No light at the end of my!

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by hermitlady, Apr 6, 2009.

  1. hermitlady

    hermitlady Member

    Hi all,

    I haven't posted much in awhile, but I've been having another rough stretch mentally and physically for the last 2-3 wks. I am seriously at the end of my rope, life is just miserable in everyway.

    My Dr and I thought we were making headway in my diagnosis and treatment of a newly found mitochondrial disorder. I had hope for the first time in years, but now I've just about given up.

    For me, I have such a difficult time taking care of myself and sticking to taking piles of supps and meds everyday. I am so worthless and feel so overwhelmed...the typical sign that my major Depr is back to pay me a visit. I just can't do anything right.

    I had so many things buzzing around in my head that I wanted to get out, but I don't have the energy or brain clarity to type it all out. So many things are not right in my life, this is not how I want to live.

    My 2 teenagers w special needs and mental illnesses are beyond my control. I have just about quit trying to be a functioning mother to them. Constant fighting, arguing, physical violence and practically not a single positive thing in our relationships.

    I'm tired, it's been 13 yrs of complete mayhem. We are still in programs for Spec Ed and County Mental Health, but it is of minimal help. The in home Wraparound Program is more of an imposition than anything.

    My husband is actually able to keep a positive outlook and tries to cheer me up. Unfortunately I just feel like a burden to him. We have drifted apart in the intimacy dept due to my illnesses, it makes me sad and I know he deserves a better wife. I am so sorry I married him and gave him 2 defective children, and now he's stuck w a sick wife too. Guilt and grief are eating me alive.

    Like so many other families, finances are at their worst ever. DH had to take a large pay cut recently to try to save his company. I do not think I'm capable of working, I quit 13 yrs ago to be a SAHM. I was an Engineer and made good money, but I'm so fatigued, pained and brainfogged now that I couldn't work in that profession again. Again, this makes me feel worthless.

    I am unable to keep up w housework and can no longer afford a housekeeper, consequently our house is a disaster. My kids will not do chores and my dh works long hours. Also, we have 2 acres and a huge amt of yardwork that is out of control. I am ovewhelmed everywhere I look, it's so discouraging.

    I make lists and only get a couple of things done and checked off. I am just not able to stay organized and focused on anything! Also the fatigue is a huge contributing factor. I'm feeling like hiding under the covers and sleeping to avoid my life.

    I just don't know what to do. Nothing feels right, I am thoroughly disgusted w myself, angry, sad, exhausted, beaten down again and again. Just when I think I'm feeling a bit better for a few days, I'll get knocked back down and all my hope is crushed.

    I now understand how and why people end up abandoning their families and running away. I feel that I'm almost ready to do the same, but I can't even support myself anymore. So what's the point? I just want this mess to go away so I can have a re-do. I'm not going to last much longer I'm afraid, the stress alone is enough to kill an elephant!

    Thank you, if you took the time to read this rambling story of my miserable life. I don't expect miracles, just a little support.

    This is just not fair. I am a good, honest person, really I am...I could have done so much more w my life. But now I have no interests, goals, or anything that I look forward to or enjoy.

    I try to be thankful for what I have, but sometimes I just don't feel that it matters. I could live in a one room apartment and be perfectly happy, I am not into material things...I would just have to keep my cats w me.

    I'm giving up, I quit. This is not living, I'm just taking up space. There are so many people out there who could handle all of this better than me. I dread tomorrow because I know it's just going to be another day filled w chaos and disappointment. I'll go to sleep and hope to wake up in a new world! Wish me luck......

    Hermit the sad lady

  2. bakeman

    bakeman New Member

    sounds like you are really having a hard time right now. ive been there too. i really wish there was something i could do. best of luck. hope you get a little relief.

  3. hermitlady

    hermitlady Member

    It's just a never ending cycle! I just can't seem to keep my head above water....I'm drowning!!!

    I'll just keep hoping something, anything will get better.

    xxxooo Hermit
  4. bigmama2

    bigmama2 New Member

    i am so sorry to hear how terrible things are for you right now. i have also been there so i do understand. chronic illness is such a horrible thing. i have cfs and depression among others. it does sound like right now your depression is kicking in. i hope it lifts. i hope you are just "venting" and i hope it helps. know that people in your life love you and even people like me who have never met you in person (but i have read your posts alot) care about you!

    i dont know what else to say. i wish i could make it better.

