Need Christian Advice - Please help

Discussion in 'Spirituality/Worship' started by Elisa, Sep 2, 2007.

  1. Elisa

    Elisa Member

    My sister's boyfriend was both verbally and physically abusive to me at a birthday party for my mother.

    After the abusive incident I think I was in shock. Then the worse part, my sister defended his actions.

    I have been a mess since it happened - weeks ago. I know in my heart that I can not be around my sister or her boyfriend - I really feel that they are dangerous to me. I have been disabled with CFIDS, FM and other medical problems for over 10 yrs.

    I am so sad though - as I have always wanted to have a close family and she is my only sibling.

    She has never really shown any caring toward me and I have struggled with resentment toward her for years. I know it is not up to me to judge.

    I need to know what is the Christian way in this circumstance. I am really tramatized from this event. I have trouble even talking about it - and when I have I start to shake. I guess I feel devestated - for what this says about how she feels about me. I could never allow my sister to be hurt in any way - I wouldn't be able to live with myself.

    She, however, seems to approve of this abuse and I have seen it before from other boyfriends - however, it was always verbal abuse, in the past, not physical.

    She has been with him for 9 years and I have had a bad feeling about it from the start.

    Thank you for your support and guidance. I really want to conduct my life in a way that God can be proud of me.


    [This Message was Edited on 09/28/2007]
  2. caffey

    caffey New Member

    There are several issues here.
    One you didn't say if this is the first time he has done this to you or not.
    1. God doesn't call us to be doormats. That behaviour is unacceptable. He needs helps. You need to tell him that what he did is unacceptable and the next time he tries anything like that you will go and get a restraining order on him. Your sister will probably hate you but in the long run you are doing her a favor.
    2. Your sister sounds like the classic abused woman personality. He didn't mean it, you ticke him off, he is having a bad day etc. She is afraid of him and trapped. I would suggest you get her alone and tell her that she needs to get a restraining order against him. That things won't change until he gets some professional help no matter how much he whines and promises etc.
    3. You don't deserve this. Remember your first responsibility is to look after you and your health. I know it hurts but you can't live your sister,s life for her. I would suggest you contact a counsellor or woman's line and talk to them about how you are feeling. Keep your door open you never know when your sister may show up on your doorstep needing a friend. All the best.
  3. mimimurch4

    mimimurch4 New Member

    This is my firs post on this board and yours just really touched me. I totally agree with Caffey on this situation.
    Most abusers have very poor self esteem and if you stand up for yourself, it will probabaly surprise him and catch him off guard. Someone else should be around you though when you do this for safety measures.

    Also, I would suggest that you start praying for your sister. I see that you aren't close and sometimes it is hard to pray for friends or family members who treat us mean or unfair, but that is what God whould have us do.
    Pray for her, thata God Would draw her to you in some way.
    Pray for her safety. Pray that God would remove that person from her life. Of course, these are just my suggestions. I will be praying for you in these ways as well. Keep me infomred, I am very interested and concerened.

    God Bless You and Keep you safe,
    Your friend in Christ,

    P.S. I am from Arthritis Board. Suffer from RA,. OA, DDD,
    High Blood Pressure, Depression, heart problems, ra affecting internal organs, low thyroid, and seems like something new is added daily. Please remember me in your prayers also.
  4. joyfully

    joyfully New Member

    I believe that your siter is drawn to abusive men. I think this guy has gotten HIS attitude of you from your sister. In other words, your sister has given him the the idea that is it OK to treat you this way. I'd say that their relationship probably has physical and verbal abuse going on in it.

    There is nothing you can do about it. You have PLENTY on your plate already. You can pray for her,but trying to interceed will probably not work. The only thing interceeding would do is to cause you to have flare-ups from the additional stress.

    I would clearly let that piece of garbage that she is hanging around with know that if he EVER touches you again, you will have him arrested for assault and battery.

