NOT having a very good day...

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by dzlady, Nov 4, 2010.

  1. dzlady

    dzlady New Member

    I am very down today. I have no energy and its all I can do to keep from crawling back into bed. I called my husband because I was hoping that would help my mood and he was busy, couldn't talk. I have been worrying about my son quite a bit as the 15th is soon approaching and I get upset over the whole thing all over again.

    I havent told anyone what's been going on with him because its not something that I want everyone to know about, however, I am kind of anonymous here and I need to vent to someone. Only family and my best friend knows and I kind of need to get other takes on this. So here goes...

    July 1st, my (now 18 yr old) son was staying with my mother. He went to my sisters with her. My sister has 4 children, 9, 8 and 7 yr old boys and a 6 yr old girl. According to what my son has told me and from reading all the affidavits that have been submitted to the police department about this, the 8 yr old boy attempted to de-pants my son messing around. My son wears his pants down around his hips, instead of where they belong, and was wearing a belt that day, so he wasnt able to get his pants down. So my son turned around and de-pants'd the 8 yr old. I'm not able to make heads nor tails of what took place after that from the statements that have been made as they tend to vary from this point on. It appears that my son may have taken a game system controller and flicked the 8 yr olds wee-wee. For what reason, I am unsure. In the presence of this incident were the 9 yr old boy and a 7 yr old neighbor girl.

    My sister calls me at 230 am and is upset, crying that my son has molested her son and asks me what to do. Really? I wouldnt have to ask anyone what to do at this point, if that is what I thought. Anyhow, I told her to make a police report and she didnt want to do that because my son is her "pick" of all the nieces and nephews. So I told her that if she didnt make a police report, the state could come in and take her children away, should they find out that she was not protecting her children. Anyhow to make a long story short, she wasnt going to make the report. Her fiancee went over to my mothers house while she was away and assaulted my son. My sister calls me to tell me what took place so I call to speak to my son. He is crying and says he doesnt want to die. Apparently, the fiancee threatened to kill him if he reported it to the police. (the fiancee is an ex-con) I called the police and reported the assault and drove to get my son to bring him home.

    When I get there to pick him up, my sister has called the police and has reported the incident...tit for tat, so to speak. The state has charged my son with Child Molestation in the 2nd degree, a class A misdemeanor. If he pleads guilty in court on the 15th, he will be a registered sex offender with up to 1 year in county jail and up to $1000 fine. However, if he goes in and pleads not guilty, the prosecutor will increase the charge to Child Molestation in the 1st degree, a Class B Felony punishable with up to 15 years in prison, and the sex offender status.

    What's sad is that this is a stupid childish stunt that he pulled and he will have to pay for it for the rest of his life. He has ADHD and is not medicated, which makes his impulse control almost nil. Had he been medicated he would have had the mind to stop and think about this before he took action. Not only that, in looking thru some of the state and federal laws regarding sex offenses, and the mindset of older teenagers I have come across several things that just make me furious at this whole thing. They mature mind does not completely develop until the age of 25. And, how would you like to be judged for the rest of your life for something you did as a teenager. I know myself, I pulled some pretty stupid stunts as a teenager and would hate to think that today, at the age of 40, people would look at me and judge me for something I did back then.

    It just makes me completely furious at my sister, who BTW, hasnt spoken to me since I reported the assault and not two weeks before we were planning her wedding and she wanted me to be the maid of honor because I was her best friend. And my two faced back stabbing mother has done everything possible to "hang" my son but expects me to be friendly and kind to her. I'm sorry, but I just cant do it.

    I sit here in tears as I hang up from the attorney who just informed me that he will have to register for life. No benefits of leniency for it being a misdemeanor vs a felony.

    At the doctors yesterday she told me that I had sinus tachycardia and a high heart rate. That it was probably contributed to the stress I am having from all this. His life hasnt even began yet. He wanted to join the Navy and after speaking to them, they wont take him because it is considered major misconduct.

    I dont know that I will ever be able to forgive my sister and I know that it is probably wrong to feel this way. I know he did it to himself, but the thought that she didnt do anything until her fiancee was faced with possible revocation of his parole for the assault. This is not what the sex registry was created for.

    Sorry this has been so long. And thanks for listening.

