OT: Husband has VERY bad temper, need advice - UPDATE

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by phoebe1, Sep 20, 2006.

  1. phoebe1

    phoebe1 New Member

    90% of the time my husband is very loving and caring, he really does a lot for me and many of my friends are atually jealous :)
    But something that bothers me is his temper, when he gets upset with me it's like he loses all control and turns into a different person. He calls me names, swears at me, threatens to divorce me, threatens to hurt me, this morning he threatened to kill me.

    He has never touched me and when his anger subsides he always apologises and says that he will kill himself before he hurts me. It must sound like he is crazy, I don't know why he is like this but he has always since I've known him had a very bad temper.

    This morning he got upset with me and I refused to talk to him because he was already losing it, that just added fuel to the fire and he screamed at me the whole way to work (45min drive) and that is when he threatened to drive the car off the road.
    He said that maybe if he threatened to kill me I would talk.

    This is a man who buys me flowers, never says no to me, rubs my back in the evening, tells me he loves me everyday, helps me clean the house and tells me how proud he is of me.
    His father was an alcoholic when they were small, I don't know if this is why he turned out like he did.

    We never even fight about anything important, but he explodes over the smallest thing and then I usually refuse to talk to him which makes him even more angry, then I start crying and all the time he will just yell at me and I am totally unable to say or do anything back because I'm too upset.

    We have only been married 2 years, I think he has threatened me with divorce at least 5 times. I'm wondering if I should be the one this time to say I want a divorce, or could this be solved with marriage counseling?
    I'm still young and I don't want to be trapped in a marriage with a man like this.
    Just imagine if we have children and they upset him!
    I do love him and I know that he loves me, but is that enough?

    Our families don't know about this, and I honestly don't think I have the strength to go through a divorce now. We work at the same place which means I will have to see him everyday and I don't want to fight over who gets what and ugly things like that.
    Our wedding anniversary is this sunday, yesterday he told me he is the luckiest man on earth and that he would be nothing without me, this morning he told me I could shove our anniversary because it means nothing to him, just like our marriage.
    Please give me some advice!

    Phoebe


    [This Message was Edited on 09/22/2006]
  2. PVLady

    PVLady New Member

    Why don't you get your husband to see a therapist. Yes, he is angry but probably not about you, you just trigger him. It could be unresolved problems from the past.

    I used to blow up at my husband and when I realized I was verbally abusive, I decided to get help.

    I had "cognitive therapy" and it changed everything. I stopped taking things out on my husband, and I never did blow up at him again. I apologized to him and promised it would never happen again.

    I can't tell you how happy he was and is. I can't go back and change what has happened, but I was able to get help and change the future.

    (I was very angry from issues from childhood and my mother. In therapy I was able to realize who I was really mad at and stop punishing my poor husband).

    Cognitive therapy does not take that long, it is intended to be shorter. I went about 6 months. If he does decide to see a therapist, I suggest he see three different ones and then decide which one he likes best. That is what I did and I am glad, the doctor I wound up with was wonderful.

    Also, make sure it is a psychologist with a PHD. I found my doctor by going to the website of "Psychology Today". I believe they have a search engine on their website where you can search for psychologists in your area.




    [This Message was Edited on 09/20/2006]
  3. patches25

    patches25 New Member

    Dear Phoebe,

    I spent 1 1/2 years going to battered persons support group meetings trying to hold myself together. One type of abuser we learned about was exactly like you are talking about. He is considered a cyclic abuser.

    You need to somehow get yourself to those kinds of meetings if you cannot find the courage to make a good decision about your future. What is happening is not good.

    A friend of mine had a marriage like you described. She remained in the marriage over 20 years, died of cancer and he still lives on as mean as ever.

    My heart aches when I think back on those years and all the tears we shed. And so many of us in danger and trying to find a way to have a future. Please find your way. I wish I could hold you too. Love, Evelyn
  4. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    and you do not deserve what he is doing to you...that is clearly verbal abuse...

    i think something is off in his head personally...

    it will only get worse if you do not react now...

    he is threatening to kill you and run the car off the road...

    you do not know how many times my exhb dx, bipolar would tell me how he has thought of driving the truck or car off one of the bridges..

    he never hit me either..but he did verbally abuse me in ways too..the it was the cheating...not that your's doing that part..

    but he has major issues..

    and you need to get away for some therapy for yourself...if he won't go do it...you leave him..

    jodie
  5. JLH

    JLH New Member

    Dear Phoebe,

    When your hubby is in a "good" mood, you need to talk with him about seeing a therapist--one with an M.D. degree (a psychiatrist), so meds can be prescribed, if necessary.

