No one needs to read this...just need to vent

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by mykas_mommy, Jun 1, 2006.

  1. mykas_mommy

    mykas_mommy New Member

    I swear I have about to give up on life. I cant keep life things going well. I get things fixed correctly and then I screw it up again. How the heck am I suppose to raise a child and give him a good life when I screw everything up? I am literally in tears because of a confrontation I just had with someone who use to help me out. I am so on edge with everything that I feel like I am breaking. I have done nothing but screw up my life and I dont want to screw up my sons. Sometimes I think it would be better for me to give him up and walk away. I love my son but he deserves better than me. I am exactly what I have been told all my life nothing but a screw up and I will never get anything right. I hurt so bad both mentally and physically. I just want to lay down and fade away.

    Ok here is honestly what is going on. I have screwed up my bank account so badly. I get paid tomorrow and will not have the $$ to pay the rent much less anything else. I got almost $10,000 in inheritance less than a year ago. Its all gone. I got $4000 in tax returns, its all gone. I am behind on all my bills, I have cut off letters on all of them. Back when I got my inheritance I had everything paid off and current. I was getting my credit in order so I could buy a house for us. I worked my butt off to make it better. One month I overspent and couldnt pay my rent in full so I got one of those payday advance loans. By the time it came due I didnt have the payment in full that I needed, so I just ignored it. Its now a return check. That is who I just had the confrontation with. I owe them almost $500. I have little signature loans that are past due. I am back to being in so much debt I cant even see the surface.

    What I do I do now? How do I take care of my son? I try to make arrangements and no one can seem to accept what I know I can do. I am so afraid. I am afraid that I am just going to snap and someone is going to get hurt.

    I started getting child support for the first time 2 weeks ago. I got 2 little bitty checks and then the sperm donor quit his job. I just do not understand how men can get off helping make a child and then not supporting it. Why does he get to be able to go where he wants to by himself. Why does he not have to figure out a way to feed his child when its hungry. Why does he not have to worry constantly about how things affect his child. And by gosh why does he not have to get up in the middle of the night and comfort his child when its sick, scared or what ever. Why does he not have to stay up 3 days and nights in a row when his child has colic. Why does he not have to hear from his childs daycare about the things he did wrong every day. Why didnt he have to decide to put his child on ADD meds and then get judged by anyone and everyone. And why doesnt he let his child know that he is cared about and loved. AND BY GOD WHY IS HE NOT MADE TO SUPPORT THIS CHILD.

    I have to face the facts that I do not make good decisions in anything. I have chosen not to get involved with men again because I choose users and abusers. I have chosen too be single for the rest of my life because my son doesnt need to or deserve to suffer because I cant make good decisions.

    I love my son but I dont know that I am good for him. He deserves a mommy that can run and play with him. He deserves a clean house. He deserves to be able to watch "Blues Clues" to his hearts content. When I dont feel good or am stressed out, I dont treat him well. I do not abuse my son but I yell at him. I am short with him, I am not patient with him. How do I fix this?

    Why do I have to make my life so hard. Why cant I just do the right things so life will be smoother? Why am I not lovable to others except for men who will use me or hit me, and then thats not love. I want to be worthy of my son. He is so precious and loving, he will blow me a kiss for no reason. He always comes up and wants a hug or "to hold you". He is only three, where did he learn to be so loving and caring? I dont deserve him at all.
  2. findmind

    findmind New Member

    Ok, woman, let's get a grip here, ok?
    You are a good person who has made some mistakes, and you can get them taken care of, so don't be so down on yourself.

    I raised two daughters, making so many mistakes along the way its a wonder we are all three still alive (although I really don't call having fM and CFS being really alive).

    Is there a women's center/shelter, type of thing near you or that you can get to? They have people who can help you get it back together, who can intercede for you and help you do it.

    It is wrong that the sperm donors can go scott free, even after all these years of women fighting for equality. Yes, all they have to do is lose their jobs and go on their merry ways with no responsibility. That is not new.

    I did not get one penny of child support for my two children. Between the two states we lived in, there was no law to enforce it.

