New here, my story.

Discussion in 'General Health & Wellness' started by Beloved Monster, Sep 29, 2009.

  1. Beloved Monster

    Beloved Monster New Member

    My story with major depression/anxiety/panic starts back when I first got pregnant with my son who is now 20 months old. I was working 40 hours a week, going to school 40 hours a week and still needed to fulfill my other responsibilities like spend time with my boyfriend and find time for my family and friends.

    And one day it seemed like everything was so overwhelming I couldn't control myself. I got through work okay, and then when I was at school every day for about a month I had to leave during lunch. I'd have a panic attack and just couldn't face people for the day anymore. Went to doctors and doctors to try to get some help, some relief of the constant panic I felt. I've never had a regular period so finally a doctor asked me if I could be pregnant. I got a test and it was positive. I finally found a doctor who started helping me and gave me Ativan to help with the panic. It got better but never cured.

    After my son was born I fell into a really deep post-partum depression. I wouldn't eat, couldn't sleep. Couldn't even bring myself to ask for help. Wouldn't even admit that I was depressed, I couldn't see that I was. Eventually about 4-6 months later I started feeling better. Not long after that though I noticed I was going through cycles where I couldn't sleep and then I'd fall into a depression again. One night I couldn't sleep and admittedly couldn't find another way to sleep but to take a bunch of Tylenol PM, some alcohol. It didn't work, I couldn't take it anymore and I wouldn't talk to anyone about what was happening. I cut my wrists. I couldn't take it anymore even with as much as I love my son. I was taken to the hospital (I finally passed out) and woke up in the hospital. My boyfriend was happy to see me awake and I was in sort of a shock feeling, like I didn't know what was going on.

    The hospital had done a urine analyis and found out I was pregnant again. I couldn't do anything but sit there in shock...

    This pregnancy was even worse. We hit some really hard financial times which was stressful enough but I couldn't afford to go to therapy anymore. I went through periods where I wouldn't speak to anyone, just my son for long stretches of time. Obviously I had taken a toll on the relationship with my boyfriend who always wanted to help but I never let him. He has his own share of problems and I wasn't helping at all. He started going out with friends or trying to pick up work where he could. Even though I wouldn't let him help me or even talk to him everytime he left the house I felt abandoned.

    The worst part of my story is one night he had left, I couldn't sleep again. I had been up all night crying, trying not to end up in the hospital again. He came home (I'd been staying in a different room with my son) and I think a door closing or something woke our son up. It annoyed me but I got him back to sleep. A couple hours later he woke our son up by listening to music...I lost it.

    I started beating on the door, told him if he could wake our son up, he could watch him. He was getting ready for bed and refused. I started getting violent to the point where he had to defend himself. 8 months pregnant he accidentally hit me in the stomach and I freaked out. I called 911 and told them what had happened. Well, the story of what was happening in my mind was different than what actually happened...In my mind I was fighting my boyfriend and in my mind he was trying to hurt me and our unborn child. Unfortunately I told the cops this and he was arrested and there was a no contact order put in place.

    I was able to get it so he could be there at the birth of our daughter (which was 2 1/2 months ago) and have since tried to drop the no contact order but since the "case is serious" they wont drop it. The court system wont even try to understand that my mind made the fear up out of depression and panic, not to mention the pregnancy hormones and not sleeping. Also, the children are only allowed to see him on fully supervised visits. Which is awful because I know he loves our kids.

    I only get to see him on court dates and we aren't allowed to talk so mostly I just sit there and cry and try to hold myself together. It's so hard being away from him and our home (I was the one who had to move out). We've only been together for 3 years but we were inseparable friends for 4 years before that.

    Even though I'm in therapy again I can't seem to control my depression and panic. Obviously I don't get enough sleep with two little ones and being the only one to care for them. I have an appointmet with a doctor to maybe get some more Ativan. I've tried anti-depressants and they just make me worse, so I have a very real fear of trying anymore of them.

    Another thing that is constantly going through my mind is that although the children are living with me and I do everything a parent should do ( I keep a pretty steady mood when the children are awake.) the courts could remove my children from me just like they did to their dad.

    Everything feels like its moving so slowly, court about the children doesn't happen until mid- November and their dads criminal case does'nt happen till the end of November.

    Sorry for the long post, I think I just needed to write it all out....

    -Beloved Monster
  2. TwoCatDoctors

    TwoCatDoctors New Member

    Let's talk honestly.

    You have had mental health issues for a long time and have totally ignored them all along and in fact it put you in the hospital. Mental health issues impact the ones around us and it is at a point in your life where so much has happened that you can't ignore your mental health issues any longer--you need long-term help. So remember that your mental issues not only impacted your boyfriend, they impact your child. AND children see and hear far more than we give them credit for and they sense the tension in the household--it is not good for them to witness all the discord.

