Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by budmickl, Oct 25, 2007.

  1. budmickl

    budmickl New Member

    I posted this on the depression board also, so don't think you are seeing double.

    Is it OK to add my supposed boyfriend/fiancé <b>GIRLFRIEND</b> to some of my instant messages and networking profiles?

    She knows all about me, I know who she is and how he met her. I have wondered why he didn't just boot his so-called business partner out a long time ago. Well, she is the 'partner' sister. She lives in TX, we are in MO and he hasn't made any trips down there but I'm sure she has been up here to see her brother and other family members.

    I also know he told me last summer (2006) that he hadn't talked to her for several months. However, he added her to his FACEBOOK page in May, along with Zorbia this summer.

    I have always had an issue with trust, and I absolutely found out about his Facepage site by accident. Apparently when I signed up for Facebook because I was invited by a friend (female), I sent out an invitation to everyone in my address book. His niece responded, I checked her profile, his was on it, so I checked his profile. Boom, there it was.

    SO.... all the green eye monster that I have tried so hard to put behind, is back full force. Every single tool of snooping, spying, anything I have done in the past, I have done in the last 2 weeks. Short of going into his apartment and tearing it apart, that is. I did go through his apartment mid-September while he was in the hospital with a heart attack. He asked me to go get some stuff for him. His computer is pass word protected, which I think is strange since he lives alone. And he knows I won't go in without his permission.

    He has other email addresses for him and his business. No big deal, but he always gets upset when I have more than one.

    On top of starting this horrible job that is bad enough, but this has been eating me up for last few weeks.

    Thanks for listening.

    [This Message was Edited on 10/25/2007]
  2. victoria

    victoria New Member

    I'm so sorry you just found out all this, that is heartbreaking...

    Heck, from what I understand (and I don't know that much about facebook), I'd add her... at least your BF will see it... would be interesting to see what happens... and why not anyway, what have you got to lose at this point? You might learn a lot that will ultimately be helpful one way or the other.

    Hope you can destress over the weekend... spend some time with some good friends or something?

    all the best,

  3. budmickl

    budmickl New Member

    Thanks for the responses. There is a lot more to the story, of course.

    I have to leave for a meeting but when I get home, I'll give more details. Nothing lurid or titillating. Just the facts..

  4. budmickl

    budmickl New Member

    OK guys, this is going to be a long one... The saga of my (longest) relationship...

    We have been together since 2000. It wasn't easy because of how we met, how he came to live in my town and his numerous suicide attempts.

    I felt resentment towards him because I felt I didn't have a choice for him to live with me. He left the east coast, wife, daughter and grandkids to be with me. But I had told him I wasn't ready for that. Since he drank a little cocktail of coke and brake fluid, he got kicked out his house, family and town.

    He finally found employment, was doing upholstery work out of my garage and had a looser helping him. I didn't like this looser the first time I met him. I am VERY judgmental, but usually, my judgment is right.

    I lost my job in Aug 2003 but he was still living here and working a job and in the garage. He gave me most of the money he made, I took care of family issues and when my unemployment ran out, I started to work for a caterer that was in the mall where he had moved his 'garage' business because it was more than what the garage could hold.

    The looser went to the shop while bf was at work, asleep at the desk most of the time.

    By this time, I hate the looser and he and his wife hated me. nothing was ever spoken, but you know the looks, stares, non-verbal comments. She looked like a crack mole and he looked like a hippy wanna be druggy.

    Summer of 2004, I was so unhappy and depressed. Medicine I was on made my minimal sex drive disappear totally. BF was not used to that - between his wife and swinging, I think he had sex 2 - 3 times a day. For me, 2 -3 times a week was good week for him. I was full of resentment and anger towards him. He moved out after another suicide attempt.

    We were still 'together', just trying to work things out. We saw each other and he stayed here a couple nights a week.

    Keep in mind during all of this, the loser that was helping him with his business was growing to hate me more and more. I wasn't treating BF right, he deserved better, and he introduced BF to his sister. In the picture that I saw of her, she looked like scum. I asked BF why he had her picture, said loser sent it to him but he wasn't interested.

    Oct 2005 I didn't know what to do about us.

    I had lived with a guy in early 1980's for 2 1/2 yrs. My kids consider him more their dad than their sperm donor. Because of my sister's illness and niece's kidney removal and dialysis, he called me to find out what was exactly going on. Sister has a way of embellishing stories. He lives in AR but works in GA and CA for long periods of time on movies and said if I wanted to get away, I could stay at his house.

    BF was not at all happy I was talking to ex-bf. I decided I was going to go out of town and stay at his house because I didn't have any money. I lied to bf and told him I was just going to Branson. Oh yeah, ex-bf wasn't in GA or CA, he was in AR too. But trust me, he is definitely NOT anyone I would cheat with. There's a reason he is an EX.

    Anyway, BF figured out I wasn't in Branson when I wouldn't tell him what hotel I was in. He came over to my house and got on my computer and got ex-bf phone numbers and started bugging the hell out of me. Ex-bf didn't answer the phone, I didn't want bf to know he was really there. And to this day, he doesn't know bf was there.

