Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by pirtpain, Dec 15, 2005.

  1. pirtpain

    pirtpain New Member

    As some of you know, my son recently came out of a rehab facility for both alcoholism & gambling. Jeremy is almost 29 and took off 2 1/2 yrs. ago to "find himself." I found out where he was, by chance, 6 mnths ago & talked with him briefly.

    He said he did not want to see any of us. He claimed that he was tired of the family telling him what he should be doing & who he should be dating etc. He was in Reno. He called yesterday & told me that he just got out rehab,

    spent all of his $ to go in, had lost his job, & wanted to come home. We are buying a plane ticket for him to come tomarrow. One other thing, he has borrowed about $5,000.
    from us in the past 8 yrs. or so, bailing him out of debt

    here & there. The last time we saw him we reluctantly loaned him $2,000. to supposedly pay for some bills. He skipped out on us, so we were very pissed off! Anyway he sounded very sad on the phone and I am so happy to

    finally hear from him. I NEED ADVICE FROM YOU GUYS!! This is the way I think we need to proceed frm here. We need to begin by providing a calm environment. No lecturing, but listening to him and let him tell us what has happened in

    his life for the past 2 or so yrs., what happened with the alcohol & gambling, rehab etc. & what he wants to do going forward. We have no problem him staying here for now until he comes up with a plan, however we do feel that he should

    join AA or some other type of support group. Do you think he should also join something for the gambling? Should my husband & I join AL-NON? Obviously we should get rid of any alcohol in the house. What about depression? Are alcoholics

    prone to suicide after they get out? I know at one time he was on anti-depressants yrs. ago. Is it safe to be on them again, or would he become addicted to them too? I would really love to hear frm all of you.

  2. suzetal

    suzetal New Member

    My Dad years ago had problems.Now hes gone .

    He became a counselor for AA.

    He always said cause my sister Carol has lots of problems with booze and drugs.

    That you can never help anyone who do not want to help them selves.Also never give money for anything .If he needs something you go out and buy it.

    Lectures are not good.So just welcome him home with open arms.

    Theres so much I could tell you but it hurts me to talk about it .

    Good Luck to you and your family.Hope all goes well.

  3. sunshine8957

    sunshine8957 New Member

    You and I both know that there are no limits that an alcoholic, gamblering or even a drug addict won't go through to get money and fall right back into the same drudge as before. No one knows if this last round of rehab helped him or not. (IS THERE ANY WAY YOU CAN GET YOUR SON TO GIVE THEM PERMISSION FOR YOU TO DISCUSS HIS CASE WITH YOU?) If he refuses, my gut says it didn't go too well. If he agrees, this time may really be the time that he wants to really clean up and stay that way.

    I would, like you said, get rid of all the alcohol in the house and I'd lock of any medicines you and/or hubby are on.

    I think talking with him about his "future plans" is a super idea! I would make it clear that your home will only be a short term stepping stone - NOT LONG TERM. He needs to join AA and Gamblers Anonymous. You and your
    hubby may want to join as well to show your clear support for his efforts.

    You and your hubby have to set the rules for his living in your house (and no, I don't think your son is going to like it, but it's necessary!) DO NOT LEND HIM MONEY - YOU ALREADY KNOW HIS STAND ON THAT - HE HAS NO REGARD FOR FEELING THE NEED TO PAY YOU BACK. IF YOU LEND IT AGAIN, CONSIDER IT A GIFT - PERIOD.

    I would give him a deadline to get him back on his feet again, a job, an apartment, etc. and make good on your word on it - otherwise you will on serve as an enabler to him and he'll never change.

    I wish there were easier answers, but I've had enough experience working with alcoholics and drug addicts and know just enough about gambers to know you've got to SLAM YOUR FEET DOWN AND NOT ALLOW HIM TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU AND YOU HUBBY AGAIN!

    You may want to take him to a Shrink to find out if he is a person suffering from depression - if so, he may need to be on an antidepressant. Antidepressants do not give a person a "high" all they do is stabilize the chemisty (the mood imbalance) in line to what the normal chemistry should be. But I'm sure you already know, that there are side effects with any medicine, so talk with his doctor about your concerns.

    Good luck. I'll be praying for you all. Have a peaceful holiday season.

