not a fibro subject, but i need advice.... please

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by ANGELEO728, May 28, 2009.

  1. ANGELEO728

    ANGELEO728 New Member

    My mom died in feb of 07. It was verry unexpected and like with so many other deaths, it caused a great bit of trouble in the family.I was accused of killing my mom and other asanine things. My "grandmother" and her two other daughters didn't want a funeral or viewing for my mom. I refused and had a viewing and afterwards she was creamated per her request. It was very bitter between my family and myself. I was a single mom to a 1yo boy and had to deal with my moms death alone. My little brother couldn't be there bc he is incarcerated.

    My grandmother has sent rude and very hurtful letters and cards to my home and doesn't put a return address on them. She moved back to Florida after my mom passed. So, therefore she has the last word so to speak. I have done some research on the net and found her address. I want to send her a letter and let her know that she is an evil woman in my eyes. I have thought of doing this now for over two years but due to other issues in my life I have not had the time or energy.

    I feel the need to get this off my chest and let her have it!!! I know this may not be healthy but I can't help it.
  2. Rafiki

    Rafiki New Member

    It's times like this that I wish the "Chit Chat" board had another name so that people with more serious issues, like yours, could more easily understand how useful a board it is.

    All OT (off topic) posts have a home on Chit Chat where you fill find most of the same posters who are here.

    There is a lot going on in the medical side of things right now so OT post will probably get a much better response on the Chit Chat board.

    Best to you,

    ETA Just go to the drop down menu at the upper right (Select a Board) and select Chit Chat.

    [This Message was Edited on 05/28/2009]
  3. pacotaco

    pacotaco New Member

    I agree with you 100%! if you dont have fibro, the ongoing stress you put yourself thru with granma, will surely give it to you...and if you have it, it will get worse! going back and forth with the reading of the letters ,will just keep your problem alive, her words are only hurtful, not helpful so why read them? it is not going to lead to anything that will make relations better for you both so why read them. Just toss them out and thten tell yourself that the place for her words are right where you put them! in the trash!!!enjoy and love the lil person you have there for you,your son..dont let her take that away from you !!! hope for the best for you...
  4. Catseye

    Catseye Member

    You can't feed the negative energy - that's the kind of thing that can go on forever. You can start writing letters, and go back and forth awhile spewing horrible things to each other, but if you are the sensible one then you will eventually conclude that you have to stop and you will. So just don't even start, be the sensible one right now.

    When people think weirdo things like this, you can't change their mind or reason with them. So anything you say is not going to make a bit of difference. If grandma is Darth Vader and you are Luke Skywalker, what do you think Yoda would tell you to do? He would say "Write her, you must not. A hurtful old biddy, she is. Gas, she has". Kind of a dopey analogy, but still very basic.
  5. trini23

    trini23 New Member

    Everyone had a good reply to your post, I especially like the Vader and luke =) but then I am a star wars fan lol

    here is more to think a child I never understood the eye for an eye saying till I got older and had wanted to do eye for an eye simply because I was hurting and wanted them to feel the same pain...then karma sets in and well I got married young at 18 barley out of high school, married a man who loved eye for an eye and loved to brain wash your mind, I swear this man could have been a great FBI/CIA but with an extra added name to the title * psycho
    ( divorced him after 6 years of my personal hell )

    anyways what I am getting at is, when you do eye for an eye simply thinking it will make you feel better doesn't because once you send that letter to her, your mind plays tricks on you, if your a good person, you will feel guilt , if your a bad person , you want to do more to hurt them because one letter will not make you feel better.

    In the end your stuck between a rock and a hard place. So now your wondering well how do I take what she did , say and do to do I get over that?
    well many ways you can do things that will not reflect back to you....first think of your grandmothers age, she is at the age of you can't teach an old dog a lesson, she is at her prime where change is not an option, she may read your letter and only take a few of what you say to heart, but in the end she may still feel strongly of what she said to you because she is hurting too.
    Think about it, this is her mother, no parent in fact would ever want to out live her own child, and now she has to live with that knowledge of never having to speak to her daughter, never being able to see her
    n her mind she felt you want to do the right thing for how things should be done to your mothers funeral, each of you thinking they are right in what you both feel is right.
    your not the only family members that have gone through a similar situation others are worst, but life has a funny way of fixing it's self, time heals all wounds for some people, in your case your grandmother has no real time....the biggest thing you can ever do is this, and at first it will hurt to do it, BUT your still young and as you stated have a child, one you don't want your child learning eye for an eye is good, two no one will know but yourself that the biggest person between your grandmother is you...if you do this.

