oh god... how am i gonna do this???

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by trinity3, Oct 1, 2005.

  1. trinity3

    trinity3 New Member

    i was recently fired from my last job...too many sick days.. it was only 3 days a week but it was just too much... since my fiance and i cant really afford for me to not work at all, i had to immediately look for another job.. i found one, that will be only 1-2 days per week...fine.. but monday tuesday and wednesday i have to be there from 7:30am till 4:30pm for orientation... three 8 hour days in a row..

    this would be difficult for me anyway, but i am currently in an episode and i have been spending about 20 hours per day in bed... i am just sitting here ready to cry because i have no idea how i am going to do this...

    it is impossible to explain to people how much it hurts.. to feel like you cant even keep up with a fraction of what other people can do... i feel worthless.. and if i cant make it to work those three days... then i will lose this job too...

    i dont know what to do...
  2. LittleBluestem

    LittleBluestem New Member

    How long do your 'episodes' last? Is it possible to reschedule the orientation?

    It would be really bad to 'call in sick' for your orientation, but it might be better than losing the job (if it didn't cause you to lose the job).
  3. trinity3

    trinity3 New Member

    its sunday morning now... orientation starts monday morning at 7:30am... there is no time really to reschedule.. i am going to have to call monday morning and tell them something...

    or force myself to go in and try to get through it... but that will wipe me out for good.. and i would still miss tuesday and wednesday...

    i just got done crying my eyes out to my fiance... he is a wonderful guy... but he gets frustrated.. thinks i am being pessimistic.. but when you suffer these setbacks and losses of friends and jobs and money and time and all of the things that make you happy, over and over and over...

    you are expected to give up so much of your life without actually 'giving up'...
  4. LollieBoo

    LollieBoo New Member

    Don't be nervous- if it is where you need to be right now, then it will be fine- they will be understanding and accept that you need a slower pace and respect that you are aware enough to say so when you "can't keep up", either mentally or physically. Employers know that a lot is piled on new employees all at once. It is refreshing to hear someone say, "I'm sorry- can we go back to that for a minute so I can understand better?", rather than just smile and nod and end up never having a clue.

    You recognize your limitations. Let them know that up front, if you feel you need to. "I took this job because of the short hours/ easier workload. I may need to slow down a little in the afternoons (or late morning or whenever you know your energy flags), since this week I won't have a day in between to rest. Maybe it would be easier for us to schedule the more demanding parts (either physical or mental or whatever you're worried about) for the first day (or the morninggs, or after lunch, or whenever you are at your "best")."

    A good employer will recognize that as a person who knows how to optimize their own productivity and not run themselves into the ground.

    If it turns out that you have stumbled on a poor employer- be willing to take that as a message that you and your fiance may truly need to stop to consider if perhaps the "universal flow" (or God or Nature or whatever or whoever you believe is "in control") is nudging you to let go and trust. You say that you need to be working... yet you are extremely ill AND the income you generate is for two day's work. If that is all that it takes to keep the two of you financially "afloat," perhaps there is another way to pick up the slack or a simple "re-budgeting" plan can be implemented, freeing up money that could be better spent.

    You are not worthless- what you are going through is hard! Part of my personal spirituality is to embrace all forms of spiritual pursuits... whatever "fills you up" or "makes you feel whole". We all need that. So whatever that is in your life, dwell there for as long as you need to rediscover your personal worth. It may be church, it may be music or art or meditating or quiet or walking...

    I have been in this "search" mode before, where I felt like I had lost myself, my identity... and like I had so much more to lose and no clue how to save myself from a catastrophic situation. In my personal journey, which of course differs from everyone else's, I found that just throwing my dilemna out there, "Giving it to God," if you will, and then seeking spiritual pursuits (especially important when the issue is a material one, where your own intuition can so easily be swayed).

    This may mean anything for you- singing, reading the Bible, studying Astrology, taking a tai chi or yoga class, studying the Kabbalah, reading the Tao Te Ching, going to church, talking to a good friend, playing an instument, involving yourself insome form of art; but learning about ways other people are "filled up" may lead you to the answer to your own self-fulfillment!

