OT.. i'm back on now. About my dad the abuse

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by saphire27, Apr 9, 2006.

  1. saphire27

    saphire27 New Member

    For those friends that knows my story.

    So first my dad called, denying what he did to me as a little girl.

    Then mom called my brother, and said "you don't believe her do you?" that one hurt me.

    Then my brother went over to there house (they live in same town) and confronted dad (he did things to him as well). dad cried the whole time he said, he said he was sorry for what he did, and said we must think he's a monster, all the while mom was mad as heck at dad, but now she knows what i had to say was the truth!!!!!!!!!

    Dad said he'd wanted to help me in anyway he can, therapy bills i think.

    Well my brother and i have been talking & emailing each other since.

    Turns out one week later, hadn't heard a thing from parents, no call, no email even,or regular mail, no more offering of help, or to see how we are doing.

    Well my called them, and dad said that it's water over the dam..... now see i told everyone that he'd be back to himself in no time, they are pretending this diddn't happen, they are advoiding the subject.Oh, and dad said he never told mom, he lied to me when i was little, all this time i thought mom knew, and just didn't help me.But i'm angry at her also.

    My first therapy appt is weds, not soon enough for me!

    At first i didn't want dads money, it wouldn't be right, now i'm thinking we have been struggling for a long time, getting my scripts filled cuts out something else for the month, weather it's family fun or less groceries and other things.
    I think he should pay for damages he's done to ME?US. i'm thinking of going to my lawyer after i get a few therapy sessions in. He has never in my life offered to help me, even when we were on food stamps & welfare.I have dr bills & collections calling everyday!
    I'm willing to forfiet our relationship, i never felt comfortable with dad, never see him much anyway.Mom doesn't know how to comunicate & be helpful and warm.

    Even if it doesn't go to court, he'd probally want to settle , he doesn't want his image damaged, & he knows I can do that.He's afraid he'd get fired too, he's very close to retirement in a few years.
    I need to decide what to do , while i'm healing. I need to stand up for others that are still keeping the secret.

    The COURAGE TO HEAL book is great to read also, thanks.

    This has been a very long week. And it really makes me angry that they are acting this way now.

    I would love for any advice or your stories. I know now from you and the book , i am not along, and it is NOT my fault, i was a good little girl.

    SAPH

  2. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    don't know what to sa, except you are doing it already...and the responses you got i think are typical of us in these situations...except altleast you have gotten the admissions of his wrong doing...

    not that it will change a lot...but it is something...when i have brought it up 2x's they end up not talking to me...or now i am consered dead...

    that way they do not have to deal with his wrong doing...and i am know the bad girl...

    if you feel comfortable asking for money from you father then do so...

    but another suggestion...and my therapist told me to call them myself...

    it would be your local victim of rape of crimes unit...they have so many advocates to help w/you with alot...

    jodie
  3. hugs4evry1

    hugs4evry1 New Member

    I am so proud of you for following through with this, even though the outcome wasn't exactly what you were looking for.

    I'm curious as to the "statute of limitations" on cases like this? How long can it go, can you still prosecute?

    What about civil court? Can you take him for everything he has since he took every thing away from both you and your brother?

    I hope I don't offend you by saying this, but people who sexually abuse their own children usually do NOT STOP when their children grow up!!! How can they, it's a sickness...

    I lean heavily towards just calling the police and letting them handle it...take it off your shoulders now, you've done what you can do.

    Hugs,

    Nancy B.
  4. smiffy79

    smiffy79 New Member

    between you and your brother you can secure a conviction. they never stop, he is a peadophile and i can bet you it didnt stop at you two.
    it was my step father that abused me and i was the third thta i know of. the first two were his daughters (i didnt find this out til way down the line) they didnt want to go over it again, their mother threw him out so that was it for them which i understand.

    when the word is out then the dawning hits the other poor ppl he affected and if there are no more, you and your brother will be safe in the knowledge you saved other kids from him.
  5. saphire27

    saphire27 New Member

    And your kind words.

    I do have appt a the local womens center this week, it's with a therapist that works there. Then theres a support group she's going to tell me about, she wants to see me in person , one on one. So thats in 2 more days.

    I know my dad is expecting me to ask for money to pay for therapy etc., but i am not going to do it. That i think will be giving him power, and then in return, will expect me to be grateful he's helping. Not going to happen.

