OT advise on custody battles

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by minkanyrose, Oct 4, 2006.

  1. minkanyrose

    minkanyrose New Member

    some of you have answered my previous posts about 16 yr old daughter and I thank you for you r advice now here is a new thing I need help with.

    Same 16 yr old daughter. we go to court for custody battle the 16th of Oct. I got temporary custody the 17 of sept. which was a good thing.

    yeaterday my daughter and I were watching Dr. Phil on the subject of custody battles. My daughter said mom why don't you just give up on me. You won't give up so now I am doing everything to make you give up on me and you won't.

    I said Why do you want me to give up? sha replied then I won't feel so guilty like I have let you down. my other siblings haven't caused you any problems and I am just a burden to you.

    I informed her her siblings have done things that I don't aprove of and have let me down but I don't love them any less or anymore.

    I try not to say to much and just let her talk because I don't want to upset her anymore than she already is.

    I started crying when she said to give up on her. we sat in silence for awhile while I composed my self and I told her the day I give up on you is the day they put me in the ground.

    I know her dad is manipulating her to feel guilty that she is not living with him, and I don't want to add to that stress. He tells her her brothers gave up on him and his daughter then he says britt don't you leave me to.

    I am so hurting over her dad promising her a car, what ever she want's if only she will come live with him. I see my daughter being ripped apart and i hate it. I wish I could take her pain.

    mostly venting here I forgot my point but any advise would be greatly appreciated or any insight on experiences anyone has faced with this would greatly help put my mind at ease.
  2. sfrazier

    sfrazier New Member

    My son and I had a lot of problems as he was growing up and when he got older he asked me that same question. it just about killed my soul but i answered him the best i could. i told him that he was my son and that no matter what he did or how bad it was that i loved him and i would never give up on him and i would never stop loving him. once you have that child there is a bond between a mom and her children that no mater what is always there. let you daughter talk but also make sure that you may not be able to give her the things that her dad is offering but you are offering her something else that as she grows up she will find is even better and that is never ending love and understanding. she is old enough to know things like that. She is also old enough to understand that now. Good luck with the custody battle. I'm thankful that i never had that problem. my ex knew that i was the better parent and never fought over that.......SueF
  3. donna275

    donna275 New Member

    the same thing. I have a 16 year old daughter too. Her dad and I share custody and have since splitting up (not my decision, but he fought like crazy to get it 50/50 and got it). Well, it has been this way since 1996. I also have a 13 year with my ex and 5 year old with my present husband.

    Anyway, my ex started giving my daughter anything she wanted and I wasn't about to do that. He let her sleep over at friends houses 3 times a week, even on school nights, let her stay out late, gave her a car, etc. Well, I have rules and limits and she did not like that. She decided she wanted to live with her dad. It about killed me. I fought and fought and the court recommended that it still be shared, however, I lost a couple of days every other week. I did not want to give up either. Being at her dads full time would be a disaster. My ex is a really really big manipulator. It still hurts, but things are calmed down now and now my daughter is talking about her dad to me! She is going to have to pay the consequences of her decisions. I tried and tried to protect her from all of this, but I guess you can only protect your children so far.

    Oh, by the way, here in Virginia, they really take the child decision into consideration. In order for the court to not go by the childs decision, a parent has to prove the other totally unfit. And, unfit means really really bad stuff, like child abuse, molestation, drugs, etc.

    Anyway, I totally feel for you. It is like your heart being ripped out of your chest. Then on top of it all, child support, etc has to be changed. She will undoubtedly figure it all out, but it will not be an easy process for her and that is what we try to protect them from, but they need to learn for themselves, as hard as it is to watch.

    Donna
  4. kj_b

    kj_b New Member

    But I wasn't on disability when we went to court, so he didn't have that to use against me, although he did try a few other underhanded things.

    My son (8yrs old) told me just last night that he feels so bad for me because I am in so much pain and he feels guilty that he isn't, and feels like if he wasn't here, I'd be better. I was shocked to hear him say that, because it is so rediculous. I put my arms around him and told him that he didn't cause this to happen to me, and that he is no burden to me, and that I love having him in my life and wouldn't trade that for anything, not even my health.

    I took a huge chance and asked him if he would rather go live with his dad; if he'd be happier there. It was a scary thing to ask, cuz a part of me was afraid he would say yes, since his dad still lives in San Diego and we both loved it so much and miss it. But he said although he misses his dad, he loves me and wants to stay with me and help me. I told him that's not his job, that the only thing he can do to help me is just be happy. (He's been crying more lately, (he was depressed last Christmas after not seeing his dad for a whole year- his dad left the country to visit his father and I wasn't about to let him take my son--another story.) It's a terrible thing for kids to have to choose; not fair to them at all. Unfortunatly, it's just an ugly reality.

    I'm not sure how things will work out for you, but I had 2 teenage girls myself, both grown now, but I remember 17 was a really tough time for mother-daughter relationships. I think it's a real shame (and I mean shameful!) for her dad to play with her emotions by bribing her with a car and saying things like "don't you leave me too." She has a terrible decision to make. It will hurt her either way.

    I think you did a good thing in telling her you will never give up on her, though. It's important that she knows that you love her no matter what your physical condition is and you still love your child and want what is best for her. Good luck. I'll be praying for you.