    I have been to group meditations, guided imagery and chanting rituals, I "received light" at a Japanese Dojo, lstened to countless rousing sermons and heated debates, sang hymns, chanted mantras, received energy healing and chakra balancing. They all moved me- or "filled me up" in one way or another. The methods available are as countless as individual personalities... find what feels right for you inside.

    Trust yourself and know that you will be guided if you ask. Then be willing to truly let it go.

    I'm sorry if this sounded preachy or offended anyone. I am going through a similar situation and I guess I'm just as much aiming to reach myself. If you did find something of value in this, I am so glad- I get really sad about the way our society is arranged when I see people suffer and feel trapped the way that you do.

    I hope it all works out the way you know in your heart it needs to.

    Best Wishes,
    Lollie
    [This Message was Edited on 10/02/2005]
  5. trinity3

    trinity3 New Member

    thank you so much for your post... sometimes the angels speak through others to get us to hear them... i am a registered nurse...so i really can make quite a bit of money from only working 2 days a week... and also, it is quite impossible for me to make adjustments in my work load with my employer.. when you are a nurse on duty you have to be ready for anything and everything... i love working in the medical field of nursing, but that became too physical for me with this disease so i went into psychiatric nursing..

    that is about the least physically exertional job i can get in nursing.. but still sometimes it is too much..

    my fiance has encouraged me to stop working, even though it would mean us really scraping to get by... but one of the big problems is that i need health insurance to be able to pay for the numerous doctors visits/meds i need...

    also, giving up working is something that i fight because i love being a nurse... and i hate the feeling of another thing being taken away from me... there are so many losses with this illness, people dont understand how much grief there is.

    but, i have studied kabbalah, and other forms of spirituality/mysticism... and it has brought me peace at times... it really hit me when i read your post because i havent been doing my reading/studying/meditating for a while.. like a voice telling me to come back...

    but also, for about 5 of the 5 1/2 years of my illness, before i met my fiance, i was very much alone... i lived with my mother because i couldnt afford to work enough to live on my own... and i had lost most/all of my 'friends' when i became too sick to hang out with them all of the time... my mother was very very difficult about my being sick and most of the time just yelled at me... so i became used to being alone in my room, being lonely.. with nothing much really left to lose...

    then i met my fiance... and i thought at first that having someone who loved me despite my being sick would make it all better.. and we began to plan our wedding and i moved in with him... but now i find that it just makes me feel even more scared/anxious of being sick, because now i have so much more to lose!!

    i want him to be happy too.. and i often feel i am bringing him down..

    i know that what is meant to work out will work out... i know god doesnt make mistakes... but i often feel as if i dont have enough strength to see his plan through...

    thank you so much for your words though... just the reminder of looking towards my spirit made a difference for me... thank you.
  6. rileyearl

    rileyearl New Member

    The good thing is that you don't have to explain to us how much it hurts.

    I really admire you for trying to keep working. I think Lollie is right, you will find or be led to an answer through tapping into that power. There are probably lots of other options for work or lifestyle that haven't presented themselves yet.

    About your fiance getting frustrated, well, that's a normal reaction, but if it's all the time, it will cause you stress. There is a story called "Spoons" that's been making the rounds on this message board. If you can do a search for it and print it out for him, it might help. I found that it even helped me to understand how disabled I am by this DD. The story describes in a visual kind of way exactly how hard it is to be in our skins.

    I wish you luck with tomorrow and this week. Here's a hug!!

    Francie
  7. deelite127

    deelite127 New Member

    please read my post about working from home...it's been a God send for me & hopefully it will help you. It was titled "work from home opportunities for the disabled" or just search by my udername deelite127.

    *hugs*
    Dee

  8. suzetal

    suzetal New Member

    in so much pain.The stress you are having is making it worst I'm sure.

    Try to do something for you today to take your mind off the things that are stressing you out.