    Also, if he says some nasty remark to you in the future, I'd say in a loud voice, "what did you just say to me?"

    I'd make sure that everyone hears you when you ask this question. If he doesn't respond, I'd say, "You just said to me, "and then repeat word for word what he just said'----

    I'd then add a statement at the end that would basically say, "I want everyone to know what a low life, foul mouth person that you really are".

    Then I'd leave.

    Does your Mother know that this happened?

    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>HI. I just came back because I believe you asked what the Christian thing to do is.

    You can forgive, but that doesn't mean that you are just supposed to allow the incident to happen again. I believe this WILL happen again if you don't let him know you will call the police the next time ----

    Just because you are a Christian doesn't mean that you are supposed to be a doormat.

    You hear the story in the Bible about "turning the other cheek". What many people don't realize is that you were only allowed to touch food or other people with one of your hands for sanitary reasons. So when the person struck your face with the one hand and you then turned your face for him to hit the opposite side of your face with his other hand----

    that would require that the person would use the unclean hand (his opposite hand). There were CONSEQUENCES for touching another person with the unclean hand. So this was a passive aggressive act by the person being hit. I think of it as kind of a Ghandi-type of response.

    Another example is when a soldier made a person carry the soldier's posessions for a certain distance. Then the person carrying the heavy load offers to carry it further. There were laws that stated the max. distance that a soldier could require someone to carry his load.

    The person doing the carrying would volunteer to carry it further KNOWING that it was not allowed by law. So the soldier would have to decline. It gave the emotional upper-hand BACK to the person who had to haul the soldier's heavy load.

    Get the picture???? These people weren't just accepting the victim position. They were cleverly changing the dynamics. I'd let that abusive turkey know that there will be consequences if he trys to pull his garbage on you.

    I wouldn't count on your sister for help. She sounds like part of the problem.

    [This Message was Edited on 09/03/2007]
  5. Elisa

    Elisa Member

    I am grateful to each one of you for your help and thoughtful advice. It has been over a month now and I am still struggling with this issue.

    I read and re-read your messages and it gives me a great deal of support and I really need support.

    I have a birthday coming up and that means a family get together and I am feeling extremely uneasy, fearful and uncomfortable - having my sister there...Am I wrong? Should I be able to forgive this? She has never apologized for siding with her boyfriend and essentially permitting and supporting harm to come to me. And as you all astutely mentioned - she does not feel love toward me - just justified meaness and wanting to hurt me. It's odd to me I haven't really spent time with her for 20 yrs - since childhood - so I don't understand her issues - nor do we ever speak on the phone.

    Since I became ill over 10 yrs ago - she has avoided me completely. That in and of itself has hurt me a great deal. But I guess when one is chronically ill you begin to feel alienated from real life anyway - kinda like watching others have a life and always hoping, praying and waiting to move on with your own.

    I know forgiveness doesn't mean reconciliation - but I am deeply hurt to learn that she really felt it was okay for her boyfriend to emotionally/verbally and physically hurt me. It was, to me, her screaming "I don't love you" - and I guess I never really knew that or could believe it.

    Thank you for your kindness,


    P.S. I know the bible says to forgive:

    Jesus tells Peter he should forgive his neighbor "seventy times 7 times", seven being a number that often represents perfection or totality. In other words, Jesus was saying "forgive him every time he comes to you and repents", because he later said, "if your brother comes to you seven times in one day and sins against you, and seven times in one day he comes and says, 'I repent', you shall forgive him...".

    But what if my sister doesn't feel bad or sorry for what she did ...then what?

    -but can anyone more knowledgable refer me to parts that may address my situation.

    [This Message was Edited on 09/13/2007]
  6. joyfully

    joyfully New Member

    I still think an essential question is -----Does your Mom know what happened?

    I think it would help to guage your response to your nasty sister and her abusive boyfriend by getting your Mother's perspective on this.

    That will be a pretty good indicator how the rest of the family is going to deal with this situation.

