Need Child Rearing Opinions

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by jmq, Dec 8, 2007.

  1. jmq

    jmq New Member

    My dh and I are having a major disagreement and I just wondered what all of you parents out there think...

    My 12 year old daughter is not doing well in school...has a typical pre teen attitude but is a good kid otherwise. I want to give her what she wants for Christmas. It is a major purchase, but we have saved for it. Dad says NO, she should not get a BIG gift this year because she does not study enough, care about school, and fibs sometimes about homework. She has major emotional problems as many of you may remember from other posts I have made. He thinks because of that, I spoil her....and that she knows how to manipulate me.

    My husband just thinks if we get it for her, she will not get the message that she has to change some of her bad habits!

    I think..when it comes to Christmas...a childs dreams should come true...( within means of course!)not because of her being good or bad...but just because I want her to have good memories of dreams coming true on Christmas.

    I also thought we could use this special gift later on as an incentive...if her grades keep diving or she lies is taken away etc.

    Am I spoiling her? I swear, with my depression and FM fog, I do not trust my own judgement...I also really need to get on the same page with my husband or she will get mixed messages. HELP!

  2. cmmachin

    cmmachin New Member

    I too have a teenage daughter and my dh thinks that I spoil her and give in to her too much and that she manipulates me. I did buy a BIG purchase for my daughters BDay and she challenges me alot with school and studies and grades.

    I have recently have put my foot down with her and even wrote her a list of her life rules that I have displayed on the pantry door. I use her big gift (a laptop computer that I spent close to 2,000 dollars on...I had to save and scrimp forever for) as an incentive piece. It is hard to stick to your guns but I feel it is important for her to learn respoisibility.

    I beleive also that a child should have a dreamy Christimas despite her behaviors. I feel that these are minor compared to what could be really really really bad stuff that some teens do. Hubby gets huffy but then I remind him of his bad behaviors that he does and ask if he should not get a thing for Christmas because of them. Shuts him up fast!

    Stick to your guns and God Bless

  3. Rosiebud

    Rosiebud New Member

    I dont believe that presents should be used as a form of enticement or blackmail.

    And I think that at Xmas time you should give your daughter what you intended giving her in the first place.

    Kids need to be spoiled sometimes especially at Xmas.

    If the only problem is with her homework then I dont see that as much of a problem at all.....she could be up to all sorts of things that are real problems. Your husband sounds like he's too hard on her....sorry.

    [This Message was Edited on 12/09/2007]
  4. sisland

    sisland New Member

    So hard being a TEEN Parent!,,,I would Help her with her homework and tell her in the process what the rewards are!,,,,,,including gifts,,,life skills,,,,ect!

    Good jobs that can make her alot of money to live on when she graduates and becomes an adult,,,,,,,,One on one was always a really good tool to use when my kids were Teens!

    Although it didn't stop their normal teen behavior!
    it sounds like she's doin' good though! Maybe check into the big brother big sister program! they can really help out if you need them!,,,,,,,,,,,,Hugs~,,,Sis
  5. Asatrump

    Asatrump New Member

    I think you have to know your own child and your own situation. You must consider the past and the future and the every day living.

    My kids are grown and I have a grand son age 10 in fifth grade. He has moments of sneaky, has been caught in lies, like all others he is not a perfect child.

    I am the grand mother, not the mother so problems are not mine to solve, but I make plenty of observations.

    I have been taking him to basketball practice twice weekly for many weeks due to the schedule of his parents. During this time I have seen him try, try and try. Not a gifted athlete but trying 100%. I have seen him pat super jock and congratulate him and I have seen him encourage a boy on the team with cerebal palsy. I like what I have seen.

    Since I am grand mother I can do things differently than I did as mom. His first quarter report card was sitting on his kitchen table and I picked it up and read. 96% average and all A's. I handed him a twenty dollar bill. I am reinforcing good work, rather than bribing him at a later date to bring his grades up.

    I mentioned it only once so as to not put too much pressure on him, but I told him if he brings his average up to 97% the report card at mid year, I will give him $100. I consider this an investment.

    Ask me in ten years how this works?
  6. jmq

    jmq New Member

    I had another heart to heart talk with my hubby tonight and he has agreed to get my daughter her dream Christmas present. I even found one on sale!

    Life is so short and we have all year to disapline...set ground rules, teach the hard lessons....lets have some JOY at Christmas!

    As always, I get so many good perspectives from all of you. Thank you, once again, for being there for me..


    [This Message was Edited on 12/09/2007]