OT: EX MIL mocking me for not going to church? Please help

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by lenasvn, Jul 26, 2006.

  1. lenasvn

    lenasvn New Member

    I have brought this woman up before, shortly the story THEN was that she told me this cute little "story" about a woman she met in the park, that just "happened" to have had 2 children on her own (like me) and just "happened" to be poor (like me). She got tired of living on a dime and desided to go to med. school to become an MD. How sweet! Oh, and she is her new doc. What she meant to say with her sweet smile was "Get off your d#%n hypochondriac ass and get a job so I don't have to be ashamed in front of my "perfect little friends".

    Anyways, big leap forward. One day I had to go to her house. I walked in to her living room and headed for the couch where her big bible just happen to lay strategically. She said suddenly with her always big "sweet" smile: "Oh, let me move this scary stuff out of your way".

    Another jaw dropper. As time have passed since I got to know her (she is the grammy of my daughter) I've had a harder and harder time looking her in the eyes. I despise her! You can not talk to her about things either, she avoids conflict (but like to give her sweet little "messages" here and there). She accually pulled this hypochondriac stuff on my ex.husband too, he suffers from Gulf War Syndrome.

    First, I more or less grew up in church, found another way to practice my belief that worked better for me, I respect differences in faith and culture. I've told her I believe in Christ, but not the church- I don't go there. Does this give her the right to mock me? What's wrong with this woman? How do you talk to deaf ears? The woman was a pastors wife for many years,divorced and remarried.

    I come from another country (Sweden) and culturally I get confused. In my country it would be wrong for an ex. MIL to "lecture" a non- blood relative. As I look back, this is how she treated her son, that is why I recognise a pattern. How do I put a stop to her insults? She really have no business telling me what to do anyway? I am 39 years old! I divorced her son physically in 2004. I've been a work-a-holic since age 16! I didn't work for the past 3 years because of my plummeting health.

    She never come to see how I'm doing and help with the kids out of pure wanna-do, she only bring my son to church on sundays to save at least one poor soul in my horrible home.
    She will take the children if I'm going to a doc. appt. I'll give her that.

    Mentally I feel abused and tired. I have no moral support except for you guys here. I have superb support from my family back home in Sweden. Oh, I have this lady from a different church than MIL that is my saving Angel! She never impose herself and her stuff on me. She respects me, listen to me, and can even discuss faith and agree to disagree about it. Bless her heart!

    Please give me advice on how to respond to her little "let me move this scary stuff out of your way" crap. That was one thing too many, she needs to show some respect for me! I need to nip this crap in the butt, but am at a loss of how. And if her goal was to "make" me go to church- this will just bring me further away, don't ya'll think?

    By the way, she is retired for Carpal tunnel alone! How did she do it?! Then I am supposed to get my lazy ass going when I have severe neuropathy in my hands/ arms, carpal tunnel, postural tachycardia, rhaynauds, chronic migraines, high BP, awaiting FM or CFS diagnosis in September, IBS, extreme fatigue, muscle weakness/ wasting, osteo and other yet unsure of- arthritis, bad disk in C-spine, I could go on for a while longer!

    Sorry about the long post, I do those once in a blue moon!

  2. kjfms

    kjfms Member

    So sorry you have to put up with this awful stuff. I am a firm believer that we all have the right to worship the way we want it is what's in out hearts that matters not a building.

    I can't tell you what to do but I would tell this woman to mind her own business. You do not tell her how to do her thing and she should not tell you how to do yours.

    I am sorry but she sounds like a selfish, unhappy set on making those around her miserable. People like this are hard to please and hard to get away from.

    You can not be subtle with people like this woman you just have to be blunt and tell it like it is...if you are at the point where that is what you want to do.

    I do wish you the best of luck with your situation and I think you already answered you own question.

    It will get better. Keeping good thoughts for you,

    Karen:)
  3. KateMac329

    KateMac329 New Member

    I feel for you!

    Believe me I have one of those too only mine isn't an ex she is STILL my MIL!

    I swear if there were ever a reason that my husband and I were to divorce it would be because of her and her only!

    I guess if I were in your shoes and believe me this is MUCH easier said then done I would have said, "Oh, that's not scary stuff at all." I would have kind of said it in a non-chalant (sp) way like you didn't know where she was coming up with this stuff.

