Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Vada, Sep 2, 2005.

  1. Vada

    Vada New Member

    After seeing my therapist on Wednesday we both realized that one of the reasons I'm having such a hard time is because I have not allowed myself to accept that I have chronic mental illnesses: severe depression, qanxiety, paqnic disorder and agorophobia. It is much easier for me to accept that I have fibro, osteoarthritis and asthma.

    I'm not sure why this is happenning but I think that is due to the traumatic times over the last 2 years when others have found out and have caused me alot of emotional pain. I even lost my job due to these things. My mind tells me that I need to qaccept this but my heart has been broken and twisted so many times that I have not been able to face myself in the mirror without feeling incompetent, crazy, useless, etc. My therapist has told me that until I can accept this that anything I do to get better will have a possible negative outcome. I have always been the strong woman who has always taken care of everyone elses issues and not taken time to work on me. At times I get scared that I might, in my exploration, that I will not like myself and just decide to dump everything and let go. At other times I just want to curl up, take my meds and wish it would go away. It is pretty certain that I have had many of these conditions since I was born when my father "accidently" dropped me in the Miwssissippi River from a bridge. Supposedly he came immediately to my rescue but not until it was noted that I was going under for a 3rd time. This along with the sexual abuse stsarting at age 3 definitewly did not help me to be a "normal" person. At age 8 I had a severe head injury and lost all memories of what had gone on in my life after being pushed off a 12 foot slide and landing face down in cinderrs. I have never been able to trust people, especially negative ones. I only recently have been able to trust and rely on someone who is 20 years younger than me. I trust my husband but he doesn't really understand what I am going through but he is trying his best.

    So to end this epic saga, has anyone fewlt like this and if you do, how did/do wind up accepting and continue helping yourself? LaVada
  2. chopindog

    chopindog New Member

    Did you have symptoms of these psychological disorders before you became ill. I am just wondering, because some therapists don't understand FM and CFIDS so they might just say that all of the problem is psychological ie. all in your head. If that is what your therapist is saying. I would re-think if this therapist is right for you. This illness causes many of us to become depressed,have anxiety, and become hermits. The illness causes the psycological problems, not the other way around. Remember there are still many people out there who do not understand this DD, and do not believe in it. I hope your therapist is not one of them!
  3. susabar

    susabar New Member

    You are suffering from these mental illnesses due to the trauma and tragedies you have survived in your life. Your therapist is right you have to accept that you have these problems, but you are not at fault and should not ever believe that. This will be something you will always struggle with, I pray that it will get easier. I would suggest two things, if you don't know the Lord get to know him now. People ask, "How could God allow things like this to happen? " The answer is , he doesn't... this world is controlled by the wicked one.When you surrender your life to the Lord you will know perfect peace. Number two.. use your experiences to help someone else who has gone through the same thing. It will help you to heal as you soothe and help someone else!!! I think any Women's shelter or center is filled with these women who have had these experiences
    or is married to an abuser. I cannot imagine what you have been through and how damaging and unfair it was. Please ask the Lord tonight to take this horrible burden from you.
  4. Vada

    Vada New Member

    I was diagnosed with everything psychiatric way before I was dx with fibro. Actually my psychiatrist case load is over 50% women who are suffering from fibromylgia. My therapist is actually quite wonderful in working with me these last 3 years. The agorophobia is a new thing as far as dx but I believe it has always been with me only not as bad as lately.Neither of them believe it is my fault. They are trying to help me recognize that it is not such a horrible thing to be diagnosed with chronic mental illnesses. Thanks for responding.

    To my other respondee, i don't remember your name but thank you for responding so promptly. For me the subject of the Lord is a very touchy one. Due to the fact that when I was younger and everything bad was happening, I was constantly asking him to help me. I even asked my local minister but he refused to do anything ever.

    As an adult, when my father was dying, his new baptist minister sat me down and told me that my father had told him what he had done to me and that he would be forgiven by God since he had repented and that I should forgive him for what he was doing, especially since I was the only one that my father ever "touched" and with his having done many good deeds god would accept him into his "heaven".

