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Discussion in 'Caregivers' started by deeken, Jun 8, 2004.

  1. deeken

    deeken New Member

    caretaker to my dad 69 yrs old dianetic he is in bad shape wheelcahir vision trouble and he was taken to hospital june 3rd for urinary tratc infection that effected his mantal state
    I need help here
    I am so lost and alone none of my family wants to lift a finger to help memy hubby is here but he works all day
    I myself have fibromyalgia and heart trouble
    I do nto knwo what to do feel like running away
    been taking care of him since november and have not had a break
  2. paintergal

    paintergal New Member

    Hi. I see you are new to the board. We were all new once. When I first found this site, I read all the posts I could before I actually wrote one myself. It took more than a few days to do this, but I didn't want to write or comment on something I knew many people had already written about. I know you might feel very alone in your troubles, but you would be surprised to see all the similar posts to yours. I would suggest that you take a few days and read all the posts you can. I'm sure you will feel some comfort knowing others on this board are going through similar circumstances. Many relatives like yours suddenly vanish when a family member needs serious care. No offense, but join the club. There really aren't any clear cut answers to everyone's situation. Read the past posts and see if something begins to ring true for you and you will have a better idea of what steps are necessary. There is some really sound advice on these pages, let me tell you!
    -Tina
  3. peterle

    peterle New Member

    Reading your post is opening a still fresh wound...... I understand what you are feeling.....I was taking care of my husband, 70 years old, after he had a stroke in Dec,2002 and I have to say, it is hard to admitt that we are not superwoman.
    I ,now ,instead of beeing the main care giver am in need of caregiving.. I just did not believe what others told me. But this is what was a great help to me during the last 15 months:
    Does your father have Medicare? Find out if he will quallify for one of their programs such as QMB,...Talk to social worker at the hospital to a socialworker at your local Department for Human Services, to your doctor.. See if you can get in touch with the Area Agency on Aging. Find out what help he is qualified for. Through DHS and Area Agency on Aging I recieved home health care for husband. It has to be prescribed by his primary physichan, but, once I ask for it ,we recieved help for six hours a day .Two were Respite.. aimed at relieving me and freeing me up to relax or go someplace, and 4 hrs added on for home care such as bath time, laundry ,picking up his room and most of all company for my husband who needed 24hr care.
    I also got a beeper for him to wear, a Lifeline to the local hospital. It worked great when we needed to get help for him
    He also got " Meals on Wheels" not always to his liking but it did give him a variety of foods and I usually added some peppers or hot saucce or pickle etc. and it went well for most days.
    You can also get bed pads and depents/pullups for your father if he needs them.
    Also a nurse would come to the house during the times that he had urinary track ifection, he also recieved physicall therapy most the time.
    It is all controlled by what medicare will pay for and for how long. In time I actually managed to get a couple hours of naptime in or watch a movie or just go outside and sit in the yard.
    In time it was not enough yet a great help, for my own body just refused to cooperate any longer.....He suggested and agreed to going into a nursing home and that is where he is now. Not totally happy, but enjoying the attention he is getting and me? I am finally not have to worry anymore if I gave him his meds this morning will he fall because I am not strong enough to lift and hold him etc...
    You will have to decide for yourself how long you can safely do this ; safely for yourself and safely for your father.....But please do check with DHS, you might get a some help and every little bit helps..............
    You could also try for Adult Day care,...you need to get all the free time that you can obtain.
    My initional downfall was I that I thought that I had to do it all by myself do to circumstances, for everybody had their own problems to tackle........so..
    Well this got longer then intented,but please look for help !!!!
    Sorry if I misspelled lot of words, but the brain is fogged in today and every day ,at least so it seems..

    Gentle hugs.......and please do post again, we care..............