    Other then that I don't have any advice for you sweetie. I know it is tough and I am so sorry!

    (((HUGS)))

    If I do think of anything though I will definitely come back and let you know!

    kate
  4. rosemarie

    rosemarie Member

    AS I was reading your post I suddenly had a few not very Christ like thoughts about what I would day to your EX-MIL.

    I am far from perfect and believe me I understand how you feel. I don't go to church either. For me it started out when they changed times to the Sacrememnt Meeting. It was at 12:30 pm and not it is at 9:30am. I don't sleep very good and for some strange reason at 9 am in the morning I am finally in a good sound sleep. And it is so hard to wake up.

    When I do go , I feel like I am and old lady who can't stay awake for a one hour long meeting. I am 50 now and I went to church one Sunday and before you know it my head had dropped and I was snoring softly. Thankfully my Mom was sitting with me and she had dosed off . When I snored it startled me so I slowly opened my eye's and my Mom's friend was tapping Mom on the shoulder tell her to wake up and she thought that Mom was the one snoreing. NOT me.

    But it was so emabrassing for me. I sit there like I am a zombie and I have trouble remembering people. And since the weather has been so hot I have been in a constant flare so I just don't go.

    But it is not my MIL but my Mom who wants me to go to church and I get the same lecture each sunday .
    I am an adult woman who believes in my religion but right now I am struggeling just to do the daily things in my life. Sitting on a bench that is tillted at a angle backwards causes my back to ache and when I go to stand up my legs are numb. And I can't move and I have people who want out of the bench and I can't move.
    So I don't go. I want to but it is not the time yet. I will go there. But it will be when I am ready to go.

    I have never had a Ex-MIL so I don't how one should act.
    But maybe because she is your daughter Grammy she thinks that "your family" and that gives her the right to say what she thinks.
    That is not very christ like of her.

    IF you don't feel good aboaut atteneding the same church that she goes to them by all means go to one where you feel welcome and have friends that care about you.

    I am sorrry that she treats you so poorly.I wish that I could tell you what to say to her . All I can think of is to tell her that she is welcome to come and take your son to church but to keep the remarks about you and how you feel out of it. You don't have to put up with what she says , maybe you could just walk away from her. WRite her a letter and explaint to her that you don't need her telling you to go to church or to what church you go to.

    I don't want to say tell her to butt out of your life as she is your kids grandma and they still need her in there lives. But you should not have to put up with her cutting remarks.

    Sorry that your having a tough time.
    HUGS,
    Rosemarie
  5. Susan07

    Susan07 New Member

    I just wrote in another post when someone says something so incredibly rude you can come back with "did you mean for that to sound as rude as it did?".

    As for religion you might try "do you want to discuss my spiritual walk? I'll be glad to when you talk to me as a Christian would".

    The other poster was right when she said that people like this only seem to understand bluntness.

    Before your next visit ask God to give you the right words. Let's see what he comes up with!

    Consider you are at a restaurant with your kids, if they act up you would leave. When she says something rude, say "I can see we're not welcome here" and walk back out the door.

    I understand your reticence (sp?) since she babysits for you. When she asked to move the "scary" stuff I might have said - why in the world would you say that!?"

    I would probably give her a book on FM and possibly print some posts on here or some of the info and give it to her. Telling her "I'm sure you're concerned about my health so I wanted to give you some information so you can understand a little of what I am going through".

    You might give her a gift with a letter letting her know how much you appreciate her watching the kids including an explanation of your health problems. i.e., it means so much when you take the kids when I am so fatigued from my illnesses that I just need to rest.

    Take care,
    Susan
  6. PVLady

    PVLady New Member

    Why don't you come out and tell her those comments make you feel like she is picking on you for some reason.

    Tell her to please keep her comments to herself. She can think whatever she wants but please don't make comments. You don't make comments to her, so she can stop making them to you.

    This is a person who will not take a hint, she needs to be hit over the head with the truth, no hinting will do. She does not care.

    Come right out and ask her to stop, and do that over and over until she realizes you are going to call her every single time she does it.

    This might take a few months but eventually she has to get tired of you calling her on her comments.

