non supportive Hubby

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by jetmek, Oct 4, 2002.

  1. jetmek

    jetmek New Member

    Does anyone have any ideas on how to enlighten my husband to the fact that FMS is not in my head ? The amount of Dr appts i have and the Dr statement arent enough any suggestions outside of beating him silly?Does anyone else have this problem?
  2. jetmek

    jetmek New Member

    Does anyone have any ideas on how to enlighten my husband to the fact that FMS is not in my head ? The amount of Dr appts i have and the Dr statement arent enough any suggestions outside of beating him silly?Does anyone else have this problem?
  3. herblady

    herblady New Member

    my husband is an r.n. who thinks he's a dr. thinks he knows it all. to my face he says he believes in it but to other family members he makes fun of me. and the really annoying thing he says is that most of the people who supposedly have fm are just hystrionic. i ask him, am i hystrionic? i don't whine and complain and would much rather not go to the dr. than have to go. i practically have to be forced. i just don't talk to him about it anymore. i come here. cindi
  4. queenbee69

    queenbee69 New Member

    Dear Jet...I was so sad when I read your message. I really dont know what to say about your hubby. I myself have firbo and a slew of other medical problems. My boyfriend could not be more supportive. He doesnt say much, but it has to be hard with me in so much pain all the time. I know he has to be as frustrated as I am. The only advice I have is to keep your chin up, ignore any negative feedback from him, and others, and come here when you can. Have you tried the fibro chat room? When your feeling alone and used up, go there. So many other people can relate. By the time you leave the room you will feel so much better. I always do! Listening to other people talk you tend to feel not as bad. Everyone elses problems always seem so much worse than our own. I am checking this board everyday, so if you need anything please dont hesitate to ask. Good luck to your and remember, no matter what anyone thinks, our pain is real. They cant help the fact that there clueless. Ha! queenbee69
  5. poodlegirl

    poodlegirl New Member

    It is very difficult when people do not believe there is anything wrong with us. I have no xrays or concrete proof that I have FM or CFS. people like to see things. Seeing is believing. it is unbearable when it is your husband who thinks there is nothing wrong. It has been an uphill battle with mine. He is a great person and we have a great marriage, but he thinks I can just shake it off. He somewhat is slowly learning about the diseases. But he can't comprehend the constant neverending pain. When I say exhausted he simply thinks "tired". Oh sure everyone gets tired. No I am not talking tired. I am talking crawl in a hole and die exhaustion. Here lately I have been having a lot of hysterical crying spells. He has seen me "on the edge" and himself has had to pull me back to reality. This I think has scared him. He is starting to maybe get a picture of "hey something is not right here". But I really don't think anyone can get a true picture of our pain until you have it yourself. So take him to all your doc appointments, let him read different CFS/FM sites on the web. The more he is exposed to the reality of this, he will get a clearer picture.
  6. Achy-shaky

    Achy-shaky New Member

    Your message really hit home for me too - I just had this argument with my hubby last night. In the more than 25 years together, I have always been the strong independent one that he leans on - he has no patience and won't go to the doctor for himself so has a hard time going with me. I've tried to slowly introduce him to info on FM/CFS...he still can't seem remember what Fibromyalgia is (beginning to think he has Alzheimers).

    I'm not the complaining type but sometimes have to express it and I do look sick...always limping and clumsiness is hard not to see. It's not that he thinks it's in my head (at least he hasn't said that) but he seems to always be competing with me as to who hurts the most! He is 15 yrs older than me, has arthritis in low back and constantly complaining about his pain but won't go to doctor or even take pain killers for it - go figure! I've always thought it was just his way of seeking attention like a spoiled child...which I'm to blame because he's used to me giving him back rubs every night. But whenever I bring up my pain, he has to tell me about his as if it's 10 times worse!! So I've learned how to get him to see that I need some TLC too by saying "I'll give you a back rub after you give me one." But I haven't figured out how to get him to be more emotionally supportive. I'm dealing with that by talking more with my FM family/friends either by phone or on this board - I know it makes him jealous...he asks what I'm doing on computer all the time and when I say "talking to friends who listen" - he just grunts. I still consider our relationship to be good, we don't argue much - he keeps his distance when I'm cranky and he does help out around the house which is his way of showing he cares.

