Newbie, ? about being a surrogate.

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by misskoji, Aug 20, 2006.

  1. misskoji

    misskoji Member

    Hi everyone, I've been lurking for quite a while, reading all of your wonderfull information. I feel a bit eased that there are others who understand, yet sad that so many of us have to deal with these DD's.

    I was dx with Fibro in Nov. of 04. And dx with CFS in I want to say May of 05. However, I think I had these way before I had a final dx. Looking back, I remember now flare ups that I passed off as the flu or some other ailments. I lost my marriage, my self esteem, my way of living, all that that I'm sure you all are suffering yourself. I just miss me.

    My question to you all is I've been considering surrogacy for quite some time. Was planning to do it in my mid 20's but was with a bf then that didnt approve, so nothing became of it. I wanted to do it when I was married, but DH said no. Well I have finally found a great couple that I adore, and this is something that I really want to do. I feel so much for those whom aren't blessed with the luxury of having their own.

    Now with all this research coming about, I'm dreading the heriditary factor, as it will be my egg and his sperm. I would hate to have the child have these problems, I don't wish that on anyone. I want them to have as beautiful healthy happy baby as possible.

    On the other hand, this is honestly something I'm heartfelt about. Being "less contributing to society" because of my illnesses has made me feel worthless. So, I really want to do this, help someone that really deserves it. Plus, I think it would be a great learning experience for my son who is 11.

    I'm well aware that I will have to stop meds, all of them except my prenatal vitamins. I'm on Klonopin, Soma, Darvocet, Lexapro, Ambien CR, Tramadol, Lidocaine patches, amoxocillin, I'm sure there are a few more, but drawing a blank....duh.......It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make to help these wonderful hopefull parents.

    Now I know some people are against the whole surrogacy thing, and everyone is entitled to their opinions. I am just wondering what you guys think. Would I be compromising this baby's health? I've heard somewhere that sometimes pregnancy temp. relieves our symptoms, but I'm clueless about that one.

    Any feedback from you all would be much apprieciated! Thanks to you all, you all seem wonderfull. Wish you all the best and hugs and all that happy stuff!


    [This Message was Edited on 08/24/2006]
  2. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    but i would try to save the money personally and go w/having a child....some say their symptoms weren't there while pregnant...

    and medical society is trying to figure all of this out...and who knows maybe your child may not have fms/cfs...

    good luck

  3. misskoji

    misskoji Member

    Appreciate your words of wisdom, any words really lol.
  4. sleepwalk

    sleepwalk New Member

    ...that you should go with your gut. From what I've read about the genetic factors, it's not an absolute thing.

    The material my doctor gave me says that 10-15% of offspring contract CFS. This could be all genetic or it could indicate some shared environmental trigger within a family. Twin studies do a better job of analyzing hereditary factors. I know there has been one, but I can't remember where I saw the information. Sorry. You might want to discuss the numbers with your doctor.

    My advice is to think about the risk and figure out what you feel comfortable with. Maybe talk about it with someone you trust. What would it mean to you if the child inherited your health issues? What do you think the state of medical understanding and treatment will be in the child's lifetime? How do you feel about the 85-90% chance the child will probably not inherit your condition?

    In any case, if you do choose to go ahead, I hope that you plan to discuss these concerns with the couple you have found. They need to consider the child's possible health problems, as well. Plus, since it seems that stress can help to trigger symptoms, educating the couple might help them be aware of the child's risk factors so they can help manage them.

    I hope my response is helpful and not too bossy. It is definitely your decision, and I hope that you are able to find the time and support to make a plan you are comfortable and happy with.

    Oh, and I've also heard that pregnancy can help to alleviate symptoms.