    The only other thing is for you to find a way to ignore her but that is so hard.
  7. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    tell her you like spending your time watching thosereliegous shows on t/v. at the early morning...and you pray every night for her...you don't owe her any explanation on what you do or don't do...

    it doesn't sound like you are still really on friendly basis w/.her...so why the heck would you like to go hang w/exmil...

    good luck

    jodie
  8. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Why do you have any contact with this toXic EX?! Avoid her as though she were a rattlesnake!
  9. ChristineInPA

    ChristineInPA New Member

    I don't think I'd want her around my child.

    I wouldn't want my child exposed to that kind of mean-spirited person.

    I realize she is the child's g-mother, but I would severely cut back on the amount of time you or your child spend with her.

    Let her earn the right to see your kids.
  10. texasmaia

    texasmaia New Member

    "realize she is the child's g-mother, but I would severely cut back on the amount of time you or your child spend with her.

    Let her earn the right to see your kids"

    Ouch....coming from an outside view here, I have to ask this poster what does a person have to do to EARN the right to see their grandchildren? I'm sorry but I very much disagree with you.

    I have a son and daughter in law that like to USE their children to manipulate me and my husband. When we say or do something they don't like 'we don't get to see the kids'.

    Those precious children live in a small farming town with us about 4 blocks away. Due to the fact that their parents don't like to spend time or energy with them and 'pawn' them off on us, my husband and I have spent nearly every evening and every weekend of their lives with them.

    Yes, when they don't let us have them it hurts us..but we are adults...the girls are the ones who it hurts the most.

    Don't kid yourself, that relationship that children have with their grandparents is like no other and can never be replaced.

    Why would you want to harm that because of petty disagreements between adults? That is very unfair to the children.

    Adults need to work out the situation or live with it the way it is. We sacrifice what ever we have to in order to give our children the sense of a strong family bond and love for others. SACRIFICE!

    I am not condoning the relationship the MIL has here with the original poster...I am speaking about taking away her rights as a grandmother to those children.

    We earn that right by raising the children we had. It's not taken away unless we are abusive, neglectful or harmful in some way to those children.

    My mom gave me a cute little framing that says:
    "Grandchildren are the gift we get for not strangling our teenagers!"
  11. Kimelia

    Kimelia New Member

    The good thing about her being your ex mil is you don't have to communicate with her like you would if she were still your mil.

    Personally I would do everything in my power to communicate as little as possible. I wouldn't allow her input in my life. But it's easy for me to say, i'm not you.

    I don' thave the best feelings about my ex in laws and certainly wouldn't listen to their criticism, or care about it.
  12. lenasvn

    lenasvn New Member

    You all had very nice replies,it gave me something to chew on. I have to beat this demon head on, confront her about it, as far as I am concerned she have no business voicing her opinion. And little winks like that infuriates me, I like head-on communication, straight talk, not some subtle little hints. It's ugly, and people can easily explain away little hints, like "you must have misunderstood". Abusive behavior- yes. I was married to one, I don't need it again,,,LOL!

    Rockgor said: "Why do you have any contact with this toXic EX?! Avoid her as though she were a rattlesnake!".

    I always love your input, Rockgor, the thing is, she is my daughters grandmother, This battle is an adult battle and I can't rock my daughters boat in this case. I don't hang around grandma much either, it's limited to dropping off my son on sundays.

    I have to sit down and read your replies again to refresh my fibro brain, I read most of them last night when my body was already shutting down for my warm cosy bed!

    Many hugs to all!
  13. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    Hi, lenasva -

    You said that your ex MIL does take care of your kids when you have an appointment..... OK.... but she's the kids grandmother, right? I mean, she may want to see them.

    What I'm trying to get at here is that it doesn't seem to me that you need to spend time with her except to drop off the kids and pick them up. Am I missing something? I wouldn't be in her house long enought for her to have to move "the scary stuff" out of my way if she treated me without respect. You don't owe this women enough to let her stress you out.

    In the wonderful words of an old family friend, "Rise above it." She can't get to you unless you let her.

    Here's a hug,
    Marta
  14. jake123

    jake123 New Member

    I would ask her how her poor little carpal tunnel thingey is doing.
  15. lenasvn

    lenasvn New Member

    Carolin

    I've been nice, nice, nice. Why? Because of the children. Don't think I would be this nice if it wasn't for the children. It does not give her the right, does it. I am a polite person to be around, I don't start arguments. I deserve respect.

