need to vent about insensitivity

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by beansma, Apr 28, 2003.

  1. beansma

    beansma New Member

    Hi! I'm pretty new to these boards. It was in reading through here that I realized that my memory loss, slurred or 'boggled' speech and slow speech was caused by my FM. Now that I know, it has taken some of the worry off my mind, but it is (as I'm sure you all know) very disturbing. I feel very self conscious about it and it doesn't help when someone comments or looks at you like you are an idiot. Any way, Today at work my boss, who has been pretty good about my FM, But who also can be very insensitive, made a comment that really bothered me. I was trying to ask her a question and she kept answering (with the wrong answer) before I was even half way through the question. This is something she does to ME alot. I became irritated and said that if she would let me finish I wouldn't need to ask the same question so many times. Her response was a joke about my talking slow (which is not really slow, just slower than the average person) I can't remember the words that she used, because it was a couple hours ago and my memory doesn't allow me to remember that far back in detail, which is another thing that she has made jokes about. It's frustrating enough to have this problem WITHOUT someone making insensitive comments. I'm going to be off work for about 6 weeks starting in june for surgery, and I would like to use that time to find another job, but who is going to hire someone who can't even walk normal! Oh! I'm just having a bad day, but it is nice to find a place where everyone understands what I am going through!
    Thanks, Dawn
  2. Kelly12

    Kelly12 New Member

    Hi,

    I understand exactly what you are talking about. I went to
    a new Dr. today to get some tests arranged. By the time I got out of there I felt like I had been caught up in a whirlwind and I didn't have any of the answers I wanted.

    Hang in there, you have plenty of company in the CFS/FM world.

    Take Good Care

    Kel
  3. 2girls

    2girls New Member

    Hey Dawn -

    I think we are a hypersensitive bunch in every sense of the word. So often people say insensitive things. Most people let this roll off their backs and carry on. We cannot seem to do that as well (I'm workin' on it!).
    I hope the six weeks will give you time to decide what you want to do, but please don't let people get under your skin like that. They don't deserve your attention!

    2girls
  4. tansy

    tansy New Member

    I get lots of teasing, and unecessarily patronising or put down remarks, because my speech is so very often markedly effected.

    It can really upset me too especially on my bad days.

    I find people jump to the wrong conclusions when my speech is slurred, use the wrong words, cannot even find words, or what I wanted to say just does not come out right.

    Very often they think I'm drunk yet I can't and so don't drink alcohol.

    They underestimate my intelligence, those who do so most are not the most intelligent beings themselves.

    People constantly correct me, point out my intonation is wrong, pronounced things incorrectly +++++.

    Fortunately I spend the little energy I do have for conversation with a wonderful group of people who accept me as I am, who I am, and just accept these problems. The only comments they make are if they feel it's essential to clarify what I think I might have said.

    Maybe when you've calmed down it bit it would be worth talking to your boss and explaining how you feel. Don't get mad at her, just describe it from your perspective. If she's been good about your FM up till now she should be fairly responsive providing you put it to her the right way. Appeal to her better nature. Sometiomes people don't realise how much little off hand comments can hurt.

    Cheers

    Tansy
  5. skychomper

    skychomper Member


    I know how you feel about talking real slow and awkwardly.
    I had this problem for a couple of months when I first got sick. good news is that is goes away as you start feeling better. people are just insensitive about illnesses in the first place. sometimes that is my greatest source of anxiety in this illness... people using my illness as comedy material! argh! but I can tell you that if you tell them that its not appreciated, most will realize that making fun of "us" is a sick thing to do in the first place. feel better!
    -skychomper
  6. bejo

    bejo New Member

    I know how you feel.My husband loves to catch me forgetting something or saying something wrong.He was diagnosed with Alz.last Oct.and he thought I was the one who had it.To be honest until I found out that this is caused by fibro I was afraid it was me instead of him.It was a relief to find that it is normal for us.But it doesn't help having to live with it.Some people just like to put other people down.I know my husband gets a kick out of it.It just makes it worse when you have to try to hide it.I don't have any advice,but I can give you support.((((((hugs))))))) bejo
  7. Breel

    Breel New Member

    Hi Dawn, I understand completely what you are saying and I have had one of those really bad days today. I have been in so much pain and to top it off my boss was in an "insult Brenda" day. I have had fibromyalgia knowingly since 1993 and just diagnosed by a rheumatologist in June, 2002. I am on meds for the treatment of the fibro and I am on a depression medication called Lexapro. I also have high blood pressure, and IBS. I have been on this one job for almost 17 yrs. I work in a grocery store and I stand all eight hours. I do many other things that require a lot of bending, walking, using my math skills plus I have to use customer relation skills and good customer service skills because I am a front end manager. I sometimes get off work and just sit in my car and cry my eyes out. I have taken smart remarks, insults, and wise cracks all day from MY BOSS and the other managers. No, not from the customers, the people who are suppose to be my friends. My boss knows about my fibro; but he only said, "well, I have arthiritis and I know all about pain" Unfortunately they are not the same pain. I hope we have better days and I just want you to know that I have been going through this type of treatment for the past 16 yrs on my job; but I am too old to leave and I need my medical insurance for my medicine. God Bless You. Breel
  8. tannat

    tannat New Member

    Tansy gave you some good advise about talking to your boss about it, although you may want to write it down first, so the words are there in front of you when you talk to her, or you could just give her the note to read. This may take some pressure off of you (having what you want to say in front of you) so you can better express yourself

    I have started writing all the information I want to express or think someone may ask when I use the telephone. this way I'm not stumbling around when asked my ss number, phone number, etc..