  4. deeken

    deeken New Member

    Thank you for the replys
    My dad does have medicare part A and B
    Whats is QMB ? Not sure what this stands for
    lets see my spelling is aweful gee my first post is a mess
    anyhow I have spoken to doctor about health care aid for when he comes home . and Hopefully I get this
    he has a pysical theraphist that was coming 2 times a week
    right now he will be staying in hospiatl at least another week
    I have spoken to social worker at hospital about respite also, I know I am exhausted and he may have been in hospital since june 3rd but my body is still exhausted , never mind my emotions
    he keeps calling telling me get him out of there
    I told him he has to stay till they discharge him
    tuesday we will meet with doctor and social worker and discuss discharge plans with him
    he will have to agree with them or I do nto know what will be done
    he was throwing his medication in the trash and then he refuses to take his insulin right way
    he got very hostile lets see starting memorial day right up till june 3rd he had uti that effected his mental state and he was tlaking suicidal threats on himself
    he was also planning he was going to rent a car drive 4 hours away and run my mom over with the car
    they have been divorced for 25 yrs or more
    he had plans to blow up my sisters house and then go to my brother
    it was a mess here
    so when he got to er they found uti and blamed his mental state on uti
    he is doing much better
    but he can not come home yet
    I need all the help I can get
    I ahve gone to see him everyday since he is there , lastnight I told him I was not coming today (friday) I will be bakc saturday
    I am very tired
    Dee
  5. peterle

    peterle New Member

    My husband had come up with similuar problems and he has medications for it. He also has sundowners which does not help matters. But as long he gets his meds he is in control most the time.. He also has meds for depression. It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that the man sitting in front of me did not more react or act the way I was used to for 48 years. But that is life. QMB is a state programm that will pick up most of the 20% that medicare does not cover Again ask your social worker what is available in your state and your situation. Please do not hesitate to ask questions, no matter how stupid or uninformed they might make you sound. You will get answers. Most people that can help you have a great attitude and really take their job serious. I was suprised and still am , because even now , with him in a home I get great input and nobody so far has put me down for needing help.Some times I get more information at one time then what I can digest, but but even when asking for a second or third time the questions I still get a smile and sincere answer in return. And that helps, because we do feel sooo alone and confused. You will find your way through this maze and make the right decissions for yourself and your father and husband. Take care of yourself, for nobody else can. Hubby will do a great job supporting you in your decissions i 'm sure. But you have to watch out for yourself, I learned it the hard way........... So take care U.J.G.
    [This Message was Edited on 06/11/2004]
  6. deeken

    deeken New Member

    well the social worker told me he can not go to respite from hospital due to the reason he is in hospital and that is suicidel threats so he has to come home first and I will have to arrange respite for him
    i am not at all ready for this at this time maybe by the 24th I will be fine , who knows
  7. peterle

    peterle New Member

    How are you doing today ?
    Hope you manage to relax a bit.And how is your father?
    Are things getting better for him ?Are they keeping him in the hospital now for his infection or because of his mental attitude?
    When hubby was acting up I finally had to put my foot down ,and once I told him several times that I was not going to put up with that kind of bull, and it was up to him to help make an unhappy situation somewhat easier on all of us, well slowly with a lot of testing me on his side, things got better. I made also clear to him ,that I was not going to live in fear of my life, so when I would become unsure of my safety or the safety of others around us,I would find an other way to take care of his needs . Was I glad that his meds kept things under control, but he kept testing me and see if I would stick to my guns when I had to tell him no about something.
    Will the doctor have him maybe see somebody in the mental heath care field ? Would be a great help to you. Somebody really needs to acess if his problem really just came from the UTI or if he is depressed and . there are medications that really are of great help. It's the pitts ,when you have to hide all sharp objects and only serve in plastic ware and make sure that there are no length of rope or belts in reach......been there done it..

    Well if you feel like writing , please do.
    And please understand ,I am not telling you what you should do, just speaking of my own experiences.
    Sincerely U.J.G.
  8. deeken

    deeken New Member

    My dads infection has cleared up
    right now they have him for mental reasons
    we had meeting today and went ove rthings with him about his coming back home with me
    we will try this one more time
    I just hope he does what he agreed to today at hospital
    we shall see
    I will know tomorrow if when he is coming home
  9. peterle

    peterle New Member

    that his infection has cleared up. And I do hope for you, that he will coopperate with you. Just keep seeking information for the future use. If you go to the webside of your STATE / DHS / MEDICAID program there you will find a lot of services listed . Also under STATE/ELDERCARE;
    And here is a little thing that has helped me over many humps:

    God grant me the SERENITY to accept things I can not change;COURAGE to change the things I can;and the WISDOM to know the difference.

    I have the words glued on a speaker next to the moniter and when I have a problem I concetrate on those words and let peace come into my mind. I hope it can help you.
    Thinking of you
    U.J.G.
  10. deeken

    deeken New Member

    I always say the serenity prayer ,
    I appreciate your help