    You need a good doctor's physical and blood work (which you may already have had since you are pregnant again). That physical looks for many things all over your body and also vaginally, and the blood work looks for many things in your various hormones and other areas.

    In your case it is probably not a good idea to keep giving birth to children when your mental health problems are not stabilized. Children do deserve the happiest of homes and parent/parents who can provide them with unconditional love and a non fighting household. So if you and ANY boyfriend cannot practice birth control, either practice abstinence or get a tubal ligation (which can be done immediately after giving birth) so you are not bringing child after child into a world where you have ignored your mental health problems and your mental health runs out of control on a regular basis. Although you are getting therapy now, you have to stay with it. I wish you would see a psychiatrist to diagnose and figure out what's happening.

    You went through a really bad post partum depression and yet are pregnant again. You cannot let yourself go into that bad post-partum depression again AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO, particularly when you will now have TWO children to take care of. It will take mental health medication and getting care through a psychiatrist to help you through the post-partum depression. Although you are into therapy, it takes you staying with it for probably a year for more. I wish you were also seeing a psychiatrist to truly diagnose you. There are some meds you can take while pregnant and that is something to consider. You're a loose cannon and you can't keep going through life as you have and expose your children to what you have.

    Can your children be removed from you--yes. Is it possible your boyfriend may give up and walk away--yes. These two things should be enough motivation for you to know you have mental health problems and to stick with professional help for at least a year or more to get diagnosed and get long-term help. Some people have mental health problems for the rest of their life. Good luck.

    I forgot to mention, there are free/low cost mental health care and below is info on that:

    To find your local NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) and seek support groups, and possible free/low cost mental health care, check out the safe site below:

    Below is a site for free health clinics. Go on the link and then click on your state, then scroll down to find a location near you. Find out if you have to make an appointment or if you have to just show up and wait in line.

    Some churches will help you, even if you do not attend church there.

    If you are sick, injured or in pain, go to a public hospital and they are not permitted to turn you away.

    As to prescriptions, I don't know if they will provide free prescriptions.

    Here are some sites where you can apply for free/low cost prescriptions but it takes a while to get them and you have to have paperwork filled out and your doctor (the clinic) would have to sign the paperwork too.

    PPA/Partnership for Prescription Assistance - Brings together America’s pharmaceutical companies, doctors, patient advocacy organizations and civic groups to help low-income, uninsured patients get free or nearly free brand-name medicines. - Organization which helps patients learn about patient assistance programs. THEY CAN NOT ANSWER CALLS CONCERNING INDIVIDUAL REQUESTS FOR ASSISTANCE, they can provide information only. They are not a provider.

    RX Assist - Searchable database by company, brand name, generic name and drug class which includes eligibility and application instructions.

    RX Hope - The only patient assistance Internet initiative financially supported by PhRMA (Pharmaceutical and Research Manufacturers of America) and participating pharmaceutical companies.

    RX Outreach

    Here are sites for and about low cost/no cost prescriptions. You can go to the bottom of the page for the safe link and when you go into the link you can pick which one and click and it will take you there.


    Benefits Check Up - Provides individuals 55 and over with a confidential personalized report of public and private programs that can help save money on prescription drugs.

    Canada - Need some cost breaks on your scrips? Try out-of-country.

    RX 4US - By negotiating on your behalf with a network of licensed Canadian pharmacies they bring you good prices and reliable Canadian drug service.

    Costco Pharmacy Online - Online pharmacy to purchase drugs, vitamins and get health info.

    Consumer Reports Best Buy Drugs - Reports and information to guide consumers and doctors in making more cost effective prescription drug choices.

    Consumer Reports Drug Reports - Combines an expert review of the scientific evidence on prescription drugs with their prices. Compare and contrast prescription drugs by category - that is, drugs in the same class that are used to treat a specific condition or illness such as high blood pressure, high cholesterol, allergies, coronary artery disease, heartburn or depression. The reports can be easily and quickly downloaded as attractive PDFs to print out and discuss with your doctor.

    Disability Prescription Drug Resources -

    Indigent Prescription Programs -

    FDA – Buying Medicines And Medical Products Online -

    FDA – Consumer Education - What You Should Know About Buying and Using DrugProducts -

    FDA – Saving Money On Prescription Drugs - - Sponsored by a non-profit organization to help all Americans cut their prescription drug costs. Simply download your FREE Prescription Drug Card and receive savings of up to 75% at more than 50,000 national and regional pharmacies. This Prescription Card is not Insurance, is pre-activated and can be used immediately.

    Free Medicine Program - Helps patients in obtaining prescription drugs and medications absolutely free of charge.

    Helping Patients - Interactive website designed to help providers/patients find patient assistance programs

    Medicare Prescription Drug Info Search - Allows you to search for programs (both private and government) based on where you live

    Guide to Choosing a Medicare Approved Drug Discount Card -

    Medication Foundation - Information clearinghouse for low cost and no cost prescription drug programs.

