OT I would like to share a story about my dear sweet mother.

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by ckball, Aug 7, 2006.

  1. ckball

    ckball New Member



    My mom can be very nice and tries to be funny at times. Her bedroom was right over my basement workshop. It was just your basic conrete basement with no ceiling except for the subfloor for the first floor.

    She never knew I could hear every word she said while on the phone. I never heard her ever say a word about how sick I was or how glad she was to have me there. She ususally just gossiped or talked about the critters. She does love them.

    The other day I went to visit her and go to the surgeon for her leg. They are not going to operate. The bone is broke but still in place so they are leaving the cast on for 3 more weeks. She keeps taking it off and the Dr said next step is amputation if she continues to remove it and ordered it be taped on so she can't remove it.

    I spent some time with the staff to find out how she has been behaving. She refuses baths and screams bloody murder if they go near her. Would rather lay in a hospital gown then get dressed or wear the nice gowns I have bought her.

    But when she wants one of them to go to the food and drink machines for her, she is an angel. I have witnessed this first hand.

    There is a very sweet nurse who is always happy and smiling, never complains, she loves her job.

    My mom has had a very bad bedsore on her foot for over six months and is on IV antibiotics for the strep infection that is in it.

    Her nurse changes the bandages everyday, sometimes mom is fine about it and well sometimes shs is just mom. She really likes this nurse, most of the time.

    The other day a state person came in to evaluate the nurses and how they changed bandages, the lady picked mom as the patient. The nurse had already changed her bandange that day, so she went in and told mom she had to do it again. Mom said "No your not!"

    When the nurse explained about the state lady watching, she said ok. From the moment the state lady walked in the room mom started spitting venom about the nurse and how no one ever comes to check on her. Never changed her bandages and many other things. The state lady just kept writing in her notebook. Mom did not shut up until the lady left

    This story was told to me by the poor nurse that had to endure this. She was sure she was going to be reprimanded, even tho she knew she did a fine job.. The state lady told her she did fine and was writing my mother's behaviors down and not to worry.

    I asked this nurse if there any other patients in the home that were like mom. She smiled and said "Nope, your mom is the number 1 and the only one."

    I will never understand her. People that visit her say her mind is getting much better. I was there when a preacher that visits patients came in and commented how much better she is. My two 80 something aunts say the same thing. and her 2 freinds that visit say the same thing.

    I know she is in her right mind. I just don't get her. I had to threaten not to bring the dogs to visit if she doesn't take a shower. Just so happen it was her day, so they took advantage of me being there to get her in the shower. She was not a happy person.

    She is so lazy that she no longer asks to go to the bathroom, just uses her diaper and then asks the nurse to change her. I witnessed this the other day when they had to get her dressed for her appt. I was just amazed. She said wait a minute I have to pee, then filled her diaper and said ok I'm done.

    She will be 71 next week. I know there are many on this board that have had many dds but you work at getting better. You still have active lives, to a point sometimes, but you try.

    She has never tried to get better, she just wants someone to take care of her 24/7. She has been like this her whole life. Never accountable for any thing she has done.

    Anyway, thank you for reading my little novel, I know some of you may not understand or agree with how I have to deal with my mom. I have tried my entire life trying to make her proud and love me. After 50 years, I don't think she is going to start now.

    For those of you that have had wonderful parents that raised you with love and respect, please appreciate it and pass it on to your own children. Carla

  2. jake123

    jake123 New Member

    Hi Carla, They do revert back to little children don't they? And that makes us the parents. My mother was no different but she died in 1999.
  3. carebelle

    carebelle New Member

    Take the good days and let the rest go.You will never understand the why's so don't become burden with the questions.
    Sometimes there are people in our life's that are there to just teach us How we dont want to be.
    I just always figure something or someone in her life was not able to teach her because of what they lacked.
    I hope that makes since to you.
  4. ckball

    ckball New Member

    Hi Jake123- My mom has been a child her whole life. That is the sad part, she never tried to be a better person.

