Need help

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by patpeydad, Oct 28, 2005.

  1. patpeydad

    patpeydad New Member

    My wife just found out she has this. I'm afraid that part of it came from stress igniting the dormant mono strain in her liver from 20 years ago. (She's 40 and we have two kids under 10). Stress not from our relationship; it's been strong always. We've been through some really bad luck and attacks in the ministry and then my job now has me working evenings and she raises the kids, basically as a single mom because of my hours. This is going to be a challenge for her and I feel helpless, also scared, knowing from reading here how it changes personalities to where they don't care. And I know that's not her...she's always been vibrant and a great mother. I'm trying to get back in the ministry just to have a mostly day job and more family time, but that's not working out. What can I do for her, facing this future? What I'm trying to adjust in terms of family life isn't off to a good start. I want to be there for her and the kids.
  2. squirtpepper

    squirtpepper New Member

    You sound like a wonderful husband. I am blessed with such a husband also. I have had CFIDS and Fibro for years now, and can no longer work. I thank God though, that my husband is supportive of me. To me, that is the most important thing he can do to help me -- he doesn't complain about my inability to join him in activities, he finds things we can do together. We watch a lot of videos, play scrabble, etc. He doesn't complain about my not being able to work and that is a major stressor I don't have to deal with. He is loving and supportive and just pitches in and helps around the house. Because of his attitude I am relieved of major stresses that would cause flares.

    I know it is a big adjustment, but just remember to rely on God to help you and be there for her as much as you can. Remember with God all things are possible.

  3. elsa

    elsa New Member

    You have no idea what just coming here and asking questions will do for your wife. You are a wonderful man.

    I too am blessed with a "wonderful man" ... Without a doubt, I know in my soul that my husband (warts and all) is God's greatest gift to me. He has searched and asked and inquired all throughout just as you are doing. Both of you are blesings.

    Has your wife joined our community here? I am in early remission after two years treatment with full remission right around the corner.

    Virtually all the steps of my treatment plan came from the generous sharing of information our wonderful members have made available.

    I did want to respond to your mention of "changing personalities so they don't care". That is not a symptom of CFS/FM and is not a guarnteed outcome of the illness(es), but a place where some of our members have found themselves to be in regardless.

    I also responded to that post. I am not polyanna in my thinking but I have considered this a great deal. My zest and zeal for living life is still very much present. I took those qualities of my personality and focused them on research and deciding on a treatment plan that suited me.

    I laugh often and daily. I have bad days, but they are shorter in number and duration. When I was diagnosed, I was THANKFUL ... if you could possibly believe that.

    Yes, this is an insidious monster of an illness ... but it is not going to kill me ... Oh thank God! Been there once already and came out on the back side of it whole and alive! This illness, as gut wrenching as it is, does not compare with a possible life ending diagnosis.

    I don't want to get too religious here, but I do believe in "all things happen for a reason" and that "God has a plan for me". After much reflection, I actually like myself better now then prior to this illness.

    I am proud of my accomplishments in researching/organizing a plan of action for my treatments. My husband and I have grown closer as partners against this. With my early remission "status" I am walking a little taller in that I have the upper hand against CFS/FM.

    I also know this illness is not ever going away. Remission can slip back into active status. Times can get tough and life with it's challenges can create flares of my illness.

    I have tried to form plans of action in the event of the above things occurring. It gives my husband and I a sense of control over CFS/FM.

    I certainly addressed that personality thing didn't I ?!? LOL Guess you can tell I feel strongly on the subject. I couldn't be farther from "not caring" or being an "empty shell" as one can get and yet I am still very realistic about what having CFS/FM means.

    If you have more specific questions on your wife's treatment or quality of life rx'es, etc please don't hesitate to ask. I'll keep you and your wife in my thoughts and it was nice to "meet" you.

    Take care,

  4. kaiasmom

    kaiasmom New Member

    This site is full of information and support. I have fms & also have 2 kids under the age of 10 (8 year old girl & 7 year old boy). It is very challenging. I guess I am lucky enough to still be able to work - there is no other option for me as I bring in most of our income.

    One thing you do both have going for you is your love for each other. I am also blessed with a wonderful man in my life...we aren't married yet, but will be in April. The best things he has done for me are simple really. He is very considerate of how I feel, and never makes me feel guilty if I am unable to help out with the housework, or if I just need to stay in bed all day on the weekend. He always gets up early with the kids on the weekends so I can sleep in (always been a guilty pleasure of mine).

    Since you work evenings, maybe you could try to get things organized for the evening when you're gone and she is alone with the kids. I don't know how involved you are in the housework - I am lucky that my fiance was a single dad before I met him, so we were both used to doing it all. You could get dinner started, straighten up the house, make sure everyone has clean clothes, etc. Whatever you can do to help lighten her load.

    Another important aspect is helping the kids understand that mommy has a sickness that makes her hurt, tired, and just feel bad, and the whole family needs to pitch in to help. It is really hard - and my daugher worries about me a lot which breaks my heart. Obviously it is also very important that they understand that this sickness isn't going to take her away from you all.

    I know the personality issue has been addressed, but I would like to add that while it can be depressing to feel so bad all the time, life must carry on. I don't want my house to be sad & mopey all the time, and if that's how I was, it would be. It sounds to me as if your wife is a wonderful woman. I believe that with the proper support, medical care and love that anyone can overcome whatever they have to deal with. We ARE lucky - this is not something that will kill us. It is up to us to choose to be positive & look forward to the future. Especially with the kids - and it is really hard sometimes. But, you know doing the right thing is not usually easy, but always worth it.

    Well, I've rambled enough. Good luck & please encourage your wife to join us on this board. We would love to have her.

    Take care,
  5. NyroFan

    NyroFan New Member

    Just by understanding and being supportive is a huge help.
    Also, picking up some of the slack of her 'job' will do wonders. It might put extra stress and hours on you, but as a ministery might suggest: through 'sickness and health'.
    It was not her fault. Just love her.
  6. Pianowoman

    Pianowoman New Member

    You two obviously have a great relationship and I admire you for reaching out here. Your wife is very fortunate.
    She will need your support and understanding to get through this.
    The good news is that if she gets treatment early in the illness, the research shows that she is much more likely to gain back much of her health. I would suggest educating yourself as much as you can, that will be a big help to her. There is a very helpfullibrary on this site as well.
    You've had good advice from others with strong relationships.
    Keep reading and asking questions here and elsewhere.

    Take Care.
  7. XKathiX

    XKathiX New Member

    You sound so very sincere which means your wife probably already knows that you will be supportive.

    If I was in a relationship and my partner asked what it was I needed, I would probably say:

    1. Let me complain if I need too but when I do don't try to fix it.

    2. Let me cry on your shoulder and just hold me when I ask and even when I don't.

    3. Understand that some days I may not be myself - personality wise - due to the pain, so don't take it personally.

    4. Get support yourself from someone else, because you will need someone to dump on so that you don't begin to resent me.

    5. And last, if I ask for your honest opinion on something - please give that.

    Wishing you and your family well -

  8. patpeydad

    patpeydad New Member

    Thanks for the advice. Really, the stress she has endured in the past five years has been because of our ministry experiences and my having a hard time getting over that and how it has put our lives on house. We live in a three BR apartment, the kids are too old to share a room. I'm fearful of what a one-income family could do by getting a house now....I'd have to work until I'm 76 to pay it off and while I make decent money, it's only decent for this area. If I made this in a big city, I'd be hurting big time. All this spills over to her inevitably. It's still issues we have to solve. Maybe I'm too dumb to know the answers. But thanks to all.

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