nonconsensual sex

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by sheelanagigs, Jan 17, 2003.

  1. sheelanagigs

    sheelanagigs New Member

    dear all

    i feel very concerned when i read of folks (men and women) who "just give in" and have sex with their partner because the PWCFS or PWFM or PWME hurts or has no energy but feels sex is a duty or because of guilt or because partner is pressuring PWCFS/ME/FM etc

    mutual nonconsensual sex is abuse and rape, in my opinion . and it is very bad sexual manners if nothing else. it must be devastating to be the person who "gives in"..i cannot imagine what that does to an already abused self-esteem.

    i find it appalling that a partner would "insist" on sex when the one he or she is supposed to care for is hurting or exhausted

    this is not to say that sex cannot be negotiated--let me take a long bath and see how i feel. maybe it you rubbed my neck for a while sitting on the sofa or let's see what a provigil will do or i'll take my pain meds a bit early--you warm the lube!

    sometimes if i'm really anxious and stressing about other stuff and my partner wants sex, we talk about it and sometimes just talking about it, piques my interest and desire because i have focused; sometimes it doesn't..

    even though i realise there is great endorphin release with sex and orgasm, i know that oftentimes i'll hurt the next day, when those endorphins aren't there....sometimes it's worth it to hurt the next day; sometimes it's not

    we have, thank god, been able to be comfortable with creativity, but it took therapy to get us there

    for ALL of us with "THIS STUFF" i DO feel some place where we can vent our feelings is a good thing--therapist, counselor, pastoral care (yes, many good ministers and priests talk openly about sex and are quite sex positive. sex IS sacramental and "God energy" is the same energy as sex energy--all that creation stuff!), group support, journalling, etc.

    take care of one another, please
  2. teach6

    teach6 New Member

    Not everyone is lucky enough to be in a relationship where the other partner respects their needs and limitations. My ex finally left me, years before I had a dx, because he said I was making up all the symptoms I had to get back at him because he traveled all the time. He was projecting the way he thinks onto me and assumed I would react the way he would.

    In a relationship that has deteriorated like that, depsite attempts at counseling, life is not perfect and what we allow to happen is very hurtful to our self-esteem. Sometimes the other partner has made us feel as if we have no choices, cannot live without their income, etc.

    It's not all cut and dried. I am an intelligent woman who married far too young to a person who was not anything like I thought he was. I stayed in the marriage for way too long in part becasue I didn't believe in divorce. I took my marriage vows seriously. It took a lot of counseling to help me see that he was the one with the problem and I was indeed the victim.

    We had gone way past the point of negotiation. It had turned into doing it his way or putting up with his mood swings if I didn't. It wasn't until he left me that I realized how bad the situation had become.

  3. sheelanagigs

    sheelanagigs New Member

    my exhusband and i both "got" CFS/ME/FM at the same time; the symptoms appeared just after our honeymoon (see my profile) ..he was an extraordinarily gifted therapist who totally cratered and became abusive (or tried to). you're right--therapy doesn't help with those who aren't interested. i lived single and celibate for over ten years. i went back into therapy AGAIN and fouond a lot of answers and healed a lot of wounds in myself. i had finally learned enough to really shop for a good therapist as hard as i doctor shop.

    my best friend's wife died and years later, we got together, took the risk, started dating, lived together and got married. i guess at nearly fifty years of age, i finally realised FOR MYSELF that Amy Hempel's quote "it takes one hell of a man to replace no man at all" was right on. if k's wife had not died and i had not known him so well as closest straight and only straight male friend, i probably never would have dated again. i was okay with who i was and didn't have to explain this stuff that i have and listen to dates who had an easy answer--how tedious

    no, i am not saying this is an intellectual process and i am not saying it is easy and textbook--it is NOT, you are right.

    but for me nonconsensual sex is never okay; for me it would be abusive and i would be in a lawyer's office with rape charges if anyone ever in any way forced me to have sex i didn't want, but that it i. years of being a sex and HIV educator and now enroute to being ordained a priest and having the clergy misconduct training, i have nothing good to say for nonconsensual sex.

    we, who are already so violated by this stuff we have and we who are abused by doctors (i tolerate no garbage from them either; i was a nurse for too many years) and alleged health care systems. we are not treated well by society. well, you know, the list goes much of this i have no control over, but some i do and i guess i empower myself as best i can


    good for you for getting out of an unhealthy relationship
    this "stuff" is hard even on a good day