OT: Can you please give me somewhere to go?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by KateMac329, Jul 17, 2006.

  1. KateMac329

    KateMac329 New Member

    Hi guys,

    I need some help and I don't know where to go.

    You guys are great here and I love you but what I need help with doesn't belong here.

    I know many of you have had some issues with what I am going through so I thought maybe somebody could give some ideas on where to go "online".

    **Just a quick summary.

    My Mother in an alcoholic and my Sister is a drug addict and my dad is in denial.

    Everything came to a head on Father's Day and I won't let my Mother see my son anymore. (I haven't seen my Dad since and only my Sister once.)

    I have decided that as long as she is "using" that she can't see him. I do NOT want my son around that. She has these little alcohol or drug induced emotional break downs and it has broken my spirit one to many times and I don't want my son to grow up around this craziness.

    I am now considered the "bad guy". My Dad doesn't get it. He doesn't understand why my Mom can't see my son. He thinks as long as she isn't drinking then everything is okay.

    Well that is true to an extent except for she will be clean for a week or a month or however long she works her program for and then it starts all over again.

    I told her she needed psychiatric help and needed to get in a program and stay with it.

    Then the issue of family holidays or get togethers has been brought up.

    Um, I'm sorry but there won't BE ANY!

    It feels like **I** am the insane one here. Everyone is protecting her for crying out loud! Am I really being that unreasonable?




    Okay, anyway, see this is why I need a support group. I need a group of people who deal with this kind of stuff. I need to know how to handle this.

    I know what to do in my heart. My heart says that I have given my family too many chances already and that it is time to move on and cut ties.

    I just want to listen to others and here what they have done in similiar situations.

    I feel so alone in this.

    Can anyone direct me to an online support system? I have been looking around in Google but all I can find is stuff for recovering alcoholics and addicts.

    I need one for the families. Al-anon doesn't have an online program either.

    Thanks for listening to me. I know this subject doesn't belong on here but I appreciate your help!

    (((HUGS)))

    kate
  2. cymbeline

    cymbeline New Member

    It sounds like you are struggling to cope with a lot of different issues. It must be really tough for you. Have you thought about therapy or a therapy group? It might give you a chance to talk through some of the issues with someone that will be able to isten and not judge you in any way. I know lots of people find this helpful in your situation. I am not suggestting this because i think you are "insane" in any way just that i think a theraputic relationship can be so useful when you are struggling to make sense of issues. A group is good if you want to be able to feel that others are in a similar situation and to hear how they cope and manage in their lives.
    I don't know of any resources online but i would hope you could find some support locally.
    I really hope you can find some suport, family issues can be so hard to deal with as you feel so involved with them.
    LOL
  3. NyroFan

    NyroFan New Member

    Katie:

    If you have tried everything on the net and can not find Al-Anon, you can download the mIRC program. The group can be found there.

    Hang tough. You are in the right.

    nyrofan
  4. suzetal

    suzetal New Member

    He was a alcoholic.

    The day his first grandchild was born my daughter he came to see us in the hospital he had had a few.

    I went to the nursery and told them to close the curtain so my Dad could not see her.

    I than told him she would never go through what I did and he would never see her if he did not get sober and stay that way.

    That evening he disappeared .My Mom and no one else new were he was.We were very concerned and Mom was mad at me for what I did.

    Come to find out 6 months latter when he came back he had driven to his cousins in Florida ( From Rhode Island) to tell her what I had done.

    She supported me 100% and told my Dad that I was right and he needed help.He went to AA meetings in FL.Than when he came home he was sober and continued with AA and became a counselor for AA.

    I was so proud of him and he did get to enjoy his granddaughter.This all took place April 16 th 1974.He passed away on January 23 rd 2002. He never had another drink he did it for himself so he could enjoy his family.

    Your Mom has to do it for herself so she can also enjoy her new grandson and all the other family members.

    Life is short and soon they pass and never know that what you have done is tough love.I know you would love to have your mom in your life full time like I did Dad.

    If you wish you can show your mom my reply to you.She needs to understand that you do this for the love that you have for her and your son.

    I will pray that she will decide to seek help.If she does maybe you can call it a Mom and daughter night out attend the meetings together and than go out for a light snack.

    You are not the bad guy .You truly love your son and your Mom.

    I wish we could exchange emails here I would love to chat and give you support but its against the rules .I'm sorry that I cant.

    Hugs Sue......For Every Day A New Dawn Will Come.
    [This Message was Edited on 07/17/2006]
  5. Cromwell

    Cromwell New Member

    Hi Anne Cromwell here,

    I will tell you the same thing I told my clients with similar issues.