    Best wishes for your decision making!
  5. petsrme

    petsrme Member

    Wow! I think that surrogacy (carrying the egg and sperm from another couple) is wonderful. I say that in parenthesis because sometimes I suppose surrogacy can mean that you give your own egg. I still think that is wonderful, but it could be very emotional and sad for the surrogate. Carrying someone elses baby so they can have a child is very heroic to me. It gives a gift to those who can't have children. For you to give up your meds and go through the pain is so wonderful. It needs a lot of thought though because it would be hard for you. Just you thinking of doing it shows that you are caring. Some people do it for money and personally, I dont see a problem with that. You are giving a couple a child and sacrificing your life for nine months. Pregnancy is wonderful but to have no reward at the end such as having a beautiful new life, would be hard. You have to endure morning sickness, possible stretch marks, and health risks to yourself.

    Think it through very carefully. I say kudos to you for even wanting to do it.
  6. misskoji

    misskoji Member

    For your opinions and concerns and wisdom of course. Lol on the going away for the teenage thing, i'm dreading that part coming up soon!

    I know I was tested for lyme's in the hospital in October of 04. I'm not sure what kind of test it was, I had three spinal taps, and tons of blood tests! I will have to the specific one you said.

    About educating the future parents, I have to the best of my ability, also advised them to do their own research. I think they are so happy to have a child, they kind of passed up that part, so I had to slow them down a little.

    I would feel totally awefull if the child contracted my illnesess. It will be my egg and his sperm, so I suppose there is that risk. Then again, I feel all this pain and suffering and search for answers has made me a kinder, more understanding person. I kind of believe in God doesnt give us more than we can handle, but sometimes you have to wonder, right?

    I know that yes, it will be soooo hard to give the child up, but I know and have known from the begining that this is THEIR child, and I am doing this for them, viewing myself as a nurturing incubator, for lack of better phrase.

    Again, thanks to all that replied I really appreciate it!

  7. Mamalovinit

    Mamalovinit New Member

    I could not do that myself, I am a mommy to 7. If it was not my egg I could. Anyway the reason I answered the post was to tell you that Lidocaine patches are said to be safe during pregnancy. I am pregnant with my 8th baby and Maternal-Fetal medicine told me I can use lidocaine patches. I have not needed them but it is nice to know. You can also use a prescription drug called vistaril for sleep.It is as safe as benadryl, my OB gave it to me.It is just a larger dose of antihistamine, a lot stronger than benadryl I don't need it much either. I do use my b-12 shots and prenatal along with a prescription called foltx. Foltx is folic acid and b vit mix. Make sure to start folic acid before even trying to conceive. I bought the folic acid off the shelf at wal mart before being switched to what I take now.
  8. misskoji

    misskoji Member

    Thanks for the helpfull advice. I have a question for you. My B12 levels are normal. I have told my doctor over and over that even though CFS FM patients may have normal levels, that it is considered usefull in treatment. He just sort of blows me off by the end of our visit. How do I or should I stress to him that I do want these injections?

    Wow, bless you honey for your strength to mother so many. I wanted a large family when I was growing up, but now that I am divorced and Ill, it's so hard for me to try to be the mother I used to be to my 11 year old son. How do you do it girl? I'm amazed and in awe of you!

    Yeah, I know alot of people find it hard to concieve of the concept of giving up a baby that is made with parts of yourselves. But, here's my thoughts on why I am doing it this way. The intended mother had to have an emergency complete historectomy at age 26 or so. Then she married her husband, and they have both wanted children. They can't afford expensive in-vitro implants with embryos, nor can she use her eggs, she has none. So to help them with as little cost as possible in something most of us take for granted, I'll give anything I can.

    Thanks again, and don't forget to tell me how you keep up hun.

  9. misskoji

    misskoji Member

    Thanks for your advice and concerns, most of all for telling me to go with my heart. I have weened myself down on most of my meds for the past few months. I only take what is absolutely needed. I hate taking pills anyway! I'm sure it's going to be hard on me, I've already accepted that fact.

    My son, yes, you're right, it will be hard on him to see the baby go. Then again, he's a bright, compasionate child who is very supportive of my decision. He wants another sibbling someday, and perhaps someday that will happen, but I know it is not time for that for us right now. I'm sure it will be hard on both of us. We have sat down and talked about this in great length. He understands that some people aren't fortunate enough to have their own children, and is compassionate enough to understand that mom will use her egg for the help of someone's dream of having a family. He's actually very excited for us and the parents to get started. He's already given me a list of chores and help he is planning to give to me when I'm preggo. Makes me so proud of him!

