Needing You All Today...

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by kimfibro, Apr 25, 2006.

  1. kimfibro

    kimfibro New Member

    i've had a mild flare going on for 2 days. not horrible.
    i am also the one who posted about my employer revealing on an employee call list posted around and passed out to them all that i have fm. it was suddenly printed next to my name!

    so i've been flaring, upset about work, very down in the dumps about my 8 yr old son, worrying about income. my son in the past year has been down on himself when prior to that he was a very confident boy. we do go to counseling weekly to help with this. very upsetting but was told he'd come out of it slowly, that he's very advanced, nothing serious to worry about as far as his future state of mind.

    so last night after his first little league game he got in the car, told me he thinks he's fat, that he let his team down, that he's going to pay me back for joining...asked him if he meant he's quitting the team and thankfully he said no. he's also "feeling" he doesn't fit in anywhere!!
    anyway, it's being addressed like i said w/counseling since the fall. slow process.
    i had an absolute meltdown in the car driving home. i cried and cried. just COULD NOT hold anything in. he ended up feeling SO responsible for that too! in short, we ended up crying each other to sleep. and i feel so LOW today. between the flare, the problem at work, and my son i cried so much that my eyes this a.m. look as tho they were each stung by bees; i continued to cry after he slept.

    guess i'm reaching out to you all. haven't had this kind of crash in years. probably when i filed for divorce and felt so badly for my son doing it. certainly the RIGHT thing to do, don't get me wrong.

    i'll stop now. just looking for help and understanding.
  2. IntuneJune

    IntuneJune New Member

    Wish my words could help, know that I will remember you and your son in my prayers today.

    I will try to find the post about your employer posting your medical information on a call list....... of course that is illegal, immoral.

    But what I did feel from your post is how much you are "there" for your son. Time passes, things will change.

    Hang in there, with each other.

    Love, June
  3. mme_curie68

    mme_curie68 New Member

    So sorry to hear you had such a bad day.

    I have definitely been there. I can identify with your feelings and your son's feelings.

    I was a "different" child. Very bright and very sensitive. I always felt like I didn't fit in and I was very depressed from the age of 7 on. Depression runs in my family - I thought it was just "me" and that the world was against me - I didn't learn that I had a biological chemical imbalance until I was in my early 20's.

    I would urge you to consider taking him for evaluation by a pediatric psychiatrist. Kids can be treated with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and medication, if needed, to correct an organic (biologically-based) chemical imbalance.

    As a parent, I know what it is to hurt when your kids are hurting. You want to take the pain away so badly and you can't. Being there for your son, to support him and listen to him is very important, even if you don't feel like it is helping him, it is.

    I don't advocate medicating kids willy-nilly. But having your child appropriately treated for an underlying biological disorder can be very important. There is a very strong association between untreated depression in childhood and development of more complex disorders (bipolar) in adulthood.

    I am convinced that I should have been treated with counseling and drug therapy and maybe that would have kept me from self-medicating with food first and then alcohol as soon as I could get my hands on it on a regular basis (at 14).

    Hugs,
    Madame Curie
  4. ABLUV

    ABLUV New Member

    I'm so sorry for your pain and your son's broken heart. I remember how I felt when my Mom and Dad divorced (I was 10). Even though I knew it was for the best, I felt like the sun stopped shining. I was depressed for a long time and searched for relief from pain in the wrong way. I'm so glad your son feels he can talk to you and cry with you. Keep him talking to you and the counselor. Read books on helping yourself and your child adjust to this big change (I saw some at a Christian bookstore) or ask your counselor for a book that may help, also sometimes it helps to have the counselor give you an assignment between sessions.

    Here's a suggestion that you could ask your counselor about: You and your son look at a calandar and pick a day for fun. You could call it "HAPPY DAY" or something like that. On Happy day, do fun & inexpensive things; make a rule that we will let the sad things take a back seat for today and talk about them tomorrow. On the days leading up to Happy Day you can still talk about sad things but try to end the day with how you want to spend happy day. Plan the day together and talk about how much you are looking forward to your special time together.