    Does anyone else have a childish husband that seems to be competing for attention? Any hints on how to deal with it?

    Thanks for all your support!
  7. lilwren

    lilwren New Member

    Dear jet,

    I worry everyday that my husband will get fed up and leave, but right now my husband is very supportive overall. He is still little help emotionally – I find that on my own – especially here at the message board. It has taken literally years for him to finally ‘get it’ completely. I think this last year really did it when he realized the yard was a jungle, meals weren’t being made, dust bunnies had taken over the house and I wasn’t getting off the couch much. Also, MY attitude has changed from denial to acceptance so I had stopped pushing myself to do things, and since things weren’t getting done by me he had to do them. Guys wake up really fast when they have to vacuum and cook! One thing that has really helped is giving my husband literature to read on this DD. I print articles out and put them on the coffee table where his stack of reading material is. Sometimes he comes to me and thanks me for enlightening him on the importance of fat in our diet. Sometimes out of the blue he’ll tell me I shouldn’t be doing this or that because of my anaerobic metabolism. He is my cheerleader now – he tells me just think of this DD like turning a huge ocean liner – one tiny degree at a time – slow and steady. One thing I’ve learned with this DD is everything changes ALL the time.

    Another thing I’ve noticed is we argue a lot now about stupid things. Dr. Phil had a show on breast cancer and how it affected the whole family – he said that people in a crisis lash out at each other because of fear. I know my husband is afraid. I know that he feels helpless, as I’m sure all of our husband’s do whether they will admit it or not. Like Dancersmom said – society has made men too stoic. They were taught to suppress emotions and the only one I ever recognize in my husband is anger. So, now I remind myself that my husband is actually afraid rather than angry and that helps a lot.

    I hope that your day is not too pain filled and I hope your husband is willing to learn along with you.
  8. garlinbarb

    garlinbarb New Member

    This is not at all uncommon tho.I don't talk to my husband about it and he never asks.The only thing he ever says about it is to complain about medical expenses.

    When our sons were teens (both in mid thirties now)Hub built them an appartment of sorts so they could really he could) have their own space.Well guess who's moved to the garage now!!!???I llooovvveee it!
    I have it fixedup how I want it and he seldom if ever even comes in to "my" part ofthe house.It's good for meto have my own space. He doesn't like to have kids and animals around either. Oh well, lifes messy!

    My daughter once told him to ether jump into the river of life and swim with the rest of us or crawl off in a cave and sulk by himself, but you are NOT keeping the est of us locked away!That did me more good than a bottle of pills!

    We have a common area that we all share, Amy and I have one end of the house and the Hurmit has the other. Honestly it works for us and I couldn't live with him otherwise.

    Life is never the way we think it's supposed to be. You just have to take what you get and make the best of it. Husbands are not usually your best support. I know a few are but they are the exception and not the rule.Women need other women for support.After all how could a man be expected to comprehend what it's like to be a woman, and a sick one at that? Men need their men friends too. One person can't be your everything, except in the movies!
    Barb
  9. TerriM

    TerriM New Member

    My husband is fairly supportive overall although he does come up with comments like "you don't LOOK sick" and "joe blow has cancer and he can work" . . . and the worst of all is "you should never have had that surgery" after which I developed the illness. He supports me literally, but not emotionally. We've been married 13 years and I've always been very energetic, worked full time in a major stress job, commuted 3 hours round trip, took care of my elderly mother and made 2/3's of our income . . . he is now feeling the pressure now that I can't work. The company refuses to pay disability because I don't have a "firm diagnosis" of the underlying problem. The worst part is being used to a busy life with lots of interests and then being confined to home and completely lonely! (outside of the scary episodes of memory problems and allergic reactions that is)
  10. leann_sweeney

