Nothing is really changing. In fact I'm getting worse and worse in situation. I really doubt if God will listen to my prayer, because he knows, I know, I'm losing faith. I feel shame to pray because I got a feeling of doing transaction with God. But the truth is I'm begging for help. So many books said God is not our servant but we serve him. I'm not asking God to serve me, I'm begging for help. Then nothing happens. Just keep me struggling at the dead end. I 'm sorry to say that but I start to get upset to hear, to read people's testimonies. i don't know how to pray, what should I tell God? The feeling is just like your super friend keeps telling you he can always give you a hand, when something comes up, he just leaves me suffering in the vortex. The hardest part is I still have to be blamed for not relying on MY SUPER FRIEND. I'm not sure anyone can understand how tired and helpless the situation is. There must be something seriously happening between me and God. I don't know what it is. Recently everything happens badly on me, my working opportunities, my parents, my friends, my mind, my dignity....everyday sucks!!! If God puts me in this so as to SHAPE me, what shape does he want? How long does he want to continue? When is the the deadline? I have to say I'm spiritually demaged. Someone may say I choose this way of thinking, but don't you think it's involuntary? Sincerely I would like to ask, am I sinful to write this message? Is this gonna make God angry? Am I manupulated by Satan? Am I just overwhelming? I really want to seek a way to help myself. Praying doesn't help.