  2. dzlady

    dzlady New Member

    However, he is indigent (I think thats what its called....poor) He has a public defender. We cannot help him financially either, with me not working and my husband being the only provider. The attorney said that he feels my son has a chance at going to trial and winning, however, I dont think my son is wanting to take that chance. Its scary for him. 18 and facing either 1 yr in county or 15 yrs in prison? I think I would take the 1 yr too. What makes me so dang mad is the registered part. I could care less how much time he had to serve nor what his fine would be if he would not have to register. I think he feels this as well, but 1 yr vs 15 years is what he is looking at because the registry part is the same no matter which he takes. I know he has that chance of being found not guilty and I think I would fight it, but its not up to me. He is the one who will have to live with his choice.

    And I agree, it sounds ridiculous. I was reading thru all the affidavits and if it wasnt so depressing, I would have to laugh at how stupid it all is. I mean, how many kids do this kind of thing and nothing comes of it. I was certain it would be dropped when we gave our statements and was blown away when he was charged.

    I have spoken to a few attorneys and one I really liked wanted $3000 if it didnt go to trial, with half up front. Which isnt much, but we live paycheck to paycheck and cant afford anything. She told me that the prosecutor is VERY tough on sex crimes. His attorney said she wasnt even amicable to reducing it to anything other than what she has charged.

    It makes me sick and I have been crying so much over the last couple months. My husband is worried about me and is constantly asking if I am ok or if there is anything that he can do. What can he do? He's there for me but he doesnt think I should be upset with my sister. But child molestation? Really? Believe me I know what child molestation is and the missouri statutes states A person commits the crime of child molestation in the second degree if he or she subjects another person who is less than seventeen years of age to sexual contact. OK, where is the sexual contact in this? His attorney says there has to be some form of gratification from one of the parties who were there when this took place.

    I know when the court date arrives I am going to be a basket case. And to see him taken away in cuffs........I just dont like to think about it.

    I just dont know what to do. He wants my advise but I am afraid if I tell him to fight it, if he is found guilty he will blame me for the rest of my life and I dont know that I could handle that. He is my baby.

  3. dzlady

    dzlady New Member

    I re-read what I had posted and while I am not going to change it because it is the truth, I can see where someone might think that there was more to the story, so to speak, than what I have posted. I have left nothing out. And it is very unbelievable that this is the reason for the charges he has brought against him. I have copies of the statements given the 9 and 8 year old boys (my nephews), the neighbor girl, my sister, my mother, my son and the fiancee as well as mine. I have read them many times, looking for something that would warrant such a charge, and cannot find anything.

    I dont understand the justice system these days where they will go after, charge and convict someone like my son for this but yet many molesters walk away with nothing, not even charges. I know this happens, I know this for fact, as my abuser walks free today and not even charges were brought against him. And my abuser did way worse things than this! My abuser has gone on to have 2 children (1 daughter and 1 son), has a conceal and carry permit and lives knowing what he did to me then and what has been the lasting effects on my life. He is free to see his children's school activities, their graduations, etc and here my son will not be allowed to attend any of these things! EVER!

    I wish there was more I could do, but my hands are tied. Unless someone out there knows of some attorney willing to take this case in Northwest Missouri and will take small payments for his/her representation.

  4. lgp

    lgp Well-Known Member

    I read your posts and the replies here very careful and I must concur with Kina and the others. If you have to beg, borrow, sell family jewelry, open a new credit card, take a loan against your house, sell your car, do anything to come up with the $3000 to retain better counsel for your son. He only has one chance. And if he is exonerated, make him understand that it is his debt to repay.

    Agreed, the law often makes no sense at times. It is at these times that the best lawyer possible should be retained. Good luck--I will pray for a positive outcome for you and your son.

  5. joanierav

    joanierav Member

    i agree with all the above posts. beg, borrow or steal to get the help your innocent son needs at this time. you wont regret it.

    i will be praying for you as well, please keep us posted. joanie
  6. joanierav

    joanierav Member

    can you find the social services in your town, maybe they can get you legal aid. you dont have to tell them the story, if you are afraid to . just tell them you have a serious family matter and need some legal aid for it. good luck to you. joanierav
  7. Janalynn

    Janalynn New Member

    I agree - there is something very wrong with this.

    Molestation? Good grief. I am not downplaying true molestation, sex crimes etc. but it seems like sometimes everything is so blown out of proportion. Doesn't intent have something to do with these kinds of charges? These boys were messing around, the cousin first.