    After i talk to these people at the womens center, then i will know what to do next, and i'm thinking sueing. Your right, he did take everything from me as a child. He messed up my brother too, he's has an addiction, but out of repect for him, i won't say what it is.

    I will let you know what happens after weds. And last i heard, in the county that it happened in, there is no statue of limitations for that sort of thing.

    Thanks, Saph



  6. smiffy79

    smiffy79 New Member

    good luck at the womens centre, your right about the power thing. he can also say that he paid it as a form of compensation.
  7. lease79

    lease79 New Member

    ~*Gentle Hugs*~ hun, you are doing an awesome job of dealing with this.
  8. saphire27

    saphire27 New Member

    I had to postpone my appt with the woman today, my boy has pink eye. So now i have to wait another week/ wed again!!

    But i'm going to call her tomorrow and beg to see if i can come in friday sometime, i have volunteer at school tomorrow, easter party, so tomorrow is out, and i guess since she's a therapists she has to set appts, it just feels like i'mnot getting anywhere. BUT, my brother is SUPPOSE to come up this weekend, thats great news, he hasn't seen my home yet, he hasn't visited me in over 4 years actually.But he calls me often now. We'll probally talk about , where it goes from here, i'm sure he's not gonna want to be part of the suit if i do it. I don't know whats next at all, and i don't like feeling NOT in control, but i guess thats part of life,eh?

    Well I planting some flowers etc, so i better get back on it, I did so much walking yesterday, that i'm paying for it today. I'm so darn sore, & tired, but i can't let these plants shrubs & flowers die.

    So thanks for repling, hugs back to you all.
    Saph
  9. lurkernomore

    lurkernomore New Member

    Oh hon, I was feeling so happy that you were feeling a little better about the progress you have made. Then I read that the postponements were making you feel as if you are not in control and I got sad for you all over again.

    I just had to write and tell you that these things take time. But look at you! You have done all you can and have had the courage to stand up and speak your piece, going through all the proper channels. So please, do NOT feel as if, just because it is taking time to get the ball rolling, you have lost control.

    You took control when you confronted your father about your past. That took a tremendous amount of courage but you did it! You have made all the right contacts and it will be a matter of time. I know it is frustrating, but you will be heard!

    Just know, please, what a strong and courageous step you have taken. And take pride in the fact that you are showing your children that this abuse is NOT okay, nor is it something to be kept silent. Add to that, you are helping so many others just by speaking out and not being quiet about it. I am sure that your brother has to be feeling a huge amount of relief by your speaking out and his knowing that he was not alone then and he is not alone now. You have done a wonderful thing.

    So you ARE in control. Sometimes the red tape just takes a bit to get untangled, but when it does, I pray with all my might that you are validated and justifiably compensated for the loss of your innocence! No one, but no one, should ever be allowed a free pass for robbing a child of that!
  10. saphire27

    saphire27 New Member

    Wow, thanks for that!!!

    You said the right thing, your words picked me back up.
    thanks!
    Well i better really get to those flowers now, but thanks so much!
    SAph
  11. wangotango

    wangotango New Member

    i to was a victim of abuse from a step mother. i had 15 years of all kinds of it, sexual, physical and mind games. i am 45 yrs old and finally went and confronted her about it and tried to forgive her. i thought i had until i moved back home 1 year ago. then she started coming by my house. she was very pleasant the first 4 or 5 visits, then one day she and her boyfriend came over and i could feel it when she walked in the door.she layed into me about everything why i did not keep in touch with her especially after all the things i did to her, and on and on. at first i reacted like i did when i was 15 yrs old. felt the guilt and sat there and took the abuse with my head hung low. the i got mad and all the anger came back. i stoped her bitchin and told her and her boyfriend to get out and never come back. she said i am your mother and you will not talk to like that, so then i put it in a different tone and with some words that she could relate to and they left. it has been 6 months and i havent heard a word. i noticed that when she would come around my cfs and headaches were bad and lasted a long time to.
    the counsler i seen thought i had ought to sue her because some of the things she did to my brother and i were torture, example(hot water and dish soap enamas) and we had to hold it in for 2 minutes or we got it again. it got even worse.
    my dad is a good man but his escape was going to work at 5am and coming home in time to go to bed. i still get mad at him for not standing up for us. the rest of my family say's the magical word's in his defence "he did not know anythig was going on" well it was to much to often for him not to.
    the councler i seen did not believe me when i got done telling him what i had been thru, my brother and uncle had to call him and verify the story.because i functioned on the outside pretty normal and so did my brother. but i was so twisted inside and dark.
    i do ok today but i stay out of relationships at all costs. it is much easier to be alone than fight those demeons. good luck bill
  12. sisland