    You don't want it to backfire and your Mom side with the sister. it is better to find out in advance.

    If you are already ill, you don't need to also deal with a major uproar in your family.

    For your Birthday, could you have it in a restaurant and make sure that you don't sit next to the 2 of them??? You could ask a couple other people to kinda' usher the 2 offenders to a different part of the table---or even better would be separate tables!

  7. Elisa

    Elisa Member

    You are so inspired...these verses are VERY helpful - thanks you so much for your kindness.

    I want to really study these tonight and see what comes of it in my heart by morning.

    I have confronted my sister - but not alone - as she is never without him. My father tells me he has told her her "wrongs" - but she is disrespectful and seems not to care.

    My Mother just wants us "to all to be together" - which really bothers me - because I feel like I need to protect myself and she is not understanding the significance of my sisters actions, as well as her boyfriend.

    Anyway, thank you so very very much for these verses...I asked for help and God answered my prayer with you Hanginthere.

    God Bless You,


    [This Message was Edited on 09/13/2007]
  8. Elisa

    Elisa Member

    Thanks you for both of your e-mails - your kindness overwhelmes me and I am so thankful for your help!

    You ask a very good question...What does my Mother think?

    My Mother is complex and contrary...her main objective is to keep the family united - but that gets in the way of keeping it healthy.

    I'm not sure she understands the significance of my sisters actions OR her boyfriends. I belive in zero tolerance of abuse of any kind. But she has always been able to justify what my sister does - although I think she understands her boyfriend was very wrong - I think she somehow excuses my sister's actions - as being "brainwashed." My sister is a 40+ yr old women and the youngest so others have been excusing her behavior for some time.

    I was particularly upset today becuase my Mother called and said your sister wants to know what to get you for your birthday. It was such a shock - as we have not spoken about what happened since Aug 11th - complete silence. I have realy suffered - as I am very sensitive and my health has been very bad this year.

    Anyway, knowing that my sister approves/supports what her boyfriend did - and guessing she has felt negatively toward me for some time - I just can't imagine trying to celebrate a birthday with them there. No one should have to sit at a table with people that are comfortable doing harm to others - especially family members.

    Anyway, thank you Joyfully - the mother is the center of the family - in many families and she is not protecting me but just wants us to be together.

    Let me know what you think...


    [This Message was Edited on 09/13/2007]
  9. joyfully

    joyfully New Member

    I think you have a Mother who makes different rules for different people. Your Mother enables your sister to act this way. IF you have to go to a party with the brat and her abusive boyfriend----stay close to your Mother.

    You are in a "no win" situation. I also have a Mother who wants peace at the expense of common civility and common sense. She also "protects" one of her children's antics.

    The "antics" are different, it is more to do with greed, selfcenteredness, and chronic lies---but the enabling and excuses are basically the same.

    If I come up with an idea how to combat this, I'll post it for you. My own solution was to MOVE FARRRRRRRRR AWAY from the dysfunctional madness decades ago. I've made my life independent from expecting family approval.

    I'm suggesting that you consider getting a mace key ring and read the instruction pamphlet.
    If nothing else, it will give you a sense of protection which will translate into different body language on you.

  10. Bearah12

    Bearah12 New Member

    I can't post the site on here, but if you google this...
    Luke17:3 ministries
    it is the first hit. I found it to be very helpful and just came across this site last night. Then I just happen to read your post so I hope this might be just as helpful.
    I am still learning boundaries.
  11. mimimurch4

    mimimurch4 New Member

    Isn't today your birthday? I thought I saw this on your profile. Mine was on the 15th. How about that?

    Hope you have had a good day and will still be praying for your family situation.

    Gentle Hugs and Love for your Birthday!!!!

  12. Elisa

    Elisa Member

    Hi everyone,

    I am having a great deal of emotional pain from my family (mainly Mother) pressuring me to be around my sister and her boyfriend. I am so severely stressed over it I can hardly write this message...

