Need to vent about husb. so be warned,I'm not happy

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Sheila1366, Oct 11, 2005.

  1. Sheila1366

    Sheila1366 New Member

    As some of you may know already my husband is a control freak.He's right and I'm wrong.

    Well we went a couple of days where he didn't belittle me or correct.Was nice,thought our little talk helped.

    Today we took daughter to dr. In most cases moms take children to dr.'sNot all but most.So dr.'s are use to talking with the mothers.I have done more than 90% of all the dr. visits with our children.

    I hate it when he comes with me.I can explain what is going on,something he and I agree on.Dr. understand and then moves on to something else.Then later my husband will bring it up again just worded differently but basically the same thing I said.

    I was kind of embarrased cause I already said the same thing to the dr. and he addressed it.

    Now I am sure someone may say he was just trying to be aprt of the conversation.Believe me I allowed him time to respond,every question asked was directed to us both.I don't control the conversation I just take part as he should too.But he has always gotten mad when the dr. looks at me and not him when answering questions.

    Maybe someone out there will understand what I am saying.I know my husband very well and it is all about being right and the need to clairfy what I say to others.

    This is a guy that wouldn't even go the the hospital the day she had her first brain surgery.I went alone.All of the medical problems my girls have I know more about them cause I am with them.He thinks of it as a competition.And too, I think it just gets his goat that maybe I do know more about something than he does.

    Sorry, not a FM thing just a bad day with my husband.Had to grip somewhere.

    I am just so tired of him correcting me, when I have an idea he always thinks of a better way to do it.When I drive he complains about me not staying between the lines and loves to be critical but he makes out like it is a joke.He thinks that known of us knows that he is really serious when he is sarcastic.

    I am pulling out my hair over this.

    Sheila

    See it is stuff like this that just keeps me stressed.We just had our 18th wedding anniversary yesterday.No big event,never is neither is birthdays,valentines.

    We are to get rid of stress as much as we can.How do I keep dealing with a man that wants control all the time.I am almost 40 yrs. old and I don't need him to be my daddy.

    He just admitted the other day that he does talk down to me and he is gonna try and do better.Well today he blew it.
  2. Rosiebud

    Rosiebud New Member

    I'm not on your husband's side, far from it, but if he admits to this and says he's going to try and do better then hopefully he will. Bad habits die hard Sheila, it may take him sometime.

    Some men still havent come to terms with the fact that women dont need to be 'taken care of' 'controlled', 'bossed around'.

    I have a few choice words for my husband when he behaves like that.

    Happy anniversary, my husband doesnt know how to make a fuss about special occassions either Sheila.

    love
    Rosie



  3. JPach007

    JPach007 New Member

    Sheila,
    I know your story was not ment for laughs, but I have to tell you...I laughed! hehe!
    Why did I laugh? Cause my husband is the EXACT same way! He is Ex-military, so not only is he a control freak, he knows everything about everything. Sometimes he will talk to people as if they are his little soldiers, and I cannot believe it. He loves to scream and yell at me..my latest thing (the last 2 years)... whenever he tried to "demand" an answer from me..I say...I dont know or I dont remember. Because he knows the answer he is going to get, I think he has refrained from asking...so can you imagine me trying to explain Fibro to him?!
    The best remedy is to just laugh!
  4. shelbo

    shelbo New Member

    'Honey, you did it again!' He might be too embarrassed to do it again! :)

    I feel a bit sorry for him actually: this sort of arrogance is usually really deep-seated insecurity. If you can look at it that way (and he can work on it)you might find it a bit easier.

    I think sometimes too the romance can get lost in our relationships. He might be feeling unloved and reacting. Hid reacting may be making you feel unloved...and the viscious cycle goes on maybe? See if he's like to do something romantic together on one of your better days. Yo unver know.

    Love Shelbo
  5. Sheila1366

    Sheila1366 New Member

    Any man that uses intimadation to control a woman or a child does not get my pity.When we first got married he barely spoke to me,would go right behind me and correct me even grabbed me by the arms and threw me down on the bed.I was abused severely by a boyfriend prior to my husband and he knew this yet he still felt the need to put his hands on me and did it again a few years later leaving bruises on my arms.I have been afraid to speak my mind for so long.I am inpart to blame for the situation I am in.I allowed him to do this to me but I was very young,an unwed mother.He was 30 and I was 21.His family didn't even want to meet me cause I had a baby(they were christians?)

    I just feel that all of them including him kinda looks down on me.He told me one time while we were driving in my very old car that this car is better than anything I would have ever had.

    Old habits do take awhile to break,but I am getting worn out from being treated like an idiot.