  5. hermitlady

    hermitlady Member

    Thank you and Welcome to the board.

    You made a wonderful first post, it was good to hear from someone who understands. You're right, I have spent yrs worth of energy taking care of my family.

    In fact the stress involved in dealing w my daughter's devel disabilities and explosive behaviors is what I think brought on the FM/CFS and depression. There were many years of doctor hopping, scary testing, hospitalizations and medication trials for her. Actually it's still an ongoing game of trial and error w meds and Mental Health Services. I am just so worn out and need someone to take care of the kids, the house and ME!!

    I don't know how you feel about kids, but consider yourself lucky to not have any to care for while being sick. It's so difficult. Since mine have so many cognitive and mental problems, they are rarely willing to help out w chores, etc. It's just almost impossible to get them to participate in anything that I need help with. You'd have to meet them to understand, believe me they're extremely difficult kids.

    I hope your husb takes good care of you. I've been sick for about 13 yrs, but it took probably half of that time before he started understanding and quit being in denial about the conditions that myself and both kids live w. He's a great guy, we'll be having our 24th anniv in June, I hope he continues to put up w me!

    Have a good nite........Hermit
  6. AuntTammie

    AuntTammie New Member

    just wanted to tell you that you are in my thoughts and prayers.....I so understand what it's like to be so discouraged and feel worthless and hopeless, but I hope that knowing that you are not alone in feeling this way, and that there are people on here (& your husband) who care might help even a little....rt now I am just way to tired and foggy to write more, but i wanted to at least try to respond hugs
  7. gb66

    gb66 Well-Known Member

    It's nice to see you back again. I am so sorry you're having such an awful time lately. I cannot know what you're going through but I remember in the first few years that I was ill with CFS/FM my teenage son was having some drug issues. He wouldn't go to school or obey any rules. I won't go into details but you know how it can be. We put him in many programs and hospitalized him once and still he wouldn't try. It took quite a toll on me trying to deal with it all and being so ill myself, so I do know how that feels.

    I have been ill with this for 30 years so you can imagine how many ups and downs and life changes I've been through in that time. We could all write a book! One of the most important things I 've learned through it all is that I am important. I matter too. It's not about what I'm able to do now compared to what I used to be able to do, it's about what I do with what I have left, and even if I do nothing, I am still a valuable person. There's a verse in the Bible, I'm not sure where, that says"I have pitched my tent in the land of Hope". This is what I believe. I will never give up hope of getting better. I try to do what I can each day whether it's just taking a shower or maybe doing a little cooking, or whatever. I am so glad for any accomplishment.

    I hope you feel better soon. I know we need to vent and get comfort and understanding from each other. It sounds like you have a really good husband. Mine took a few years to accept that this was the way our lives were going to be and for us to work together to get through each day. That's how we live now. He's retired now and that helps a lot. We've been married 50 years. Hugs. GB66

    [This Message was Edited on 04/06/2009]
  8. quanked

    quanked Member

    You are not worthless. Be kind to yourself. You have never needed it more. Treat yourself like you would one of your beloved and suffering children, like your most beloved relative. The deep compassion I am certain you are capable of, please take it and focus it on yourself and know that, right now, you are doing the best you can. I know you want to do more, so much more, but for now, and yes, maybe even tomorrow you cannot. If someone else you loved beyond measure were to tell you this you would understand--show yourself the same kindness.

    There are many times I could have written your post. So I truly know where you are coming from. I have many responsibilities that I must take care of and often fall very short. We all get by one way or the other. This is not the life I planned. I sacrificed a great deal to get my graduate degree. I had a dream to live. It seems that dream ended. And it seems these things are true for you too.

    I am so very sorry that you are going through this again. But you have gotten through it before as you will again. Please, just do not beat yourself up--you do not deserve it. I somehow know that you would not even beat up your worst enemy the way you are pounding on yourself.

    You sound like a wonderful woman. Just because you are ill does not make you not wonderful anymore. Please, comfort yourself, speak kindly and lovingly to yourself. Show yourself some tender mercies and never forget that you are not worthless. You have great worth.
  9. shari1677

    shari1677 New Member

    Hermitlady -

    Have you ever thought of having yourself admitted to mental health? I have never posted this on this board, but I myself have been admitted 3 times, all depression related. I felt overwhelmed, depressed, tired and at the end of my rope.

