Newbie with some questions(my wife has Fibro)

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by gamecockfan04, May 3, 2006.

  1. gamecockfan04

    gamecockfan04 New Member

    My wife has had Fibro for about 6 years now and I recently realized that its not a disease thats "all in her head" and that it is a serious thing. I feel terrible for telling her the past years that she needs to live her life to the fullest and not let it beat her and that she cant just lay in bed the rest of her life..etc, but I cant change what Ive said in the past, but I have changed my outlook and she knows that. I want to know from you all what I can do to comfort her and ease some of her pain, what makes you feel better and gets your mind off of the pain a little? She still works full time at a stressful job and we have a 7 and 3 year old, so she's hurting badly at the end of the day and hardly has the energy to do anything but get in the bed. Im just curious again, at what your spouses do that help that I may be able to do for my wife to help her through this disease as best I can.
  2. willruthie1965

    willruthie1965 New Member

    I to am guilty of not understanding my spouse at first. I told him get out and live life and I know there is more you can do.The only difference is he didn't have to work and we barely made it on my salary as a server. I did believe him but felt he could help around the house.I didn't expect him to do anything.Well everyone is different maybe hubby was worse off than others or maybe he could have done more.But the thing is I am now getting this illness so I feel terrible that I didn't support him more emotionally.I think this illness gets worse so be prepared for her to have to quit work and apply for ssi .Start putting extra away for when or if she has tp quit ,good luck Ruthie
  3. pawprints

    pawprints New Member

    What a nice thing to ask. It seems everyone wrote good suggestions. One I would add is laughter...sometimes my husband rents a funny movie or just does something silly to remind me of the joy in life.

    You will have to do all the physical tasks or hire someone to help you, but still remember to tell her what a great wife and mother she is...even if she can't do everything she wants to do for all of you.

    Good luck.
  4. LISALOO

    LISALOO New Member

    The best thing of all - Listen, let her vent, listen to her problems. It makes me feel so much better. Let her know that you're behind her 100% and always will be no matter what. It's scarry to know I could get worse, and I worry my husband could leave. So it's good to hear.
  5. jenni4736

    jenni4736 New Member

    WAY TO GO! The acknowledgement of the disease is a great start. My husband is pretty great.He will "drop me off at the door" of a restraunt and tell me to go "put our name on the wait list" etc. Its his way of helping me...and it doesn't make me feel "helpless".

    I think just listening to her is a great help. Asking her how she is "today" and then ACTUALLY LISTENING TO THE ANSWER is wonderful. There are lots of thoughful things you can do, just listen to her, she'll tell you.

    Pick up the kids from school/daycare...cook dinner...bathe the kids, read them a story and put them to bed...do a load of laundry...NOW THAT'S ROMANTIC! Sounds like bull, but trust me. Try drawing up bath water for her and lighting candles in the bath room. WARNING!!! DO IT WITH OUT EXPECTATIONS OF A "REWARD"!

    My husband is my rock...thank GOD for him. I have to admit he really gets a raw deal many days. I have to be careful not to lash out at him, just because he's handy. Remember that next time she's fussing. She probably is lashing out at the frustratiuon of being in CHRONIC pain. That is frustrating.

    Think of how awful you felt on your worst day and how happy you were when you got well. Now take that pain and wake up with it....everyday....IT IS HARD to keep up your spirits. But it is a must...

    Sleep and a fighting spirit keep us all going. We don't have any other choice. Wedding vows say " In sickness and in health". The woman you fell in love with is still there, and she needs you now more than ever.

    The fact that you are here... and you have asked these questions speaks volumes about your character. Now you have to have the endurance to "struggle " through this DD with her and know that it may be a fight.. but it is one that the two of you will FIGHT together!

    jenni
  6. rachel432

    rachel432 New Member

    my husband is possibly one of the most supportive and understanding individuals i could have ever hoped to have found. one of the great things that he does for me is that he is familiar with all of the meds i take, even the ones i take as needed, that way if he notices that it lookes like i'm starting to be uncomfortable he'll suggest i take my meds.

    another thing he does for me that is really sweet and takes the pressure off of me is that if we have to be out in a social situation and he notices i'm starting to look tired he politely makes up a reason that we have to leave. it's nice because that way i don't have to explain myself to a whole bunch of people.

    really i guess what i'm saying is that the reason he is so great is that he pays attention to how i'm feeling and just does small little things to make things less awkward and to help cut through the brain fog. it's not big things, just little ones to make life easier. i thank god everyday for my husband and i'm not sure how i would cope without his support.

    it seems like your on the right track with helping your wifr just by being on this board and educating yourself. the fact that you want to help is wonderful. io hoe this helps.

    rachel
  7. mgmarble

    mgmarble New Member

    The thing I want the most when I am feeling down is a HUG from husband, it just reassures me that he is there. Just tell her you love her and no matter what she can vent to you. A HUG goes a long way!!!!!!!!!
  8. pam112361

    pam112361 New Member

    You had such a kind response to my post that I felt a need to respond to yours.

    Just wanting to know what you can do for your wife is fantastic. If only more spouses/family asked what they could do, it would make a huge difference.

    Anyway, at Christmas, my husband and daughter gave me a gift certificate for unlimited spa treatments (they didn't know what or where or anything, so they made up their own). I haven't taken advantage of it yet but I will.

    For me, after spending from 4am until 6pm doing the "work thing," all I want to do when I get home is bathe, put on my gown, and sit down and watch some TV. I don't want to watch anything that requires "brain work". I want to watch entertaining stuff and it drives my husband nuts. If your wife wants to watch TV after work, let her. Get her a treat and something to drink and just enjoy being with her.