    Hi Carebelle- you are right, I will never have an real answer. I do not dwell on the past. She did teach me what NOT to do and that is about it. I made it my lifes purpose to become a better person, I did it on my own, I did not have anyone to lean on except myself.

    I have made mistakes, many, but I would always get up and try again. I never gave up. She did. That is the difference. It is just everytime I think I have seen her at her worst, she proves to me that I haven't. Carla
  5. carebelle

    carebelle New Member

    Be proud of yourself .
    In the end thats all that is going to matter .You sound like a person that could teach so much to others because of what you have been given and what you havent been given.
    Be happy you suceeded where she failed
  6. ckball

    ckball New Member


    Thank you because basically that is what I had done. We share the same Dr and psych Dr. They both told me when they put her in the nursng that I was to keep my visits to a minimum,

    It was for my own good. I love my Drs and they have stood by me and knew how sick I really was and to have to watch your patient go thru this with a parent first hand, they knew it would kill me. Well it didn't kill me or cure me, but I know I will over come whatever life has in store for me.

    She has someone to care for her 24/7, I ust want to feel good 7 out 24. I don't want to feel guilty for not spending all of my time with her. We work better in small doses.

    Thanks for your insight, I appreciate your not judging that. Carla

    I am in awe of families that have 2-4 kids happy mom and dad. Grandparents, ect. Everything is never perfect but when stuff happens you still have each other.

    I have my furbies they always make me smile-Carla
  7. Bambi

    Bambi New Member

    never much liked children but preferred them to teens or adult children. The day I
    turned 13 she made a big day of it but looking back I can clearly see things got worse from there on.

    All through my teens she was "sure" I was going to become sexually active because I liked boys. I never did but she didn't believe it until I got married and it was obvious..I was very nervous about the first time because of things she had told me to keep me from doing "it".

    After my dad died she moved here to be near me and after several years remarried..I think because she didn't know WHAT but that something was wrong with her physically and didn't want to be in my home sick. I took care of her in her home for the 21 days after she was disgnosed with cancer of the "everything".
    She was sweet to me, but I knew all she really wanted was my dad and that I couldn't give her.

    I think she WANTED to love me but she never got the favored place with her mother she so yearned for. She awas the baby of the family and always tried so hard to please her mother, who gave her most affection to the other three who had problems.

    I understand the reasons why my mother related to me the way she did, but it doesn't make it any easier. I would give anything to have her back now, her moments of being mean to me included, rather than have her gone. I adored her, at times hated her for which I feel bad, but my only regret is that we just were never able to have that REAL talk about why she did some of the things she did.

    I tried harder with my daughter, but still made so many mistakes. I think at times I tried to get from her what I couldn't from my mother..that unconditional love I so craved.

    I've finally come to realize there is NO
    one in the world that can make up for that loss. NO ONE can ever fill that missing piece. So I just try very hard to
    think of my mother as a complex and injured human, who fell short of perfection just as I do..as we all do. I try to give myself what noone else has ever been able to also.

    Hang in there. Bambi
  8. ckball

    ckball New Member

    Bambi- Thank you so much for telling me your story. My mom had issues with her mom too. It just gets pasted down with different stories.

    I have worked to have a better relationship with my daughter, she said she was my best friend. Now she is having proplems with her 15 year old daughter. I'm letting her handle it for now, but she will share more after things settle down.

    We can only try to make ourselves happy and take care of our selves. I have been learning that for awhile now, Carla
  9. atiledsner

    atiledsner New Member

    I read your story and it reminded me so much of things I endured.
    I had a pretty good chilhood until I gained a lot of weight.

    My Mom always made fun of me because i was fat as a kid, she told me how ashamed of me she was and didn't want anyone to know I was her daughter.

    I suffered much physical abuse and emotional abuse from her hand,belt, or anything she could hit me with.
    After I married and had children....................
    I reached a point in my life where I hated to be around her.

