Need to vent

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Adl123, Aug 8, 2006.

  1. Adl123

    Adl123 New Member

    Dear All,
    Well, today you find me smarting from the latest visit from my "favorite" cousin.

    Here is a man who has been like a brother to me - until this visit. And who knows? Maybe he still is, I wouldn't know, I have no brothers.

    I told him before he came that I could not clean as much as I would like.( Besides CFIDS,Fibro, And Rheumatoid Arthritis, I've been in Congestive Heart Failure, and am very weak and totally exhausted.I pushed myself to clean as well as I could, all the time in pain and exhaustion. And, oh,yes, my back is out right now, too. My mind is tired because I've been going through a reverse mortgage- which I'm tempted not to do, since I can't keep my plae sparkling by myself- maybe I should sell and go to a tiny room somewhere).

    Anyway,he said not to worry. Then when he came, he told me my car needed to be cleaned and detaled. Frowning, he ran his finger over things and criticized. He told me that I needed to hire a cleaning service, and criticized. He even criticized the blouse I wore- a new one, in an effort to look nice. All in all, he left me embarrassed and humiliated.

    Doesn't he know that I would do all those things if I could afford them, and if I had the energy and strength? I'm going through a lot of anger and sense of loss, because now I won't let him come to see me for a long time. I'm too old to go through this. I don't deserve it. I do the best I can. Better to not have him around.

    Well, that's all. I just needed to talk to someone. Thanks for listening.

    Gratefully,
    Terry
    [This Message was Edited on 08/09/2006]
    [This Message was Edited on 08/09/2006]
  2. KMD90603

    KMD90603 New Member

    I'm sorry that your visit with your cousin was not what you had expected. He really needs to be more understanding of your limitations. I have just the CFIDS, and that ALONE is often too much for me. So I'm sure that with all of your ailments, it's difficult for you to make everything perfectly spotless. And, it's not fair for him to have such high expectations of you.

    In my opinion, I think it would be great if you could talk to him about how this visit made you feel. You seem to be very close with your cousin, so he should be able to respect what you have to say to him. He may feel defensive at first, but that's only human nature. I think you'll feel better if you can get things off your chest.

    Hope this helps,
    Kim
  3. sfrazier

    sfrazier New Member

    I think if he has always been like a brother to you I would eather give him a call or if you don't want to talk to him right now send him a letter to let him know how his visit made you feel and explain to him that if you could afford to have all those things done you would. Tell him how hurt you are and all of it. If he is really like a brother he will step up and appologize or maybe come over and clean your car or find someone to help you out a little bit. Does he know everything that you had going on that day as far as the congestive heart failure and the back be throw out? If not tell him. I wish you luck but don't think you'll need it once you talk to him. Good luck though.......SueF
  4. Adl123

    Adl123 New Member

    Yes, My cousin did know how I felt physically, and he also knew how I felt aas a result of his criticisms. We parted amicably, but he knew I was sad. When I said that he was like a brother to me, I meant that we had gotten along as adults and I thought he was not judgmentntal about me. I will always be grateful that he has phoned me at least once a month since my diagnosis.

    He is very affluent, and has a different set of values than I have. He lives about 3 hours away, and stops by on his way to see other people.I am one of the "old peole" that he visits once or twice a year. The 60 or 70 dollars it costs me to have my cottage cleaned once, is a drop in the bucket to him -less than the cost of one dinner. I'm at the point when I count my change.

    It is true that he has helped me do yardwork, and move, in the past, and I'm grateful for that. I thought he understood. I guess this is just another case of lack of understanding from those who aren't sick. I suppose I shouldn't have let it make me feel bad about myself, but it did. It made me feel "less" and an object of disgust. I'm just tired of buffering myself against those who belittle me. I'm just too tired.

    Thanks, again, for your ideas.

    Terry
  5. gnanny

    gnanny New Member

    sometimes people are just insensitive. If its someone who is close to you they speak more freely.

    I thibnk it would be best to drop him a little note saying you just had to mention a few things. A note keeps in non-confrontational. If he was standing right there he might become defensive automatically. This way he will have time to think about it first.

    I am sorry after all your efforts you were left feeling put down.
    take care, stephanie