    leann_sweeney New Member

    But when a friend's wife was diagnosed, wow! Suddenly my illness was real. That, and the loss of his mother made him change. He realized I was not trying to get sympathy. I was just looking for support. I also had a problem with my son, who was very judgmental about all my medicine. I should diet and exercise and everything would be fine. Don't I wish. He is very computer savvy, so I directed him to a few links and he also decided my problems could be real. He backed off on the lectures and now seems to understand. There is a good article in the new Fibro Aware magazine about the difficulties husbands and significant others have. Get a hold of the mag, slog through all the ads for vitamins and ask him to read the article. Communicate is what I'm saying. And you might want to choose a time when you're not feeling your worst. Hope this helps. Tough problem, I know. As Dr. Phil says, we all need a soft place to fall. This forum is wonderful, but there is no substitute for a gentle human touch.
  11. motg

    motg New Member

    My husben says that he understands but he does not help out and complanes when he has to watch our child or help out around the house. But when he gets a cold he lies in bed all day and does nothing but complane.
    Barb
  12. jetmek

    jetmek New Member

    So im not the only one with a defective hubby i appreciate your support huggles and be well
  13. herblady

    herblady New Member

    one thing i don't have to worry about. no matter what's wrong with me david ain't going nowhere. he'd be scared to death to be without me, no matter how he acts. he's stuck with me during times when i was so seriously psychotic and stuff (i have schizoaffective disorder). i do feel bad for those of you who do have to worry. some people just forget all about the "in sickness and in health" part. cindi
  14. klutzo

    klutzo New Member

    Go to a shrink or a psychologist and ask to take the MMPI test. Ask for a copy of your results and put the black and white results in front of your hubby's nose so he can see that your hysteria scale is normal.
    I was a Psychiatric Social Worker before FMS and my hubby is my biggest supporter, but if anyone had accused me of being histrionic, I had the test results to prove it false, since I had been subjected to 11 hrs. of testing before my internship. If your hubby is the type who has to see something to believe it, this may do it for you.
    Klutzo
    [This Message was Edited on 10/06/2002]
  15. lavender_butterfly

    lavender_butterfly New Member

    A college prof of mine called it the Peter Pan syndrome. They are always looking for their Wendy to "take care of them". When they get the slightest cold or the tiniest boo-boo on their little finger, they are laid up in bed for days, whining and begging for comfort and care. But the instant we get sick, we are overexaggerating, lazy, imagining it, etc.

    My prof explained that those types of men act helpless and compete for attention...why? Because they are AFRAID. They have convinced themselves, over the years, that they can't make it on their own. Some guys are only moderately Peter Pan. They can't figure out how to do the laundry or where the laundry basket even is (socks and underwear ALL OVER the house. Sound familiar?). My prof's husband couldn't even pick out his own clothes by himself. She had to lay out his outfits the night before or he would go to work completely mismatched. What is up with that?

    My husband does crap like that, too. But I started fighting back, even before I got sick. I was working more hours than him and make twice as much as he was. So why the hell should I be the only one responsible for cooking, cleaning, and laundry? I think...um...maybe...NOT! He has some of his own health problems and he is always trying to act like he is worse off than I am. I take numerous different angles to deal with him trying to outdo me. Sometimes, I ignore him. Sometimes I get in his face and tell him to stop acting like a baby and act like a man. Sometimes, I tell him if he didn't cry wolf so much, I would be more willing to listen. Sometimes I tell him if he showed me more concern and caring, he would get the same in return. Sometimes, I sigh and tell him that if he is really too sick to help, I will do it, and end up disabled and then he really can do it all on his own from then on.

    Sometimes it works, sometimes it backfires. I try to take it day by day. Since I had my most recent flare, and the most severe of my flares, he has really started to change his attitude. But that might have something to do with the fact that I told him he was completely unreliable, selfish, and I was better off on my own, so I would be divorcing him. He really changed his tune then, let me tell you.

    Another prof of mine once said

    "If it has tires or testicles, its bound to give you troubles"

    LOL! I am so sorry if this post has offended anyone. I know there are lots of wonderful men out there who don't act this way. But my man does, so I feel like I can speak from a position of experience.

    Thanks for listening!