Not having a good day. Could really use a hug

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by EllenComstock, Aug 22, 2006.

  1. EllenComstock

    EllenComstock New Member

    Hi, Everyone:

    I am feeling tired and frustrated. My husband has not been working as much this year since his job has been really slow. We live in Michigan and I think the economy has been slow all over. Gas prices certainly don't help.

    I am thankful we don't have as many bills as others here and no small children to support, but it has been stressful at times. I feel fortunate that I don't have to work full-time like others here do, but it is difficult at times to even work part-time. I am glad I like my job and it does pay well. I try to be positive and not let things get me down.

    So my husband has had a lot of free time, but I don't feel that I have benefited at all from this. He doesn't help me around the house (I know-this is unfortunately a common problem for women everywhere). I talked to him again this morning, but I never feel like I get anywhere. Or he might do more for a day or two and then he stops helping again. He always wants credit when he does help, but where is my credit for doing everything day in and day out? He has always been a hard worker as far as his job goes (he's a truck driver), but it frustrates me that I don't get help especially when I keep telling him that I am always tired and always hurting with the FMS.

    He likes to joke around, but sometimes his "jokes" are more hurtful than funny. Like last night I complained that he never finished helping me with laundry, and as I was gathering up clothes for another load, he laughed and said I needed to pick up his socks to be washed. He keeps telling me he knows he goes "overboard" on the jokes and he is sorry, but he keeps doing it! It seems to me if he was really sorry, he would stop doing it.

    I just wish he could feel like I do for a few days-then maybe he would understand how I feel. He would probably be amazed at all I do despite how I feel. I have always been a fighter and I'm determined not to let FMS and other health issues get me down. I try to take care of myself and take a nap every afternoon. It would be so nice to have him offer to do the dishes after dinner sometimes so I could sit down and rest.

    When he is not working, he often is visiting members of his family and just generally goofing off. I think it's great that he is close to his family, but I don't feel like I am a priority in his life. On the days he isn't working, it would be so nice to come home and have some of the household chores done. He keeps saying that he can pay the bills to help. While this would be helpful, it's actually one of the easiest things for me to do with the FMS. It would be much more helpful for him to do things that are hard for me physically like vacuuming and dishes.

    He does like to do things with me on the weekends, but I have trouble having the energy to do this with working part-time, housework, and there is my mentally ill brother that I need to call and visit sometimes. And there are all the things I need to do to take care of myself like exercise, take medications, my daily nap, dr. appts., etc.

    Now I am having surgery in December that will hopefully restore the hearing in my right ear. I spent the summer going to the hospital for physical therapy along with the exercises they wanted me to do at home to help my balance problem. I have problems with double vision. I also have endometriosis, IBS, interstitial cystitis, low thyroid, and have an implant to help with some of the bladder problems.

    Sorry this is so long, but I am feeling really down, frustrated and definitely on overload. Unfortunately, I have to work two extra hours today to attend a training on our new phone system at work and I am feeling really wiped out.

    I would appreciate any hugs and words of encouragement-thanks!

  2. morningsonshine

    morningsonshine New Member

    Gentle (((((((Hugs)))))

    coming your way!

    I think it's really hard for our guys to understand this DD, especially if there're doing great themselves.

    It's hard not to feel misunderstood, and unloved by the one who is suppose to care the most.

    My take on this is that my husband doesn't know how to fix it for me, and it is to overwhelming for him to deal with.

    Can you spell, d-e-n-i-a-l! LOL

    [This Message was Edited on 08/23/2006]
  3. alaska3355

    alaska3355 New Member

    Sometimes life is tough....sounds like you need a more sympathetic spouse. I'm sure he'll come around....keep trying to have a heart to heart with him.

    I hope your day at work goes smoothly and that you have energy to get through it. I'll be thinking about you! Love, Terri
  4. hob

    hob New Member

    Hi Ellen,

    I just want you to know that you are not alone. I am sending you happy thoughts and a soft hug. Just a thought but maybe your husband struggles with coping with how you feel because I know everyone deals with sickness in a different way and maybe the jokes and having you do the housework makes him feel like you aren't as sick as he thinks and knows that you may be. big hug.