    I go to my psych. Friday.She has been concerned about my relationship with my husband.I have had wonder about other women.Just a few months ago just out of the blue 3 girls call him,friends from his past.1 of the girls was his old girlfriend that he almost married.He sat there and had this nice little conversation with them and had a good old time.Now if that had been my old boyfriend I would have gotten chewed out.When I did get upset about it ,he instantly called me a nag.Which really hurt,I never ever have nagged him about anything.

    This whole situation causes me great stress.I hate given my power to someone like him.I am trying to regain it but he is fighting me on it.It's sad when we came home from the dr. he asked was I ok.I said fine,I didn't feel like debating with him.

    First I was driving to the dr.'s office not him and he complained about my driving jokingly but serious(is that passive aggresive),yell out "Sheila there's a bug" well I am looking for a bug.I am saying wear,panicking that a bug was on me or something,then he stearning said , right there.I looked up and saw a blue volkswagon bug.Now how was I supposed to know when he said bug I was to look for a car?He got mad about that.

    If anyones self esteem has been damaged it is mine and my oldest daughter.We have been talked down to and intimidated for years.He finds something negative to say about her all the time to me.I get so tired of his complaining, I really do.I may have to get back into therapy, atleast once a month.I just don't know if I can keep being treated this way.After a life of abuse,neglect,acholic father,a mother that hated me...I think I beat him in the hard childhood by a landslide.

    I'm sorry everyone.I am just so tired of all of this.It's not just him but my family.My family does nothing with me,ignores me.But that was how my family was made up.I was the youngest, the unwanted one and I was ignored.Now my husband ignores me.How did I go from the situation I was in with family and being beaten up many times by my old boyfriend to where I am now.What led me to a man that is controling.Maybe I needed control in my life then.A safe place.I don't know.But I need to break myself off from those that treat me like I am nobody.I am so into family though.I wish so much that my family was close that my husband would be understanding and caring.I guess this is why I am so in love with my girls.They are the only people in my life I feel that gets me and truly love me despite anything I have done.When I had my first daughter at 19, I felt love for the first time,what real love was.It changed my life and made me look back on my childhood and wonder how could my family have treated the way they did.How do you treat your own child that way.My husband needs to learn that lesson with my oldest daughter.He has done so much damage when it comes to his relationship to our daughter.You don't stand over a 2 year old and yell at them or spank them especially when you are 6 foot 2 and a pretty big guy.I was so stupid back then.I know I have learned one thing,that you should never raise your hand to a child especially if you are out of control.And he was everytime.We were both afraid of him and still are.Our youngest even has talked about how he was mean to me and has gotten mad at him several times. She is developmentally delayed and yet she can pick up on his negative attitude.She is always saying don't tell daddy over the simpliest things like watching a music video or listening to music he doesn't like.

    Sorry I know this is very long.And I know many of you hear have great husbands.This is just about me and my need to feel important and my need to stop allowing so many to control my life.

    This stress is wearing me down I think now because I am older and now feel like I am somebody but can show this to anyone around me cause they pretty much look at me as nobody.I wish I could socialize more and talk about things like current events and things that are happening in our world.With my husband all we talk about is his woodworking buisness.When I do mention something I saw on tv, or heard on the radio I get no feedback from him,no engaging conversation.My youngest daughter and I are home everyday,very rarely get to go anywhere due to no money and also she hasn't been feeling well.I guess that is why I am sharing all of this with you cause I don't have him to talk to and my family still think of me as the whiney baby that just wants attention.They don't care.When I had my hysterectomy the only person that visited me was my mom and that was for 15 minutes.No flowers, no help at home,husband left the day I came home to go hunting.My parents adore my brother.As my mother has said"He is her pride and joy".When he had his nose fixed to help him breath better at night,both my parents were there in the waiting room and he got the prettiest flowers.No one was there for me in the waiting room.This hurts so much.I cry often I am sad alot.Why am I ignored like this?

    I know the stress of all of this has contributed to my failing health.I am on a very high dose of prozac and I take a mood stabalizer along with ultram which also has an anti depressant agent in it.I am worried that there will never be a time in my life that I will feel loved.Except for my girls,I know they love me whole heartedly.That is what keeps me going,that is what keeps me from leaving this place.

    Sorry again for such a long post.I just need to get this out.Even if no one reads all of this, it still helps me to write it down.I feel less crazy when I can see it put in words.