    Do the police reports state that - that they were playing around etc. Did the child really feel molested or did his parents make him feel that way after he mentioned what occured I wonder.

    With all of the crap going on in the courts, real molesters getting off, real criminals getting ridiculously light sentences etc., I just don't understand the system sometimes.

    As a Mom, I'd do what I needed to do. I think you'd agree as I hear it in your writing. You need to fight this. If you don't, I think you'll wonder if you could've done something more.
    Is it unfair, Yes.

    Please, keep us posted!
  8. dzlady

    dzlady New Member

    My son has ADHD, as I think I mentioned before. He also has ODD (oppositional defiant disorder). He has not been an easy child to raise. He's not a typical "good child" and but has no criminal record (not been caught). Most of the trouble we have had with him is being unruly, ungovernable, mouthy, etc. But has been known to steal, assault and heaven knows what else that I am not aware of.

    That being said, when this first came about, the charges, I told him I would do what I could, but couldnt promise anything financially. I raise Pomeranians for conformation in the show ring, or I have (havent had a litter in over a year). I have 5 nice show quality breeding Poms that I offered to sell for him a defense attorney. Each dog would bring anywhere from $1000-$2000, if sold to a show breeder and if I could find someone to purchase them right away. When I told him if I did that, he would HAVE to pay me back, whether he won or lost, he got upset. You see, my son is one of those "entitled children" you hear so much about these days. The ones who think everything should be handed to them on a silver platter.

    I love my son very much...hes my baby, but sometimes he makes me so dang mad. I spoke to my BFF, and asked her what she thought? She said, and I agree with her to a degree, that if I thought he has learned his lesson, then by all means, what I could to help him. However, I dont feel that he has learned anything. No I dont think this is the kind of lesson he needs to learn, however, what happens if I help him, hes found not guilty and then does this again? He's gonna expect mama to rescue him again. ADHD children have no impulse control. They act without thinking of the repercussions.

    He's currently living with his GF and her parents because he and my husband (step-dad) got into a physical fight and I made him leave. My husband has a pacemaker and had just had surgery 2 weeks before on his wrist. My husband has been the only father he has ever had consistently. His sperm donor had not been in his life until April 2009 when my son decided he wanted a relationship with his donor and moved in with him. Since then, he has been a horrible child, getting into all sorts of trouble and being VERY disrespectful to everyone, especially me, calling me names, telling me he hates me, etc. He became a father to a baby girl in May and has not taken the responsibilities of that seriously. This was due to the lack of supervision at his donors home. Donor allowed him to drop out of school too.

    I guess what I am saying is that maybe you can see why I am torn between what to do? Do I put myself in hawk up to my eyes to help him and be treated like this? Do I help him and he do this again, expecting me to help him again? Or he do something else?

    He's worried that if he fights it, he'll lose (people arent so forgiving of sex crimes, even though this isnt, in my eyes) and then he will do serious prison time. If I advise him to fight it and he lose, will he blame me...Yes, I think he will.

    As for the police reports, it doesnt state they were playing, except that before the incident they were playing the game system. My nephew didnt even tell, it was the neighbor girl who told my sister. My sister was very upset and crying. When my nephew was asked about it, he denied anything took place. It was only confirmed thru my 9 yr old nephew, when he was asked about it.

    As for the fiancee assaulting my son and possibly my sister and/or the kids in the future, it wouldnt surprise me at all. The father of the children beat my sister for the last 12 years. She seems to draw the losers into her life. My sister is not an upstanding mother. As I said, she didnt do this to protect her children, she is doing this to get back at me for reporting her fiancee. She smokes MJ in her bedroom when the children are in the living room. The stories I could tell, but its all my word against hers. And if I said anything at this point it would look vindictive on my part.

    I plan to start with the phone book attorneys today and see what I can do about finding him a private attorney. I will keep everyone posted. Also, it is eventually up to him as far as whether he pleads guilty or not guilty and he is looking at the 15 yr prison sentence when he is thinking about this. He doesnt want to do 15 years. He's kinda like me.....expect the worse but hope for the best. And the worse is the 15 years.

    Misdemeanor (which is what he is charged with presently) he will still be able to vote (I think), own a firearm, hunt, fish, etc. Felony, he wont be able to do any of that.


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