    "If some drunk and druggie stranger came to your house and asked to hang about near you and your kids what would you do?"

    Now you KNOW what you will answer, "Call the cops."

    Just because someone is a family member does not make them any less dangerous when they are abusing than a stranger-the stranger may be a loving person, but anyone "using" is out of control.

    This is the same advice I also give to battered spouses.

    "If a man walked into your office and smashed you in the face, what would you do?" see the answer is always the same.

    It is never OK to allow toxic or out of control people to be in your life. They are the ones making the choice. They can get lots of help from AA. AA also runs supports for adult children of alcoholics too.

    Katemac you have enough on your plate getting well and looking after Landon without having to start taking on all this extra burden of trying to heal your family.

    My advice? Let them go. If they want to change, then they will change. If not, just enjoy your new family without guilt. I am not even sure if you have the stamina to do online support for problems of others. However, if this is what you chose, I would direct you to a faith based one if you can find one.

    In the meantime, give yourself permission to let these people go, forgive them and wish them well, but you need to be away from them. You are the mother now, your loyalty is now with your own son. People like your mom and sister and your seemingly codependent dad have a real knack of laying it on to make everyone else responsible for their own actions. If there was an Oscar for perfomance, these folk would get it.

    Be kind to Kate. Be your own number one supporter!

    Love Anne
  6. KateMac329

    KateMac329 New Member

    Hi,
    I did not think you were calling me insane! I knew the point you were trying to make.

    I do think I could benefit from being in some sort of therapy or even group therapy as this is a problem that has gone on my entire childood.

    Thank you for your suggestion and writing in. I feel bad bringing this kind of topic onto the board but I really appreciate the support!

    ((HUGS))

    kate

    P.S. Welcome to the board!
  7. KateMac329

    KateMac329 New Member

    Hey sweetheart!

    Thank you so much for the sweet words and for the links! I am copying and pasting them in just a moment in case the links get deleted.

    I really appreciate it!!!!! Maybe I am just so stressed out I wasn't thinking well enough to search right. Who knows! But THANK YOU!!!!

    ((((HUGS))))

    kate

  8. KateMac329

    KateMac329 New Member

    Hi hon,

    I really have to tell you of all people it really means a lot to me that you replied to this post.

    I remember a long time ago I wasn't very nice to you in a post about AA or alcoholism. It was yet another time my Mother had just been on a bender and I was taking my anger out on you.

    It was a very long time ago. Actually not long after I joined I think.

    Anyway my point to saying all this is thank you for your support.

    I know you were going to AA for awhile and if I remember correctly you are not going now? I don't remember the specifics and you do not even have to answer my reply to you if you don't want to, I understand.

    Thank you for your support especially when it is much undeserved!

    ((HUGS))

    kate
  9. KateMac329

    KateMac329 New Member

    Hello,
    I am very glad that things worked out for you with your Dad! That is wonderful that he wanted to get better!

    My son just turned five months and when he was just over a month old my Mom had a alcohol induced breakdown which lead to a stay in Bradford.

    I made it clear when she went in that she needed to get better for herself and that if she didn't turn her life around things were going to be very different.

    No one in my family has ever set consequences for her actions and I did and I guess she didn't believe me. Well I guess no one believed me.

    Thank you for taking the time to write. I appreciate you sharing what you went through. I know that must have been so very hard for you especially with a brand new baby!

    I am also sorry that your Dad has since passed.

    Maybe someday if we run into each other in chat we can exchange emails!

    (((HUGS)))

    Thank you!

    kate
  10. KateMac329

    KateMac329 New Member

    Girl you are making me cry so bad right now!

    I don't feel like I have courage. I feel like a failure.

    Like Anne said families like mine can lay it on and thick! And my family knows how to guilt me to the extent where I actually bend my morals and beliefs.

    Right now they are making me feel like I am bailing out on them. Fleeing the family in a time of need.

    Well I just can't simply take it anymore.

    I am trying to take a stand. If I at least can't stand up for myself I CAN and WILL stand up for my son!



    You know it is really funny, ever since I was a kid I could always stick up for my friends but when it came to myself I ran with my tail between my legs!

    I don't know why.

    Thanks girl! It sucks that families suck and I am sorry that you have experienced that too!

    ((HUGS))

    kate
  11. KateMac329

    KateMac329 New Member

    Hi honey,

    Thanks so much for your thoughts! You are always so sweet to me and I am so glad to have you!

    You stay sweet now!!!!!!