    Thanks for staying with me this long.
    Sheila
  6. nanday

    nanday New Member

    Hi Shelia,
    Since your relationship with your husband is really stressing you out and is affecting your health and fms/cfs, I think it totally fits in this message board.
    In fact many times my own Rheumy asks me about stress levels at home.
    I am so sorry the things at home with hubby are not going smoothly for you. Unfortunately the only person we can control is ourselves. He sure knows how to push buttons though. I have a suggestion: wear earplugs when he is around. Tell him if he does not have an encouraging word to say then just don't say it. He sounds like a game player and one who likes to sabatage you. Especially the car incident about the bug. Very imature. Whatever you decide to do for your daughters and yourself, remember you are a very strong woman and a very good mother DESPITE HIM.
    Tell him it's time he jump on the train before it leaves the station!

    nanday
  7. JLH

    JLH New Member

    Sheila,

    I totally understand what you are saying about how your husband acted at the doctor's office.

    He is exactly like my son-in-law! He is soooooo controlling over my oldest daughter. They have been married 10 years and have 2 sons.

    He talks down to her all the time--he *thinks* he is so much smarter than her (and everybody else). He callers her from work a couple times a day to see what she is doing. If she is not home, he calls me to see if I know where she is. He later bought her a cell phone so he could call her on it if she wasn't at home. He can't stand it if she is on the phone when he calls and is "beeped" in by call-waiting!

    He tells her how to clean house, yells at her about her car being dirty, etc. I could just go on and on. I could not stand living with him and I know she would leave if she had only worked all this time and had a good paying job to take care of herself and her boys.

    Her would never "allow" her to work--her job was to take care of the house, the kids, and him!

    He controls every penny she spends for groceries. She has to justify everything.

    He does not drink, do drugs, gamble, cheat on her, etc. But he is so self-centered, cheap, emotionally controlling of her that I could just strangle him!!!!! He works hard and makes good money, but he only spends it on what HE wants to.

    I feel sorry for you honey, because I know what he puts my daughter through. My hubby can't hardly stand the sight of him!

    Take care of yourself,
    Janet

  8. southernrose

    southernrose New Member

    hi sheila

    been in that fix before, actually was there for 22 years, and finally one day I got so tired of him till I just up and walked away. now don't get me wrong it wasn't easy, but I knew I needed to or one of us was going to be six feet under. I took my bed, chest, t.v. microwave, coffeepot, and put it in my car and drove off. My daughter was all for it, she said MOM you have finally come to your sences. Oh yes, jarjar, sometimes a person needs to vent where they feel safe, and we are suppose to be able to feel safe here, so if you don't like it maybe you need to go to another board or chatroom. thanks for letting me put my 2cents in. goodnight everyone and GOD BLESS ALL OF YOU. Southernrose
  9. pam_d

    pam_d New Member

    I guess I'm puzzled, too, as to why JarJar even read this thread, titled, "Need to vent about husb. so be warned, I'm not happy"??? when it clearly was about an "OT" subject, not specifically illness-related....wasn't the title clear enough so those wanting to avoid non-illness issues could simply skip it?

    Not picking on you, JarJar, because I totally understand your feeling that the OLD board was about CFS & FM specifically, and I often found scrolling through off-topic subjects like jokes, for example, a little distracting. However, the NEW board rules have changed with the closing of other boards. It is what it is. This is when we all have to be flexible....and compassionate when a member is truly hurting, and emotional hurt can certainly affect our ability to deal with CFS/FM.

    I just think the last thing Sheila needed to hear was that she hadn't titled her post correctly by omitting "OT"---the topic line was extremely clear. This is a woman reaching out to friends in a time of need.

    And, Sheila---I wish I could add some wisdom to what others have already told you.I wish your husband would be open to counseling, but it sounds like he would not be. I needed counseling for MYSELF in the beginning of FM, just so I would understand what was happening to me, and it was enormously helpful. Sheila, I'm saying a prayer for you...

    And vent anytime here, you have friends here, we understand...

    (((Hugs)))
    Pam
  10. Rosiebud

    Rosiebud New Member

    I didnt realise from your first post how serious your situation actually is.


    Your husband is out of order, you know that. I have had three marriages, 2 bad, one great but my first two husbands were not abusive like this, they were irresponsible.

    It's a difficult situation for you and your children. I know what I would do but I'm not there feeling ill with nowhere to go.

    Please keep us in touch with whats happening.

    love
    Rosie

    [This Message was Edited on 10/12/2005]
  11. donna275

    donna275 New Member

    as your husband. I am so glad I left. I am remarried to a wonderful wonderful man now and my ex still tries to control me through my children with him.

    Isn't it sad that we have to take antidepressants to live with them? Awful! I am slowly learning to get out of his control, but when he uses the kids it is almost impossible.

    Counseling wouldn't help my ex. If you stay with him, you have to be very very strong as not to let him get to you.

    Take care and I feel for you. Your problem brought back many bad memories for me.

    Donna