Need Prayers, please.

Discussion in 'Spirituality/Worship' started by windblade, Jun 27, 2009.

  1. windblade

    windblade Active Member

    I'm in a very confused state of shock now.

    I just found out 2 hours ago that my mother died. She died in April - she was living by my older brother in a nursing home. I didn't find out until just now!

    I come from an extremely abusive family - my mother was the main abuser - mentally ill and sadistic.

    I've been praying for her for so long and know that she had a real, living faith.

    I had to cut off from my family 7 years ago. My father and brothers too. I had 5 professionals tell me this - therapists, psychiatrist, and spiritual advisors. That it was a matter of my survival, and yes, that has been true.

    I don't know what to do. My husband is here, thank God!

    But there is no funeral - or no family to grieve with.

    Please pray for me. I'm not in good shape right now.

    [This Message was Edited on 06/27/2009]
    [This Message was Edited on 07/17/2009]
  2. springwater

    springwater Well-Known Member

    You don’t HAVE to feel obligated to feel something! I know she was born as your mother. But don’t you seriously seriously think it would have been better if you hadn’t HAD a mother rather than one who effected your entire life and subjected you to something that would cause PTSD? What sort of mom is that? Or brother or father?

    I know that if something happened to my brothers I would feel momentary shock but grief?. I don’t know. I mean, what is there to grieve? That a lifetime of abuse and getting taken advantage of for me came to an end? That their own demons and mal adaptation to this world came to an end?

    When I think of my own mum and dad now, I am actually relieved they are out of this world. They were not well adjusted, they were misfits and they had issues which made more time spent in unhappiness than happiness. So why should I be sad?

    My own religion tells me their difficult times in this lifetime must have made them burn up their bad karma and the next round would be easier. Possibly they have learnt some lessons.

    Your religion will tell you Jesus died for their sins and thus they are in a better place now.

    You must be grieving the loss of a wasted have a sweet good relationship which is normally that of a mother daughter. You must be feeling sad thinking of her lying there in the nursing home. But look what she did to you? Did her actions warrant love and caring from yourself? You did what not many human beings would do in such a situation. You prayed. Prayed for someone who drove you to cut ties with her. You did the right thing. By removing yourself from further abuse. I only wish it had been sooner.
    If she was mentally ill and sadistic, then she could not have been happy. She would cause suffering no matter to who it was. And that would in itself garner more bad fruit. Now she is beyond causing hurt to others and that way, to herself. I don’t understand how she could have had a real living faith; if she caused so much hurt; its not possible. Because Jesus never said to hurt your own daughter like this.

    Please just know birth and death are a normal cycle. Everyone goes thru it. So is sadness and joy.

    I hope you will soon come to accept this event and see it for what it is. A natural cycle.
    Take comfort in the husband and friends who love you and know that is what matters. Let go of your mother and the past; a higher power is in charge now. I know you will keep praying for her.

    God Bless
  3. Sweetpotatoe

    Sweetpotatoe New Member

    Judy, I'm so sorry to hear the news you have recieved.

    I know you must be feeling such a mixture of feelings right now, emotional pain, heartache and that bond you had even though you were never treated right, is still an incredible loss.

    I'm so sorry, I am going for a walk amongst nature, I am going to pray for you, be good to yourself today, I'm so sorry you didn't have a good family life.........those that do have no idea how blessed they are.

    God Bless you Judy, hold onto God.

    Love Cindy.
  4. jole

    jole Member

    I don't have any words of wisdom....just want you to know I care. You are a wonderful person, and please don't let your mother continue to reach you in a negative way now that she is gone. All of it was out of your control and not of your doing, your not knowing was your brother's doing. You can feel whatever you need to feel...there is no right or wrong...and know I'll keep you in my, Jole
  5. Doznclan3

    Doznclan3 New Member

    I'm sorry. For your loss, and yes, I believe it is a loss for you. She was your mother. I, like you and Rain, also had a bad past with my mother, and stepdad. When my mother left him, it was her, and five of us kids. She just didn't know how to show her love. She was very harsh and demanding with us. All but one, yes, she had a favorite. There was no doubt. I was always good to my mom. I tried hard to get the love from her that I craved so badly. As the years went by, she calmed down a bit, although, she would still have her negative comments about me, my physical appearance, my way of doing things. It seemed nothing I did was right.
    I finally let it out when I reached my 30's. Can you believe it? I waited that long. She said she didn't realize she was being that way. I almost believed that, maybe I wanted to. Near the end of her life, she actually became more loving, in her way. I even got a hug once in a while! She couldn't help herself though, those negative comments still came once in a while. All I can say is, she was my mother. My belief is that we respect our Parents. Hmm, a hard one for me. I really like what Rain said about the healing part. Forgiving is such a great healing for ourselves..within. How can we love, at all, if we are harboring a dislike, or even a hate towards someone? We need to let go of the hurt, in whatever way is best for you. You will find that, I'm sure. You are such a loving person. I feel that very much so. Pray to find out how you can come to a final goodbye to her. Since Rain mentioned writing a letter, I do believe I will do that myself, and it's been three years since my mom has passed. And guess what? I miss her. My situation is different than yours by far. I was seeing her at least a couple of times a month. God Bless You! I will be praying that you can figure out the best way to get through this.
    Love, Cynthia
  6. TwoCatDoctors

