OT - Death in family --- need advice

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by abbylee, Dec 22, 2005.

  1. abbylee

    abbylee New Member

    My former mother-in-law was killed in an auto accident on the 21st. Although she's my FORMER mother-in-law, she's my children's grandmother. The funeral is 4 hours away from me and I've not been able to drive for over a year.

    My ex-husband is aware of my medical condition and I think he understands, but my daughter is extremely annoyed with me for not being able to go. My husband is working and can't get off during the holidays. I know no one in this town who could take me.

    What should I do? Below is a list of my meds and as you read through them and their side effects, I thing you'll see where I'm coming from. But should I try it anyway?

    1 Methadone 10 mgs. Four times a day for chronic pain. Drowsiness
    2 Flexeril 10 mgs. Four times a day. Muscle Relaxant. Drowsiness
    3 Phenergan 25 mgs. Twice a day. Nausea. Drowsiness
    5 Singulair 10 mgs. Asthma. Once a day.
    6 Zyrtec 10 mgs. Once a day. Allergy. Drowsiness
    7 Xanax 0.5 mg. Twice a day. Muscle stiffness. Drowsiness
    8 Dicyclomine 10 mgs. Twice a day. IBS Drowsiness
    9 Premarin 1.25 mgs. Once a day. Hormone
    10 Requip 1 mg. Once a day - bedtime RLS Drowsiness
    11 Clonidine 0.1 mg. Twice a day. Blood pressure/hot flashes
    12 Xyrem .8 mls Once a bedtime and again 2 1/2 to 4 hours later. Sleep medication. Knocks me out.
    13 Oxycodone 30 mgs. Two a day. Breakthrough pain. Drowsiness.
    14 Baby aspirin 80 mgs. One a day. Cholesterol

    Even though I'm not a family member anymore, I feel the need to go because my children are there and because I need to show support for this family. My ex is an only child and though he has family around, they are not close.

    Should I try to make this trip alone and just stop a lot of times to rest? Or, since he and I aren't married anymore should I try to go at all? And if I go, where do I sit? The kids will be with the family so I guess I would be assigned to the general public seating which wouldn't help the kids at all,
    Please help me with this. Thank you,

  2. PepperGirl52

    PepperGirl52 New Member

    I really can't give you any advice. I'm on a lot of the meds that you are taking, so I do know that we wouldn't be on these meds if we were in any shape to drive for 4 hours!

    I don't know how old your children are, but if one of them would be able to drive, and you took several stops, that may be an option.

    But if not, you're right-this time of the year, everyone else is spending time with their own family, and are not going to want to be torn away for something like this.

    I say, let your ex-husband find a way to get HIS children to HIS mother's funeral! Even if it means HE has to drive the 8 hour round-trip. Or he can send someone for them. It really is HIS responsibility, and your children need to understand that. I know this is a sad time for him, but he needs his kids with him and he has to understand that divorce carries certain boundaries and sacrifices. Hope that helps!! Take care, and don't feel guilty for being ill. PG
  3. sdown

    sdown New Member

    Sorry to hear about your mother-in-law. I had a funeral to go to this year and I was unable to attend. For the same reason I did not want to risk driving as I was not well enough. At first it bothered me to think what the family would say but then I thought if I get into an accident will they pay or come see me in the hospital. You have to think of yourself because no one else will. If your sick and cannot drive because its too dangerous then dont go. Your daughter will eventually understand. Ive pushed myself many times driving and I thank God I never got in an accident but when I look back it was not worth it. I took unnecessary risks. I apologized to the family member for not attending the funeral. She accepted the apology gracefully. Ive been sick for 5 years now and Im to the point that if people dont understand its there problem not mine. Please be careful and don't take any risks, its not worth it.
  4. abbylee

    abbylee New Member

    Thank you for helping me make up my mind to stay home. I forgot to tell you that my children are 32 and 30 and both live within 25 miles of the funeral home and church. All are working or needed at my mother-in-laws house and really have no time to come for me.

    I also spoke with my dad about it, and he says to stay at home, too, so I guess that's what I'll do. I feel bad about not going, though.