    He sounds like he is bi-polar. If he is, he will never get any better without meds. In fact, his "spells" of rage will get worse.

    I, personally, could not live a lifetime with a man like this if he refused to get the medical help that he needs so terribly. But that is just me. Be glad that you do not have any children yet.

    Please try and get him to a doctor ... and soon, before he hurts you in one of his rages.

    I'll keep you in my prayers.

    Love,
    Janet
  6. blueski31717

    blueski31717 New Member

    Deal breaker. Let me say it again- deal breaker. My ex did the same thing yelled and threatened then one day he hit. Thats why he is ex.

    My friend, bless her soul, had a husband yell and threaten too and one day he shot her , run over her with her car, took her car and left her body in the road. She used to tell me too that he would come and say he was sorry and would never hurt her. She is dead, he is in prison. Her children devastated. May I say it again-DEAL BREAKER.

    Both of you get counseling-now. If he refuses to go-well I think you know, may I say it again-DEAL BREAKER.

    He broke the deal when he yelled-he broke the deal when he threatened...will you wait to be like my friend? I hope not.

    I do not mean to be so blunt but I do not want to see/hear of you ending up like my friend.

    Get help now. You are in my prayers.
    [This Message was Edited on 09/20/2006]
  7. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    probably the alcholic father. Mine was alcholic and he wold fly into rages and smash furniture, etc.

    An anger management class and cognitive therapy helped me. If he won't do these things, you should give serious consideration to the advice r: a separation.

    Sounds like he has little impulse control and could be dangerous.
  8. Slayadragon

    Slayadragon New Member

    I think it's conceivable that your husband grew up with an alcoholic father who behaved in totally inappropriate ways when he was drunk, and thus learned some "bad habits" with regard to managing his temper that he has not had cause to change.

    If he really believes that he has a serious problem and is committed to making an real effort to change, I think there is hope. If he just apologizes or glosses over the behavior---or if you don't call him on it now--- I think it will get worse over time. Maybe it will move into physical abuse, maybe not, but it doesn't matter. A person can't live in a relationship like that no matter how much they want to be with someone.

    I think I'd start out by buying a book on the topic....something like "The Verbally Abusive Relationship." Then I think I would think about how his behavior is affecting you and share that with him in a calm but firm way, stressing the seriousness of situation and the fact that I wasn't going to be able to live in the relationship over the long-term if it continued. I would ask him to read the book and think about his behavior, and then discuss it. During the discussions, I would try to get him to reveal as much about what he's thinking and feeling when he gets angry, and to be understanding and accepting of his right to have those thoughts and feelings---while making sure to continue to make it clear that the _behavior_ of yelling at you and saying mean things is not acceptable.

    If he responds positively (e.g. agrees there is a major problem, reads the book, is willing to keep talking about the problem in therapy or on your own), I would give things some more time as you practice getting along better.

    Even if he wants to change, he'll probably lapse into bad behavior on occasion (although hopefully not threatening to drive the car off the road). I would want to decide with him in advance what to do in those situations---e.g. for you to say something predetermined ("You're losing your temper now, and we agreed that when that happened we would be silent until later on when we've calmed down.") And then I would talk about what happened later on, and go over what he was feeling when he got upset, and try to express understanding and support, and then practice how you both can change what you do or say to get past those difficult moments.

    Of course, he may deny that he has a problem and/or refuse to work on it. In that case, you don't have any choice but to take care of yourself, probably by ending the relationship. On the other hand, he may really want to be in a healthy relationship (e.g. unlike his parents') but not know how, in which case you have a good chance of not only improving your marriage to a satisfactory level but in helping him to be what he feels to be a better person as well.

    I think that people give up on relationships too easily. "He's verbally abusive--get rid of him!" "He cheated on you--get rid of him!" "She doesn't understand me--I'm moving on." "She won't have sex often enough--I'm out of here." (And in many cases, men are just as upset by not having enough sex as women--or men--are by verbal abuse, by the way.)

    I tend to think that most relationships have major problems, even if they're swept under the rug. In order to have a marriage that lasts, you're probably going to have to unravel some knots at some point no matter who you're with. And I'm not sure it matters as much how "serious" the problems seem on the surface, but rather how much both people want to work them out and whether they go about doing so in a constructive way.

    In this case, he might not be truly willing to try to change, or he might not be able to change. But if you try to work on it with him (rather than either ignoring the behavior or just leaving), you'll at least have tried to make things work in a constructive way. You may even learn something about him and become closer. As with any problem, it will take patience and caring and trust (that you both really want the relationship to be good for each of you) and love, though.