    I have very strong feelings that I need to stay away from the physical abuse (her boyfriend) and the emotional abuse (my sister's belief that it is okay for him to hurt me).

    I am greatly troubled by my Mother's calling it "childish" and "he didn’t hit you in the face" and all the other comments to diminish what happened. She cries and says I don’t understand that a Mother wants her two daughters together...I am horrified because I believe a Mother should want her daughters SAFE. I cannot imagine encouraging ANYONE to be in harms way - and I especially cannot understand her need to diminish what happened. I understand the Christian side of forgiveness - BUT that does not mean reconciliation - especially if I am fearful for a reason.

    My sister never apologized nor did her boyfriend - and that probably won’t decrease my fear of them anyway.

    What do I do regarding my Mother's bizarre view of this situation? I really do not feel that her behavior is loving toward me. And that is the saddest part for me. I just can't imagine encouraging a child to be around people who can harm him/her - worse diminishing the threat of it.

    Can you guys give me some feedback - am I wrong here? How do I honor my Mother? What is the Christian way here? How do I protect myself from this attack? I think I am also feeling uncomfortable with being close to my Mother too.

    Your friend in Christ,

    [This Message was Edited on 09/28/2007]
  13. mimimurch4

    mimimurch4 New Member

    Dear Elisa,

    I just don't know what to tell you about this situation.
    I can only pray for you that you will have wisdom to know what to do. If you ask God to give you wisdome, believing that He will, and stay in His Word, Praise Him and keep praying, He will show you the way.

    You said before that your entire family had been to counseling before. Are you in counseling right now? I would think that that would be a starting point, but I would suggest a Christian counselor for sure. That person could give you pointers and advice that I am not qualified to do.

    Please know that I care for you and am keeping your situation in my prayers daily. Please keep me informed.

    Thanks again for praying for me. I am doing much better now. Answered prayer!!!!

    Love in Christ,
  14. mimimurch4

    mimimurch4 New Member

    Just wanted to touch base with you. Haven't heard from you in several days. How are things going with everyone?
    How are you feeling? I am concerned about you and want you to know that I have still been praying for you and your family situation. Please post me back and let me know how you are doing.

    Love in Christ,
  15. Elisa

    Elisa Member

    I am doing better today. Thank you so much for writing...

    I was in the ER all day yesterday - I have/had severe pain, shortness of breath and fever. All three struck and I just couldn't breath. I try so hard to stay okay - and pray to improve but things have been bad for months. I have also had a fever for three months.

    I do believe God guides you - and He helps me feel like I matter (a little more in this world) when I hear from you. As you know, being ill is sooo hard and I get very discouraged. So your kind and caring voice is so very much appreciated. Thank you Mimi!

    [This Message was Edited on 10/03/2007]
  16. mimimurch4

    mimimurch4 New Member

    How are you doing today? Hope much better. Did they find out what is causing you to run the fever? That doesn't sound right to me.

    I have to go and get my Orencia infusion tomorrow morning.
    Hope it gets to working on me this time. Having some pain in left hand and right wrist.

    Hope this finds things going on better with you and your situations. Just know that I continue to pray for you always.

