Newbie/Kids or No kids dilemma

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by kalli11, Oct 20, 2014.

  1. kalli11

    kalli11 Member

    Hi! Newbie here. I've had fibro for 2 years (diagnosed) and I also have myofascial and chronic fatigue. I am on no medication due to an enzyme I have that interacts with SSRIs, muscle relaxants and benzos (after having serotonin syndrome). I am 28 and happily married for 7 years.
    We have no children but we are licensed adoptive parents and lately I've been worried about being a parent with fibro. Since most people have their own kids it's different but we're looking at introducing a child (aged 5-12) in our home in the future (hopefully) and I don't know if I can handle it mentally/emotionally/physically. We are both good with children and I know we would be great parents but Honestly, I don't know if I can handle the responsibility of being a full-time parent and I feel horrible for that, because my husband would like to have kids and I told him going into the marriage that if he wanted his own kids to find another woman, I love him enough to let him; but he stood by me knowing we had the option to adopt
    . I've accepted my fibro to a point. I've learned to listen to my body, I've gotten back in shape (somewhat) by training back in Taekwondo (did it before Fibro, still have set-backs), but trust me I'm not even close to 50%. I have no energy hardly. I am not reliable, nor can be relied upon (which SUCKS).
    I work part-time and it's a blessing, my job is tough on me but it keeps me with a purpose and motivated. I live in a rural area and the women who do have fibro/cfs here are older (4os-60s) which we have a connection and for that I am grateful, but the family thing is kind of out of all of our expertise. Thank you for reading, I know fibro varies from person to person. Also to throw some history about myself. I was a preemie (1lb 8oz @ birth, 4 months premature); there is a slight link but not definate, is there any others out there?? Blessings to all the warriors who fight to make each day liveable!
  2. Soul*

    Soul* Well-Known Member

    It's a very personal choice and I aplaud anyone who wants to take it up to them to adopt kids already here instead of having kids of their own. But definitely YES before you decide to have kids be very clear that you will be able to provide them all the care they need. Love is one thing but kids require 24/7 full time attention for around about 18 years at least and you never know beforehand if that may or may not turn out to be a life long commitment depending on how a child develops itself.

    I love kids but made a personal choice to have no kids and is a very clear one. Looked after 35 of them before becoming ill in an afterschools daycare. Even for healthy people having kids is a huge responsibility and requires them to give up their own comfort for at least 18 years. Personally I think we do the world a favor by first looking after all the kids already here and that with a planet so full already that we haven't take care of particularly well, and we haven't succeeded living on together peacefully either, seeing having kids as a natural choice or natural step in a relationship is really no longer valid I think, whether healthy or not. Let's first fix this world before putting more kids on it.

    I enjoy other peoples kids a lot and can go home when it no longer is enjoyable. And the kids enjoy the time I can spend with them because I do not have the worry about looking after them so only have to give them my full attention and love for the time I am able to spend with them. But if I would have had kids of my own neither would I be able to do that with my own kids nor with other peoples kids anymore because it would be such a huge physical, mental and emotional extra strain on me. Ofcourse it brings joy too and ofcourse it is a miracle and wonder but that joy and wonder can also be shared with others that do choose to have or adopt kids.

    Only you and your partner can decide what is the best choice for you both but be very careful to not overestimate yourself in what you are capable of handling. Might it be an idea to become a foster parent maybe for short term crisis situations for a while first? That way you could get a better perspective how that would work out for you and wouldn't be such a life changing decision that way. It will effect both your own life and the life of the children involved greatly. And you both deserve the very best. Doesn't mean they can't grow up to be wonderful people anyways but you can be a positive and very valuable influence in the lifes of children already here also without being the designated parent. The comfort children find in aunties and uncles that have no children that even if for an hour can spend real quality time with them without worrying about constantly having to correct them and such is such a valuable extra that should not be an extra but a normal in every kids life. Parents have a different role in that since biggest part of parent hood is being the 'police officer' that has to keep stearing the kids in the right direction. There is love in that too ofcourse but it won't always be accepted as love by children and a 'non partial' grown up that is just there for you without having to be afraid that you might be doing something wrong or that someone is still remembering the stress you put them through is such a blessing for a child. I cherrish those memories myself. I love my parents dearly and they where ever so sweet with me but I also remember the tension there was as a kid in trying to 'do it right' and not upset them that wasn't there with aunties and uncles that did not have children of their own.

    Take your time to be sure about what is right for you. You can't reverse becoming a parent and it will effect lifes greatly. Good luck on making the right decision for the both of you and the children involved.
    kalli11 likes this.