  5. PrariWolf

    PrariWolf New Member

    I really feel for you, you are doing so much that it worre me out just reading about your day. Someone who wrote an article about fibro/cfs said to get a feel for it she forced herself to not sleep for 2 nights, and then at day 3 meditated on what it would be like to feel like that ALL the time. Maybe you could have your husband try that. Also, if money isn't too tight, maybe you could get someone in to do your vacuuming and other housework. Once a week is surprisingly cheap (if my SSD is approved it's the first thing I'm lining up). Meanwhile, consider yourself gently hugged once more, from one more woman here who knows what you are going through.
  6. EllenComstock

    EllenComstock New Member

    for the hugs and responses. This message board is such a lifesaver! Since I wrote this post, my husband and I talked again. He said he was sorry and he had done some of the vacuuming. But we've been down this road before and it isn't long before it's back to me doing everything.

    Yes, I agree that he is in denial. He has been great taking me to dr. appts. when he's not working and he does read the FMS and other health issues literature and books I leave around. He sometimes says (although not as much as he once did), that "we are going to get you fixed up". He said that he sometimes says and does things just out of the stress and frustration he feels over our situation. He keeps telling me he will never leave me just because I am sick. He did find me a good used scooter and we take that to places that require a lot of walking. So in his own way he is helpful, but it's the day-to-day responsibilities that I feel so alone with.

    We got married seven years ago and we didn't realize how sick I was then. I had had some health issues, but not like now. Since then, I have cut back to part-time work and I have my summers off. I have been trying to take better care of myself by pacing and I always take an afternoon nap for an hour or so. I do have a better dr. so I'm sleeping better.

    Yes, I admit I am a perfectionist and a caregiver. I helped care for my mother and mentally ill brother for years. Old habits die hard I guess. Both of my parents are gone now and my brother is in a group home. This summer I had to resign from the guardianship. My brother's mental illness is worse and I just couldn't handle being his guardian any longer. I still check in on him and still feel so responsible for him. He and I were so close as children and played together a lot. I have two other siblings, but one of them is also mentally ill and the other does nothing to help. My husband has been good with my brother and has helped with him at times.

    I have thought of just doing my own laundry and leaving his. Tonight we will talk about this.

    I would love a housekeeper, but money is a problem. I have cut back on how much I do and I don't clean some things as often. I've also found some products that make cleaning easier like the Swiffer duster. I love our three cats, but they do create messes. I also do most of the yard work (except mowing), but I have always loved gardening and would hate to give this up. My flowers are good therapy. My husband does help with the harder yard chores like raking.

    Oops-here I go again talking too much. Thanks again, everyone.

  7. Adl123

    Adl123 New Member

    I think you are wondeerful for doing the amount of stuff that you are doing. You are a very strong person.

    I send you a big hug, and I want you to know that I'm with you, and I'll be praying for you.

  8. hugs4evry1

    hugs4evry1 New Member

    It's been so long since I remember hearing from you but I'm sorry you're going through another rough time.

    Usually when women get upset, we do something about it. We get going, we get mad, we get busy etc....

    But men just seem to "get" more like men. It's like puffing up their tale feathers to look bigger and more attractive. (Never works...just bugs the crap out of us)

    I've always told my husband that "God didn't give me one of "these" and you one of "those" to make me the maid" I'm not!!

    He can do his own laundry, he can cook a few times a week too, especially if he's not ill too. Marriage is a partnership, not a dictatorship. If he wants something cleaned, he can clean it I sit here and watch my Roomba do the vacuuming, and I didn't cook dinner tonight because I'm just toooo tired today.

    Oh well...

    Hugs and best wishes,

    Nancy B.
  9. EllenComstock

    EllenComstock New Member

    I really appreciate everyone's insight. I love how we women surround eachother with love and support. We understand eachother because many of us have gone through, or are going through the same thing.

    I no longer cook every night. Sometimes we go out, but other times I just am too tired and that's when we have TV dinners. We call those the "do your own thing" nights.

    Nancy-I love your sense of humor! I told my husband this morning that where is it written that women will do all the housework and pick up after their men? I told him I was tired of being the maid!