    Medicine for Free - NOTE: This site charges a $9.99 subscription fee

    Medicine Express - Designed to help senior citizens or anyone who does not have any prescription coverage and are having trouble financially obtaining the medicines they need.

    State Pharmaceutical Assistance Programs - - Organization which helps patients learn about patient assistance programs. THEY CAN NOT ANSWER CALLS CONCERNING INDIVIDUAL REQUESTS FOR ASSISTANCE, they can provide information only. They are not a provider.

    Pfizer Sharecard - Pfizer Sharecard is especially beneficial for Medicare recipients and provides Pfizer Pharmaceuticals at a greatly reduced rate. Take the qualification test to see if you can benefit. - Compare prescription drug prices for more than 1,000 medications.

    PHRMA/Pharmaceutical Research and Mfgs. of America - Pharmaceutical Research and Manufacturers of America, a detailed listing of programs and contacts. - Info on state and federal funded prescription programs

    RX Assist - Searchable database by company, brand name, generic name and drug class which includes eligibility and application instructions.

    RX Hope - The only patient assistance Internet initiative financially supported by PhRMA (Pharmaceutical and Research Manufacturers of America) and participating pharmaceutical companies.

    RX Outreach -

    America’s Guide to Save – Buying Prescription Drugs Online -

    ScriptSave - The ScriptSave card offers prescription drug savings for the entire household, as well as free access to health and wellness information.

    Medicine - An organization which assists patients, with help from the physicians, to enroll in patient assistance programs.

    Together RX Access Card - A free prescription-savings card for eligible residents of the United States and Puerto Rico who have no prescription drug coverage.

    Medical Discounts International Inc -

    AAA Prescription Savings Program - Free with AAA membership. Save average of 20% on prescriptions. No deductables or co-pays. Simply present your AAA Prescription Savings card at a participating pharmacy for the discount.

    BenefitsCheckUpRX -

    PPA/Partnership for Prescription Assistance - The Partnership for Prescription Assistance brings together America's pharmaceutical companies, doctors, other health care providers, patient advocacy organizations and community groups to help qualifying patients who lack prescription coverage get the medicines they need through the public or private program that's right for them. Many will get them free or nearly free. To access the Partnership for Prescription Assistance by phone, you can call toll-free at 1-888-477-2669.

    [This Message was Edited on 09/30/2009]
  3. Beloved Monster

    Beloved Monster New Member

    I've already had our second child, shes two months old already. And believe me neither child was planned and we did use birth control, but no birth control is 100% effective.

    I tried to get meds when I was pregnant but doctors wouldn't give me them. I have an appointment late October with a psychatrist and have been in therapy since before my son was born but we couldn't afford gas to get me to therapy when I was pregnant.

    And I couldn't have my tubes tied after she was born, she was a c-section and earlier in the pregnancy I had to have my appendix removed so the doctor wasn't comfortable with basically having 3 surgeries in a period of 2 months.

    And I would like to mention that just because a parent or parents have mental health issues doesn't mean that they aren't good parents or aren't good people.

    *Also this post was supposed to be under the depression board but apparently I didn't click right.
  4. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the board. If you cut and paste, you can move your messages
    to the depression board.

    I looked at your profile. See you are a Hawkeye. I am a gopher. Grew up
    in Minnesota, but was born in Decorah. Used to go swimming there
    when I was a kid cause our village didn't have a swimming pool. All our
    practice teachers came from Luther College.

    Have you tried anti-depressant supplements? I've had good results with Vitamin
    D3 (5000 IUs a day) and the Vitamin B12 patch that is worn one day a week. I
    used to take Xanax for anxiety.

    If you read my profile you can see what else I've tried and what has helped. Might
    be some things you would like to try. You can check on line to see if a support
    group like Emotions Anonymous or NAMI meets near you.

    Good luck

  5. TwoCatDoctors

    TwoCatDoctors New Member

    I'm on the Depression Board

    You are right that a parent/parents with mental health issues doesn't automatically mean they aren't good parents, BUT IT DOESN'T AUTOMATICALLY MEAN THEY ARE GOOD PARENTS. You have to work at being a good parent. And working at it means being willing to handle the mental health issues and how hard the person works to safely handle and defuse the problems and issues in their life that would normally set them off. That's a part of what makes them a good parent.

    What you overlooked is that when you were overdoing it on Tylenol, and that didn't do it and you went to alcohol and that didn't do it so you slit your wrists and wound up in the hospital. That's a big problem. Another problem is when you got so mad at your boyfriend with his music that you became violent and it ended up with police. These do not help you towards being a good parent. Children don't deserve to live with that. So work hard in therapy, accept whatever mental health meds and STAY WITH IT. You can do it and it will feel good to have some tools to learn to resolve problems.

    Also for many with birth control problems, the woman uses birth control and the man always uses condoms and it is a double birth control and may prevent further pregnancies.

    Good luck and hugs.