Need some motherly advice

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Sheila1366, Dec 21, 2005.

  1. Sheila1366

    Sheila1366 New Member

    Hey everyone ,it's me again looking for help.
    How do yo uknow if you adult child is manipulating you?I will give you a few situations that have happened just last night.First I must say she is bipolar like myself along with my youngest being bipolar and having brain damamge.We need new brains for Christmas.

    Anyway,Amber has been having serious problems breaking up with this boy.This has been going on for over a month now.She has told this boy all these things about how mean we are,how spoiled her sister is and who knows what else.

    Well, this boyfriend thinks she is in danger at our home and asked her to choice between him and her family.He has asked her this twice.She choices us but blames us for there relationship falling apart.

    Last night I will give you an example of what she says to me and you tell me if this in manipulation.

    We had a hitted discussion yesterday about the same old thing,this boy.First time I had gotten frustrated with her at all about the situation since it all began over a month ago.My daughter is a pessimist and has always been that way as long as I can remember.Every word of encouragment is just shot down by her.I mean this will go on for atleast an hour or more and every bit of comfort I try to give her is just turned into something awful.

    She said some of the most awful things to me last night.

    I had to take my youngest daughter and get her out of the house due to the emotional stress going on.Carrie was having delusions and serious dejavus,I was afraid this stress was gonna throw her into a seizure.I have never seen Carrie that upset before.Amber was crying too and wanted to go with us but everytime Carrie looked at Amber who was crying Carrie would get worse.The 2 had to be seperated,I had no choice.Carrie and I went to the firestation to see husband and Amber was left at home.I called my mom right away and had her go over to the house tho check on AMber and also called our good friend next door to check on her.

    Well, Amber said I abandoned her.I picked Carrie over her.She took the phone off the hook so we couldn't call and check on her.We finally got through on the phone and her dad and I had a very long talk with AMber.Mainly she was saying how bad of a mother I was for leaving her and that her sister should feel guilty for doing this to her,her sister that was pleading and saying I am sorry to Amber over and over cause she couldn't help that she needed to get away from her.When I started to cry she accused me once again of being so manipulative that I would use my emotion to get my husband mad and to turn everyone against her.She even said that because I was crying my husband would go out to where she was cuss her out and beat her up.

    It is like talking to a sranger.Amber will play a guilt trip on us if we don't do what she wants.She turns everything on us and her disabled sister.

    This is just a very small part of what went on.But before the night was over she went to my moms and told me I knew where to find her if I wanted to see my daughter.Then she calls the firestation complaining that Ihaven't called to check on her and then wants to know if Iwant her back home and if she comes home will I be mean to her.I finally just tossed all the insults aside and told her I would come and get her.

    I can't tell you how hard it is to keep the peace here.Carrie my youngest is super sensitive due to her brain injury and bipolar.She is very confused when people talk and if there is any emotinal tension she gets very very upset.It's like having an autisitc child, she has many of their tendencies.

    Well I best be going.Gotta go get dh,my van broke down and we are sharing one car.

    BTW, my daughter is 20 yrs. old.

    Give this very very confused mother some advice please.
    LOVE ALL,
    Sheila
  2. rmc20021

    rmc20021 New Member

    this sounds so much like my own 15 yo so if you come up with any answers, please let me know. My daughter refuses to eat anything except exactly what she wants and then claims that the school and myself won't feed her and that she is starving...she even went so far the other night to
    'show' me how malnourished she is by crawling across the floor as if to be someone dying on a desert, and then climbed up from the floor by holding onto the wall as if it was her last lifeline.

    I try to ignore her bizzare behaviors, but I have to wonder what is really going on here. It must be something medical or emotionally wrong with these kids like this to go to these extremes and try to blame everyone else for their problems in life. I won't take that responsibility....but I'm sure tired of the dramatics.
  3. dononagin

    dononagin New Member

    ok.. as the mom of a 15 year old bi-polar daughter I feel your pain. You know and I know that they are not always going to act rational. And thier feelings however irrational are real and it seems like everything gets blown out of proportion.

    When mine gets to that point it's back to the counselor she goes! She currently sees him once a month but when her behavior gets out there we bump it up.

    Right or wrong these children need extra reassurance. You have a heavy load with trying to balance both Amber and Carries needs.

    I know I have a grandaughter with CP that is also slightly autistic and even someone coughing can through her into a tizzy. So I know you are carrying quite a burdon here.