  10. ida01

    ida01 New Member

    Here is a gental HUG for you.
    Husbands, family and friends sometimes do not completly understand what we are going through. Somedays are worse than others as we all know.
    I gave my family, friends and husband all a brochure on Fibromyalgia to read. Now they can relate, know what to expect of me and what they can do to help me and what this
    terrible illness does to us. I still need to give the info. to few more family members, soon.
    My husband is absolutely WONDERFUL. He saw, and see's how I have changed, what I go through everyday, for the past six years. He also goes to doctors appt's. with me when he can, that helps alot also. He can see and hear how I suffer, what I can and cannot do, what he can do to help and what the pain is like that I live with. I an blessed with such a wonderful man. We will be married 30yrs. in Oct.06. Our daughter is getting married this
    Oct.06 and has dated her fiance as long as I dated my husband, isn't that a coincidence.
    But anyway, think positive, communicate with your husband and don't be afraid to ask for help. We are all used to doing things by ourselves, our way, but we need more help now.
    Good Luck, hang on there. Hugs to you. Ida01
  11. MsE

    MsE New Member

    You've got it! {{{{{{{{{{{{{Ellen}}}}}}}}}}}}
  12. matthewson

    matthewson New Member

    I know what you mean about the Michigan economy! It really stinks right now! My daughter is trying to sell her condo. because she is getting married and no luck so far!

    Honey, I have been having some trouble with my husband also, which I posted in another thread. I know from what you have said before that you have a good husband and some of the stuff he is doing sounds very similar to what my husband was doing for a few months.

    We went through a rough patch, but things are much better now, but I had to sic his mom, sister and kids on him, until he straightened up. He was SO good to me when I was first diagnosed, but I think sometimes it just really gets to him that I can't do the same things I used to do. Your husband may be having similar problems with this, but I know he loves you and cares about you a lot.

    My husband is not particularly helpful around the house either. I have had to relax my standards a lot, because it was too hard to get everything done and take my sitting breaks too. I also work part-time, thank goodness, and on those days I literally do nothing! I try to cook in bulk on my off days, so I can just heat up dinner on the days I am working. I have trained my husband to heat up the dinner, or we don't eat, I am literally that tired after work!

    I also do not vacuum at all! If I do I send myself into a flare, so my husband has to do all the vacuuming, so you know how often that gets done! LOL

    I will tell you that I had to sit my husband down and tell him that my main priority was being fit to work because I have the health benefits for the whole family, as my husband is self-employed. I told him, that if I wore myself out doing chores, I would not be able to work. That helped somewhat and he will help me, but I have to be specific about what needs to be done and than get after him until he does it!

    So, honey, I know how you feel and I know how awful it can be to have to work extra days that we are not used to! And to not have our house as clean as we would like. But, we can only do what we can do and no more. That is the hardest thing to get used to!

    Here is a gentle ((HUG)) for you! Take care, Sally
  13. Jo29

    Jo29 New Member

    You sound like you are just run down. I am soooo sorry that you are one of the casualties of men.

    My husband was like this for a long time until I just absolutely could not do any more.

    Things progressed slowly, but they did progress. I just slowly did less and less and he did more and more.

    One of the first places to start is meals. They love to eat and will find something for themselves. I would just eat a small bit of something and he finally caught on that if he wanted to eat he would have to fend for himself.

    Also, if I don't get to his dirty clothes, he eventually washes them himself. I was too tired even to nag at him. I just quit doing things. After a while he actually got used to this system and would get so excited and appreciative when I would actually cook a meal!! Ha Who would have thought!

    If my husband wants to have people over, he has to help clean the house or they don't come over. He usually helps with any meals that we serve.

    Things are working out great here and I have gotten much better so I am able to do more now, but he is still willing to take up the slack.

    Here's a hug for you too (((((((hug)))))))

  14. kriket

    kriket New Member

    Here is a GIANT HUG. Just know that we all care and are understanding. Your mind and body need to rest. I hope you are feeling better soon.

  15. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    Hi, Ellen, I've missed you! You must be back at work already. Where did the summer go? (If you have a lot of time someday, I'll tell you. lol)

    In the past you've said that your husband is a good guy, and I'm sure he is but he also sounds right now like a big kid, am I right? If I were you I'd handle it kinda like he was a kid. In the mornings I'd say, Honey, please do this and that for me today. That'll be so great. Thanks! Assume he'll do it. Then when you get home and he's done it, praise him to the skies. It's a bit like training a puppy. They mean well but they get easily distracted. Shhhhhhh. Don't tell the guys.