    I cannot "make friends" with someone who is boneheaded into not accepting me "as is". I don't really have to either. I just have to be nice and polite the few moments we meet. I expect her to be the same.

    Jake123, I was considering asking her (because I'm seriously curious!) how she got her carpal tunnel approved!! I really wonder how she got her disability on that alone.

  16. Cromwell

    Cromwell New Member

    This woman is no representative of Christ's teachings. It was through people just like her, spiteful, full of hate, judgemental that I kept running across at various churches that I too decided to worship in my own way as these people are just full of dogma and not truth.

    I would tell her you will pray for her and stay away from her.

    If she does not bother to come to see you then just don't bother, toxic people are very harmful to us as they cause stress.

    Just do this: In your mind see a rowboat, place her in it and cast the boat away, set her sailing in another direction and wish her blessings and peace as you do so.

    Themn just keep her out of your life as much as you are able. The idea of casting these people away is to help yourself. Remember the three wise monkeys. You do not need this woman. My bet is she needs you as people like her have to put others down to feel better about themselves.

    It is not a cultural thing, there are people like this all over the world, try and ignore her. AND you have more than a full time job raising those children especially in your poor health. You deserve a medal!!!

    Love Anne Cromwell
  17. lenasvn

    lenasvn New Member

    Bless your heart, Cromwell and Prickles!

    The roving boat scene made me chuckle! Visualization is powerful, but I saw her sitting there in it, helpless, sailing away while I wave with a big smile at her! LOL! I will visualize for a purpose next time though

    People tell me to not let it bother me, but I can't really NOT let things like this happen to me. Also, I have a very severe case of PTSD, resentment, judgement and accusations are cornerstones in my PTSD, they are the very thing that trigger me. I will flashback until I'm out of thew situation.

    I have to function without vibes that my children pick up on, therefore I have to take the bull by the horn and deal with this.

    many thanks for superb advice.

    Prickles, your advice is superb, I think those kind of things very often,,,like "If you go out in the woods and speak to the animal spirit and bring back the message they give you,,,I'll go to church with you". LOL!
  18. nicky00

    nicky00 New Member


    The saying goes , try not to change the person but how you react to that person.

    The other saying is , people get angry at what they dont allow themselves.

    I would side step her comments by not entertaining a response to them. Instead perhaps you might ask her more fundamental questions about herself.

    The scary bible, turn it back on her by asking her what she is scared of. Make the comment her problem not yours.
    Ask her at anytime you feel like she is trying to upset you how she is feeling. If she asks why ..tell its your instinct.

    Keep telling yourself she is unhappy but dont make her behaviour excusable.

    Write her a letter. tell her how you feel when she...

    Keep going out of the room to get something and breath ...

    be out when she is in.

    Or just plain tell her you are not allowing her to be rude to you and intend to tell her each and everytime.

    Remember ANGER comes out in many ways. Quiet,saccarhin smiles etc.
    Keep your energy, dont allow her to sap it.
    Think about the friends who make you feel more energised and those that drain you.

    Trust your instincts.

    Nx
  19. lenasvn

    lenasvn New Member

    very well said. Accually, the day she said the "scary stuff" comment I was so stunned I had a brainstill and pretended I didn't hear her. I was thinking after the fog that I should have asked: "Oh, is that how you feel, did you consider talking to your pastor about that?"

    I have gracefully pulled away and said nothing, my fibrofog usually prevent me from reacting fast, it is a big problem for me! All the good stuff comes along too late unless I'm having a "good day".

    Your other suggestion "how are you feeling?" is very good. Turning it back on her without being aggressive.

    I have just emailed her yesterday saying I apologize for my woozy brain, but "I think I missed the point of the story you told me, would you please tell me?"

    She is always by the computer once a day, and she have not responded yet. Go figure, that how she usually handle the slightest uncomfortable questions. Silence.

    Thanks again, I appreciate your response.
  20. dononagin

    dononagin New Member

    Ya know.. the bible says "Judge not!"
    Who does she think she is..
    Maybe ya ought to tell her that you thought Christians were supposed to be NICE!!
    Ugh!!

    Hugs!
    Dona