  4. evie9513

    evie9513 New Member

    Couldnt make it without it.
    Keeps us from 'loving' our loved ones to death......literally.
    He understands he has three choices, locked up, covered up or sobered up. That is just how it is.
    I have a daughter who is an addict and I know the pain.
    I now find piece in knowing I didnt cause it, I cannot control and I cannot cure it.
    It is their disease.
    Easier said than done.
    You will find peace in knowing you love him and the strength to utilize tuff love.
    If he doesnt keep being rescued and tires of his situation, he will make a choice.
    We cant make it for them.
    Some folks bottoms are much deeper than others, even what we think is bottom.
    Yeah, its a good idea.
    But you cannot force him to go to AA. He might be nudged by a judge but still........until he is ready to live with different choices it wont work.
    AA doesnt get them teaches them how to LIVE sober.
  5. dononagin

    dononagin New Member

    principles of AA are practiced in Gambler's anonomous.. It is basically just another addiction. Yes.. to AA.. Yes to Alanon.. I think the statistics out there are something like 2% of alcoholics and addicts stay clean.. I live with a guy who has been clean and sober for nearly 9 years.. If he wants sobriety bad enough he can do it. But definatly get some support for you and your hubby.. It may make the difference in you lending your support or enabling him. Good luck to you!!
  6. JimCoyote1942

    JimCoyote1942 New Member

    I have been sober for 10 years after 25 years of alcoholism. I owe this to AA and counseling plus anti-depressant medication. Anti-depressants are not addictive but some tranquilizers are. I would recommend attendance of your son at as many AA meetings as possible and most definitely you and your husband need AlAnon. They helped greatly with my family.
  7. MamaR

    MamaR New Member

    I have been gone all day...I come on here to see your post!

    It was only YESTERDAY that YOU were encouraging ME about my son! Oh what pain... for us trying to decide the right path to take with those we love!

    Your son is only two years older than mine! It sounds like your past road has been alot like mine. The money trail extending so far back....where did it go...the worry, pain, discouragement! Well, we have to be strong for sure. I'm certainly here for you and I DO CARE!!!

    I know that you are so relieved that he is alright, and also THANKFUL that he saw the need for rehab!! That is so positive!! PRAISE GOD !!

    I know this much...he needs to keep up the counseling for sure! And if I were you...I would set rules (for your home) in the very beginning and stick to them!
    I have been through this before with my son...but he didn't live with me. But, I know that it is harder when they are in your home.

    I would do everything possible to let him know that he is loved...but don't take steps back! That is what I would do...if mine would go for help!

    I know that everyone encorages ALANON, AA...any counceling that will work.

    About the depression...well... I think it is up to the individual...and where they are with it. PLEASE do watch him about that... and seek help for him if he was to be depressed! My son at one time overdosed when his wife left him. I just happened to go over to his house. I called 911. He went in for short period...but they WOULDN"T keep him...said that he was alright.
    All I know is that he is still drinking and has lost almost everything...including his marriage. I hope that he soon reaches the point like your son and seeks help...FIRST STEP!!

    Just do the best that you can... and we are here to do anything we can. I wish that I could help more. I know I'm not much help...but I TRULY, TRULY can say that I know how you feel!!!

    With love and prayers....MamaR

  8. km

    km New Member

    hi there,sry to hear the news about your son but glad to know he went to get help!!!
    i have had/have these same problems.
    aa is a wonderful program so is alanon!!! i suggest you all go to the groups needed and to go regulary,read the big book,work the steps,be very honest with yourselfs.
    never never give up.WE CAN'T GOD CAN!!!!!!!!!!!!
    i have been clean and sober 4 quite a while;my soberity is maintained by working the aa program and trying to maintain a fit spiritual self;all with the help of GOD AND OTHERS!!
  9. pirtpain

    pirtpain New Member

    Thanks to all of you for your support!! I appreciate it so much. I will definitely suggest AA for my son and my hubby and I will look into ALNON. I will let you all know how things go.

  10. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    now that you will have your son back are you going to stay in san jose for the holidays? try to keep it low key and there is usually an aa meeting going on during christmas and new years eve...i had a friend that did that one year ago...and he did quit drinking and he stayed on his meds for bipolar....

    he looke so good and so calm and at peace with himself i hope he still is ....

    anyways how did your son earn a living in reno? is he still finding himself or did he get an education to do something with himself?

    i will throw this out to in san jose the have the pipefitter and plumber school that is union local 393....girl he could make some good money and the benefits are good....they have a five year apprenticeship program, school every tues and thursday night for a couple hours....and they have a full-time job through the union. they have a website to check i do have a pay scale of what they start out at like something like 19.00 hr plus all the benefits....just a suggestion if he doesn't already have soemthing going on in his life...he can call and will have to go pick up applications and will have to take some testing to get selected...

    but he could do soemthing like that just throwing it out there.

    i wish you all a peaceful and loving time together i am happy you get to see your son....maybe some day we can meet down in san jose and talk about our sons and life...

    best wishes and hope to hear from you.

