Need to talk...Vent

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by BEARANDBUGSMOM, Sep 15, 2006.

  1. BEARANDBUGSMOM

    BEARANDBUGSMOM New Member

    I have been really depressed lately. I am a stay at home mom and my husband works all day in the Florida sun and we both have become out of shape over the last 5 years and our energy level is awful.

    We have a 4 year old boy and a 3 year old girl and of course they are full of energy. My mother also lives with us and over the past year very quickly she has developed Diabetic neuropathy and has trouble walking and is in pain all the time. I have fibro, cfs and am very tired and have extreme brain fog, headaches, back pain, sciatic...etc.

    We all are terrible with finances and are always behind in payments and forgetting to pay things etc. Hubby thinks that since I am the stay at home mom that I am supposed to do everything in the house, the only problem is I am too tired and hurt, the children pretty much take up all the energy I have and he doesn't understand this, every now and then he will fuss about the mess but most of the time he keeps it inside.

    He and I never seem to be able to talk about our problems without fussing so most times lately we are just quiet and bury our feelings, anger and frustration. I can no longer do that.

    I am very upset about the time that he spends with our children, or should I say doesn't spend. When he comes home he is very tired and usually lands in front of the computer to play poker, or in front of the tv to watch sports.

    All I ever seem to hear come out of his mouth anymore are move over your in front of the tv, or wait daddy's playing poker....He never does anything with them, never takes them anywhere. I have them all the time I take them with me wherever I go. He tells them not to jump on him he's tired or he hurts.

    My son is in trouble all the time because he wants to play rough and lately I can tell that my son is going for bad attention since he can't seem to get any good attention.

    I finally blew up last night when hubby said that we needed to get a little tougher with our son, because he is talking back too much and being really bratty....I lost it, what do you mean tougher, maybe you should spend a little quality time with him take him somewhere and do something with him(them)!!!

    He says, when does he have time he has been working all the time and he is very tired....OMG, I just can't believe he said that. I said that he manages to schedule golf time...which I understand he needs time to unwind and I do not mind him playing golf but put your children first.

    I dont have much energy either so I take them to the mall play area to play with other children. We always ask daddy to go and he says no. The other day I asked again and he said he hates the mall...it's not about you it's about them and what they like. Am I wrong?

    Anyway last night I finally had it after the get tougher thing and I unloaded about how he isn't doing anything with them and that he needs to spend more time with them and, pay some attention to them.

    After trying to talk about these things he tells me to stop talking, thats enough, He's not going to listen to me stand there and call him a sh*tty father....He's doing the best he can. I am not calling him a sh*tty father I am trying to tell him that he needs to spend more time with them and not in between commercials or poker tournaments and he is just irate with me. I have been holding this in for so long, because I knew that he would take it the wrong way, and that he would be mad, but all he seems to do if fuss at our son always saying calm down, he is 4!!

    I told him that we need to schedule some time to get away this weekend and talk, and he said no. ??

    He says he wants to do all these things with the children like golfing, hunting and fishing but when is he going to do these things when they are old enough what at 7? They will not give a crap about doing anything with there father...my son already tells me that he doesn't like daddy because he gets mad at me.

    For the past 3 weeks I actually start to feel sick when it's time for hubby to come home, because I am so tired of hearing him and the children fuss at each other. Now I really don't know what to do. He was so mad last night and he always takes anything I try to tell him the wrong way?

    I just don't know what to do anymore, I feel like I don't want to be here anymore...I never wanted to put my children thru a divorce and living in two different places, God, This man wanted children for years before we met and was unable to with his ex wife and then we were together for a year and then I became pregnant it was wonderful! I guess wanting them and having to raise and entertain them are two differnt things. He thinks all he has to do is go to work and that is a good father?

    I have them 24/7 I never get a break and I am mentally and physically exhausted, and I am just rambling...you folks are the only friends I have, I am a home body and always have been and I don't get out much...I think I better try to get out anf find some sort of support group. I always feel better when I talk to you folks here you understand this Disease and how it affects your lives and emotions.