    I had already drawn away from any form of religious beliefs by this time and felt horrified that if the Lord would allow my father to just walk away without any punishment that I never wanted anything more to do with him.

    However, in the last few years I have begun believing in the native american Great Spirit and his earthly "gods". With my heritage I realized that if this had been happening that my father would have suffered a great physical punishment and then banished forever. I would have been "fostered" with a kind, loving family.

    There were many times when my mother would tell my father ( oh, by the wazy my mother during my homelife had no problem whatsoever dragging me out of my bed in the middle of the night and bringing me into their bed so he could have 2 to do whatever) that she wished she could send me back to the reservation, I prayed to god that he would get her to do just that, but it didn't happen.

    So to let you know, I am glad that you have the "lord" helping you, but he has not helped me as far as I can see. I have searched may religions in my 50 years of life and just feel more comfortable in the native spirit lands. By the way, my name LaVada means Strong, courageous woman and I am trying to live up to that proud Lakota Indian name. LaVada
  5. mbofov

    mbofov Active Member

    Vada - you have certainly been through the wringer. You know, I think your depression, anxiety, panic etc. are all perfectly normal reactions to the trauma you have experienced. So I don't like putting the label of "mental illnesses" onto normal reactions to horrible trauma. That label implies to me that a person is defective somehow, or something is wrong with them, when actually they're experiencing what any person would after abuse.

    I was sexually abused by my father, and grew up thinking I was bad, and crazy, and not normal, and that something was horribly wrong with me because I wasn't happy and cheerful like I thought I was supposed to be and how society seems to tell everyone they should be.

    It took too many years for me to stop beating myself up because I thought I wasn't like everyone else, and to start accepting myself exactly how I was. If I became anxious or afraid, instead of fighting it, I'd tell myself that it was okay, that I felt that way for a reason, sexual abuse does that to a person - and I wasn't bad or defective. It's sort of like if you have polio as a child, you may end up with a limp. It doesn't mean someone is bad or defective.

    The ironic part is that once I stopped fighting my anxiety and fears, and accepted they were there for a reason, they stopped controlling me. And I'm now much less anxious than I used to be. But it's still there, and when it comes up, I try to roll with the punches and not fight it.

    I strongly recommend EMDR therapy (eye movement desensitization reprocessing) for people who have undergone trauma. It's worked extremely well for victims of wars and hurricanes and rape and sexual abuse, etc. I saw "regular" counselors for years with not much help. AFter I discovered EMDR about 7 or 8 years ago, my life really began to change, I began to get some joy out of life for almost the first time. There's a main website which has lots of information and will send you a list of therapists who are trained in EMDR. It works much faster than tradtiional therapy and its results last. You don't have to struggle with the same things over and over again.

    One more thing - I have the same trouble with God that you do. I came from a strict Catholic family, Catholic schools for 12 years, my dad would talk a lot about God, etc., it made me sick. So for all those who say God is always ready to help you, I don't believe them either. I do envy them though.

  6. puppyfreak

    puppyfreak New Member

    I began to have symptoms of FMS [back/neck/shoulder/hip pain] and neuropathy pain in my feet [from undiagnosed Autoimmune Vasculitis] in 1998. Both were diagnosed about the same time in early 2001. I had been refusing to alter my lifestyle to accomodate my conditons but with the diagnoses, I realized that I was going to have to do just that.
    And it involved some heavy-duty grieving for the healthy body I used to have and the active person I used to be. It wasn't so much having the illnesses that made me angry - it was the reality that my life would be forever altered by them in ways I didn't want to accept.
    And this came right after 10 years of therapy dealing with a lifetime of abuse stuff and severe dissociative symptoms.
    So...after about a year of feeling sorry for myself and being really angry, I began to adjust my lifestyle around the pain and limited mobility. There are things I may never do again because of those but my life isn't over by a long shot so I'm NOT ready to say 'never' to anything yet!
    It's hard - no denying that! Take support from wherever you can!


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