    All these things, and maybe most importantly, courage to insist not only that he listen to you but that he share his inner thoughts about things with you, in a loving (if not always eventempered) way. It's hard, and there's a good chance it might not work, but since you're already married and you do seem to love him, it seems worth it to try.

    You can't just let it slide though. It will be work for both of you, no doubt. Maybe it's not worth it, or maybe it is.

    Reading over other posts, I agree with PV Lady that cognitive therapy may be helpful and that he should see three therapists before committing to one (although I'm not sure they need a Ph.D.). I also agree that there's a chance that he's bipolar and that should be explored. (If it is bipolar, it sounds pretty mild and thus likely to be fixed pretty easily with one of the anticonvulsants.....although he probably still will need work changing fixed patterns of behavior).

    Undoubtedly I'm taking a less hard line on this because of my own experience. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family, and when I first got married, we would have fights about what seemed (to both of us) to be about nothing. Then one day I read that book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" and literally said to myself, oh, I do some of those things, and maybe if I stop, things will get better." And then I made a conscious effort to stop, and things did get better. Sometimes problems are easier than you think they might be to fix, if you really want to fix them and are given the tools.

    Not always, just sometimes.

    Anyway, regardless of what you do, good luck.

    [This Message was Edited on 09/21/2006]
  9. petsrme

    petsrme Member

    Phoebe, it is times like this that I so wish we had a private messaging forum. The reason is because this is such a controversial topic and all might not agree with my post. If your husband has never laid a hand on you or been violent in anyway, he might just be all talk. He loses it and says a bunch of stuff he doesn't mean. Talk hurts though and can be very damaging to you. It also may lead to worse things. If he is threatening to kill you or himself, you have to take it seriously. Hopefully, he is just venting and would never do what he has said. Another thing you might want to look at and I, in no way am saying this is your fault, is that you are clamming up when he wants to talk. My husband clams up every time anything comes up. No matter what the argument. If he does something wrong like bounces a check or something that is clearly not the right thing, I want to discuss it and he get's angry. He tells me to be quiet and says threatening things to try to scare me into shutting up. This frustrates me so badly I want to scream. I keep on talking anyway and his threats are always futile. He used to get mad and tear up things in the house thinking it would make me drop the subject. He learned that I was not afraid of his temper tantrums and finally stopped. He will still tell me to quit talking about it, but if I want to talk I will talk.

    I know you not talking is your right, but it might be triggering his response. When you stop talking is it because you are afraid or just mad. Most of us women want a man to talk things out with. If he wants to talk about the problem you might should do that. If he just wants to keep arguing and fighting i don't blame you one bit for not wanting to keep talking. It sounds like you know that when you both keep talking about it he will keep getting angrier and angrier and you are trying to stop the cycle. If that is the case tell him that when he is calm and tell him that when he starts the abuse you will leave the situation and not talk until he is calm.

    It sounds like he is an almost perfect husband except for the abusive times he threatens you verbally. Ask him to go to counseling. If he refuses, go yourself. If this continues you need to leave because no matter how perfect he is otherwise, you need someone who doesn't abuse you verbally when they get angry. The key points are his threatening your life. That is just unacceptable. Even if he is just losing his temper and all talk, that talk is just not right. Take care of yourself and get some counseling. Tell him he wants to talk so he can talk to a counselor or give you up. Hopefully he will agree to it.
  10. mildred623

    mildred623 New Member

    This post could of been written by me. This sounds exactly like my husband. I have been in counseling for years and he refuses to go. Says everything is "my problem". And if I would just work on fixing myself he wouldnt have to act this way. The only advice I seem to get from anyone is to "leave him" which for various reasons I wont get into I have no intention of doing. So I just go on with it because I believe he will never change. I dont really have any advice here just wanted to say I do know what your going through and how hard it is. I guess the only advice I do have is only you know how much you can tolerate. And if it eventually gets to the point where you cant tolerate it any more you will find the strength to leave. Good luck
  11. Hootie1

    Hootie1 New Member

    Please listen to the advice for counseling, but also, do not get pregnant until this is worked out. I am in a marriage for almost 20 years, which would not have continued had I not gotten pregnant. The story is too long, but please, do not get pregnant until this is fixed.
  12. hugs4evry1

    hugs4evry1 New Member

    They all apologize afterwards....if they want something, if it serves their purpose, if they feel like it.

    Your husband is NOT a nice man, I don't care what he's like 90% of the time. Nice men don't do what he does. Nice men don't threaten to KILL the women they love.

    Nice men don't call their wives names. Nice men don't threaten to hurt their wives.

    This isn't love, it's crap. It's control.

    Since you never know where or when it's coming...your life is only going to get worse.