    And you're right, our economy is tight which makes for a lot of stress as well as you having the concern for your brother. I suspect your husband's worried too and this is his way of taking the pressure off - only it puts more on you!. It's a hard time right now everyone.



  16. EllenComstock

    EllenComstock New Member

    It was so great to come in to work this morning and see more replies to my post! Your hugs and kind words help me so much!! Where would we be without this board-probably in the stress center!

    Marta - yes, I am back to work again. I went back last week. And while I love my job, it is definitely more stressful going back after being off for three months. Plus, it's busier at the beginning of the school year. Classes start on Monday and that whole week is just crazy! Fortunately, most of the time my job is pretty layed-back or I couldn't do it. I know that next week is going to be a killer for me. Yes, the Michigan economy really stinks.

    Hubby and I had a talk last night. It was pretty short. I just told him that from now on we would only wash our own clothes. I will still do the towels and sheets since I want clean ones on a weekly basis. He would rather wait until he has no more clean clothes and then do the washing. That just doesn't work for me, especially with the FMS. Can you imagine us doing ten loads of laundry on one day? Or we're in the middle of a flare and there are no clean bras or underwear? He said that doing his own washing was fine with him.

    And here's another shocker-he actually put on the grocery list I keep on the refrigerator that we needed more coffee! I don't drink it so I never know if we are low or not. Maybe there is some hope?

    Yes, basically my husband is a good man-just terrible with the housework. He doesn't understand making beds or vacuuming once a week. This seems to be an epidemic with the opposite sex. But he is good in other ways. He gave me a massage earlier this week when I was really hurting and sometimes we will go out to eat when I don't feel like cooking. And he does go to the dr. with me when his work schedule doesn't interfere.

    But why is it that men need instructions on how to vacuum? He did vacuum the porch yesterday, but needed me to tell him how to do it. (??)

    Here I go again talking too much. Thanks, everyone.

  17. CockatooMom

    CockatooMom New Member

    I sure hope that today find you feeling better.

    I understand what it's like too. My husband jokes by saying "Ugh! I gotta do everything." Most days I can overlook it, but last night I told him that if I quit doing everything I do around here, maybe you'd see how much I REALLY DO! (I doubt it) Men just aren't programmed that way.

    For me, what works, is when I DO praise him and thank him SO MUCH for 'helping me.' I don't mind giving his ego a boost as long as he does what I ask.

    My hubby never notices ANYTHING I do, even fixing my hair and wearing make-up. I give up on all that right now. I have more important things to deal with, school starts September 5th!

    Hang in there sweetie!
  18. mel4me

    mel4me New Member

    I know where you are coming from.I'm bipolar,have FM ,and had more surgerys than you can shake a stick at,matter of fact I am recovering from surgey now.I found out by reading,no surgar, caffeine ,breads,potatoes,wheat or white,no red meat,keeps my fm under control,to where I hardly know I have it.Its a hard diet to follow,but I would rather do without theese foods and be pain free.What is really hard is when I'm cooking for my son and his father,watching them eat all that good food.chicken or fish and a true all we are allowed to eat,try it a couple of days,you will be shocked of the results. melissa
  19. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    Hi, Ellen, it's me again.

    You said: But why is it that men need instructions on how to vacuum? He did vacuum the porch yesterday, but needed me to tell him how to do it. (??)

    I laughed because it seems that the men I know either know exactly how everything should be done ! or they need instructions. There seems to be no middle ground.

    Must be things are looking up for you if he's added to the grocery list! Keep up the good work and try to focus on the good stuff. Gearing up for another long winter of work must be stressful.

    Here's another hug: ((((((((((( ELLEN ))))))))))))

  20. EllenComstock

    EllenComstock New Member

    I can't believe all the answers to my post! Well, today I am sticking to my guns and just put my clothes in the washer before leaving for work. I grew up with a dad who was a real rarity, but I didn't know it at the time. He was an architect so maybe that explains why he was so domestic. My mother used to complain because he was always in the kitchen wanting to help her with dishes! He used to do his own mending, loved to wallpaper and do other decorating in the house. Sometimes he vacuumed. He also did the "man stuff", too.

    I thought all men were this way. It was quite a shocker when I got out in the "real" world! My grandfather was also very domestic. He used to do a lot of cooking. He always cooked on Sundays to give my grandma the day off from the kitchen.


[ advertisement ]