I swear I have about to give up on life. I cant keep life things going well. I get things fixed correctly and then I screw it up again. How the heck am I suppose to raise a child and give him a good life when I screw everything up? I am literally in tears because of a confrontation I just had with someone who use to help me out. I am so on edge with everything that I feel like I am breaking. I have done nothing but screw up my life and I dont want to screw up my sons. Sometimes I think it would be better for me to give him up and walk away. I love my son but he deserves better than me. I am exactly what I have been told all my life nothing but a screw up and I will never get anything right. I hurt so bad both mentally and physically. I just want to lay down and fade away. Ok here is honestly what is going on. I have screwed up my bank account so badly. I get paid tomorrow and will not have the $$ to pay the rent much less anything else. I got almost $10,000 in inheritance less than a year ago. Its all gone. I got $4000 in tax returns, its all gone. I am behind on all my bills, I have cut off letters on all of them. Back when I got my inheritance I had everything paid off and current. I was getting my credit in order so I could buy a house for us. I worked my butt off to make it better. One month I overspent and couldnt pay my rent in full so I got one of those payday advance loans. By the time it came due I didnt have the payment in full that I needed, so I just ignored it. Its now a return check. That is who I just had the confrontation with. I owe them almost $500. I have little signature loans that are past due. I am back to being in so much debt I cant even see the surface. What I do I do now? How do I take care of my son? I try to make arrangements and no one can seem to accept what I know I can do. I am so afraid. I am afraid that I am just going to snap and someone is going to get hurt. I started getting child support for the first time 2 weeks ago. I got 2 little bitty checks and then the sperm donor quit his job. I just do not understand how men can get off helping make a child and then not supporting it. Why does he get to be able to go where he wants to by himself. Why does he not have to figure out a way to feed his child when its hungry. Why does he not have to worry constantly about how things affect his child. And by gosh why does he not have to get up in the middle of the night and comfort his child when its sick, scared or what ever. Why does he not have to stay up 3 days and nights in a row when his child has colic. Why does he not have to hear from his childs daycare about the things he did wrong every day. Why didnt he have to decide to put his child on ADD meds and then get judged by anyone and everyone. And why doesnt he let his child know that he is cared about and loved. AND BY GOD WHY IS HE NOT MADE TO SUPPORT THIS CHILD. I have to face the facts that I do not make good decisions in anything. I have chosen not to get involved with men again because I choose users and abusers. I have chosen too be single for the rest of my life because my son doesnt need to or deserve to suffer because I cant make good decisions. I love my son but I dont know that I am good for him. He deserves a mommy that can run and play with him. He deserves a clean house. He deserves to be able to watch "Blues Clues" to his hearts content. When I dont feel good or am stressed out, I dont treat him well. I do not abuse my son but I yell at him. I am short with him, I am not patient with him. How do I fix this? Why do I have to make my life so hard. Why cant I just do the right things so life will be smoother? Why am I not lovable to others except for men who will use me or hit me, and then thats not love. I want to be worthy of my son. He is so precious and loving, he will blow me a kiss for no reason. He always comes up and wants a hug or "to hold you". He is only three, where did he learn to be so loving and caring? I dont deserve him at all.