    If you think he's suddenly going to stop behaving like this, I can only tell you that you couldn't be more wrong.

    Love is a verb...not just something you say....

    And love NEVER hurts like that. (Can you tell I've been there too??? Many, many years ago though...)

    My advice for you is that NO ONE needs this, NO ONE deserves this and since you have no children, I would highly recommend leaving. He's controlling you with his threats, and it's working.

    That means he isn't going to stop anytime soon. Headlines are filled with stories like this, please don't let your self be one of them.

    Hugs,

    Nancy
    [This Message was Edited on 09/21/2006]
  13. Smiffy

    Smiffy Member

    Any child you have with this man would not be safe unless you supervised them together 24/7.

    I was the child of a woman with a temper like this. She abused me physically & sexually for years when my father was not around (he was a travelling rep, & complained bitterly about my 'dreadful' behaviour to him when I was. She used to drag me out of bed in the middle of the night & beat me up & down the stairs with a garden cane.

    Leave him now & don't look back.
  14. DJGirl

    DJGirl New Member

    Sorry to hear what you're going through.

    I was in a relationship once with someone that sounds just like your husband. Turns out he had Bi-Polar and was not taking any meds for it and to make matters worse he was addicted to Mountain Dew and Tylenol with Codeine.

    One day he would be nice and sweet.... yeah, with the flowers, gifts, cooking or taking me out for dinner, etc. Then he'd wake up and be so verbally abusive or just stay totally silent for the entire day. When asked what was wrong, he'd say he liked being quiet.

    Well, he was not quiet on his abusive days and it always brought me to tears and then he'd have a few words to say about that. Because I was so miserable in the relationship, I left him... and I didn't even shed a tear.

    People cannot be helped if they don't want to help themselves. If your husband is not willing to seek help, then you need to help yourself and decide what is best for you. If you have children, even more so.

  15. Linky

    Linky New Member

    Been there done that. Am still doing it after 25 years of marriage and scared constantly, it usually only gets worse over time. Im still here and not happy, would leave in a hearbeat if I could. Even once had a police officer watch him try to run me over and would you believe, the cop did absoulutely nothing to him for it. I guess what Im getting at is even if he agrees to therapy, I would let him know that you want to live seperately until he completes his therapy. As alot of us abused women can testify to the abuser will promise you the moon and stars, but as long as you stay with them they usually dont put their All into the therapy. Why should they? Your still living with them and they either think or believe that you will continue to take the abuse and make excuses for them. The real test is if they can live without you being in the same home and still go to all their therapy and get well. If it really is something he has no control over then how do you expect him to control himself with you still in the same home, you are in danger!! My husband used to say the same crap, he would hurt himself before me, hah, no way, they cant control their emotions nor their reactions to these emotions. So to err on the side of caution and your very life may depend on it, let him know you will stand by him throughout his therapy but in no way shape of form will you live in the same home and be in danger, one day he just may not be able to control himself and we all may read about your death or injury in the newspapers. Please think about your safety first, as the other gentleman stated love does not hurt, it does not threaten, it should be a comfort above all. Please consider very carefully what you plan to do and most of all do not let him change your mind once it is made up, believe me, these abusers will offer and promise anything to get you where they want you and that is normally by their side putting up with the name calling,etc. You deserve better and as the old saying goes there are more and better fish in the sea. Please take care and be very careful, think of your own well being before his!!
  16. razorqueen

    razorqueen Member

    It really sounds to me that he needs anger managment classes and counceling. I grew up with an alcoholic mother, I know how it affects a person. I am NOT excusing his behavior by any means. But He needs help! And so do you. Verbal abuse can be worse than physical abuse. The scars never go away.

    I am sorry that you are going thru this. Seek the help you need before it is too late. 20 yrs from now, if things don't change, and even if he never hits you, you will be left with just the shell of the person you are.


  17. carebelle

    carebelle New Member

    your husband needs to see a Doctor. He sounds like he could be bi-polar. Depressed and under stress. Please for his sake and yours get him to the Doctor.
  18. I agree with everyone above. RED FLAG! If you have only been married 2 yrs and he is acting this way it will only get worse. Before I 'd even consider bringing a child into this marriage I would think twice. He needs HELP!
  19. shelbo

    shelbo New Member

    It may be only a matter of time before your husband physically attacks you! Get him to seek help NOW...he cannot guarantee that he would hurt himself before he would hurt you cos when this happens he is OUT OF CONTROL!