    So what? We went hungry, we moved a lot I made stupid money mistakes, I filed bankruptcy once, all the things you say you have done. I've undervalued myself, not loved myself enough to make sure others do, too.

    My daughters grew up just fine, in spite of me, and your son will be fine too, if you begin to find a way to start again. Swearing off relationships is not the way to do it...just wait until you have a handle on yourself a little more, ok?

    If WE, who are compassionate, loving, caring, smart, giving people care about you, you better start caring about yourself.

    Now, tomorrow, get your fannie on the phone and make some calls that will help you get on with a good life that is filled with your very own spirit of love and giving....and let us know what you have done to change your tomorrows!

    We care about you, and there is hope!
    findmind


  3. earthdog2000

    earthdog2000 Member

    Dear Mykas Mommy,
    I am sooooooo sorry that you are so unhappy and sick that you feel like there is no way out! All of us who are suffering from chronic pain and illness have felt the same way at one time or another. Please know that you are not alone and there are soooooo many things you can do to live better, feel better, etc just don't give up hope! I'm sure that there are so many wonderful qualities about you only you can't see it because the pain is so deep! It sounds like you are in an unbearable place right now and I really feel it in reading your letter. I wish I could help in some way! Maybe we could compare notes on what we are doing to manage the pain and stress in our lives. I have FS, CFS and Panic Disorder and have been sick for 7 years. This last year has been the hardest by far but last summer I was feeling better than I have in all of those years! Soooooooo. I now know that I can get well and am trying everything I can to get better including taking a medical leave at work starting in 1 week. Write back to me if you want to get some ideas and maybe I can help. I sure hope so! You are worth it and your son is worth it!
    Soft fibro-hugs, Julie (Earthdog)
  4. mykas_mommy

    mykas_mommy New Member

    After I typed this, I made sure my son was asleep and I went outside and sat on the front porch. I enjoyed the evening air and then an old friend called. We have been friends since the third grade. She knows a lot of what I have been thru and is very supportive just like you all. I started feeling better some. Then God brought me a reminder that whats going on with me isnt so bad.

    My neighbor came outside. Our sons are close to the same age and play together. Three weeks ago her 9 mo old daughter died from SIDS. Her son was taken into DHS custody. We were able to talk really talk for the first time since her daughter died. I know things could be much worse. And I know just like I have always known I can only do what I can do. It will be tight for a while but I can again bring us out of this. I am going to make my son proud.

    I am sorry I sounded so terrible. I question myself as a parent each and every minute of every day. But he is my saving grace and I am going to give him all he needs and love him more than he wants. And right now I am going to go snuggle in bed with my little man and know tomorrow is another day.
  5. dleaning

    dleaning New Member

    You have a lot of pressure on your shoulders, and PLEASE, DON'T BLAME YOURSELF!! They say things happen for a reason, even if they are horrible.

    I too have 2 sons ages 14 and 7. I also don't have the patience that I once had. I find myself yelling alot. My husband for the longest time did not understand what I was going thru. He just thought I was a hypochondriac, until a few months ago when I found out what I had. Yes, I feel alot of guilt for not being able to run around with them or just sit and play.

    Today, my youngest son had a Spring Fair at his school that he wanted to go to badly. I have been feeling horrible for the last week. Well, I finally decide to take him and what happens? IT RAINED!!! He was sooo mad at me for not taking him earlier, that he wants a new mommy.

    I wanted to cry so bad at that time out of guilt, but I just couldn't get moving fast enough.

    Please, hang in there, there is help. Don't be afraid to ask for it.

    I will pray for you and keep you in my thoughts!!

    Dawn
  6. dleaning

    dleaning New Member

  7. dleaning

    dleaning New Member

  8. Scapper

    Scapper New Member

    I agree with the advice above -- counseling for both financial and personal needs would be a great help. It is not being weak to seek help. No one can handle all of life's problems alone.

    My heart breaks for you -- please never underestimate your worth -- most especially to your son. You are his world -- he needs you and loves you.

    Please take care of yourself. There is a lot of support for people with money/spending problems. This would greatly simplify your life!

    :)