    sisland New Member

    new here sort of but cann't help but think that being vitims of abuse might have alot to do with some of our illness? I have defintly had abuse over the years from different people!!..............................physical, emotional, sexual, and even financial (Idenity fraud ) ............... it seems like the abusers just get away with it due to the fact that the victims are sick of putting up with their C**P and just want to be rid of them................................................................But I say fight for your rights!!!! in the end they will get what they deserve and we will have our pride back!!.....................................................good luck to all and may i suggest prayer! sisland
  13. dorothy4115

    dorothy4115 New Member

    He caused all the trouble. He should at least pay for the therapist and any time off of work. That is the least he should pay. Try to get him to go to therapy with you - then include your mother. He is sick and she is assisting in his sickness. She does not realize what a co-dependent she is. If they try to become well, it will help your healing.
  14. Jordane

    Jordane New Member

    Like all the others have said.You are a brave young lady.It takes a LOT of courage to face your abuser.I NEVER HAVE!!Some are dead now,but the rest are still there.
    Thank goodness you have your brother beside you while going thru this.There are support groups around,womens center,shelters,do abuse councelling.Make sure you are safe when you face him with these issuues.Have someone with you,to support you.
    Sending gentle hugs,if I may.
    Jordane
  15. saphire27

    saphire27 New Member

    Well It's saturday, and i didn't here from my brother, so he's not coming.....hmmm? He should've called me last night.

    I wonder if dad is trying or has hacked into my computer, it has been doing funny things, odd things.

    I am feeling a bit upset today...........
    Yesterday UPS came a gave me a little box, i knew it was from my MOM, i thought there would be a letter in with it from her, even a little note....but......

    It had easter candy in it for the kids, she usually does that every year. But again...nothing in there for me, i was looking for a letter from her, saying something supportive & nice to me, yet there wasn't a darn thing......i felt foolish.......i cried for about 3 minutes...alone in my room of course.....

    I should not have expected it, mom & dad are definatley over the sexual abuse dad did to us.They think it's over and it has ended, and they are moving on, how in the h_!!
    can they , that fuels my fire, and it pushes me to keep strong about what i need to do. I wish i had a therapists i can talk to day or night, weekends, who keeps these victims like me calmed?

    I wonder why my brother didn't call, i was so happy to think he was coming, now he's not, he doesn't even know how to get to my house.

    Well another morning, another let down. oh well, my chin is up, no matter what, yeah i'm angry, but not crazy.

    You guys have a great easter,
    If you need me, i'll be checking in time to time this weekend,
    SAPH
  16. Bambi

    Bambi New Member

    through, my dad was so kind and good to me. But my cousin's wife's sister was abused by their dad. She didn't find out until she was in her 30's and her sister was also..when her sister told her. She said she had an odd reaction. She had always seen her sister as the "favorite" with her dad and she was almost jealous. But she went to therapy and finally confronted her dad with her sister. They both have kids and don't let them stay around him.

    They gave him the alternative of either going to long term therapy or they would file charges, well her sister would. He chose the therapy of course and has been going now for five years. Her mother started about
    three years ago going with him and on her own. He has owned up to everything and has tried to make amends..her sister is taking it very slowly. But she does believe he is making progress. There doesn't seem to have been anyone else fall victim to him, in fact it's odd he only went after one daughter.

    But it's just a thought that you might want to put on your dad with your brother. If you could get him to
    agree to therapy and your mother too you might be able to salvage what's left of their lives and yours also. I don't know how many therapy helps but it couldn't hurt. Just a thought though and only you know what you feel is best for your situation. They wanted their kids to have a set of grandparents (never to be alone with)
    and wanted their dad to heal. He seems to be doing so. Yours might be too far gone for that. Good luck!
  17. sofy

    sofy New Member

    just want to encourage you to keep on being the sparkeling gem that you are!!!

    Sound like you have taken control and are proceeding down the right paths.

    Just want to say again that these your parents have proven themselves to be unreliable aroung children and that as a parent your first obligation is to protect your children.

    To me that means "no contact" with child abusers and those who fail to see child abuse when it knocks them in the face = your parents.