    He needs help for his own sake and yours! It sounds like you love him a lot and like he loves you dearly too. Maybe he witnessed this stuff as a child, maybe he was threatened as a kid himself! Kids are like sponges - they soak up what they see, hear etc. Much of this behaviour can be carried into adulthood! He needs to re-learn how to behave...it sounds like this is the only way he knows how.

    I am working on some temper issues of my own. It takes a LOT for me to lose it (not justifying it at all) and I tend not to lose my temper over small things. I have come to recognise this in myself...for a while I justified my angry response to serious relationship problems as 'the only way I could show my bf that he was driving me mad'. There is no justification and I am learning to talk, discuss, open up, be patient with him and not to sit on stuff then explode. Your bf needs to do the same. I still fail sometimes and I'm not there yet but I've recognised it's a problem and it's being addressed. I don't want my bf to hate me...I'm sure your husband does not want you to hate him!

    My dad was a drinker who became violent with alcohol in his system (never towards me, but towards my mother) who made things worse because she argued back a lot! Pretuy volatile stuff. Like throwing fuel on a fire! But, needless to say, I witnessed some pretty horrible stuff. If I think back on situations that I was saw and heard from as young as four...even the key going in the door...that feeling in the pit of my stomach...abject fear...dread...when I think of it, it is very painful...the feeling comes again. I used to get diarrhoea with the fear..couldn't sleep etc. I loved my dad deeply(died two years ago) and just like you describe your husband, my dad was the perfect man 90% of the time. Like your husband, my dad was always full of remorse the next day. I always think to myself 'When I was a kid why didn't I ask him to stop, tell him how scared it made me, tell him I didn't like seeing my daddy like that?' I never did. It probably never occured to me to confront my dad that way - adults know what's best, don't they? That's what you think when you are a kid and you just accept the fear, disruption, confusion, guilt and live for the happy times! But I believe it had its effect on me.

    You say you might have kids...from what I've outlined here from personal experience, you can see, Phoebe, that it is not fair to bring a child into this situation. It needs to be resolved before you two even consider that - apart from anything else, babies are hugely stressful and it sounds like a lot of your husband's anger comes from an inability to deal with stress...people who are suffering from stress very often are tipped over the edge by something trivial...something that a non-stressed person would take in his or her stride.

    I also think that apart from having counselling alone, you should think about attending marriage counselling together. He will need your support and you will need to know how to respond, to spot signs in order to deal with his anger etc.

    This is going to take a lot of strength and honesty on your part. You need to talk to him, Phoebe. Use everything that you've learnt on this thread. Get professional advice too before confronting the issue with him. Find out yourself first about the best way to approach this with him...what to say, what not to say, how to show you'r serious etc etc. Find out which counsellors are good and have success in this area. Find out where you can both attend counselling together. Ask lots of questions first...forewarned is forearmed!

    I think your husband needs to be reassured of your love for him but firmly told that his behaviour is extremely frightening to you, very damaging to both of you a huge threat to your future relationship together should it not be dealt with.

    I am not sure whether it should be shared with family etc at this stage...but maybe you should have one 'confidante' who you can pick the phone up to should things ever get totally out-of-hand. Some one you can ring who will come get you out of the situation (even temporarily) if possible. This sounds dramatic but maybe having a code word for your confidante incase you can't talk!

    Can I ask one thing, Phoebe? Was his temper towards you THIS bad before you married? It's a bit late now but I am just wondering why you didn't insist on dealing with this before marriage? Did you just hope things would be different when you were married?

    I hope I have helped a little and hope that you two can work this out. I will pray for your situation...

    Love, Shelbo
  20. MKlady

    MKlady New Member

    Lots of good advice in the previous posts. I urge you to consider it thoughtfully.

    My addition is this: be very certain you are willing to follow through before you set any limits or consequences with him.

    He wants (and has) total power over you - what he's doing is not love, it's manipulation. The way you take power back is with very clear limits and consequences that you will act on. So be very, very sure where your bottom line is before communicating them.

    Protect yourself first - he's potentially dangerous.

    Hide a car key, money and house key outside.

    Limit the time you spend alone with him - especially in a car with him at the wheel!!

    Make sure you always carry money so you can get away if necessary.

    Start a separate bank account. Get some money that only you know about and control.

    Don't isolate yourself - you need friends now more than ever.

    Keep your cell phone on your person at all times - very important.

    Decide on what terms you are willing to stay. Have someone nearby when you communicate that to him. And rememember, he's good at sweet talking you, so be firm. No second chances if he blows it.

    If you decide to leave the marriage, have another person there when you tell him and never be alone with him again. Get restraining orders if necessary.

    I second the motion to read that book The Verbally Abusive Relationship. It opened my eyes and gave me some coping strategies.

    Good luck and God bless.