    She was jealous of anything I accomplished.

    I started a business of tile design and made megga bucks doing it.

    She and my Dad were diagnosed with cancer at the same time. Dad had leukemia, Mom had bone and liver cancer.

    I closed my business,lost 30,000, doing so.I cared for oth of them until they died. about 3 years.

    I made up my mind years ago i would be a better person in every way that I could.I accepted the fact that she didn't have the tools to become a better person,tapes,cd's,TV programs that i had all these years.

    I forgave her even though the abuse lasted all the way into my adulthood.

    One day while lying in her hospital bed, at home, I was putting face cream on her. She grabbed my hand and kissed my middle finger. She said you just don't know how much I love you.

    That incident didn't take away all the hurt I suffered all those years, but it did make a difference.

    I had to decide long time ago that I wanted to be a better person than I was shown how to be growing up.

    God knows your heart,your every thought, and he is the source of supply of everthing. As long as you feel like what you are doing is pleasing to him, don't worry about anything.

    It doesn't have to be like I did it,do it your own way. Some people will judge you, no matter what you do. Let it go and do what you feel is best for you.

    From one creative person to another......BIG Hugs!!!!!!!!

    atiledsner
  10. ckball

    ckball New Member

    I pulled this post up and opened wordpad to respond, it just works better for me. They when I went to send it, I had no dial tone. My nieghbor's was out too. Just got it back at 10:00


    atiledsner- love you name, thank you for sharing your story, it sounds like you did what I did and basically gave up your life. I stayed home with her for 3 years before she went to the nursing home.

    I am glad your mom came around and expressed her love before she left this world. I know it doesn't make up for everything, but I am sure it helped. My mom has told me she loves me and wishes she could help me but I don't think in heart it is true. As a child you use to tell me how much she hated me, wished I'd never been born, I was a accident, she wanted a boy not a girl. These are the "tapes" that played over and over in my head for years.

    She only says nice things when she wants something. She is my mother and I do love her, I just don't like her very much sometimes.

    4everkid- thank you for sharing your story too. However, the nurse story is true. Yesterday I went to see her and that nurse was not there, I have know her since mom has been there and never can remember her name because she doesn't always have her name tag on. So I asked the other nursses what her name was and we talked about the incident. They were like, yes that was Debbie and laughed. She is the sweetest person and all the staff is great. They have no reason to make this up.I have seen mom scream to the top of her lungs at theses nurses and aids.

    The nurse has a great sense of humor and told me the story laughing, not in a mean spitited way at all. And I know my mother, it is something she would do.
    She is a attention seeker. She knows what she is doing. I have seen her 2 face people for years. The other nurses agreed that there is only one Phyllis. She can turn it or off at a blink of an eye.

    There was an icident in the ER a few months ago, she had a small fall when the nurses where trying get her out of bed one day. There was one on each arm and her legs buckled and she hurt her knee. I showed at at the ER and I heard her screaming beofore I got to her cube, she was being just a pain. She would yell at anyone that walked past the door at the the top of her lungs 'What is taking so long, help me, help me is her favorite. I would tell her to be quite they were doing the best they could.

    She persisted for nearly 2 hours, her nurse was busy with a critical baby and mom was not hurt.The ER is for the sickest, she kept up and I finally told her if she screamed one more time that I was leaving her there. Well of course she tested me and I walked out. I told the charge nurse I was leaving, gave her my cell phone number and told her to call if they needed me. She looked at me like "you poor thing" I was not well, and was in a CF flair at the time. She said " Honey you go home, we know how to handle her" . You could hear her screaming all the way down the hall. They sent her back to the nursing home later that night. No broken bones, just a bruise

    I am sorry your mom had to endure so much, I am sure her blindness was a big factor. You and atildsner were very good daughters, I am sorry youu lost your moms & dad.