    Ideas for Happy Day: go fishing, pic nic at a park, play board games or video games, story time at local library, swimming, play tag and let him catch you, ticklefest, collect jokes to tell each other that day (there's lots of websites with clean jokes & knock knock jokes), camp out in the back yard, go to the beach, be sure to have film to take pictures then take turns making funny faces on film, buy supplies to make your own pizza or submarine sandwiches, face painting, crafts, fly a kite, build a house out of cards or popcicle sticks (craft store has sticks), send jokes to far away relatives, hide notes all over the house then send him to find them, bake brownies together, tell funny stories from childhood, rent funny movie (libraries also have videos), play twister, color in a coloring book, jigsaw puzzle, watergun fight or water balloon fight, go to a remote place and scream at all the bad stuff, write a play for two people then video it (borrow a video cam & make costumes), video a puppet show, have a cracker eating contest (eat 5 crackers and see who can whistle first & have a small prize for the winner), I think you get the idea....if your counselor thinks this is a good idea, then go for it....

    I'll be praying for ya! Abluv
  5. Callum

    Callum New Member

    Both you and your son are in pain, but you both seem like your relationship with each other is incredible for a mother & son. Even in your illness, he can share is feelings of inadequacy (which is huge for a male child, who society teaches to cover those feelings up) with you. Good for both of you. I know that, because of our illnesses, we can feel like we let our family down. But the fact he can share like that - you're definitely doing something great!

    I hope this flare-up passes soon.

    Best of luck!
  6. mylilcherub428

    mylilcherub428 New Member

    You are goin thru a bad time. I had a terrible day also yesterday. But i don't even wanna tell ya about it cuz I'm sick of crying. I really feel like we should get together.I probably won't have any more kids so mabe your son could be the big brother my daugter lexi never had . He could help her fly her kite she would look up to him. I don't know mabe it sounds crazy. But it sounds like we could both use a friend and mabe it will help your son too. Again sorry to hear yor not doin so good wish I had some advice for you. But let me know what you think about getting together your friend kim
  7. kimfibro

    kimfibro New Member

    i got him off to school with the promise that i would meet him there with our neighbor's dog and walk back home together...told him she (the dog) is like our little sister and that sent him walking into school with a smile.

    it's so so very difficult. i lost my mother at the age of 62 three years ago to uterine cancer. my mother in law died suddenly when my son was 1 1/2 yrs old. so lots of times i feel this huge void beside me. and him. his father has been an absent parent for going the past 3 yrs or so. this has done quite a bit of damage.

    the medication part is what i hope will never ever be for him. the psychotherapist we see now does not think this will be necessary for him. thank God. but he did reinforce that my son is going through a depression and that things take time.

    i left a msg with the psych. this morning asking him for his recommendation of a therapist for myself. i also asked if it would be possible for my son to see him alone twice a month instead of once a month. it goes: 2 visits together, one visit alone for son, one visit alone for me. it's the psych's call of course and i respect and trust his judgment. we were lucky to find such a good one right off the bat in the fall.

    thanks again for your input. i've already had a mini crying session after i posted the first time and after he went to school. i feel as though i'm drowning in many ways. i feel i'm letting him down.

    luv to you all. little cherub, yes, when i feel more up to it we should try to chat on the phone! thanks.
  8. kimfibro

    kimfibro New Member

    you poor thing. i know my mother had bouts of depression as well. her mother, well, i think there was something there too. things don't look 'troubled' on the surface sometimes, ya know?

    i am so glad that you rec'd the treatment you needed. did something happen to you or in your family at about the age of 7? just wondering about that...

    you sought the treatment and can always look ahead now. that's the positive here and i'm thankful you shared that with me.

    it's good to know we can rely on this site in trust, confidence and on our good days AND bad!!
  9. belly_acres

    belly_acres New Member

    Sometimes when one thing goes bad it seems like everything follows. One thing I do with my twin girls is to tell them that sometimes life just seems overwhelming and that crying can help us keep that balance - it lets go of the load for awhile and we can focus more clearly after. I think you should let your son know that it's ok to cry when your feeling overwhelmed - it's a normal response to protect our emotional self. Yesterday I had 1 daughter home sick and I was so busy with stuff and I had forgotton to mail a very important paper. I looked at my daughter and she said - Mom just take some time to cry - it's okay and you'll feel better. So I did and she was right - she's 9 and seems to get so much more about life than I do sometimes!

    Hope things get better today - and I love the happy day idea that was posted - I think it will become a monthly ritual in our house!!!!!

