner for weeks in advance for vacations etc. Ive lost all of my friends and even though I miss them, I now believe I ran them off by not returning calls or making plans with them. That was my fault.

    Now, I cant even tell my husband if I can go to a family reunion until that morning or even that afternoon. What you said about your own room and resting is exactly what you should tell your friend and also say, with lots of rest, you might be able to do more with them. Especially in the evening if you get a nap. Now when we go on vacation, I do my thing and they do their thing and we do fine. But thats with family so that is different.

    Suzette
  3. mlp1954

    mlp1954 New Member

    and tell them exactly what you wrote here. If they are a true friend they will understand. Good luck. Pattie
  4. Adl123

    Adl123 New Member

    Dear Eddie,
    You are a lot braver than I am. I just stopped making plans.

    Why don't you phone your friend and just tell him what you wrote in your post? Be honest with him and let him decide. That way, all will be out in the open and he will know ahead of time that you need time to rest, and won't take it personally.

    Good luck, and have lots of fun!
    Terry
  5. pawprints

    pawprints New Member

    The advice was good...let him know how you are feeling.

    I do that all the time...make plans on a good day and then regret it the next when I am feeling bad.

    You could have some fun in the Keys and enjoy a nice get away. Maybe do more sunning than walking.

    Hope it works out for you.

    Shana
  6. NyroFan

    NyroFan New Member

    Eddie:
    I am the same way. I do not go on any trips anymore except maybe a yearly pilgrimage to see my sister in Florida once a year, but she mainly watches tv and that's it. It works well for me.

    I make no plans. Everything is spur of the moment.
    It makes it difficult to go anywhere with anyone, but maybe your friend would make an exception in your case. No, you are not alone in this.

    N.F.
  7. kch64

    kch64 New Member


    I rarely have plans that work out. I've had a few occassions where they did, but not many.

    Does this friend know you have FM/CFS?

    Kendra
  8. RockiAZ

    RockiAZ New Member

    Eddie, as you can tell, you are NOT alone and some pretty good suggestions have been made.

    However, I understand your concern and frustration. For me, it's still hard at times, even after 6 years of this crud. It makes me feel bad that I can't make plans or go and do things like before, but try to get through it okay.

    Whenever we are invited to functions (mainly through my hubby's work or family) they know well that we may or may not be able to attend - just depends on how I'm feeling. When they know this up front, at least it can help to make you feel better when the day arrives and if you are too ill to go, no explainations are needed - they should understand without questions.

    Hope you feel better and remember that we're all here for you!

    Live, Laugh, Love,
    Rocki
  9. kch64

    kch64 New Member


    I posted before this also. I like to have my space too.

    The one friend I have that I would travel with (other than my husband) also has FM.

    We are alike in many ways, so we cut each other some slack.

    I think some of what you're feeling, comes with maturity.

    You said you used to go to Europe, stay with a lot of people in one room, etc.

    I find that as we age, we tend to shy away and need more room of our own.

    I too, need to feel that I have an "exit". I don't like not being in control of my own situation.

    You're not alone in your feelings. As a matter of fact, I've talked to others that don't have FM/CFS and many are like that. Again, it seems to come as we start to age (not meaning your old, just changing as adults).

    Hope this helps. If this friend is a good "keeper" friend, then explain your feelings. I bet he will understand.

    Kendra
  10. bpmwriter

    bpmwriter New Member


    fight4acure, i absolutely agree that the social aversion is a form of anxiety, but i would have to argue that it is in fact related to the cfs/fibro. everyone's different of course, but i never had these types of problems before i got sick. i take lexapro for anxiety and though it helps in a big picture sense (ie. sleep, muscle tension), it really does nothing for my tendency to remain withdrawn.

    kendra, i'm sure you're right that it's also an age thing. i've always thought that when i get better, my life will still look a lot different than it did before. it's like i spent 15 years constantly socializing and have no interest in doing so anymore. and it doesn't help that most of my friends are a few years younger than me :)

    i'm off to email my friend now...

    eddie
  11. Tmprincess

    Tmprincess New Member

    Sounds like your friend is just interested in spending some quality time with you, regardless of what you do.... but, i do the same thing you did all the time! LOL*

    I suggest these extravagant plans (mostly because i don't do much of anything), thinking how great it will be! But, then i start to feel bad and wonder if i will really be up for the challenge when the time comes.

    I'm learning my lesson though. I recently had a dear friend come to town who wanted to hook up. After much panic i suggested some things that would work FOR ME!! and let her pick from the list of options.... We ended up doing lunch, some light window shopping, and a day at the spa! (massages, manicures, & pedicures) Other than the massage we were able to talk and spend quality time together the whole day. Plus we both felt relaxed and rejuvenated afterwards!

    I will also be going for my brothers wedding in Fl. soon... and instead of staying with family, we will be staying in our own hotel room. Just had to tell the family this was something i needed to do incase i start feeling bad. I need a quite place to get away by myself.

    The conversations seem so hard to have i know, but once you start, and if said with love... they will be taken with love. And if these are your closest friends and family, then they will understand and give you the support you need!

    Good luck hun!
    TM~
    [This Message was Edited on 03/21/2006]
    [This Message was Edited on 03/21/2006]
  12. livin4him

    livin4him New Member

    I have made this mistake and learned my lesson to many times in the past. I will never do it again.

    The last time I did make plans with my last friend left, we went to have some dinner, I was so nauseous before, but went anyway. It was horrible, had to sit there all the while dizzy and nauseous. He knew I was sick and we just cut it short.

    He knew how I was before this DD and how I am now. He has seen me through it all. He understand that I just have to see how I am feeling that day. Sometimes, it is up to the last minute.

    My humble opinion is to just tell the truth. If they understand they are a true friend. If not, they never were.