    Also, dinnertime is tough for us because I have a late lunch and just don't want anything much to eat at night. I have asked him to tell me what he wants from the store to eat for the following week so there will be cooked food or easy food ready to prepare. Since I go every Friday or Saturday and fight the Walmart crowd, the least he could do is tell me what he wants to eat. If your wife is able to do the shopping, please tell her what you might like to have to eat. It makes it so much easier not to have to think about what to do every night.

    If you don't already do so here's some other tips:

    Help her out with housework. For me, a clean house just makes me feel better. I can relax more if it's not trashed.

    Let her sleep in on the weekends if she can. Take the kids for breakfast and some play time. That will give her time to get up leisurely and have a little time to herself.

    If she doesn't feel like going outside to do "stuff," don't ask her to. That's the tough one for me. My husband is a real outside person, and unfortunately, I'm not. Cold weather bothers me; hot weather bothers me (I'm from Tennessee so temperature changes from hot to cold in a day's time isn't unusual - LOL). About the only time I really WANT to be outside is when I'm relaxing on my float in the pool during the summer.

    I probably could go on and on, but it's past quitting time so I should probably wrap up my work.

    I just want to say "God Bless You" for wanting to help your wife out. From my own personal experience, I would find you a god-send.

    Give your wife a gentle hug and love her to the fullest.

    Pam
  9. Granniluvsu

    Granniluvsu Well-Known Member

    What a great husband to be sending such a caring post. I have been dealing with FM/CMP for more than 20 years and finally got dxed a few days ago. I hope that getting this dx finally will help my husband to understand me and my/our syndromes better and to be more helpful and truly understanding.

    What is the "Pressure Point Rub" someone was talking about in their post? Sorry I just read her post giving all her information and I forgot her name. It's tht fibro fog AGAIN !! She gave lots of good tips although I have found out some of these already on my own, like the warm baths. Since I just got dxed after 20 years I am hoping to maybve also get my rheumy give me a Rx for a chiropractor so I can hopefully get it paid for by insurance, at least some of it.

    Blessings and soft hugs to all,

    Marilyn (that granni)
  10. mrsjethro

    mrsjethro New Member

    I am new here and I'm not sure of all the rules, so I'm hoping that I'm not breaking any and I'm trying to be careful and not post any websites or anything. Do a google search on chronic myofascial pain and another on pressure point therapy and it should take you to several good sites. I've got a couple of books that teach you how to do the pressure point therapy on yourself, but I don't think I'm allowed to post them here. I think a search will give you quite a bit of information if you'll look up the chronic myofascial pain though. Hope this helps!!
  11. Suzan

    Suzan New Member

    You care enough to ask!!! My husband is good most of the time..but having a sick wife wears him out..and I think the most hurtful thing for me...is when I feel ignored. I know it must be tiring for him when I am flaring for days and sometimes weeks, but when he doesn't acknowledge the fact that I just may have winced..or even yelped because something hurt...or when he can see that the darn flu type symptoms are appearing, and "forgets" to let the dogs out..or pick up his dishes..or small things like that, or even offer to get me tea or ?? I start feeling very alone with my illness...and I feel worthless...and sad...and all he has to do to make that better for me, is just to acknowledge either by act or words that I am having a tough go of it. When he IS doing those things...then I find that I do better mentally...which eventually seems to help me when the flare subsides.

    I do have a good husband...and I am tired of being sick. If you DON"T know what to do at any given time, ask your wife! Preface the asking by saying something like " I can see you are tired ( sore...having a rough time...need to rest...) what can I do to help????That , would be huge!
    Good luck! I hope your wife has more good days than bad!
  12. Granniluvsu

    Granniluvsu Well-Known Member

    I will try a search. From the way the person mentioned it in the post it sounded like it might be a rub or something but I may very weii be wrong.

    Blessings.,

    Marilyn
  13. Strawberry94

    Strawberry94 New Member

    I would say one of the most important things is to read about the cognitive problems and understand the times when they affect her. When she gets off track emotionally at these times, help her through to understanding that it is the congnitive stuff...my husband is very good at this.

    I think this article describes very well what I mean by cognitive problems:

    http://www.backgroundfacts.com/menieres/COGDIS.htm

    Practial help without guilt is always a good thing. My husband has problems with low energy too and he has to save his energy work and school so things are often very hard for us and a lot of stuff just doesn't get done a lot of the time. We've learned to just let a lot of things go and that happiness and comfort is far more important than a perfect house or life.

    Understand that she is probably far more frustrated than she lets on and that she may feel worse a lot of the time than she lets on.

    Allow her to decide to withdraw as much as she needs to from relationships with people who are negative and do not understand and have no desire to try and understand.

    Realize that if you have been judgemental of her in the past and that this may have made her feel guilt, that she wasn't trusted, shame that she "let you down" or sexually rejected that this will not end just because you are more understanding now, it will take time for her to be able to trust you and your trust again.

    Her head may know and understand that you have changed your outlook, but the heart sometimes take a while to catch up to the head. She may from time to time have feelings about all of this come to the surface and then you'll need to reassure her of your understanding.

    When I was not taken seriously it made me feel that I done something *wrong*, I felt ashamed to have let my husband and others down, I hated myself, I felt unattractive, unwanted, betrayed, emotionally abandoned and it took time and hard work on both our parts to repair that once he began to understand.

    We have a much happier relationship today, but the CFS still takes its toll. [This Message was Edited on 05/05/2006]
    [This Message was Edited on 05/05/2006]
    [This Message was Edited on 05/05/2006]