    Thanks again hun

  10. misskoji

    misskoji Member

    We sound so much alike, animal lovers... Anyway hun, I wanted to thank you for your sweet encouraging words. You really made me smile! Hope all is well with you.

  11. Mamalovinit

    Mamalovinit New Member

    I understand but I am selfish. I wanted 10 kids when I was little and never gave up the idea. Well, up till now. lol Actually I do very well during pregnancy. Most of them I went into almost total remission and felt wonderful until time to start weening them from the breast. I would have a laps right after labor though. I have very long (16 hrs the shortest)and hard labors. After one birth I was unable to move my arms for about 12 hrs. A few of my pregnancies I had only a 3rd of the problems. My worst thing is fatigue but I had that with my first baby and I didn't have fibro or cf then. I have a wonderful hubby and my kids are awesome. So I have a lot of help in my house. My oldest will be 14 when I deliver and my youngest will be 3 and a half. We have only one girl the oldest and the rest are boys. This baby is a girl and my family is so happy and can not wait to have her with them. I tell people that it is a good thing I nurse or I wouldn't get to help take care of her. lol I will have to fight for mommy time because they are all so excited. Daddy will be the worst, at least he works during the day. lol So I am not a one women show, we work together.
    My doctor did the b-12 on me and found my levels were OK too. I had given her an article about how when the spinal fluid was tested it showed that people with FM were actually low, even when they tested OK with standard testing. She said I could try it and if it helped than I needed it. If it did not help than I didn't need it. B-12 will not hurt you only help if you are low. So we tried it and I felt so much better with it. I get a better sleep after taking a shot. I will even dream and I never dream except the day or two after the shot. I was sent the article from this site but it has been a long time ago. You may be able to still find it here.
  12. misskoji

    misskoji Member

    For the great laugh Mable!
  13. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    i just realized more than likely you will not need to pay for any money may not be a factor for you....only passing on the fms/cfs...

    there are a whole lot worse things that could be worse than fms/cfs....child born w/o limbs we can still function some days are worse than others...then we have our good days...

    but mostly we need to learn our own limits...

    i have a friend who was going to be a serrogate for a mutual friend of ours...but now my friend that was going to do it for her going through a she said there isn't anyways so could be a serrogate at this time...

    thank you for even considering doing this for someone...

    i had thought about selling my eggs back when i was younger...but i guess no one wanted my eggs.....

  14. misskoji

    misskoji Member

    Thanks for you support hun! And you know what, Plenty of people would give anything to have one of your eggs! I went through the agency circle and was unfit for their clinical standards, so I went private. Besides, clinics are so expensive for the parents to be. If you really would like to donate an egg, post privately, I know you would find someone so gratefull for your gift! Not trying to push you into it, but if you want to know more about it, pm me or respond. There are several private, more comfortable ways to help. Thanks again hun!
    [This Message was Edited on 08/22/2006]
  15. justjanelle

    justjanelle New Member

    But I did want to post a reminder that some of us found our symptoms to be much worse during pregnancy. Mine were.

    So although it sounds like most have improvement of symptoms -- you can't necessarily count on that.

    Best wishes,
  16. Jo29

    Jo29 New Member

    Misskoji, you didn't say if you have any thyroid trouble. I guess if you did your doctor would not suggest you do the surrogate mother.

    I have FM, CFS, hypothyroid, IBS, and Lupus. I have 2 daughters.

    My daughters both have FM and the younger one also has CFS and hypothyroid. So it can be passed on. I know someone on here said about 15%. So there is that chance.

    I can relate to both issues here. My youngest daughter is now pregnant. She is doing pretty well, but is considered "high risk" pregnancy. Mostly because of her low thyroid.