    Tanna
  9. Sissy123

    Sissy123 New Member

    I have had a day just like you are describing. I had a Bible study, and a migraine yesterday, and I simply could not think or remember anything! I am so frustrated because I have a degree in business technology and I took 110 spelling test yet I find it hard to even think. I cant remember peoples names I have known for years, or events. I am very embarrassed about it, but as I read this site I become more accepting of my problem speaking and thinking and I will explain to others why I do this now. Others are not use to it. I use to be so sharp and had a quick wit. I find it very hard to find the words I am looking for and sometimes 2 words come out at once! I was trying to say moron and I said normon! A mixture of moron and nimrod, I guess. Anyway I have a doc appointment Wednesday and I am not looking forward to it because I know it is going to be just another, fibro/cfs day that the doc really doesnt have an answer for. If we keep voicing our concerns about this DD someone surely will listen and care. I have been having a really bad flare for about 4 weeks now and I am so tired and looking for answers. I just dont see much of a future when I cannot be me. I really feel for people that are parylized. Imagine what they are going through. And what about people in third world countries that have no health care? At least I get to see a doctor. I should feel better about that. I am so glad I have this place to go to now. I dont feel so alone anymore.
  10. RedB

    RedB New Member

    I am very sorry to hear that your boss was so insensitive today. When things like that happen to me, I'm sorry to say that I usually end up in tears.

    But, what I want to say to you is please don't jump the gun about getting a different job. You stated that your boss has been pretty good about your FM, and I don't know what kind of pain symptoms you have, but it is extremely hard to find a job that fits this DD. And even harder to find employers who understand.

    If you have it pretty good at this job as far as your capabilities are concerned, perhaps you can work things out with your boss to get her to understand the problems that you have.

    Hopefully, things will work out for you.

    Kathy

    P.S. I have the BAD habit of jumping in with an answer to things that I THINK someone is saying. I've been trying to work on the problem, because I realize that it is rude. Maybe your boss was just embarrased when you corrected her rudeness, and she came back at you with a jab.

    [This Message was Edited on 04/28/2003]
  11. beansma

    beansma New Member

    Hi! thanks for the reply's! I did read them tuesday morning before going into work and it helped me to stop and think about it and not be so sensitive. I am overly sensitive alot of the time and It really isn't just me that she (my boss) is like that to, she has upset a few people the last week with her comments. She basically is a very nice person but she can also be really rude at times. The past week has gotten better tho, I finally had a chance to just relax and do something for myself, me and my mom (who also has fm) went to a concert on wednesday of last week to see Art Garfunkle with the local symphony, it was wonderful!!! I am soo tired most of the time with working full time with 4 kids, that I'm sure has alot to do with being overly sensitive and getting out has made a big difference. anyway, Thanks for the input!
    Dawn
  12. dolsgirl

    dolsgirl New Member

    isn't your boss breaking the law by treating you that way? Do you have a doc's note on file at work saying you have fms and they need to make reasonable accomodations for you? If you do, then don't look for another job, complain to your companies Equal Employment Opportunity or go to the city/county one and do a formal complaint. Good luck. dolsgirl
  13. MemoryLane

    MemoryLane Member

    You may want to check out the Social Security Admin's program called "Ticket to Work". They work with employers who are willing to hire people with disabilities. Since they are trying to get people off Disability and back out into the workforce, they may be willing to work with someone not yet on Disability. Anyway, you can go to their website (ssa gov) and check out the program - it's worth a try. All they can do is say no - Right?

    Wishing Well,
    Lane
  14. Bambi

    Bambi New Member

    one hand the number of jobs I ever had including
    babysitting as a teen. I've made suggestions to
    my daughter though about her boss's inconsiderate (at times) behavior. This used to
    be someone that was considered a "friend". My
    daughter tells me that complaining or filing
    complaints will get them to change their behavior but then down the line they find little
    ways to get you to quit, just make the work environment so miserable you don't WANT to be
    there. She has always handled it with patience and slight sarcasm back (nothing anyone could put their finger on) and it always straightens out. So I'm not an expert, but I would think making formal complaints would be the last move.
    Hugs,Bambi
  15. bakron

    bakron New Member

    Insensitivity and Sensitivity - I think we all relate.

    I understand and I'm also very tired of having sentences finished, etc., and tired of people who make careless comments ("foot in mouth" disease) that hurt me.

    I agree with Tansy's comment regarding this. Since your boss has been doing fairly well with somewhat understanding the problem, I'd try to work it out with the boss. One thing to think about very seriously is that the stress of finding another job and starting another job can play havoc with your body.
  16. goingslowlycrazy

    goingslowlycrazy New Member

    ..."she has upset a few people the last week with her comments" so I think this says more about her and her attitude than her thoughts about you in particular.

    Goodness knows it hurts when people are insensitive but I tend to agree that it might be better for you to stay put.
    A case of 'maybe better the devil you know?' (an English saying...hope you understand it...)

    Try not to let it get you down honey,and good luck with the surgery.
    hugs
    Mary x