    TwoCatDoctors New Member

    I wanted to reach out and offer you a hand of love and help. I'm sitting in much the same situation as you and when my Mom dies (she's 86 now), there will be no funeral as she has gifted her body to some research center (instead of being cremated as she always wanted), and I will probably not be told when she dies. Mom was so abusive during my childhood that my brain shoved it away and blocked it until Mom became so physically and emotionally abusive a few years ago (in my 50s) when I became mobility disabled. In therapy my flashbacks started of her beating me as a child and then the memories came rolling back. I couldn't believe that I had taken in this abusive woman to live with me that had beat me so badly as a child--now she was horribly abusing me when mobility disabled--if only my brain had let me know before I had her come to live with me.

    My mother was court ordered to stay away from me because she was physically abusing and hurting me and emotionally abusing me after I became disabled a few years ago and the State Adult Protective Services (APS) and other agencies were here and she began punching me in front of the APS. The agencies also worked to get her out of my home. I can't turn back time and forget it.

    In talking to a therapist about all this, he said there has been a mental illness that my Mom had from my childhood on up. I remember all the crazy things with Mom and just took them for granted, but I can't forget them. I have forgiven her because it is mental illness and she clearly at one point knew she had something wrong with her mentally and talked to my adult son but refused to get any evaluation and treatment--I do fault her for that because her mental illness was taken out mostly on me.

    When my mother passes, and like you with your mother passing, I hope to look at it like my mother will finally be at peace with everything and everyone. When she passes, I will not dwell on the bad times when her mental health made her do bad things. Instead I will try to remember some good times and even some times when we really laughed and try very hard to make them my future memories of my mother. Judy, many many hugs and prayers for this rough time you are going through.
  7. daylight

    daylight New Member

    I now what its like to live with an abuse parent but for them not to let you know that your mother had passed away is horrible. I'll be praying for God to pour out His loving comfort and peace on you and your family . And that the ones in your family that hurt you would see the pain that they have caused and that the Lord would reveal to them His love.
  8. windblade

    windblade Active Member

    Spring, Rain, Cindy, Jole, Cynthia, Two Cats, and Daylight,

    I so much appreciate your prayers, and your stories that you shared, and all the caring and support.

    I wish there was a book or some guidance on how to grieve, when you're dealing with the complexity of an abusive family.

    My mother has shaped my whole life. I have fought back, and tried to protect my younger brother, so he wouldn't have to be the target like I was - and my older brother was.

    My thoughts and feelings are zig-zagging all over the place, and I'm going from numb to terrified, to angry.

    Mostly I feel so burdened - in just having to process so many feelings. I have spent my whole adult life doing that - just to survive.

    I feel sick at the tragedy of my entire family.

    Isolated with one more abnormal thing to deal with.

    Thankful that I have friends, and a husband who loves me.

    I just wrote details about my life, but had to delete them right away. Too horrific.

    Please keep praying for me - I am so deeply weary.

    Thank you for being such caring, faithful friends!

    Love, Judy

    [This Message was Edited on 06/29/2009]
  9. windblade

    windblade Active Member

    I re-read again all of your stories that you shared. That sharing is so precious to me! This post has been a rope to hold onto. A connection with others who understand - who have lived similar enough lives to have the empathy, and compassion, and righteous anger that you have.
  10. springwater

    springwater Well-Known Member

    What a relief to hear from you again...i have been thinking of you.

    I am thinking the intensity of shock and the resultant feelings you are having is a result of all those memories flooding back....memories you are trying to push back/stare down.

    I remember Oprah Winfrey when she was talking on her show about her own abuse (sexual) at the hands of her uncle, how she had to 'stare it down' come to terms with it. To acknowledge that it happened, that it happens not just to her, but others...and know that she had moved on and to put it behind her. It was the galvanizing force behind her movement to push the bill for child molesters names to be published and people in the neighbourhood warned if any such person moved anywhere. I guess anyh otehr kind of abuse also would have to be face, acknowledged and then stared down.

    Although you are going through all these bewildering feelings, i will tell you, time heals. Well, I suppose it will take longer for you because of the extremities of what you suffered..but i think time has a way of healing most least partially. What a blessing that you got out of that situation..what a blessing that you met your husband...and what a blessing your faith is. It will help you come thru this also. Life is chapters. One chapter is closed. Need you feel like it, please keep coming here and keep us informed as to how you are getting along.