    When I'm totally in pain and think this is the end for me.I take a hot bath with scented salts.Then my DH gives me a soft massage.I force myself to get dressed and get out.Ill normally take a nice walk with one of my dogs.I take my mind off my troubles.

    Have you tried home nursing.I have a friend that does it and she can pick her own hours there are days she only works an hour or two.When they call her if she can not make it she refuses the job.When she can she takes it.

    Good luck to you.
    You are in my thoughts
    Sue
  9. Mareeok

    Mareeok New Member

    You are at a crossroads. I am glad you are going to try it and see what happens. You have to be open to what you find out, though. It took half a year for me to know without a doubt that I had to stop workimg.

    Is there something you can do in your field that is easier on the body? If you push yourself you will suffer more. It is very unfair that you have to choose. You worked hard to become a nurse. It must feel like a slap in the face to all that hard work.

    However, I know you are a strong woman. You have to be to endure this monster the way you have up to now. If you have to make a huge life change I know you can do it. You never know what good is right around the corner until you go there. Do all you can and then make new plans if you have to.

    You are in my prayers and thoughts for courage and wisdom to make the best decision for you.

    Tender heart hugs,
    Maree
  10. ckk

    ckk New Member

    not that you should do this all the time but.....can you possibly take your meds right before you go to your meeting and perhaps a little more than you usually do, and than make sure you take them every 3 hours so they stay in your system? just trying to give you anything...hope this helps. sorry not good w/ this. if i think of anything else. oh wait, what about those heat patches that you put on your body? i have done that before. and sometimes they work! maybe if you do both. its worth a shot. good luck. if i think of ANY thing else i will let you know. please let us know how it went. GOOD LUCK. i will be thinking of you and you can do this. i know you can.
    ckk
  11. trinity3

    trinity3 New Member

    thank you all for your replies... thank you for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers... it means alot to me!!
  12. orachel

    orachel New Member

    Just wanted to wish you a little good luck as monday is coming up pretty soon. I'm soooo sorry you're in this position...much the same as mine, I'm afraid. I don't have any advice other than only YOU know what you are capable of at any one time....And if you're anything like me, what you're capable of varies from day to day, week to week, even minute to minute.

    I'll be sending you hugs for whatever you decide. Also...did you see the "work from home" post here earlier? Great info...I'm definitely going to look into it. That might give you some solace or ideas about how to bring in a bit a moola and work around your body. I'm beginning to realize that's pretty much the only hope I have of being able to work...pt, from my home, on my schedule, and unfortunately..when I'm lucky.

    I'm praying for you, hon. Its a rough situation. Just don't push yourself so hard that you end up hurting as bad emotionally and mentally as you do physically.

    And btw...I stumbled onto your reply to a particular post you received here. Wanted to click into post above, and clicked wrong. All I have to say is "YOU GO". You could not possibly have taken the words more out of my mouth. Personally, work is important to me...but if I get only 1 hour of energy a day, that hour is going to be spent loving my husband and playing with my stepkids. Sounds like you've got your priorities right!! LOL....totally not my business, but just wanted to let you know you weren't the only one who "read" that response to your post that way...

    Many hugs...
    Rachel
  13. trinity3

    trinity3 New Member

    thank you for your response!! i have recently read your bio and thought you sounded so much like me!! i hope we can get a chance to get to know each other better, through the board even..! your support and everyone elses is precious to me!!

    also, thank you for reassuring me that i didnt over-react...about that post... after i posted my response i got worried that i was over-reacting and i dont want to hurt anyone's feelings... i feel better knowing i am not the only one who read it that way..

    *huggs*gina
  14. LollieBoo

    LollieBoo New Member

    I hadn't read it before I posted earlier (sorry!). If I had, I would have realized that yeah, altering the orientation schedule, etc., as I mentioned was IMPOSSIBLE! I had a hard enough time finding time to take a break from the floor (as a nursing assistant) long enough to pump when I was nursing... and also that you will have substantial income generated by even 1-2 days per week.

