Need opinions............

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by doxygirl, Oct 4, 2007.

  1. doxygirl

    doxygirl New Member

    My middle son ( who is now 20 ) is autistic.....he has high functioning type...so he can talk and comprehend, but has a deficit when it comes to to social and emotional abilities....his are that of about a 10 year old child..........

    to this day he has kept in contact with one friend only "yes" my son has only one friend!

    Mostly I keep him company taking him everywhere I go....or sometimes he is with one of his brothers ( I have 2 other sons ).....

    Here is my dilemna....the friend that he has also has some kind of deficit although no one has ever told me specifically what it is...but to give you a picture he recently turned 21 and on his birthday he was here in my sons room playing video games I don't know about anyone else but on my 21 Bd I couldn't wait to go out an celebrate )

    Since grade school he has spend countless weekends at our home ....eating and sleeping here.......and this habit has continued into his now adulthood........he does not have a license or care to get one...so obviously has no car.....he has no job and wants to sit in my home every day and play games with my son.

    For the last several months he was just coming over and staying here...never going home....he would spend the night and stay up all night playing video games and then would be asleep on my couch in the morning when I got up ......and I felt uncomfortable in my own house because he was sleeping in my living room during the day....

    I was getting so frustrated and finally he asked my son if he could move in and rent a room from us and so we told my son if he wanted to pay 300 a month and contribute to food costs as well that he could move in......but he also had to have a job.............

    I do not see how he can pay his rent and food if he has no income.....but he said he would get a job...........well he still has no job and he told my son he found a place to rent a room cheaper and did not have to chip in for food so I said well that is great...because honestly I really do not want another person living here we already have both of my sons and the other son has a girlfriend that is always here too ......

    Iam not feeling well and then have people here all the time.....I want some quiet time and som serenity in my life and with everyone here I get little to none........


    I do not want to upset my autistic son or take away the only friend he has but once again he is starting to be here non stop and Iam tired of it.......we told my son no more spending the night and the other night he spent the night again ...and he is here almost everyday......

    I do not want him here everyday.....but he just comes over......it makes me so upset that he is 21 and does not even try to find a job or get a life......I want my son to have a friend in him but not all the time everyday......

    does this sound like Iam unreasonable....because I do not want to be mean or hurt anybody......and if I can do something to help someone else I always want to ...but I do think that there has to be some responsibility on the other person part ( like working and trying )......

    I need some feed back on how to handle this and what it sounds like to you all

    Thank you
    Doxy

  2. Doober

    Doober New Member

    Can I ask a question? If your son's friend has some kind of deficit, Where are his parents or caretakers?? He is out of his home environment for such a long time, no one calls to check on him or see where he has been since he has not come home? I know the desire to make sure our kids have the independence they need, but at the same time someone must be concerned?

    Also, as sad as it would be, I hope that he is not being mis-treated where ever he "lives" now and your home is a safe haven to him? If you know the phone number or where he lives now, I would call or visit have an excuse as he may have left something at your house? Without asking questions or give the impression you are prying, just casually mention in a fun way "Jeez, he's a good boy, but he spends so much time here." Gauge the reaction to sort of "Feel" out who ever you speak to.

    This could maybe give you and idea if he has problems at home. I understand the social aspect of folks not getting involved in other's issue. But a simple phone call or visit could explain a lot to you and maybe help him?????
  3. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    only the drama of a gf....but we don't have sleep overs. i stopped the sleep overs w/his junior high friends when i realized one kids dad had 3 40th b-days in one year or less.

    cody was never allowed to spend the night at that kids house...so i was having his kid over after school everyday plus feeding him etc..

    then the final straw came when cody was a freshman in h.s. and cody made plans w/his gf's family a dinner to meet all of her family...i told the dad cody was grounded...to get him out of the obligation...the father is bipolar, he cussed at me etc...

    i felt cody was too old for friends sleeping over....then to be cussed at by a selfish man that made plans to be in lake tahoe 4 hours or so away w/o telling me...

    then one day i had those particular group of kids running in my house hiding out from the police...cody was at home, not included in the deed....

    i told them to get out of my house and go hide at their parents home i didn't need the stress of them knocking at my door...

    so don't feel bad. he is 21 years old...if he is disabled he could file for ssi/welfare until he gets it. not your responsibility...

    you need your peace and quiet...hard to do that feeling uncomfortable in your own home....and if you get migraines like i do on occasions...who needs to listen to extra b.s.

    there's a point of being nice then there is a point of being taken advantage of.

    so tell the 21 year he must call first and speak w/you since you are paying the bills or owner..however you want to phrase it....and he must come at a certain time and leave at a certain time...

    and doxy tell him couches are not made to bed a and it is ruining your coach and can not afford to replace it.

    jodie
  4. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    I read your post when you first put it up, but my computer wouldn't let me respond.

    I have the same questions as Doober. Does the young man have an income? Are there parents in the picture? Is anyone else responsible for him?

    As Jodi says, you are not responsible for him. Another point: he probably wants to keep the friendship w/ your son and will not disappear if some rules are established.


    Rock
  5. doxygirl

    doxygirl New Member

    A few of you have asked me about this guy and his family....well his mom has mental problems and has never seemed to care about where he was ever!

    My son in 14 years of knowing this kid has never ever been invited to his home (m which I would NOT let him go anyway )but to just give you an idea his mom is crazy.

    His grandfather is very old but lives within a few blocks of our house..he hates it at his grandfathers because it is boring there so he comes here....

    He has held a job for about a year but quit when he got bored with it and it was working at a movie theater.....I do not know if he qualifies for SS or not but I do not at this point in my life have the capability or energy to do what his family can and should be doing....plus I do not have any legal rights and Iam sure SS would let me know that right away!

    I do not mean to sound mean or like I don't care because I do...it is just that my husband and I are struggling with our own finances and we really cannot afford to take care of another ADULT that is perfectly capapble of doing some kind of work.

    I personally think a lot of the reason he comes here is because he gets free food, play video games all day and night and has no responsibilities or a care in the world and then I end up feeling responsible for him.....

    and I do not want or need any more responsibilities with being so sick and not feeling well so much.

    Thank you all for your reassurance........I did want to add that I did set some limits with "MY" autistic son and told him he must see that he respects them as well as his friend.......

    My son is very compliant and respectful so Iam feeling sure that things wlll be more under control.

    Hugs for your thoughts and support
    Doxy
  6. joyfully

    joyfully New Member

    You are not being unreasonable at all. If anything, I think you are feeling as if you have no control over what is happening.

    You have enough on your plate already without taking on some one else's responsibility.

    Enough is enough.