  17. mscindy

    mscindy New Member

    I've scanned thru these posts, I'm sorry I don't have as much time at this moment as I would like to "talk" to you right now...I have a very similar situation with my brother. We were always very close. About 4 years ago my brother BLEW UP at my husband, and I about something insignificant(I can share when I have more time if you wish). I really believe he has a manic personality, and was ready to blow anyway-we just happened to be the recipients-at a family reunion that spoiled the day. He was out of control. This has happened before, mostly in the past 10 years, and he has always apologized-sometimes after a few months have gone by, and we have "gotten on with life". During those times I know both of my folks wanted to keep the family together (even tho it is already split from their divorce-ha!) ANyway, since this last blow up tho, my MOm has had a different opinion about being around people that you don't feel comfortable around, or are aggravated by, or aren't nice to you...Her sis-in laws (3) have never been nice to her, and she always had to endure them while visiting her Mom in Montana. Now that my grma is gone, my mom has vowed never to go there and be in that position again-at the expense of seeing her brothers-whom she loves dearly. WHile I understand this, and agree with it to some extent, she now doesn't seem to encourage family get togethers at all. Just each family separate. The little cousins don't get to be together. She would like to have them together at her place tho. She doesn't (that I'm aware of) encourage my brother to apologize and get on with life-My husband and I are forgiving, and would forgive once again, but my mom doesn't seem to think he should have to. She thinks my hubby and he just have clashing personalities. (She was not there for the blowup, and doesn't really know the details.) We are all Christians. This makes it even harder. You and I have the same kind of hurt re: our sibling and parent, albeit opposite reasons. I think the parents turn a kind of blind eye, because we are their CHILDREN-their BABIES. In the past my mom sounded just like yours. So, anyway I just wanted to let you know that I can relate to how you feel, how you feel sick inside, and how you get the shakes about this. I have that whenever my brother is mentioned. I love him, but the whole business makes me physically ill, and my soul yearns for a reconciliation, but I am not going to be the one to do it anymore because I think this time he needs to be prompted by God. Back to YOU, I think you should stay away from your sister while she is with this man. Competely. It will make mention of family gatherings uncomfortable for you and your family, but you will be safe physically and mentally. In this way I agree with my mom's thinking. Do you all live in the same town? The holidays may be a little lonely, but you can make time for your folks separately. Maybe you can see your sister for lunch in public. Do not let her set you up. Well anyway, I do need to run, I just want you to know I really feel for you in my heart. I KNOW!!! Blessings to you Elisa-Cindy P.S.Did you get together for your birthday? Mine was the day after yours; for 4 years now, my brother's family and mine have been sending b-day and Christmas gifts thru the mail, or via our parents.
    [This Message was Edited on 10/04/2007]
    [This Message was Edited on 10/04/2007]
  18. Elisa

    Elisa Member

    Your message was just what I needed to hear - that I'm not alone in my situation. Thank you so much for sharing this with me. There are a lot of things you said I never thought of -- that really help me.

    Even though it's sad...we both feel heartsick over problems with our siblings. It really does deeply hurt.

    Maybe my sister is always ready to go off - like you said with your brother - who knows? I just don't understand it - AT ALL. But I do agree that there is a time when the other person must consider their actions too. I have always been the one to apologize - she never has - regardless of who was at fault.

    It really is so good to know that we share this same/smilair situation and that God let me know through you that I am not alone in my feelings - it gives me a great deal of comfort and that is what I have been praying for.

    I look forward to hearing from you more and sahring info on our situations - maybe we can help heal each other or at least gain a better and more peaceful understanding of our siblings.

    God Bless,

  19. Elisa

    Elisa Member

    Thank you Mimi for being such a caring friend. You are a blessing to me.

    The ER just referred me back to my specialists - and around I go. The fever is up and down...the breathing is much better but I was in severe all-over pain today - more than I can bear. But I am a little better now - cause I can write this!!!! YEAH!

    How are you doing? Tell me what an Orencia infusion is? Is it for RA? The docs are are testing me for RA too - and other things that cause fevers.

    Thank you for your prayers and know you are in my prayers as a treasured friend! I pray your infusion goes well and you are feeling well!!!!

  20. Jordane

    Jordane New Member

    I am so sorry yo are going thru this.You DO NOT have to keep putting yourself in the line of to speak.

    Tell your sister and mom that you love them but will not be anywhere near your sisters boyfriend[?]. Since they are not taking ANY steps to protect need to...for your own safety..../because the abuse toward you will probably escalate.

    I am not being nosey....but...was your dad abusive with your mom...and/ or your sister?

    Your mom seems to be taing this rather lightly...typical
    of an abused person [ in denial ].

    Prayers for you,