    After I came home, things went to hell=p in a handbag. We were actually almost complete broken up.

    During this time, loser was in heaven - I had hurt bf, we weren't really together.

    His skank sister came up from TX for visit. For some reason, I had to go to the shop. There was a lady in there looking at fabrics. The tension was so thick you could cut it. But I figured it was just because of me. Well, it was but because I came in while loser was setting up skank sister and bf.

    June 2006 - BF said he was going to loser's house for a BBQ. We were trying to work things out. I interpreted what was said to mean he would be home in the early evening. He wouldn't answer his cell phone.

    I went nuts. I got his password for his email since it is on my main yahoo account. I found out he had been talking to skank in TX. He had said something a few months before about going to TX to try and buy some of his AD cheaper. I asked if I could go too, I thought it would be good for us to get away. He said he wanted to go alone, to think. Well, I couldn't argue with him. I have told him that many times; I used to go to Chicago with my daughter when she would go for business.

    When he finally got home, I went crazy. Absolutely certifiable crazy because he had emails from her, and stuff. But I understood that we were basically not together so he had every right to make new friends. It was hurtful because of who it was but still, I understood.

    We worked through things, and have been pretty settled ever since. He told me he hadn't talk to skank since he told her we were trying to work things out.

    July 2006 we are at the (natural) camp for the 4th. He confessed to me that when he was supposed to be at the BBQ, that him, loser and crack mole had gone to a (natural) camp. I have never particularly liked going to the nudist camp, but hell, everyone else was naked. And it was something he really enjoyed doing. I didn't get extremely mad or upset, but I told him that I was hurt because I had felt that was the one thing him and I shared between us, and no one else. That was also the last time we had sex.

    Sept 2007, I get a call from his friend that bf was at the hospital, they think he is having a heart attack. By the time I get there, he was in surgery having one stint put in. His friend was real protective of bf's cell phone. BF always had it locked or conveniently forgot it at home when he would stay over on Saturday nights.

    A gal that worked in the mall where the shop is, had stopped by to get an estimate for work on a chair. Loser proceeded to tell her how him and his crack mole wife and their daughter hated me. I wasn't too impressed with the gal but she brought his glasses to him. But she stayed and stayed and stayed.... she finally left. I come back later that evening because she had forgotten to leave his glasses. I am pretty sure she had left them. I wasn't happy.

    Next morning, before 7:30, I get to the hospital hoping to talk to the doctor. Guess who was there... yep, the gal with his glasses. The nurse came in so her and I stepped out of the room. I wasn't overly nice to her. I went back in bf's room and asked him if I should be worried?? He said what do you mean? I said what is she doing here??? She must have heard me because she left. But she came back that day anyway.

    I was so stressed out about him being sick and my dear daughter had told me earlier, the day he got sick, that she wasn't talking to me because I was spying on her.

    BF is always home at night, knows it's too risky to met anyone at his shop so I feel pretty confident that he isn't actually meeting the skank or anyone else. But I think if he was having a sexual relationship only with someone, I could deal with it. He isn't getting it from me.

    What I can't accept is he lied to me about not talking to skank since 2006. I hadn't been looking or spying or snooping on him.

    Then this Facebook thing came up and I have been in a tizzy ever since.

    And by the way, I still talk to ex-bf but current bf doesn't know. So I'm no angel either.

    That's my story. Pretty sad and pathetic, eh?

    [This Message was Edited on 10/27/2007]
  5. budmickl

    budmickl New Member

    Some answers:

    == WHAT DO I WANT?? I want a partner who is likes some of the same things I do. Weekend get-aways, I want someone who will go to family functions with me when I go. I don't to many so that isn't asking too much is it?

    == Is there a ME anymore here at all??? Yes, there is a ME here.. problem is, I don't like the ME I have become.
    PS I just remember something that pisses me off... he used to get pissed off about what I would wear. Oh brother...

    == Do I still want to stay in this relationship? Not really, but he has been so fragile with his depression, then his heart

    == Is it GOOD & HEALTHY for me, or it is making me feel worse? It's not helping me, that's for sure.

    == Could I manage to be on my own? That isn't an issue here.

    == Do I want to be independent? I basically already am, since he doesn't have any expectations

    == Am I in LOVE, or am I just HOLDING on? Holding on,

    == Is it working? No

    == Do we have a future together? No

    == Is this who I want to spend the rest of my life with? NO

    == If he has cheated on me, can I truly forgive him??? Will I ever trust him in moving forward? I don't think he has ever physically cheated on me when we were 100% together. But if he would leave his wife and daughter and grandkids for me, someone he met online, I know he is still talking with other females.
  6. budmickl

    budmickl New Member

    You know, I am just too tired to talk to him about it. I'm too tired of working on this relationship that isn't going anywhere. We have been 'engaged' for several years.. Then he moved out.

    Just putting this in black and white, makes me see things differently. I need to try and get my crapola together and cut my losses.

    Thanks for helping me work through this, even if you didn't realize what you did!