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Discussion in 'General Health & Wellness' started by conky2010, Jul 7, 2010.

  1. conky2010

    conky2010 New Member

    My boyfriends mom has had altzheimers for 10 years. She does not speak, cannot walk, cannot feed herself, she has a permanent catheter, wears a diaper. Her legs are contracted and can hardly stand when pulled up. My heart goes out to him because he has been taking care of her through the 10 years and has been thru every stage of this disease. I need advice on how to deal with talking to him without him getting mad in reference to his mom. He says that she knows who he is and understands everything that is said to her. I never knew his mom so I don't have that relationship with her. He gets mad at me because i don't always talk to her. She doesn't respond and most of the time stares into space. I help him feed her and extended my home to him and her for a change in environment for her. The problem is I have 2 kids 16 yr old daughter and 8 year old son. It is uncomfortable for my 16 year old when she is at my home. She has a permanent catheter and a bag. I don't want to be mean but he just lets the bag hang when she sits in our family room and no one wants to come in the family room because they are uncomfortable. He also brought her in my pool and let the bag float next to her and it was uncomfortable being in the pool with her. He has a live in take care of her 24/7 but has to relieve her on occasion for the weekends. I cannot imagine what he goes through but I have my own responsiblities being a single mom and taking care of a home. I need advice on how to speak to him about being more discreet when he brings her to my home. He empty's her bag into a bottle on my living room floor not in the bathroom. Can someone tell me if I am being insensitive???
  2. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the board. There is an Alzheimer's board on this site. You might want
    to post there as well.

    I wouldn't allow him to bring his mother to your home if it makes you and your
    kids uncomfortable. His devotion to his mother his admirable, but she's not
    your mother.

    I have Alzheimer's myself. I am hoping to get off the roller coaster before it
    progresses too much farther.

    Good luck

  3. TwoCatDoctors

    TwoCatDoctors New Member

    This is just my personal opinion and ProHealth does not provide doctors to give you professional opinions.

    I so appreciate what your boyfriend is trying to do, but truthfully, he's lacking manners, tact and has removed all dignity in taking care of his Mom--and your kids are witnessing it all. I don't think you are being unreasonable.

    On the one hand he says his mother understand everything, then on the other he takes care of her like she is mindless and treats her without dignity and respect. Leaving her sitting at someone's house with her bag hanging out without a cover isn't respectful to her or to you and your children. And when he empties her bag on your living room floor instead of doing it in the bathroom, that's ultimate in rudeness, tactlessness and treating his mother, you and your kids without dignity and respect and almost smacks of a carelessness for his Mom. He appears to be at a point that he needs to give up taking care of her and let the regular 24/7 people take care of her because they won't do this to her.

    There may be some inner anger towards his mother that he is doing this to her or he may have been brought up without manners, tact, respect and dignity, but whatever the reason, you and your kids are getting it shoved in your face. This is not what you want to teach your kids.

    Whatever the reason, it should concern you as a parent and having your children observe this. Elderly, ill people deserve dignity and respect and should be treated as such even when they can't talk--and your children need to know that and be shown that--your boyfriend does not. Your boyfriend's behavior would be a deal breaker in many relationships and you may do better looking for someone who is more responsible and has better manners around you AND YOUR CHILDREN.

    Good luck with your decision.
    [This Message was Edited on 07/07/2010]