    God Bless

  11. Debra49659

    Debra49659 New Member

    I am so very sorry about your loss. No matter what degree of closeness you have with your family, A loss of a parent is very hard.

    I will pray for you windblade, asking for the strength to deal with this loss and also to help you come to terms with your family dynamics.

    Hugs windblade, please take care.

  12. windblade

    windblade Active Member

    Deb and E., thank you so much for your prayers, and caring words! Your prayers are definitely helping me through.

    And E., I know we've had similar struggles in some ways. And trying to work out how to deal with remaining family - that's what I've been trying to do. It is so, so hard!

    Spring - I didn't know that Oprah was responsible for what you described. She certainly protected and saved other children from being abused. Thank God for that!

    Love, Judy

  13. jole

    jole Member

    Isn't it amazing how so many...most, actually...on this board have gone through major abusive situations. Mine with a father that was very physically and mentally the point of breaking ribs, nose, etc. of my one brother...and more...we were cursed constantly and told how stupid we were and that we shouldn't be alive. And with a mother we adored, who was beaten to the point of being so submissive she didn't even hold up for her kids.

    When my father died, I felt sadness, pain, or even joy. But months later it hit, and the guilt set in. It took me years to come to the realization that nothing that happened was my fault and I couldn't change any of it...he would have to answer, not me. I decided to dwell on the good I had seen in him (and oh, how hard that was to remember any), which was the hardest part of all.

    Then, after my mother died (and even before) greed set in, and one sister and brother tried to take advantage of the situation at hand, nearly draining my mother dry. The other three of us have cut all ties with them. I questioned our decision almost daily, and felt like I was going against God's will. But they were users and takers,...not givers and helpers...and after several years I learned we had made the right decision.

    Nothing happens overnight...the feelings don't change quickly...but they do change over time, and some understanding sets in. Never put yourself did not cause any of this!!! That is the most important thing for you to remember!

    I will pray that you are given the loving shoulder of Christ to lean on, his arms to comfort you, and his wisdom to help you understand and accept. Just remember to breathe often and deep...and know that we are here, and will always listen! We do understand!!

    Love to you, Judy! Jole
    [This Message was Edited on 06/29/2009]
  14. vivian53

    vivian53 Member

    I am sorry to hear of your loss. I understand that you have such mixed and confused feelings. I'm glad that you took the steps you needed to to protect yourself and your younger brother.

    It is sad that your mother wasn't able to appreciate you for the beautiful gift you are.

    The loving people here on this board have shared so much of themselves. I knoe their words will help give you comfort.

    I will pray for you to get the peace you seek and want you to know that it will get better.

    big hugs to you Judy,
  15. Sweetpotatoe

    Sweetpotatoe New Member

    I have been thinking of you too, wondering how you are going. From my experience it takes time to digest and sort out all the emotions and memories. I hope and pray for a quickening of the process for you, its so painful, I know.

    To suffer and be abused and neglected at the hands of those closest to us is almost too hard for the mind to comprehend.

    I'm thanking God that you have a loving husband, praise be to God for him, it makes all the difference to have someone who has your back, that unconditional love of another, although it doesn't take away any hurt, I'm so glad you have support while you come to terms with whats happened to you.

    God is in control, lean not on your own understanding.

    I hope today is a better day, its early morning here the sun has not come up yet, its cold because we are in the middle of winter! I'm trying to get back to my faith and just be thankful for today!

    Love and prayers Judy.

    You are a child of God, he has seen everything, He's all knowing, He has seen all the pain, all the tears, Jesus knows our suffering, we have hope I know we do.

    Love Cindy.
  16. momof27

    momof27 New Member

    Give it all to Jesus and he will turn your sorrow into joy.
  17. springwater

    springwater Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry to know from the latest prayer post that you are going through a rougher than usual time now.

    I know you have been going thru therapy for your PTSD. Even in all the heaings i have tried, yoga cleansing, breathing, etc it is always told that the therapy will unclog all the stuck emotions of years and when these emotions rush up and swamp the body when trying to find an outlet..they will cause you to feel momentarily worse....this has been my experience. But the thing is to keep ones eye on the end result...getting/feeling better.

    now i know you have been suffering for years and years and that there must be just SO much for your body / mind to flush out....perhaps this is what is happening.

    Please keep the faith and know you are in our thoughts and prayers always...

    I myself have been similarly slipping backwards here and there with the stressful situations i find myself put into because of siblings etc...of course, the ongoing chronic depression and the way i have to work around that while going about my life, adds to the struggle but have been able to keep from getting knocked out completely so far. (Touch wood). l almost had a couple of panic attacks at night...but have learnt to control that by getting up, walking around, breathing slowly....