    ((((HUGS))))

    kate
  12. Jeanne-in-Canada

    Jeanne-in-Canada New Member


    I've been waiting on some news about what is happening w/ that toxic family of yours now. This is a huge step you have taken and I'm very proud of you. It sure took me alot longer to do what needed to be done concerning my toxic mother, I put myself through so much suffering hoping she would change. But I've finally accepting taht my own mother won't, she doesn't have the excuse of drug dependance for her cruel behaviour.

    It is not surprising that your family is rallying against you and supporting your mother. Its called enabling and its what they've always done, so why would they suddenly change such entrenched habits now. Its sad, and doesn't make sense to us psychologically "normal and healthy" people, but its what they do, all they know to do for now.

    So you need to stay strong, I'm sure you have the full support of your dh to prop you up. You will need it because I'm sure you are fighting the guilts, even though you know this move is long overdue. its so hard to shut out parents, we make so many excuses for them and are used to accepting intolerable bad behaviour we'd never take from anyone else.

    Stay firm and believe in yourself and that you are doing the right thing. You've suffered enough abuse and neglect, you don't want Landon to be tainted by it too.

    I really have to second the notion that you need some counselling for yourself. An online support group is a practical place to start. But please find some time for yourself to get your own in person support, it makes huge difference. I've been so much better adjusted since I found a good counsellor. I really shopped around and had to meet quite a few, but when I phoned the lady I settled w/ I knew by her voice on the phone that she was the one. Title doesn't matter, she was a mental health worker from a free clinic but worth 10 shrinks or specialty psychologists.


    jeanne
  13. KateMac329

    KateMac329 New Member

    Hi sweetie,

    You are always right on! I wouldn’t allow a stranger to be in my son’s life if they acted this way. When something is wrong it is wrong whether there is love involved or not. And if my Mom could love anyone she wouldn’t be doing this to herself or her family.

    Last week I had a light bulb moment. I was driving down the road thinking again about this situation which now consumes almost every waking minute. I try so hard not to think about it but I am in constant turmoil.

    Anyway, I was driving down the road when I realized that I am NOT the bad guy no matter what my family says. I am just going along with a choice my Mom made. My Mom chose her drug over herself and her family and her grandson. It wasn’t MY decision I am just going along with her game. Only this time instead of running to her rescue I am rescuing myself and my son.

    I know that this is true. I know that I am NOT the bad guy but it’s just easier to believe the bad stuff. I have never been told I was worth anything…


    As far as healing my family goes, I have been doing that my entire life. It was my role. I was the child, the sister, the wife, the father, the cook, the cleaner, the worrier, the bill payer, the babysitter, I was everything. I started taking on what was supposed to be my Mom’s role when I was twelve if not younger then that. Well actually it was but at twelve is when the work load got heavier.

    I took care of everyone’s needs and no one ever took care of me. I don’t know HOW to take care of me Anne, I just don’t know how.

    I want to let them go, I want to tell them to go away that I don’t ever want to see them again or to talk to them again and I just don’t know how.

    There is so must pain and hurt. I want to heal and I am trying but each step I take forward they bring me back five. It’s like they don’t want to get better and anyone who does they have to make sure to knock them down.

    I DON’T want to repeat this cycle. I want the cycle to END! I just don’t know how to leave.

    It is hard when your family lives within thirty minutes of you.

    I want to say good bye, deal with the abuse from my childhood and my spirit that has left me in my adulthood and heal. I want to forgive and never look back. I want to never see them again but I don’t know if that is even possible.

    Thank you for taking the time to write to me and to listen to me. It means a lot that you care and I appreciate it!

    ((((((HUGS))))))

    kate
  14. hugs4evry1

    hugs4evry1 New Member

    Hon, you're not bailing out on your family....you're doing what's right for YOUR family. The one you created out of love and respect.


    You are strong, brave and Lil bean would be so proud of what you're doing to protect his environment from toxic people who choose to continue behaviors that are detrimental to their health and well being...and therefore...his.

    You have every right to protect this child!!! You have ever right to want his memories to be different from yours.
    These are your instincts kicking in and they're strong for a good reason. Please keep listening to them.

    How's hubby in all of this? Was he there for it all or away working? Does he stand beside you in this decision?

    For me personally, I don't think this kind of topic doesn't belong here....if it has an effect on your life then it will effect your health as well.

    That's what we're here for....to help each other get through the things going on in our lives.

    Hugs,

    Nancy B
    [This Message was Edited on 07/18/2006]
  15. rosemarie

    rosemarie Member

    Sweetheart,
    You are welcome to come here and talk any time as far as I am concerned.