  5. angeljoe

    angeljoe New Member

    I take some of the same meds that are on your lists. I wouldn't risk the trip because of the drowsines factor. If you didn't take your meds so you could drive you might go into a deep flare. I wouldn't dare trying to make that trip without your husband. Your daughter may not understand right now, but both of your safety means more. I would just send flowers and a note. He would understand if he knows anything about fibro. The meds are too strong to try and drive that trip. I'm sorry about your loss. I hope you don't feel guilty about not going. I hope your daughter is understanding with your decision.
    You're in my prayers,
  6. tejanya

    tejanya New Member

    was your relationship one of keeping in touch over the years? then at the time of the funeral, take a moment and say a prayer for the ones left and hurting. your kids are old enough to understand your limitations. if they do not, they may not ever. those are a lot of drugs to be driving on, especially when the kids could do the drive. it hurts me sometimes to just ride any distance. we hace to stay strong with what we can and can not do. of course there will be depression. she was the kids granny. do what you know is right for yourself and the ones at home. would the kids come over and help you with all that needs to be done and you can not do it due to the trip. so many ???, and the answers are just out of reach, it seems.
    glad you made up your mind. just stand on that decision.
  7. abbylee

    abbylee New Member

    Thank you for agreeing with the others. I've sent flowers and I hope they will suffice. I'll probably call him (her son), after things calm down and he's had time to adjust to things.

    The last thing I said to him (a week or so ago), I told him that he needed to take her driver's license but I guess he didn't to it. She had already had a few close calls and one day she took a wrong turn and ended up 200 miles away in the wrong place - in fact - it took a while to find her because she didn't recognize the town.


  8. Dee50

    Dee50 New Member


    It's good you are not driving. Sometimes we have to say no and it's so hard. Take care of yourself and don't beat yourself up about not being able to drive. We all have to stay within our saftely zones. And it is not always comfortable.

    I'm so sorry for your loss and your children's loss of their grandma. Grandma are very special.

    God Bless you all,
  9. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    It is enough to let the family know how much you regret that you cannot go. Send a card, flowers, or a contribution to her favorite charity. That's all that can be expected of you.

    I've missed a funeral and the baptism of my only grandchild due to my illnesses. My family understands.

    Please take good care of yourself and try not to stress over this decision as it can bring on a flare. Your family and you are in my prayers.

    Love, Mikie
  10. twister425

    twister425 New Member

    Hi Abbylee,
    I'm certinley not i the exact dilema, but close enough. My ex live near Detroit MI and Me and my 2 girls live in northern michigan{still lower michigan} but far enough that we both have to drive just over 100 miles one way to meet and swap the kids.The only help I get in the driving process is my dad and truth be told I wont ride in the same car when my dad drive so why would i let my kids but i too am on lots of meds.
    Duragesic 50meq every 3 day
    Vicodin ES every 6 hour for breakthruogh
    lexapro 20 mg
    cymbalta 60 mg
    zanaflex 12 mg
    nuerontin 2400 mg
    My ex will not go any further north and i am expected to be.He has no clue what I go through. visitation is court ordered. I only hope if something ever does go wrong I will be the only person in the car.
    Sorry for you kids loss.
  11. rosemarie

    rosemarie Member

    Are your kids of a driving age? If so ask them if they can drive you there becuase you seem to feel like it is important for you to be there. Tell them that you will help with the gas expense of they will drive you there and take you home again.

    But don't drive your self. I drive when I have a car that works but i find on long drives i get sleepy and really drowey and I just want to dose off . So I am grateful that my husband drives and I can sleep if I need to. Just going to a funeral is a stress on your emotions adn they some how effect you and the pain you will have, after all you are saying good bye to some one whom who cared about and my still do.

    My Mom has lost a BIL and a sister and they both live in Canada , alberta. Mom is 79 and can't drive that far, and even tho my cousins asked her if they came and got her would she come ad she said that it was just to trying on her and to send her love to the family and let them all know that she loves them and would bethere if she could.