    And today, i woke at 6:30am, did some usual morning stuff, fixing breakfast, ironing, folding etc and now at 10:00am can hardly keep my eyes open, I am so sleepy. Tired grumpy sleepy. Not tired healthy sleepy.

    Well, i am just going to give in to this feeling, shall have a cup of tea and have my sleep and hope that will take care of the lethargy and unwillingness to face the world. I am planning to go out, i think staying in makes me worse...maybe a bookstore..just to browse..have a bite out and come back. Really need to straighten out some rooms and dust...but one needs energy for that, right?

    You give yourself some tender loving one deserves it more..

    God Bless
  18. soulight

    soulight New Member

    Please know that I have been praying for you . I am so sorry that I didn't express this sooner on this thread. I keep reading through it again and again and pray while I do , but it was thoughtless of me to not put the prayers down here. After all , you can't read my mind!

    Dear Lord , Please watch over our very precious and very loved Judy as she goes through these trials. Having a parent that is in no way nurturing is so devastating. Lord , please be Judy's Mom and Dad . Please let her know that Peace and Love that in not conditional . That Agape Love that is so cleansing and refreshing and so pure.

    Your Love truly can cover all of our hurts and memories . You can empower us to be who You meant us to be no matter what might come our way. It is so comforting to know that we have each other on this board to lift each other up in prayer and then share the blessings that You shower on us . Thank you , Lord for our precious sister Judy.
    Please surround her and fill her with Your Love and Power.

    In Jesus Holy Name,
    Amen and Amen

    You are loved Judy,
    Love , Holly
  19. windblade

    windblade Active Member

    I was so eager to come home tonight from my therapy experience to share it with you all, because it was so helpful, and comforting. And here I find these extraordinary words from you all, people that I have come to know, and carry around with me in my thoughts, and my everyday life.

    Thank you, my dear, dear friends for all that you have said!!!

    Cate - I burst out laughing when I read your first sentence. "....weary, burdened. zig-zagging Judy." I'm still laughing. That is so on-the-mark true, and so deliciously expressed.

    Cate - you wrote so much about being in the present. Well, I found out a very important clue tonight with my amazingly creative therapist. I explained to her the states that I have been going through - so different from my usual PTSD - they have been just taking me over, overwhelming me.

    Well, she said they were from my infant state - preverbal, and very young childhood without much language.

    I might need to delete this later. I never can usually speak about it. My first experiences in life were so violent. But my therapist said that NOW I have language and understanding, and can bring healing to my body and mind.

    She is so loving - I felt so mothered, and comforted and cared for. Protected. And she dreams for my future, and believes in it.

    For all of us, whenever we re-experience trauma, because something has stirred it up. In this case my mother's death; we are bringing a NEW element to those remembered experiences. Which can be part of our healing.

    The past and our memories are fluid, and change as we grow, and understand more.

    (posting this so as not to lose it)
    [This Message was Edited on 11/15/2010]
  20. windblade

    windblade Active Member

    Cate - you said, "Breathe - look -smell- touch".

    Maria, tonight brought out some aromatherapy fragrances to ground or comfort me. One was called 'Clarity' - a mixture of 6 or so different spices. I put it on my temples, and wrist - absolutely delicious blend. But what was so amazing was that it did exactly what it was meant to do. All of a sudden I was right there, very happily present, in Maria's healing office, in 2009.With nothing whirlwinding me into the past. I never expected that!

    She wants me also to find vanilla, cinnamon and nutmeg. My grandmother's wonderful cooking fragrances from rice pudding, and bread pudding. Very comforting, cared-for smells.

    Then Cate, touch. For the first time I agreed to go to a reflexologist. Maria believes that re-leasing all the accumalated emotional blockage will help my CFS. I'm keeping an open mind there.

    Springwater - yesterday I felt at the end of my rope battling off a constant barrage of negative thought attacks. I started doing deep breathing, and meditation. It only lasted for seconds, minutes? But I saw that it gave my mind a rest, and caused a break-up of the harmful thoughts. HOORAY, I finally get it!

    I can see, Spring, why this practice keeps you going. Rejuvenating and clearing emotions and energies. I said to my husband on the way home, "I'm determined to increase my ability to meditate." He thought that was wonderful. He goes to about 4 yoga classes/practice a week.

    Holly dear, I believe so much that God is our completely loving parent - mother and father. Wise, tender, wanting to bring all fullness of life to us. Watching over us so carefully. Bringing his Reality into whatever circumstances we are going through.

    (just energy-crashed in the middle of a thought).

    I'm going to go back and read these posts many times - there are so many riches in them. Which means those riches are in your souls!

    I think we can help each other - and will!

    Lots of love, Judy.
    [This Message was Edited on 07/29/2009]