    DO write that letter, DO NOT put your name, use I and grandma, mom , use alias for names never use real names then if you want put it in a bottle, throw it into the ocean, if ocean is not what you want, if you have a fireplace of some kind, burn it!! if you choose to burn , you can use real names. the reason why you should write it, it's because you need to vent your anger, your hurt, your stress, your emotional state, you have to release it someway and this is the best way other then talking about it to member no, it just makes it worst....
    SO now that is established, now let me get back to the
    " Time heals all wounds for some people, in your case your grandmother has no real time....the biggest thing you can ever do is this, and at first it will hurt to do it "

    from personal experience, what you need to do is, suck it in and forgive, forgive yourself for the negative thoughts, forgive your grandmother, as I stated she really has no real time in life to be in a family feud. now this will be the hardest part for you to do, because even though you did the steps, this one is the biggest step to do. Call her and ask for forgiveness....tell her your sorry for not doing what she wanted to do for your mothers funeral, for her daughters funeral, explain to her, you felt at the time it was the right thing to do , and that your heart was in pain from the loss of your mother, your mind was not thinking right of others loss as well. That if you could turn time you would but you can't and now all you can do is learn from the lesson that in the end you should have all talked it out before anyone made a real decision on what to do with your mother funeral.

    now that's just an example. say what you think is right to get her to forgive you, one of you has to do the forgiving the other to suck it in and move on. it is a hard thing to do , but we know older people have a hard time asking for forgiveness IF they are set in their ways ( mind you not just older people, but young adults, people in general...but in this case, I assume from what I read your grandmother was livid about the situation, and that tells me she is one who has a hard time asking for forgiveness )

    Now after this, you will feel some frustration still, but not soo much as before, and as I said Time heals all wounds, your grandmother may still be angry, but your kindness words of asking for forgiveness will seep into her memory and every time she wants to be angry over the situation or talks about it, she will remember you did ask for forgiveness and that right there will make her less angry.
    now if she doesn't receive your calls, you should write it to her. If this all doesn't work , at least you know in your heart you tried and you didn't make the situation worst by sending an eye for an eye letter.

    In my case, it took my first born child to warm my step dad's heart (who raised me as his own since I was 4 years old, I was his and my mothers only child ) this was enough for me to ask for forgiveness for him for not believing me was a stupid sweater my cousin gave me for hammy downs, it was a mess. but I got hurt in the process and ran away from home. My father is a proud man, set in the old ways, yes I live with the memory, but I have wrestled my own demons from that situation and send it back to heck where it belongs.

    In the end , my parents are back in my life, my first born who help warm the situation, and the rest of my children have my parents in their life, simply because I women up as for say, sucked in my own painful heart and even though the old situation was not totally my fault, I asked for forgiveness =)

    Hope this helps,
    Take care

    P.S. when it comes to a funeral, no one is really right, everyone is very much in an emotional state that they don't think well, but try to do what they feel is best in their heart, sometimes hurting those who are still living among them.

  6. I also would put it all in an envelope and send it back to her, then anything else put return t o sender putting her address on the return address.
  7. ANGELEO728

    ANGELEO728 New Member

    I would call her, but I don't have her current number since she moved back to Florida after my mother's death. I happened to find her address on the internet and have written a letter ( rather nasty one) to send to her. I wrote it last week and have yet to send it simply because I do have a heart and morals and I don't want to hurt her and fan the flames so to speak. Maybe a heartfelt apology and let her know I am doing my part to forgive her for hurting me would be better???? I just don't know. It almost makes me physically sick to my tummy thinking about her retaliation. She never puts a return address, I can't do a return to sender.

    Why does life have to be so tough at times?? Anyway, I know I'm not the only person who has gone through something such as this and thought maybe you all would have some good advice!! I was right.... You are all great.
    Thanks again,
  8. frickly

    frickly New Member

    I went through a difficult time with my mother in law who ran me over for several years. I felt like you did, It became an issue that I thought about way too much and it only hurt me. I wrote a long letter spilling out every single thing that has been eating away at me. I was going to give it too her and my husband and I were going to have it out with her. After reading it over a few times I decided it would only make things worse and cause a bigger rift in our relationship. I had to face that she was here to stay and there was no way I was going to change her. She is a very strong personality and is never wrong (so she thinks). I decided to start taking the control back when she was around, which is very difficult to do with her. I made it clear in round about ways that she was not to be a mother to my children and did not have the right to act this way and treat me like an outsider.

    I think understanding that you cannot change another person and taking control of your life makes a huge difference. The only thing you can control is your reaction to her. Also, writing the letter helped me alot. I got all of it out on the paper and it was a huge releif, eventhough I did not give it to her.

    You know you did the right thing for your mom and that's all that matters. Send those letters back to your grandmother unopened and be done with it.

    Take care,
  9. kjfms

    kjfms Member

    I am very sorry you have to go through this and also my condolences on the loss of your mother.

    This is just a thought: Since you now know her address, I would mail the offensive back to her and tell her not to contact you again. It might make you feel better anyway.

    Best of luck and peace to you,