    I wish I could blame senialty for her problems but she has been this way all of her life. She has 2 lady friends that she has known all of her life. They both agree she was always difficult but they are laid back and say "ahh that's just Phyllis" . They have both told me stories about when she was younger, they laugh now about them but know how hard it has been for me.

    Thanks again for your stories- I really appreciate them. Carla

  11. molly7175

    molly7175 New Member

    Hi... Please take care of your Mom...I know it is hard...I did it.. but. she does love you in her own way.....I wish my Mom was still around...


    Molly
  12. ckball

    ckball New Member

    I do take care of her basic needs. I vivit her once a week and take her food and diet soda, she can't get those in the NH.
    I just can't sit by her bed everyday and hold her hand. I have done that and I always get hurt. So yes there is a wall there. I have to protect myself.

    I take care of bills, her house alone took a year out of my life, because she is materalistic, she really did have over 1500 peices of depression ware. She had over 30 boxes of tupperware. It was amazing.

    So now I take care of me, I lost 4 years of my life that I will never get back. But I am tryiing to start a new life.

    I am sorry about your mom, as I have said before those that were blessed with wonderful parents are very lucky indeed. Carla
  13. ckball

    ckball New Member

    4everkid thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I gave up on my mom when she went to the nursing in nov 04. She acted terrible to the staff and yes they are great. I really don't know how they do it.

    I know she will never change, so I do what I have to and that's about it.

    I am sorry this brought back your feelings of missing your mom. It sounds like you have had your share of difficuities. I take it that you didn't have any brothers or sisters to help you either. It is hard to be strong when you really just want to fall to pieces.

    No aplogies needed for telling me your story. That is what we are here for, support in any way we can. I am never jealous of anyone that had or have great parents, I am very happy for them. No child should have to expereince what I and many others had been thru.

    What doesn't kill us makes us even stronger, is one of my mantras.


    webintrig- I am glad I have inspired you to find your hidden talents. We all are created equal, we all have talents. It is up to us to cultivate them.

    I do hate to hear your mom and mine have so much in common. But it sounds ,like me, you wanted to be a better person.

    I am still friends with one of mom's lifetime freinds. But she lives 3 hours away. I call her a couple times a month. She comes here because her grandchildren live here. But she is always busy and we don't get to spend time together. But when I need a "mom" I know she will be there for me.

    That is good that you have a great relationship with your MIL. I have been married 3 times and lived with one for 4 years. I think I was meant to be single.I am fine with that, I am human and there are times I wish I could crawl inside the arms of a loving man, but it passes and I realized I survived on my own.

    I thank everyone that replied to my post. I wanted everyone to know that no matter how horrible your life has been with family, freinds, illness, death, that it is possible to survive and thrive. I know I would not be the person I am today had I not had the life experinces that I endured. Blessings to all of you- Carla

  14. Galicia

    Galicia New Member

    My mother means everything to us. She was a very lovely mother, who took care of my dad til the end. Also took care of her kids and her grandkids. Now she has alzeimer. She has lost the energy she put to raised us. But she is there for us. It is true, it is a jewel and must take care of her. We shoul always have her and love her while we have her. Thansks for sharing your message.
  15. rachel432

    rachel432 New Member

    reading all of these posts really makes me appreciate my mom and yet i'm very worried about her. i'm 32 and she is only 56. she is you basic middle aged hippie tyoe who ha always been more of a friend then a mom. but she has always been there for me, through all of the medicl problems i have she is really trying to understand and be helpful.

    now the part where i'm worried about her. she has diabetes and high blood pressure and seems to be developing every siede effect that cen go along with those. she is already developing cataracts, and here kidneys are beginning to fail. also while under going a testing befor shoulder surgery it was found that she had a silent heart attack at some point. at 56 she is getting so ill so fast.

    she's my mom but also one of my best friends. she's the first person i call with happy or sad news. i don't know what i'll do if the day comes when she isn't there.

    thanks for listening.
    rachel
    [This Message was Edited on 08/11/2006]