    I don't know how it feels to have your mother drink, but as far as the sister doing drugs I know that one all to well.

    My sister has stolen my pain meds off and on for years and if I could have caught her I would have called the police but I could not prove it , So I ended up telling her that I didn't want to see her if all she wanted was to beg for my pain pills and my Xanax. IF she wanted to see me and not have pain pills in the concersation and did not run down to the bathroom and then in to my bed room and try to get my meds I would be happy to see her,But I added that from that day on my medications no matter what kind of meds they were are under lock and key and hidden where she could not find them. She will not speak to me now.

    I lived with a alocholic for 6 years and it was bad. I thought at the time when I had 2 girls that if my hubby went out then I could do it too. And one night I did. I drove to see a girlfriend and we went to a party and I was not drinking and i felt that some thing was really wrong at home so I had someone take me to my car and went home.

    I found my oldest daughter who at that time was about 5 and my youngest was 1. My daughter was sitting in the window sill crying so hard , when I came in the house I heard this hissing sound and it was my youngest who had been screamming in her crib for so long that she had lost her voice. I was so angry when my oldest said I tried to wake up Daddy but he would not wake up and Manda was crying and I couldn't get her happy.

    I took a reader Digest book and smacked him up side the head to wake him up , He looked at me and said What? I tried to explain to him what had happened the nextnight and I got told that I was making up what the 5 yr old had said "Becasue kids her age don't say things like that."
    Years later she wrote a letter to him telling him all about that night that she had cryed for hours and he would not listen or wake up. And he told her to her face that it had never happened and that she was lying to him. In his mind nothing had happened and to this day nothing did happen that night.

    I went in to false labor with my second daughter and had to have a friend take me to the hospital as my husband was to drunk to understand that I needed help and I rememember having surgeries and he would come to the hospital so drunk that the smell made me sick and the nurse's would ask him to leave. And I would tell him not to come and see me if he had been drinking.

    It took several years but he has not had a drink since 1985 or 1986.

    Don't feel like your failing. YOU are a good girl and are doing the best that you can, And it that means not being able to let your mom see the grandkids then so be it. IF your mom had been drunk she would not have remembered seeing the baby any way.

    I know that pain you feel and that your family is putting you on a guilt trip. Your not the one who is doing something harmfull so don't let them get to you.
    HUgs and take care.
    Rosemarie
  16. Cromwell

    Cromwell New Member

    So, as your online "therapist" I am giving you full permission to retire from being the family caretaker.

    It really is time for you and your new family. Everything that is being said here is true by everyone else.

    These people will use you till you are worn out and look for someone else to use. It is habitual with them.

    I am sorry you do live so close by. Where they feel they have access to you. What thye are doing is invalidating you in order to validate themselves and why not they have been getting away with this emotional abuse for years, since you were 12.

    Well, guess what? You are no longer 12 and you do not ever have to allow these people to abuse you ever again.

    Here is what I would suggest. Give yourself a time slot of say, 30 mins when you are allowed to think about this toxic family and at any other time during the day, it is "real time: when you can only think about Kate, Landon, your DH and anyone else who is nice to you, or other pleasant things. Of course you are allowed to think too about your own problems, but also try and limit that to a certain length of time.

    When one has a child like Danny, with autism, Kate I can tell you, he would fill every waking moment plus all the advocacy, but I had to stop doing this(it is called perseveration) and only allow myself to adevocate for him a certain number of hours a week. Ditto for Dan Snr as I was living his life for him with his head injury and I realised, I have to just tell him, you have to try this and that and do this and that and now he has helped me flip 17 houses in 18 years he got so good at healing himself.

    The other thing to bear in mind here is that you are actually not doing the "folks" any favors by constantly being there for them. They absolutely have to be left to sort out their own dramas in order to want to heal themselves. Also they may just like being the way they are, some people thrive on it.

    I recall how alone you were when you were so ill after Landon was born-these people may have shared a name or house with you, but they are neither family nor care about anyone but themselves. Direct them to alcoholics ann. and drug rehab by sending them a few pamphlets then just cut yourself right off.

    It WILL be hard Kate as they have programmed you into thinking this was your role in life. They are the only ones who should feel guilty by the way. Your job is done. I mean it. Yo deserve a lot of kudos for all you have done throughout your life, now bow out with a clean slate and many many angel points.

    Love Anne Cromwell
  17. hugs4evry1

    hugs4evry1 New Member

    I'm lining up right beside Anne Cromwell with a great big bravo for her advice and for you!!!

    She's right, now go for it...

    Hugs,

    Nancy B.

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