    She has to have her blood tested every month and she has had to have her thyroid meds upped. The doctor told me that after the baby is born, they will have to watch it for thyroid levels.

    Actually, she has been doing pretty good. Her biggest complaint is that she is very tired. Extremely tired.

    She has had to go off of all of her meds this first trimester. She was on several. She is still on her thyroid meds though. She had been on Ultracet, sleep meds (not sure which one), heart meds, and water pills. She was also on Lamodal for IBS. I forgot Flexeril.

    I want to wish you all the best. I know the people you want to help will be all too happy to have you be their surrogate Mom. You seem like such a wonderful person.

    I know your son is young, but has he shown any symptoms? Just wondering.

    Good luck to you and welcome to the board.



  17. mosherpit

    mosherpit New Member

    I think it is a wonderful thing you are considering doing!!! I am 39 and just had my second child 10 months ago, the majority of my symptoms disappeard or lessened greatly while I was pregnant. As for meds I was able to stay on Paxil for my FMS during the pregnancy along with the pre-natal of course.

    My sister in law had FMS and after she had her daughter her FMS never came back, my neice is now 7 years old.

    As someone else said, there are a lot worse things you can pass on genetically to a child, and as more time goes by more research is done and advancement is being made in treating this condition.

    Listen to your gut and your heart and I believe you will make the right choice.
  18. pam_d

    pam_d New Member

    I agree with many of the need to weigh everything carefully (which you are) and go with your instincts on this. I think it's wonderful that you want to do this to help someone else out.

    I had FM for years, but it has gotten much better in recent years---since March of '06, I've had leukemia and have been under treatment for that. Where would I be without the generous donations of blood and platelets from folks who don't even know me, but make the time to give selflessly? Our area bloodbanks don't pay for blood products, so no one's motivated by money...they are motivated by a desire to help. Part of my treatment after each chemo round is that I NEED (desperately) blood products to survive...thank God for generous people. I cry every time I drive past our community blood bank.

    You are in a similar sincerely want to help a couple who cannot have a child by the normal means. You know what lies ahead for you in terms of stopping some meds, and still you are motivated to do this (and BTW, I agree that working closely with your docs is best, because there are some meds you WILL be able to take during pregnancy). My guess is, you'll have good periods during this pregnancy, and maybe not such good times, but your overwhelming desire to be a surrogate for this couple will get you through any tough times you may encounter.

    One thing leukemia treatment has taught me over the past 6 months is, I'm a heck of a lot stronger & tougher than I ever gave myself credit may well find the same thing with your mission.

    I say, work closely with your doctors (both FM/CFS, and your OB/GYN), make them a team that works with you to solve problems during this time, and do what your heart is telling you to do.

    I wish you the best of everything,
  19. misskoji

    misskoji Member

    Hi and thanks for the reply! I've always demanded to be tested for thyroid problems, always turned out negative results. I've heard there is a different kind of test for thyroid, do you know anything about it? I've always been worried about it because my weight, energy levels, my mother having thyroid problems, ect.

    I actually haven't told my doctor I plan to do this for a good reason. My parents to be have been talking to their doc about the situation.

    I have IBS also, I'm so sorry about the lupus! I'm also so sorry your daughters have these DD's too. Now that I've been advised by people on the board, I know more about the chances, but knowing that both your daughters have it is really sad. I know now that there is that chance, and so do my intented parents.

    I really hope all goes well with your daughter and you have a beautiful healthy grandbaby.

    My son hasn't showed any sypmtoms of FM or CFS so far, and I pray that he never will. However, he has had a few childhood illnesses. Kawasaki's disease at age 5, Mersa (?), a skin disorder at the age of 4, and now some excema (not sure of the spelling or that name of the skin disorder). He's gotten to be a big boy. He's on the heavy side, but over all, a wonderfull compasionate fun-loving kid.

    Thanks much for your kind words hun! I hope all is ok with you and yours!


  20. petsrme

    petsrme Member

    You are very welcome Misskoji. I hope whatever decision you make you will be happy and healthy. You are a truly good person for even consider doing it.

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