    I have lost my MIL, and a BIL, 2 great Aunts and my hubbie did all the driving but it was so stressfull to have to stand there in the lines and greet people and have them look at you as you limp out of the room as you have to move and it hurts to walk.It is so smotional for me that I seem to only hurt worse but I went anyway and my SIL was so gracious to m e worring more about me than her self as it was her husband that has passed away.

    And her kids brought their kids to me to play with so that I could see them and play with them a bit while they stood in the lines. MY heart was broken by the loss of my BIL even though I knew that he was il and had been for years and that his passing was the best for him and he family but it still hurts to lose someone who you love.

    Having a death in the family is so hardon your body and mind and sometimes the best thing to do is not to go and put yourself through all of the pain and suffering that comes with funerals. I Know that it is hard to stay at home and have family wonder Why your not there and have your kids want you there and they don't get it either.

    @ of my 3 daughters have no underatanding of how much pain I have each day of my life and how stressfull things like death are for me. I don't want the day to be about me. If I go I feel like all eye's are on me as I walk around limping in pain and crying because of the pain but can use the tears as I am missing the person that has passed on.
    I find it really embarassing to have all eyes on me as I move around as I can't stand still for very long and I get all sorts of questions about what is wrong with me. DId you fall , have you broken some thing else this time? Why are you crying what has happened to you as you are walking funny? The attention should beon the family who has lost the loved one not on Auntie me.

    I am not the one who has passed on I just feel like death warmed over. {AS rude as that sounds} I don't want people asking questions as to why I am in pain and what is wrong can I help you do you need help with this or that. I feel like i am being selfish as people are staring at me and forgetting the person that we have lost. I don't want to become the center of attention as I am not. This is not my day and hope fully it will be a long ways away.

    As much as I love my aunts and uncles I can't drive the 800 miles to the funerals as I would not be able to walk after the long ride. I would be hurting so much that all I would be thinkging aboaut would be me adn not the loss of my family so staying home is a better thing that way I can remeber them in my way adn think about all the wonderfull things that they have brought in to my life and how greatfull I am to have been blessed with the joy of having them in my life . IT is a much better way to remember them than having all eyes on me as I tripp and walk funny so I will be at home and remembering the people i have lose.

    Just take care of yourself, i fyour family can drive you to the funeral then go if not them call the family and explain that you don't drive now and then say how you fellt about the perosn. And tell them that they are all loved and remebered in your mind. That is what I would do.

    LOve to you Rosemarie

  12. abbylee

    abbylee New Member

    Thank you all for your advice. I'm staying home, but feel that I should be there.

    One of my children lives in Garner, NC, (30 or so miles from my M-I-L's funeral) and my son is in Wilmington, NC (100 or so miles from there), and they all went to the chapel last night. The funeral is today (Saturday). My parents were there, too.

    I spoke with her son yesterday and he is in shock, I think, or at least he hasn't accepted this yet. It will take time, I'm sure, but since he's an only child I worry about all of the tomorrows to come. A large part of his time is spent helping her with her home and yard. I just pray that he can keep it together.


    [This Message was Edited on 12/24/2005]
  13. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    Nothing prepares us for it and in a case like this, it was so sudden. Some wounds never completely heal; they just get better with time. I'm an only child and lost my Mom 3 1/2 years ago. I still miss her and feel as though a part of me is missing too. It's not something I dwell on but I think of Mom every day.

    I will keep you all in my prayers as I know everyone is still in shock and much of the pain is yet to be felt. God bless you.

    Love, Mikie
  14. abbylee

    abbylee New Member

    We need all of the prayers for her son. He was the joy in her life and since he was an only child, he has no one to share this with. Both of my parents are still living, though we almost lost my mom when she had a heart attack 7 1/2 years ago.

    I talked with him via phone last night, and my heart just broke apart. His father died about 2 years ago and now her. Oh, and she died on what would be our anniversary had her son and I stayed married.

  15. abbylee

    abbylee New Member

    Thank you for your kind words and support during this time. This group offers more support than I've received anywhere else. (Not with just this situation, but many many more.)

    It's funny how people we don't even know are there for us when others aren't.


[ advertisement ]