    I know it seems that usually when my daughter is having episodes it will blow over after a while no matter how dramatic the situation. Sometimes we have to be just super patient, let them know if the behavior is unacceptable but do it with open arms and a lot of love. Rejection does seem to affect bipolar kids more than others. And again, right or wrong, justified or not she is feeling what she is feeling and has to work through it.

    In the mean time.. this is tearing you up inside. Let her know you love her unconditionally. The thing with the boy will pass. Boys come and go. Mom's don't. Don't give her an ultimatim as far as the boy goes, sounds like he has already done that and eventually she will resent him for that.

    As a young adult I know your options are more limited than mine with a 15 year old. It can be terribly frightening being the parent sometimes. We want the best for our kids but trying to get them to do the right things can sometimes seem next to impossible!

    Try to get her back into counseling if you can. Protect yourself and Carrie as much as you can and remember it will blow over. It always does..

    I know I'm not much help here and as for advise.. God knows I've been through so much with my daughter that I know there is no set answer.

    Sheila.. I really wish I had answers for you. I'm here though any time you need to vent.

    Hang tough!!
    love, dona
  4. smiffy79

    smiffy79 New Member

    i dont know.
    as far as i know so please correct me if i am wrong but bipolar disorder can be surpressed with meds ??? so its not active?? lithium isntit?

    if thats the case i am tending to think along the lines of at 20 shes a little old of amatuer dramatics (its what my mum calls tamping).

    i think this bf has learnt he can manipulate your daughter and is using it to cause discord in your home so she goes running to him.

    also are you sure shes taking all her meds? just a thought that occured to me.
    im not sure i would have left the house but the situation needed to be defused,in future would it not be better to take them to seperate rooms to cool off,maybe the older could have played some music?? iron maiden the number of the beast is a good 'im in a strop' albulm :)

    i would use christmas to its full advantage and unfortunatly if your daughter wants the bf to be a part of her xmas then invite him round for christmas tea saying something to her like his own mother would probably like to have him for dinner but it would be nice if you both had tea with us??

    all the best smiffy.
    [This Message was Edited on 12/23/2005]
  5. Dee50

    Dee50 New Member

    Sheila,

    Just a thought. Is your 20 year old daughter pregnant.

    My daughter is 20 and is bipolar and when she acted like this she was or is pregnant.

    I'd buy a home pregnant kit and test her.

    Dee50
  6. CanBrit

    CanBrit Member

    Man...sometimes kids are so hard to raise. My daughter, now 29, is bipolar and we certainly had our battles when she was younger.

    The best I can suggest is tough love. Whether you are 20, or 50, there are rules. In your house, it must be you and your husband's rules. Amber has choices, she may make the wrong ones. She's old enough to accept responsibility for those choices.

    My daughter moved in with her boyfriend when she 18 because she couldn't get her own way. She expected me to buy her cigarettes, do her laundry, etc without giving anything in return. Life just plain doesn't work that way.

    It's taken several years to get her on a medication that works for her. She now takes Paxil faithfully. At 29, she's an RN, has two wonderful (albeit spoilt) little boys and another one due in April. Our relationship is great. She's forever saying that she should've listened to me when she was younger.

    With kids, we do the best we can and keep our fingers crossed that some of what we've tried to teach sinks in.

    I do hope the spirit of Christmas invades Amber and you and your family enjoy some peace this holiday season

    Best regards,

    Eileen

  7. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    A DYSFUNCTIONAL, ALCOHOLIC family that is pretty hopeless. No amount of advice or common sense will help. The only way to deal with it is when someone one is acting crazy, they leave or I leave.

  8. tejanya

    tejanya New Member

    mine is 28, living with us and her 2 kids (4 and 1yr). she is dramatic and so is the guy she sees. he is 43 and should know better than to call me complaining about her. i do not let her disrespect me, or cause others in the family to feel the same. we have unconditional love for our kids, but...at some point they have to start accepting responsibilty for thier actions. its hard to let them go when they threaten to leave. maybe you can say key words to ehr that will make her stop and think when she's gone from you. like is this a sick love? he is trying to keep you away from us. what do we do that scares you? if you can not start working things out, it may be best to let her experience life in the real world. being by-polar is not something new. a lot of people have it, they just need to stay on thier meds. i do not have a sis, but friends do and they seem to always be jealous of each other. do not let her words make you feel horrible. she loves you but doesn't understand how much you love her. trust in God. He is still helping us. my daughter treats me better, but sometimes she backslides and i remind her i am human also. another ? does sshe have friends that help her feel this way because they have problems with thier family?