    My most recent admit was October of 2007 for a week or so. When I entered the hospital, I told them that all I do is sleep and I would probably spend all of my admission in bed. Low and behold, by the time I left, I was out in the ward with everyone else having a good time. I even met a boyfriend there!!

    It is a great break for someone like you who is overwhelmed. I am not saying you are "mentally ill" by any stretch...I just think you need a good break with some psychological counseling mixed in.
  10. SnooZQ

    SnooZQ New Member

    Sorry to hear of your difficult situation. You sound exhausted and overwhelmed. No wonder.

    May I ask if you are treating the mito disorder w/carnitine? If so, please be aware that you may need to follow your thyroid levels closely. Carnitine is impt in treating many mito disorders, however, it can be suppressive of thyroid, & those of us w/fibro/CFS are sometimes already a little challenged in that dept.

    Be sure you are following your thyroid function with tests of free thyroid hormone levels, not just TSH. The tests needed are free T3 & free T4. If your results are in the bottom quartile of the ref range on either one, you should request a trial of low-dose thyroid hormone. It can make a huge difference in energy, mental function, coping ability, even pain level.

    I also have a teen w/special needs. I'm wondering whether your kids have tried meds. I am not a med-pusher, however, when things get to the level of physical violence, something needs to be done. There is no reason for you to put up with this. It is not helping you or your marriage, and frankly, it is not helping the kids for them to continue on in this mode. At the very least, it sounds like you would benefit greatly from having your kids in a respite program occasionally. Perhaps even an alternate placement, temporarily.

    I believe that while the emo support you get online is helpful, there is more help available to you in concrete ways. A little boost on the housework can brighten your day & if added on to what you ARE able to do ... it gives hope. Whatever it is you need, ASK.

    Please reach out to your friends & extended family for a little help, if possible. If that's possible, call up some churches and/or service organizations & ask for a little concrete help. Not that others would be able to take over your entire household, but just having someone come to mow twice a month, or a college student who might be interested in mentoring your teens for a couple of hours per week, or someone to vacuum your living room. Yes, you'll get some turndowns, but there are many people out there who are unemployed & down in the dumps & looking for a way to have meaning in their life. Why not by helping you?

    I hope you do feel better after a nap. Best wishes.
  11. greatgran

    greatgran Member

    Oh, how I can relate to how you feel, if fact I could have written this myself. I read this yesterday but didn't have the energy to reply. I have tried so many things and had hope for only to be left hopeless. I did a post once on what happen to happiness. It bad enough to feel so bad physically but to have the mental part is just to much.

    Sorry, to be negative but I want you to know you are not alone. You have been given some good advice here but I haven't any ,I feel just as you posted.

    I feel I can't live but can't die with this darn dd, then I read about those that have been Dx with this and work, travel, laugh and play ..HOW??? do they do it.

    I am basically housebound, I was trying to keep my greatgrans, that my daughter has custody of but had to stop and now she isn't working and is she struggling just to feed them.

    I will keep you in my prayers as I have never given up on prayers..

    Hugs and God Bless,
    gg the other sad lady
  12. SpecialK82

    SpecialK82 New Member

    I understand what you are going through with this DD, I hear you loud and strong. Please focus on yourself right now, and do what is needed for you - not anyone else. You can't be there for your kids if you don't take care of yourself first.

    I have so much compassion for you and everyone suffering on this board, all I know is we all have to stick together and get through this just one day at a time.

    What we are being asked to do is very difficult, I'm hoping one day we will realize how strong this made us, when we are well and look back at these hellish days.

    God bless us all - hang in there!

    Kristina[This Message was Edited on 04/07/2009]
  13. 3gs

    3gs New Member

    Just wanted to send a gentle hug. Right now its about all I can offer as you so aptly put it there is no light at the end of my tunnel latley either.