    SO... I am posting again to wish you the best- after reading subsequent posts, it seems like if you decide to, and with support and encouragement, you can guide yourself through this and much more! I can understand wanting to hold on to your profession and hopefully the somewhat lighter load as a psych nurse will keep you in the healing profession. Nursing is a demanding profession, no matter what aspect you are involved in, but you seem to have a solid plan for seeing that you keep yourself balanced.

    Hang in there and Take care of you!
    -L
    [This Message was Edited on 10/02/2005]
  15. mollyq

    mollyq New Member

    Whatever you decide. I work in health care, too. I'm able to maintain a small private practice as a social worker. Being able to control my schedule is the only way I could be working at this point. I work a few hours a day and rest as needed. I'm so lucky to have a profession that allows this option.

    Hope you find a workable solution for yourself!

    Molly
  16. trinity3

    trinity3 New Member

    all of your support and kind responses are truly precious to me beyond words... i have sat here and teared up just knowing that you all understand... i am not alone...

  17. petsrme

    petsrme Member

    Trinity, I can feel your frustration and pain and I am so sorry for you. I sometimes feel guilty for not pushing myself to keep going and get a job. Some think we can just tell ourselves to keep going and that is all it takes. I am sure some can keep going, but I believe there is a breaking point for all of us. We all know what it is when we hit it. You cannot force yourself to move one more inch without passing out or screaming in pain. Everyone around us will believe it when they see us pass out or start screaming in pain. I think someone in this post said that they pushed themself and cried all the way home from work every day. That is just not healthy for our mind or our bodies. I commend people who do this, but it also breaks my heart to know that so many people have to do it. she had to come home and go immediately to bed. There would be some husbands who would say, well you made it through work by forcing yourself, why not force yourself to do more? I know mine probably would.

    Trinity, I truly got to the point that I knew I would go insane if I kept pushing. Sure I can push for one or two days maybe once a month, but that is it. I occasionally have to go on a road trip for an hour or more or go to something special and will suffer the whole time. I am sick for a day or two with a fever and aches for overdoing it. I could not do this every day. I would either go insane or harm myself. As to working I got worse and worse and called in a lot. I started working less and less. They finally fired me. I was at that time down to working one day a month and couldn't handle that.

    My advice to you is do what you can do and no more. If you are going to send yourself into a downward spiral that is going to make you be in bed for days or in severe pain, don't go. I know money is tight and it is so hard to get by, but you shouldn't be in misery.

    I will be praying for you no matter what you do. I am not telling you not to try to go. Just know that it is up to you. Follow your heart and your body. You will know the answer. Don't feel bad about yourself if you can't go. You are human and know what your body can take and can't. Please let us know what happens.
  18. orachel

    orachel New Member

    Orachel again....make sure you let us know what you decided to do, and how it all went, ok? I'm thinking abt you today and wishing you well.

    Looking forward to chatting more with you as well. We do seem to have a ton in common...especially the fact that the men we share our lives with are wonderful! Not a whole lot of women have that, and I count it as a blessing every day! LOL

    I know what you mean abt worrying abt overreacting then feeling guilty....I've been there a million times. That's why I put my 2cents in where it didn't belong, bc could tell you weren't sure if you were making too much of it. It all seemed very reasonable to me. I'm quite ford of that particular member, and wish like crazy I literally had the "strength" to do all of that. But when I started worrying that I might injure myself or someone else driving, or knew that I wasn't giving my employer or my clients what they'd come to expect as my service, I knew it was time to go on st disability....now if they'd only pay me for it!! LOL...

    Whatever you decide..we're all with you!
    RAchel
  19. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Here in California you can collect Workers' Compensation benefits if your (previous) job contributed to your illness. The job need not be the cause. Might want to talk to a W/C attorney.

    Those of us who are sick are not worthless. I frequently wish, tho, that people who know the sick me could have seen me before: when I worked full time and went to law school at night and had energy for a social life, etc. Sometimes I have trouble believing it myself. LOL
  20. SoxFan

    SoxFan New Member

    I was following your post, and wanted to know how it's going for you this week.

    We are all pulling for you, kid!

    - Susan