    Cori
  10. Zzzsharn

    Zzzsharn New Member

    Just wanted to let you know, you aren't alone.

    I divorced when my daughter was 2- She started having problems at about 3...

    She is 9 now and has been in counseling for 6 years.. we've had to change psycs a few times to find one SHE was comfortable with, even had home based therapy (therapist come to the house, they go to the park, McDonalds..) which was wonderful for her.. they really found a way to let her open up and trust them. It was a good experience and my health ins covered it.

    And then the weight gain.. now she thinks she's fat and it is SOO hurtful to see your child suffer.. By stuffing their face with food, and then feeling guilty and then not wanting to eat at all..

    It just breaks your heart.

    You go ahead and cry, I know I do...

    I'll keep you and your son in my prayers.

    Zzz
  11. Adl123

    Adl123 New Member

    Deear Kim,
    I'm so sorry things are so hard right now.

    I was thinking about what you wrote, and I think it is a good thing, that you are so close with your son. Some people would say that you should never let him see you cry. I think that is a mistake. My parents never shared anything sad with me, and my mom, up to the day she died, never let me see her cry. This makes a child feel left out.

    Your son sounds like he is taking on too much,however, as far as resonsibility, but that fact also shows what a good job you have done in raising him ,because he is already more compassionate and open than most men seem to be.

    Please, just be sure he does not take responsibility for things that he cannot change, or that are not his fault. I was a teacher for over 40 years, and I have seen both ends of the spectrum - children who were too protected, and children who were not protected enough. It is hard to find the middle road.

    You obviously love him dearly and are very close to him. Why don't you build up his self confidence by reminding him of how strong he is and how proud you are of him? And explain that sometimes you have setacks, because of your illness. No matter what parents say, many children will still blame themselves for things that are wrong. He will need to be told, over and over again. And don't let him be "the man of the house". He cannot fix what is wrong, even though he will want to, and he will just end up feeling worse..

    God bless you both,
    Terry
  12. kimfibro

    kimfibro New Member

    yes, my son knows that crying is natural, okay and good for you. he, in my opinion, doesn't do enough of it for a child his age in general..

    he still gets very upset tho when i do cry. he has that point of view that he's responsible. i convey to him that, no, he's not responsible. said that i was crying because i felt overwhelmed with some things and that i want him to happy; that we'll work thru things together.

    i don't think i did and said exactly what i should have during that ride home. i feel like i hurt his feelings while, in vain, trying to encourage him. he did tell me that he overheard a team member say that he wasn't good! okay, that can start the ball rolling. i think there were 2 or 3 actual hits from his team during this 6 inning game!!! they're only 8, ya know? tried to explain that too but i just couldn't get thru.

    i never want him to feel responsible for things at home as far as i go....i know that's so very wrong and don't do it. guys, i have not once bad-mouthed his father all these years to him like i know was the right thing to do. but being 8 he's beginning to question things in an adult way and knew i'd need help......

    this site is a Godsend. i felt it before but never like i do today and i thank you for listening!
  13. NyroFan

    NyroFan New Member

    Kimfibro:
    You are doing all the right things. Divorce is hard on kids, but in having general conversation with them and honestly explaining the situation: they may be more settled with it.

    You are with your son. The thought of both of you crying
    your eyes out last night broke my heart. Maybe you let out all the tears and he did also.

    If I was in that situation I would turn it around now and be more jovial with him and even make light of the crying episode. You can come here with your pain, but I would not drag your son into it. And vice-versa.

    You both need comfort and the bond between mother and son can be very strong. Since you are or will be going to counseling you both can identify your individual problems and not let each other get you down.

    Fret, not. This will pass and you will make each day brighter for your son. Too young for so much pain.
    And for you, too. He will also make your day brighter.
    Maybe you both can do something you both enjoy or go on a shopping spree with him. (Nothing like a good shopping day to perk me up).

    And here, for you and your son,

    (((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))

    my best to you,
    nyrofan
  14. srh

    srh New Member

    So sorry you had such a bad day. My love & prayers are with you.

    Hang in there. Everything will get better. My middle son was born without thumbs, (then had his fingers surgically redone to make him some.)

    Anyway kids used to of course tease him when he was younger, but before long he was right in there with the rest of them. (Usually the popular or rich ones).

    So don't give up. Take each day one at a time and have faith it will all get better.

    Hugs.........