Need Support Dealing With Family

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by steach, May 6, 2011.

  1. steach

    steach Member

    Hi Friends,

    I haven't been on the board in quite sometime- some of you may rember me and some of you may be new (I'm an "old-timer" lol).

    In the past couple of years my health issues with Fibro, CFS, and migraines haven gotten much worse. I think that I can physically deal with these problems -but- my 19 year-old daughters are causing such emotional grief: they tell me that I am so negative, all I ever talk about is how I am feeling, I don't try hard enough to do activities, that I'm lazy, tell me that I need to do things to get in shape and improve my looks, that my significant other is going to get tired of me and leave............

    How do I deal with this?

    I have invited them to go to dr. appts. with me but they refuse. This is not new to my family- I was diagnosed 9 years ago. Any suggestions would be GREATLY appreciated.

    Thanks so much my friends.

  2. quanked

    quanked Member

    You are the parent. They are the children. I assume they are living with you and YOU are NOT living with them.

    How dare they call you lazy! I guess the idea of anyone of my grown children saying anything to me like what you are saying they say to you amazes me. Personally, I would not tolerate it. They are out of line and imho they should be made aware of this fact.

    It is not doing you or your daughters any good to allow this kind of behavior from them. If you are in a physically weakened state then you might need to consider having them leave. Their behavior is abusive and sometimes some of us are vulnerable to being mistreated when we are too physically weak. It kind of sounds like getting kicked when one is down.

    We may need those around us to treat us caringly but needing it and wanting it does not make it happen. In our states of health we can, at the very least, insist on respectful treatment but if it does not come we can keep family/friends out of our space for our own well being.

    What you say concerns me. It sounds like your health has been deteriorating over time which tells me you are growing weaker physcially and often this means weaker emotionally. It sounds like you might need some protections.

    Please take care of yourself steach.
  3. mbofov

    mbofov Active Member

    First, just curious, it sounds like you have twin daughters. I have identical twin sons (now age 39! how can that be? ;).

    Quanked makes some good points. It is really important to set boundaries with your kids. They may not understand your illness, but they do need to treat you with respect. And for that I learned you have to believe you deserve respect (we all do!), and therefore won't tolerate or accept rude or abusive behavior. You could simply refuse to discuss your illness with them unless or until they can behave like adults.

    I think most 19-year-olds do believe they know more than their parents so their behavior is not inexplicable, but it is unacceptable, and not good for your mental or physical health. Do they live with you? Will your significant other back you up?

    I wouldn't spend too much energy trying to convince them your illness is real. It seems that people either get it or they don't, and it can waste valuable energy trying to convince those who don't get it. I got literature for my ex-husband who would never read it (that's one reason he's now my ex).

    I think parenthood is the hardest job in the world. One of my sons was quite rude at age 19, and very difficult to deal with. I had to learn to stand up for myself, and he had some growing up to do, and we get along really now (thank goodness!)

    Take care -

  4. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    I'm holding up my hand over here!

    I've dealt with the same issues from family and friends for a very long time. As a result I've isolated myself which isn't good for anyone, especially me. It's one thing to say to insist on respect; another to get it. I've used the Spoons story, they've seen how exhausted I get, but I finally realized that it's really impossible to understand if you don't have it. Misunderstanding may be the worst of all to deal with.

    What I've tried to do is feel sorry for people who don't respect our limitations. The worst are the ones who say they have the same problems and yet are as active as healthy people. They make the rest of us look bad!

    Sorry I'm not more helpful. I'll watch this thread with interest.

    Chatty Cathy today,
  5. kitteejo

    kitteejo Member

    I just had to tell my grown daughter that my body feels like I am 80 years old and I just can't babysit anymore. This was very painful for me to do and say but I've been pushing myself to help her and I just can't do it anymore. Guess what, it worked! She was so sorry for asking and said she would find other people to help her and that she just wants me to be part of her children's lives. I told her I would be in their lives but I just can't babysit.

    Good luck to all,
  6. steach

    steach Member

    for the wisdom and suggestions. Yes, my daughters are twins. One is married with a little girl, 14 months old and her husband is in the military and deployed- she moved back home until he returns to the States. The other works and goes to college. I get more understanding from my 10 year-old son who tells me, "It's okay mom."

    I have other medical conditions than the ones I mentioned; it takes every ounce of energy just to try to make it through the day, get a shower, make dinner, attend dr. appts.,.......

    I had my growth hormone tested and I am sooooo low that my rheumy tells me that physiologically I am that of a 72 year-old person.

    I am not asking for sympathy- just some understanding, respect, and help around the house -and- the name-calling and humilitation to stop. I do enough of beating myself up for the things I need to do and want to do but can't.

    What steps do I take to make them to find their own apartments? The emotional stress is causing me to become depressed and wearing me out physically.

    Thanks soooooo much for letting me vent and taking the time to help. It is more than appreciated.

  7. rosemarie

    rosemarie Member

    I have 3 daughters and until this year only one of them really thought that I had any thing wrong with me. This year was different because I had to get my license renewed and as I have said here I was totally honest and filled out htat I was disabled, that meant that I had to hvae my doctor rate my disability and it did not go well the first time. The second time it went much better and he allowed me to take my written test and driveing test. I passed but it took alot of work on my part and their's well. Two of the three daughters went to see my doctor with me twice and both wanted me to get off all my pain meds. I am on mscontin and msir ,soma , visteril and xanax. My middle dausghter wants me off ALL my pain meds. The oldest daughter wants me to get off as many as possialbe or the lowest doseage possialbe.

    I am trying to not take as many pills but with the weather here in Utah that changes every 5 minutes it seems. We have had more rain and snow this year than in the last 20 yrs.

    We have had more snow and a wet fall and this spring is still wet. WE have not had one week with out any rain.
    My girls have had issue's all along and they have voiced them often to me. It is so hard to have fibro and other issues and still be the mommy, the house keeper, the driver, ect. I too have daughters with husbands over sea's but thankfully they have not moved home. WE would have loved the youngest to move to the same town that we live in but we are in a small two bedroom house , after we lost our house. The youngest has 3 kids the oldest has 2 kids and the middle has 1. All three girls had babies last year.
    I understand how hard it is to have your famly NOT get it, to tell you that your lazy or lying as no one is ever that tired all the time. I have heard them all and for a long time I thought the same thing but now I have had to learn that what I have is real and there is some things I can do some times but I can't do every thing all the time. I have tried as best as I can to get my family to understand.

    It upsets me to hear that your doaughters are not helping you out. I hope that the one who is married helps out with not only her child but the house work as well. The one in school should be helping you as well. I am glad that your son understands that there are things you can't do.
    You will be in my prayers , I hope that your daughters start to understand what you have to go thru daily.