    Thanks so much for your support and listening, sorry it was soo long!
    Blessings,
    Kelly
  2. mymichelina

    mymichelina New Member

    that you are having to go thru this. I am sure it is very hard. Be reassured that your children know you love them and that they are your priority....keep that your focus. Maybe you can see a counselor? I wish I had better advice for you. I am sure further posters have their head together more than I with my pain and brain fog. So many nice people here. Take care.
  3. suzetal

    suzetal New Member

    I am so sorry this is happening in your family.Fathers do need to spend time with there children.Not just discipline them or put food on the table.They need to be there and take them places and enjoy them now before its to late.

    There is such a thing as taking them to play golf now.They will have a blast being with there Dad playing his sport.Take them to Minnie golf one afternoon.

    He could also teach them how to play cards.I'm sure the children would have fun.

    I don't know what else to say except I think he also needs counseling.

    Take care Hugs
    Sue
  4. Kimba4318

    Kimba4318 New Member

    i have been in the same situation in the past. I would let it eat away at me and then when I would finally say something - I would be accused of caling him a crappy dad and husband.

    I had to reward every little thing he would do with the kids and say how I saw their faces light up and how happy that made us, etc...

    Eventually, it sunk in and now he feels like he can do fun things and be with the kids. It was hard to make him see that. Now I think he gets proud with the fun things they do together and how different the kids talk to him now. They used to almost ignore him because they would hear him yell or just figured he did not care anyway. The kids used to walk right past dad and gfo upstairs to tell on each other to ME. I could not take anymore - I would say - you have a father, you just walked passed him to go get me.

    Now it is much better, after lots of work and he is very aware - he was the one who used to say "I am better with playing with the kids when they are older" I could not sit around and wait.

    Anyway - I wish I could tell you how it finally worked, but I think it was the positive reinforcement. I know it is hard when we don't get any, but I do think it helped.

    Please keep us updated, I really hope things will get better for you. We are here if you need us. Good Luck.
    Big Hugs :)
    Kim
  5. BEARANDBUGSMOM

    BEARANDBUGSMOM New Member

    My mom says you gotta kill 'em with kindness and baby them just like the kids to get them to do what you want but sometimes we want someone to take care of us and not have to do everything and take care of everyone elses feelings before our own...

    deannabelt, I am also 32 and I feel the same never thought I would be sitting here in this situation, feeling alone tired and in pain.

    I guess I do need to find a therapist but I'm sure I wouldn't be able to get an appointment for 6 months, and I am just not very comfortable talking to them.

    Thanks again everyone your encouragement helps a lot!
    Kelly

  6. NyroFan

    NyroFan New Member

    Kelly:

    I am so sorry you are going through this. I got divorced because of this disease and I do not wish that on anyone.

    One of the things I identified with in your post is that it is so hard to handle that kind of stress when you are already hurting that bad already.

    Stay safe and try to keep your cool. You are the mother and should rule the house any way you want.

    You sound like a very caring and loving person.

    No, I would not put up with your husband's behavior either.

    nyrofan
  7. sascha

    sascha Member

    these are the exact issues (many of them) that these shows address. it sounds way too hard for you not having parenting support. kids are supposed to be fun! not chores to avoid. and you want them to get that feeling, too, of being cherished and valued. it sounds as though your husband just doesn't know how. which is not to say he couldn't learn how to make his kids a priority- i'm brainstorming and maybe it's not helpful, but if you got in a bunch of games suitable for the kids' ages, might your husband agree to play during a family time? say- once a week? have him name a convenient time. he must not even know his kids the way he's operating, and he's probably operating that way out of ignorance.

    it is such a short time when the kids are growing up. he's missing it and doesn't realize it. every quality minute spent interacting with your kids and enjoying them goes right in the bank of their self-esteem and sense of self-worth.

    i really hope you find a way to pull him in. you need it for yourself also. being ill with a chronic condition of course makes it all so much harder for you. you do see what's going on- now to find some solutions. good luck- sascba