  11. zerped

    zerped New Member

    "Of what value are the greatest vows of amendment, if it is the same old lawbreaker that is to keep them?"--Ralph Waldo Emerson

    A big ME TOO on the AA/Al-Anon stuff; different people will experience these differently, but there's a great life out there for anyone who truly wants it. In my two years in the treatment business (and 16 years sober), I've had lots of loved ones of clients ask me about their loved one's chances of success. All I can say is that if they're ready and will do whatever it takes, they've got a chance. If they're not completely convinced that their way doesn't work any more, then they may need to go out and do more "research."

    Make sure you don't put off Al-Anon. No matter how much you love your child, it's not a parent's job to help them kill themself. Be strong and at peace with yourself, and you'll have something to offer others. Learn "The Serenity Prayer'; it will be your best friend in the months ahead.
  12. pirtpain

    pirtpain New Member

    I want to thank all of you for you input. IMy son arrived today and he looks great! I feel like a fool because I misinterpreted the his whole situation. My son is a bartender. He said that he was getting hooked on playing

    those poker machines at the bar when he got off work and would have a drink while he played. He said that it got to the point that he would come in early and start playing before his shift began. So I asked him if he started

    drinking before work and he said no. So I was confused, so I told him so and asked if he felt that he was drinking too much and he said that he was more concerned with the gambling because he noticed that the 2 things went hand & hand and he didn't want to develop a habit.

    He was telling a friend of his about his concern & he mentioned a support group that discusses various problems they may have etc., so he decided to go. He weent for about 3 weeks and said it was great to talk things out with others. I asked what he felt he learned from this group

    and he said he realized that he shouldn't be living in Reno, that it would be too easy to get carried away and form serious habits. He said that he wants to move back to Sacramento, but we have not discussed a plan. His

    brother is a Regional Manager of a Staffing Firm there and told him he would find him a job. The problem is that he doesn't have a decent automobile & has no $. My husband & I are not going down that road again with him. I don't

    mind him staying here & getting a job to save $$ up for a car & to set himself up with a place to live but we will not give him any more $. I am SO RELIEVED that there is not a huge problem to deal with like I thought there would be,

    but I must admit I am alittle stressed over this whole thing. Well, thanks to you all for everything and I will keep you posted on where we go from here.

  13. MamaR

    MamaR New Member

    I was happy to see this message of yours....and I feel positive for you and your son!

    It sounds like your son was thinking about himself and saw that he was headed into trouble and took charge of it! That is GOOD news...and we will be praying that he continues this path!!

    He is so blessed to have you.....I sure hope that he remembers this.

    God Bless...MamaR
  14. silky17

    silky17 New Member

    I watched a show on Oprah Winfrey about a man who was only 23, who literally seemed to have tried every drug known to man, and he was also an alcoholic. This book tells you of his journey through drug addiction, alcoholism, and going through the stages to become clean. Such as AA, Alonon etc. Oprah recommended this book highly. (it was one of her book club reads.) Forwarning though, he uses very raw words. This is because he tells you his story through his eyes. He is clean and sober and has made a mark in this world even though he thought he was on his way out.

    The book is called........ A Million Little Pieces
    author: James Frey

    "Anyone who has ever felt broken and wished for a better life will find inspiration in Frey's story." - People

    I recommend this to anyone who has been through or has a loved one who has lost their way. I know I lost my brother whom had damages to his heart from a meth addiction. This drug is literally wasting away our world.

    Good luck to you!

    [This Message was Edited on 12/16/2005]
    [This Message was Edited on 12/16/2005]
  15. puppyfreak

    puppyfreak New Member

    The primary thing you need to do is take care of yourself! Go to Al-anon or anywhere else you can find support in dealing with your son.
    No matter what he says, he's still only an arms length away from a drink. It sounds like he's trying to stay sober and not gamble, but he's manipulated you in the past due to his addictions and that behavior is difficult to change.
    And it's up to HIM to change it! I have 3 grown children and I know how hard it is to watch them make mistakes that I feel like I could help them to avoid. But I have to keep my mouth [AND bank account!] closed and let them go through their own learning processes.
    I hope you have a joyful AND peaceful holiday!


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