    I hope you find some help with the kids. I know its a catch 22 with wanting to be alone and not. I understand after months of a flare,not getting thru to people that this dd really is a living death.

    hardest part for me is my grandkids. try to remember your hubby needs you and thinks your worth it.
  14. Pansygirl

    Pansygirl New Member

    Wanted to send you a very gentle hug. Remember you are special.

    take special care of yourself, Susan

    I wish I had some advice but I've been in a bad flare for almost a month
    so I'm just taking it one day at a time .
  15. shelbo

    shelbo New Member

    Please, please don't be so hard on yourself. You are every bit as special and important as the next person. The nicest of people can find themselves in very difficult situations.
    When your husband married you, he did it 'in sickness and in health'... It sounds like you have a good man thankful but also value yourself... You are a lovely person who wants to be able to function at normal levels (as all of us here do) but it's not possible (right now). What I am trying to say is that you are not choosing to neglect your loved ones...
    Please know we are all here whenever you want to just talk, let off steam, cry...
    In the meantime, love, prayers and gentle hugs to you... Please don't give up.... Shelbo
  16. faithinlove

    faithinlove New Member

    I am so sorry to hear that you are not doing well at all. I know things look and feel as if you cannot go on. I have felt that way before also. There are people that love and care about you. I have not met you but I care what you are going through. Something about constant pain can make us so depressed and then when that comes along with the hurt and the exhaustion it is hard to function. Know that things will get better. The things that you enjoy in life...surround yourself with those things.
    There is such a great power in love. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I think you are stronger than you think you are. Life just does not seem fair at times. I appreciate your post and your blunt honesty.Thank you for writing what you did. You may not have realized it but some of the things you said have helped me. Love and prayers, Faith
  17. hermitlady

    hermitlady Member

    Sorry I didn't get back sooner. I spent yesterday in bed resting, I told myself that I needed "a day off" without guilt.

    Every post touched me and made me feel a bit stronger. I'll be back later to post more. My son is home for spring break and I promised him we'd go somewhere today...he wants to go to Target:)

    I love you guys and don't know what I'd do without this board!!!

    xxxooo Hermit
  18. leubie

    leubie New Member

    hi i feel JUST LIKE your post! if you could read - snick63 post- how has fm affected your marriage/relationship? i just replied to it. if icould think or had theenergy i would re-type to you.i am in such a very lonely and VERY DARK PLACE right now. what little i have left of my heart broke when i read your post. i could have written that myself. I AM SOOOOOO TIRED OF THIS FIBROMYALGIA- IT HAS ROBBED OF SOOOO MUCH! TAKEN SOOOO MUCH FROM US! BUT IT HAS LEFT US WITH SOOOOO LITTLE- NONE OF IT VERY GOOD.
    if you can - please keep in touch- i can understand how you feel. i care as well[This Message was Edited on 04/08/2009]
  19. Bunchy

    Bunchy New Member

    It's so hard to feel OK with yourself when these DD's affect your life so much but your DH sounds like a nice man - sometimes intimacy is not the most important part in a marriage!

    You also sound like a fantastic Mom and I admire you greatly for caring for your two children.

    I know things feel tough right now - I think we all go to this place (feeling trapped, like there is nothing left to live or hope for) but you will feel better some day soon.

    You *MUST* give yourself a break and take it as easy as you can for a while though.

    And be proud of all you have achieved - I'd have loved children and wasn't able to have any because of these DD's.

    Sending you a comforting gentle hug and love,

    Bunchy x
  20. dragon06

    dragon06 New Member

    that you are going through a rough time. I know how parts of it feel (as I don't have children) but we do have a mentally challenged roommate that lives with us and my relationship to him is like a mother and he causes me lots of stress. Also my other roommate (who pays half the costs of our household) just lost his job. I feel terrible cause I can't run out and get something temporary to help with this. I am at all I can do with keeping my doc appts and helping him with resumes, looking for a job and getting mine and my husbands taxes done. The next 2 weeks are going to kill me...I am also at my last stage of immigration awaiting my permanent green card.

    These are only some of my stresses so I can understand the overwhelming feeling you have. All I can suggest is to have an outlet to talk about these things (here is good or another friend or your husband) and maybe seek out some therapy or anti-depressants, they could really help you at this point (I don't know if you have tried them already).

    Try and hang in there, your family would miss you if you were not with them anymore even if you don't think so or think you are a drain on them. Your husband sticks it out for you, you need to stick it out for him.

    I hope you start to feel better.